BUST has been a home for many incredible stories over the years, and has held a special place in the hearts of many over the decades. (If you’re feeling sentimental, check out this retrospective we did for our 25th anniversary, where readers share their favorite moments about the magazine.) As time passes and the social landscape changes, BUST has continued to publish fresh and innovative features on the coolest feminists of today.

BUST, like boygenius, was formed independently by a trio of badass women. BUST started out as a homemade zine in 1993. The first few issues were photocopied, stapled together, and distributed by its three founders, Laurie Henzel, Debbie Stoller, and Marcela Karp.

In those 30 years, we’ve created a bi-annual craft fair, published several books, and have had over 10,000 subscribers as of 2018. For our 30th anniversary issue, we decided to celebrate with boygenuis, the indie-rock supergroup that’s taking the world by storm.

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boygenius is composed of indie-rock singer Julien Baker, viral folk sensation Phoebe Bridgers, and singer-songwriter Lucy Dacus. In our summer issue, released on June 1st, the trio discussed their rise to being one of the most influential feminist supergroups of the modern age. The members of the band talk with BUST about their blooming friendship, their (sometimes rabid) fanbase, and Kristen Stewart, who directed the band’s short film. They also discuss their debut studio album, The Record, which was released earlier this year on March 31st.

Dacus and Baker had previously been acquainted since they both performed together in Washington DC back in 2016, but after performing on the same bill in 2018, all three women got together to record a promotional single for the tour. They decided that they were having too much fun to stop, and later that year, they released their first official EP as boygenius. How did they land on their unique and discordant name? How did the COVID-19 epidemic affect their success? How do they feel about their adoring fans? And who the hell is Maxine? You’ll just have to pick up our newest issue to find out!

But boygenius isn’t the only thing we’re highlighting this summer. Here are some other cool things to look out for in the 2023 Summer issue.

Check out our feature on Malaysian film producer and screenwriter, Adele Lim. Lim talks with us about her new R-rated comedy, Joy Ride, which came out June 7th. Joy Ride is the first major studio film with an all Asian-American (and predominantly female) cast. The film is raunchy, delightful, and diverse. Lim was open with BUST about the real-life inspiration behind Joy Ride, Asian-American representation in media, and her lengthy list of credits (including Disney’s Raja and The Last Dragon, and Crazy Rich Asians). “We’re finding joy and reveling in our own messiness, just like any other white guy’s R-rated comedy.” Succinct, substantial, and chock-full of intersectional feminism, Adele Lim’s feature is a must-read.

But that’s not all the intersectionality we have to offer; check out the other pieces on writer and activist Rachel Cargle, and our feature on comedian and “cat daddy” Marc Maron.

Photo Credit: Elizabeth Caren

This issue is also full of fun treats for those long hot summer days, like our recipe for grilled peaches, and DIY Balboa Bars. The only thing better than enjoying a cool homemade treat on a hot summer day is looking cool while you do it. Take a look through our ‘Looksee’ feature, where we list all the things we’re into this season, like this cutely packaged sunscreen, these size inclusive swimsuits, and unique sunnies to shield your eyes from the sun’s rays. There’s more cool attire featured throughout; our Get The Look section highlights several Malibu Barbie-themed accessories, like these Moxi roller skates, and this vintage polaroid film camera. But we’re just as comprehensive about our fashion coverage as we are with our anthropology.

This summer’s issue is also full of cool cultural pieces and historical topics, like the extensive feature on the lives of women in the rural mountains of Tibet. The story, written by Eleanor Moseman, details Moseman’s time spent with Tibetan villager Jamyang Tsomo and her family. It covers Tsomos daily chores, which include tending to yaks, harvesting barley, and looking after her family. Jamyang Tsomo’s story is a phenomenal glance into the lesser covered fierce women of the modern world. And she’s not the only cool cultural feature we have. This Summer’s issue also has an inside scoop on “one of the Middle Ages most fascinating figures,” visionary St. Hildegard of Bingen, written by noted historian Dr. Eleanor Janega.

So if you haven’t subscribed already, you’re definitely missing out. There’s something so special about receiving a physical print publication in the mail. It’s nostalgic, and reminiscent of the simpler bittersweet days of adolescence. Relieve the days of reading horoscopes aloud to your bestie and skimming the pages of a magazine for cute summer accessories. Alternatively, indulge your curiosity for knowledge by checking out our features on the historic town of Dublin, or the origins of Midsummer (the Scandinavian Pagan tradition, not the Ari Aster film!) And of course, as always, there’s way more!

We here at BUST are proud to provide a platform for everything; and our digital articles are no different. From updates on the new Barbie Movie, to abortion rights, and from Taylor Swift & Ice Spice collaborations, to coverage on an all girls robotics team in Afghanistan, there’s always an exciting online feature for you. Sounds enticing? Keep an eye out for us on your news feed, as well as on your local newsstands. Here’s to another 30 years. And 30 more after that!

Subscribe now to get your hands on this 30th Anniversary issue!

Top Image: Photo Credit: Ramona Rosales

Dear Carol Queen:

My daughter’s best friend Mary (11, 7th grade) has been casually talking about having sex with her 13-year-old cousin Amy over the last two years. Mary described to my daughter how she and Amy made a dildo out of a blush brush handle and put it through Amy’s underwear so they could have penetrative sex. Mary has also described kissing and oral sex. The penetrative sex left Mary with a yeast infection, and she also seems to be losing motivation for her schoolwork and career goals and has begun to complain of migraines. Could all of this be related to the sex with her cousin? Could the fact that she talked about it so nonchalantly be indicative of sexual abuse in her household? I am very concerned. Should I speak to their guidance counselor? 

I am a queer mom who is very sex positive, but I’m alarmed and scared for Mary and Amy, and concerned about what might be going on in their home. I’m also protective of my daughter’s health and safety but I don’t want her not to trust me. –Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom:

The scenario you describe could be the result of a slightly precocious interest in sex. I use the word slightly considering their ages, since most—though not all—young people develop sexual curiosity or interest after puberty, and puberty is happening earlier now than it was when you or I were kids. This behavior could also be a signal that one or both youngsters have been inappropriately sexualized by the adults (or older teens) in their lives. Some young people who start engaging in sexual behavior at a young age were introduced to it by others. That, of course, raises questions of consent breaches and sexual exploitation, which is what you’re especially worried about, yes? 

You’re reporting a lot of info about Mary, but before you start involving others, consider this. While it’s possible that the sex between these two girls is happening due to an abusive situation, it’s also possible that it is not. If you speak to the school counselor, she’s almost certainly a mandated reporter, and might have to contact authorities. This would result in an investigation of (probably) both kids’ families. Investigations can be traumatic, regardless of whether illegal activity is found. Depending on where you live, the girls might also come under scrutiny for having a same-sex relationship. (In fact, it might even be the case that Mary is being so open with your daughter because she has a queer mom and Mary sees her as a safe confidante.) 

Another option is speaking to Mary’s parents, but you’d need to evaluate whether this might result in punishment or isolation. The deciding factor should be the family’s POV on sex and queerness, as well as the care they extend as parents in general. 

It seems to me that you’re linking up several things you’ve learned about Mary and are attributing them all to her sexual activity. But let me be clear—even if Mary is interested in sex, she’s too young to legally consent; both girls are. And I am not suggesting you take this situation less seriously than you do. Even if it isn’t abusive, it’s complicated, and the girls are likely not even aware of its possible effects. 

Drinking, smoking, and sex are all coded as things adults do, which makes adults concerned when we see them in young teens’ lives. But the teens may see things very differently because they are actively aspiring to the trappings of adulthood. If you look at research currently being done on fierce, brilliant, adolescent girls, you will find that it is common for their huge dreams for the future to get watered down in the gendered and peer-pressured mess that is puberty. This isn’t usually because they are having sex—it’s because peers and adults have started to impose gender-restricted and often sexualized patterns on them, and it’s hard for a kid to fight back. Sadly, this is a time of life when some young people’s aspirations start to crumble.

Now, here’s where the situation is 100 percent within your control. What are you saying to your daughter about all this? You have some powerful ideas to share, like information about sex, safety, waiting until you’re ready, consent, and communication—all the things a young person needs to know to really give informed and empowered consent when the time comes. If nothing else, let her know about scarleteen.com, the pleasure-inclusive, non-judgmental sexuality website for youth. You can also talk about your values: why consent is so important, the reason that porn isn’t good to use as sex ed, why it’s not wise to leave your adult dreams behind in exchange for feeling a little more adult, why you want to make sure (if you can) that what’s happening in Mary’s life isn’t a result of coercion, and anything else that comes up for you as you talk to your child about her friends’ situation. If you’re not having any of those conversations with your daughter directly, please start. It may help her share information about what she’s hearing and how she’s responding to it that you ought to know and address. And that, in turn, can help protect the trusting relationship with her that you so value. 

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone

Top photo: Image by SplitShire from Pixabay

Though it seems unimaginable in today’s post-Roe climate, 50 years ago, the United States Postal Service issued a commemorative stamp honoring family planning. The first day cover (a special envelope bearing the new stamp and a postmark with its date of issue) stated: “A need for family planning/Spiraling population growth–a source of economic and political difficulties facing mankind.” As a syndicated news article noted in 1972, the stamp looked “innocuous enough,” with its portrait of a happy, white, middle-class family of four, but it stirred up plenty of controversy. An ultra-conservative priest based in North Dakota, Father Frederic Nelson, told his followers that Catholics “could not morally use the stamp.” “We are sure you know what this ‘stamp’ is all about,” he wrote. “It promotes ‘family planning,’ meaning in Americanese, birth control, abortion, and probably euthanasia.” He intended to return all mail bearing the stamp with the words, “Postage stamp offensive to addressee. Return to sender.” He urged his flock to do the same.

Meanwhile, the grassroots group Zero Population Growth bought the stamp in bulk and hoped the postal service would follow up with stamps depicting the “one or no child family.” Caught in the middle, the post office insisted the stamp was not an endorsement of birth control. A spokesman explained that subject matter for stamps largely fell in two categories, American heritage or “national issues of concern,” and went through a rigorous screening process involving a citizens’ committee and final approval by the postmaster general. While the post office didn’t shy away from difficult topics (“Prevent Drug Abuse ” was the subject of a 1971 stamp),it was cagey about who suggested the family planning stamp. The Planned Parenthood Federation was the stamp’s official sponsor but denied initiating the process. USPS admitted the idea had been floating around for several years but would not divulge who made the proposal. “We want to focus attention on an issue that requires discussion,” the head of USPS’ philatelic division explained. “Judging from the very heavy mail we have received on both sides, we seem to have been very successful at that.”Despite the hubbub, the stamp was largely popular with the public. Over one million were sold on the first day it became available. People used them on wedding and birth announcements to send a sly, sassy message to friends and family. As part of a poll on family planning, the Minneapolis Star Newspaper asked 600 voting-age respondents about the stamp. Did they think its message was appropriate? Of those polled, 76 percent said yes. Perhaps apocryphally, a woman in Pittsburgh, PA, allegedly purchased the stamps, then tried to return them because she was the mother of 11 children. “Imagine what my friends would say if I sent them letters with this stamp on them,“ she said.

Top Photo Photographed by Angela Decenzo

March is Bisexual Health Awareness Month, and while bisexuals make up the largest part of the LGBTQ+ “pie” (54.6% of LGBT identifiers are bisexuals) they don’t get nearly enough recognition– either culturally or in the health community. Biphobia, bi-erasure, and a significant lack of medical research puts bisexuals at risk for both physical and mental health complications.

And for the millions of bisexuals with multiple marginalized identities, the obstacles only compound. This includes bi people of color, bi people with disabilities, bi transgender people and other intersectional identities who are not only facing the consequences of bi-erause and biphobia, but are combating racism, transphobia, poverty, ableism and other challenges that exacerbate medical disparities and injustices of all kinds.

The Impact of Biphobia and Bisexual Erasure

Biphobia is described as the intolerance or aversion of bisexual people, through thoughts, beliefs, hurtful comments, or even violence. Both monosexual groups, heterosexual and homosexual people, can hold biphobic beliefs. 

Bisexual erasure is the dismissal, denial or downplay of the bisexual identity. It’s different from biphobia because it’s not necessarily purposefully biased. Bisexual erasure can be perpetuated by an individual, or by a society as a whole. Some examples of bi-erasure include: asking your bisexual partner to “relabel” their sexuality in a way that reflects your relationship, excluding the bisexual community in conversations about LGBTQ+ advocacy, assuming two women together are lesbians, or that a partnered man and woman are straight. It’s the upholding of the sexual binary, or monosexism, that assumes everyone is either gay or straight.

The tragedy of bisexuality is that in addition to experiencing oppression, we are also disbelieved about its very existence. We are not considered as credible narrators of our own stories. This is yet another sign of bimisogyny: women are disbelieved about their own lives

— Shiri Eisner ??? (@ShiriEisner) February 6, 2023

Bi Problems in the Media

We see bi-erasure across pop culture and media, but because of the nature of bi-erasure it can be hard to detect. Cardi B had to defend her sexuality when one Twitter user (with a now-suspended account) accused Cardi of being one of the “celebrities who come out as bisexual but never dated someone of the same gender.”

Cardi had to contest the accusation and responded “I ate b*tches out before you was born …..Sorry I don’t have razr phone pics to prove it to you.” She also explained she had a girlfriend before she got famous.  

I ate bitches out before you was born …..Sorry I don’t have razr phone pics to prove it to you ?? https://t.co/S9mm4yesDU

— Cardi B (@iamcardib) September 19, 2022

No one should have to defend their bisexuality, and Cardi proves that what you see on the surface cannot be used to assume someone’s sexuality. 

Fictional characters experience bi-erasure too.  Think of the character Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, an early and famous case of bi-erasure. Show creator Joss Whedon admitted that though the character was, in all regards, bisexual, they were not going to say that out loud, thanks to “society at the time.” 

Health Inequalities Among Bisexuals

“Bisexual erasure is a form of stigma. And stigma is bad for health, just to put it in a nutshell,” explains Lauren B. Beach, PhD, a faculty member at Northwestern University’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Minority Health and Wellbeing, in an interview with Health.

Bi-erasure and biphobia are not just cultural challenges. Bisexual people experience a range of health disparities, compared to their gay and lesbian peers, due in part to biphobia and bi-erasure in the medical field. Some of these complications include substance abuse, HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, mood disorders, eating disorders and more. However, bisexual health and wellness is rarely researched, understood, or known by medical professionals.  

@s3xtheorywithdee Bi-the way your health matters ? #bisexual #bi #mulisexualidentities #mulitsexual #identity #pronouns #mentalhealth #selfcare #selflove #health #sexeducation #sexualhealth ♬ original sound – S3xTheorywithDee

Bisexuals have the highest rates of smoking out of all orientations, and they report serious pathological distress more than their hetero-or-homosexual counterparts. Bisexual women have double the rate of eating disorders as lesbians do. Bisexual men have high rates of HPV, while bisexual women have low rates of screening for HPV. Bisexual men are less likely than gay men to seek sexual or reproductive health services. It’s even been confirmed that bisexual men are disproportionately affected by the virus because of biphobia, which hinders them in coming out, getting tested, and seeking care.

Of course, not all of these health disparities are a direct result of prejudices toward the bisexual community. But those phenomena make it less likely for a doctor to ask about a patient’s sexuality, or for a patient to disclose their sexuality to the doctor. That means there’s a chance the doctor won’t make connections about symptoms, and potentially miss a diagnosis that could have been identified easier with additional information about the patient’s bisexuality.

“Societal biphobia — negative attitudes and behaviors toward bisexual individuals — is more prevalent than antigay sentiment,” said author William Jeffries of the Division of HIV/AIDS at the CDC’s National Center for HIV/AIDS in a press release. “It is sometimes perpetrated by lesbians and gay men, and public health professionals who interact with bisexual men. Biphobia can manifest in erroneous beliefs that they are closeted gay men and, particularly for black men, responsible for HIV transmission to women.”

New in @CDCMMWR: Gay and bisexual men account for 2 out of 3 #HIV diagnoses each year. Ensuring gay and bisexual men with HIV are connected to needed healthcare services and given appropriate treatment to suppress the virus can prevent HIV transmission: https://t.co/05viFqX9ZP. pic.twitter.com/gvzMHCM9Vo

— CDC (@CDCgov) September 24, 2020

Mental and Social Health Challenges 

But what about mental health? What about communal or social health? Bisexuals face greater challenges in these areas as well.

Bisexuals are at increased risk for mental health problems, and this is due in part to stigma and discrimination. The predominant conceptual framework that explains some of the mental health challenges bisexuals face is called the minority stress theory. The theory surmises that bisexual stigma and discrimination can increase the risk of long term chronic stress, which of course leads to a myriad of mental, social and psychological challenges. 

Stigmas perpetrated by both monosexual groups are dangerous, but it’s particularly harmful coming from other LGBTQ+ community members as TikTok user @chrystalwithanh explains:

@chrystalwithanh With ALLLLL due disrespect! #spreadawareness #alphabetmafia #lgbtq #bisexual?️‍? #bisexualtiktok #mentalhealthmatters #ItsOurHome #foryoupage #fypシ ♬ original sound – Chrystal

45% of bisexual women have considered or attempted suicide, a higher rate than gay or straight men and women. Bisexual women have higher rates of mood/anxiety disorders than straight or gay women. Bisexual men have higher rates of mood/anxiety disorders than straight men, and at similar rates to gay men. Bisexual youth are less likely than lesbian and gay youth to report having supportive adults that they could turn to if they were sad. Only 5% of bisexual youth reported being very happy, compared to 8% of lesbian and gay youth and 21% of non-LGBT youth. 

@wagatwe

inspired by a recent Twitter thread. just sk you know, anti-bi rhetoric is literally TERF ?.

♬ пон – ?

Socially, bisexuals struggle to find community, an important and necessary part of social health and safety. While many queer groups have found and forged communities to connect, heal, and grow, it’s nearly impossible to find spaces run for and by bisexuals, outside of monosexual (straight or gay/lesbian) environments. 

Insight shared by the Society for the Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity shows that “efforts to make more spaces bi-affirming can aid in increasing bi+ people’s social health, such as having more affirming families of origin, chosen queer families, partners, geographic areas and continuing to build a bi-affirming field of psychology.”

Advocating For Yourself and Others

Self-advocacy is an unfortunate reality for many queer people. A healthcare equality index survey from 2020 found that around 70% of transgender or gender non-conforming people and 56% of lesbian, gay, or bisexual patients say they’ve experienced some type of discrimination in healthcare. 

Advocating for yourself can be an act of empowerment. A good place to start is trying to find queer health professionals, but that’s not always possible depending on where you live and what kind of insurance (or lack thereof) you have. Self-advocacy could mean correcting your doctor’s language, putting your pronouns or sexuality on your record, bringing a friend who can speak up when you’re feeling intimidated, or asking for a patient advocate at your facility. 

Unless we have a complete legislative flip-flop where healthcare is accessible, free and inclusive, finding the tools and support to advocate for yourself in and out of the doctor’s office can go a long way in ensuring you receive the care you require as a bisexual person, or as any person who faces discrimination in healthcare.  

If you are looking for LGBTQ+ affirming doctors, physicians, clinicians, and healthcare providers, check out outcarehealth.org to search by location and speciality. 

Top photo by cottonbro studio via Pexels

Choosing the right type of birth control can be a complicated With so many options available, it can be overwhelming to decide which one is best for you. From the pill to the patch, the ring to the implant, each method has its pros and cons. Some offer a higher level of effectiveness but may come with side effects, while others are less invasive but require strict adherence to a schedule. It’s important to understand the different types of birth control options available and weigh the benefits and drawbacks of each one before making a decision. In this article, we’ll explore the pros and cons of different types of female birth control options, so that you can make an informed choice about which method is right for you.

Read the full article on our sister site, the Charlotte Weekly, here. 

Photo by We-Vibe Toys on Unsplash

Valentine’s Day can be a truly miserable time for people. Sure, the aesthetic is cute and the stores are finally stocking the correct amount of chocolate which is nice, but being single this time of year can feel like you’re wearing a neon sign that says “I’m alone” around your neck. For women, especially, relationship status is linked so closely to self-worth in our society (literally don’t get me started). Combine that with a healthy dollop of capitalism and you’ve got a red velvet nightmare of a holiday on your hands for single women. But what if there was another way to celebrate Valentine’s Day that honored your pleasure without needing a partner? That’s where these five fabulous women-focused sex shops come in. 

Early to Bed

Adult stores aren’t typically known for their welcoming, educational, inclusive vibes. There’s just something about an establishment called “The Pleasuring Hole” that doesn’t inspire a comfortable shopping experience. Too often, sex shops cater to a very specific kind of customer having a very specific kind of sex and fail to include a diverse range of people, sexualities, and bodies. That’s why spaces like Chicago’s first queer woman-owned sex store, Early to Bed, are vital community staples. 

Until the store’s founder and owner, Searah Deysach, opened Early to Bed in 2001, most of the sex shops in Chicago were very cisgender, heterosexual male-dominated spaces that weren’t prioritizing genuine sexual health and exploration. Early to Bed is disrupting the status quo by being a woman and trans-friendly sex shop that is dedicated to helping all people find pleasure. Not only that, but the store is a shame-free zone where customers are encouraged to be curious, ask questions, and get help from the knowledgeable staff. Much of the merchandise is out on display with the intention of customers being able to touch, hold, and ask specific questions about items like vibrators and different lubes before buying them. It’s a shopping experience that is, at its core, an educational one, too. 

Early to Bed is located in the Andersonville neighborhood of Chicago and is open seven days a week. You can visit their website to shop, check hours, and find sexual health and wellness resources as well as sex tips.

She Bop

What sells eco-friendly and body-safe products, is committed to social equity, and was named after a Cyndi Lauper song? She Bop the sex shop! 

With two storefronts located in Portland as well as an online shop, She Bop could be your new go-to toy store no matter what state you live in. Founded by Evy Cowan and Jeneen Doumitt in 2009 (and now owned by Doumitt alone), She Bop has proven itself a necessary source of sexual education committed to promoting diversity, sustainability, and sexual empowerment for all bodies. They also do a lot of work with the community, ranging from things as simple as using a local service to print their stickers to more elaborate efforts, like in-store fundraising for donations to local feminist organizations. All this giving back means that you have one more reason to feel good about your purchase (because I mean, come on, you were probably feeling pretty good about it already). 

Beyond the work they do in the community, She Bop also understands that shopping for sex toys should be fun! The store was founded, after all, on the idea that finding the right sex toy should be an exciting, comfortable, and safe experience.  No one should feel self-conscious or embarrassed to be seeking out sexual pleasure, and She Bop and their helpful staff are here to make sure you leave feeling informed, empowered, and ready to embark on some healthy sexual exploration. They even offer in-store and virtual workshops that you can book with a group! You don’t have to be a novice to shop there, though, as they offer a wide selection of products that caters to every level of experience and preference. 

Visit one of their two stores in Portland, or shop via their website! 

 

 

 

 

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Babeland 

2023 marks Babeland’s 30th year of business, and it’s no question why the store has found such long-lasting success. Founded in 1993 by Claire Cavanah and Rachel Venning, Babeland’s first storefront was in Seattle, but they have since expanded to three more locations in New York City. While no longer woman-owned, Babeland’s impact on the sex-toy industry cannot go unmentioned. 

The store came about when Cavanah and Venning were looking to start a business together. Their shared passion for feminism brought them to the idea of an adult toy shop sans-the male gaze that promoted healthy sexual exploration for women and nonbinary people. At the time, the idea of casually shopping for a vibrator and lube was unfamiliar to a lot of folks, but the store has both survived and gotten to witness our culture’s evolving attitude toward sex and, specifically, female sexual pleasure. Nowadays, of course, we can sing along in the club to bops about wet ass pussies, but Babeland came to be in a time that was far less open about women enjoying sex, making their effort and success all the more commendable. 

Babeland boasts one of the larger catalogs of toys and products on the list, so if you’ve been on the hunt for and haven’t found something that quite piques your fancy, this is the shop for you–and Valentine’s Day is the occasion. Stop by one of their brick and mortar locations, or scroll their extensive website that hosts over seven hundred different vibrators. 

 

 

 

 

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Good Vibrations

Founded in San Francisco in 1977 by iconic sex educator Joani Blank, Good Vibrations is a household name in the world of sex shops and one of the first to be by women and for women. At its heart, Good Vibrations was created so women could claim sexuality as a space where they get to be in control, explore, be empowered, feel good and, most importantly, have orgasms. Good Vibrations is also unfortunately no longer woman-owned, but still an important shop to mention because of its origins and impact. 

Good Vibrations has changed hands over the years, but still honors those core values it was founded on. They continue to sponsor both local and national non-profits through their GiVe program, and are currently partnered with the National Network of Abortion Funds. They also remain extremely education-based when it comes to their approach to selling toys and sexual gear. From its inception, Good Vibrations was meant to be a place where women and people of all genders could expand their ideas of sexuality and pleasure in a safe and healthy environment. All Good Vibrations sales associates are also trained to be qualified sexual educators, meaning you can feel safe knowing any questions you might have will be answered by a knowledgeable individual who is passionate about sexual empowerment and pleasure. The company even has a Staff Sexologist, Dr. Carol Queen, who just happens to be BUST’s sex columnist, check out her most recent column in our Winter 2023 issue of BUST!

With eight California storefronts as well as two Massachusetts locations and an online shop, Good Vibrations is easy to find and hard to leave. Do a little Valentine’s treat yo’ self and check them out now! 

 

 

 

 

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Melrose Urban Female

Melrose Urban Female, or MUF, was created in 2003 and is an online sex toy boutique. But don’t worry, you won’t be bombarded with targeted ads and pop-ups screaming at you to buy gimmicky boner pills or to chat with hot MILFs in your area. Melrose Urban Female pride themselves on being a straight-forward, easy-to-navigate online storefront that isn’t cluttered with content you don’t want or need. They keep it simple, which is a refreshing take on the typical adult toy shopping experience, and a subtly profound way to normalize shopping for sex toys. 

Originally started by an all-women group of business partners, Melrose Urban Female was founded with what they call on their website a “Sex and the City” perspective on sexuality. The company is now operated by a wife and husband team, but the same values and great product selection remain. They are also very customer-based, and are happy to special order toys and products for customers who aren’t already finding what they’re looking for.

Their curated, casual shopping experience and an entire section dedicated to Valentine’s-themed toys make Melrose Urban Female just the place to shop for your V-Day celebrations, solo or not. Check out their website now!

 Top photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels 

Oh, not another epidemic! Monkeypox (MPX)—a relative of smallpox—causes painful, raised, reddened lesions with pus inside and can also affect the body in other ways. This disease has been causing outbreaks in Africa for several decades, but it seems to have found its way to Europe and, the Americas, and here we are. In Europe and the U.S. it has so far primarily affected men who have sex with men, but it is beginning to slip out of that community as well. It is now obvious that MPX is sexually transmittable—but it can also be transmittable in nonsexual ways when people are in close contact, which makes it somewhat more dangerous in terms of how we can protect ourselves. Here’s what to know.

Because MPX is not only sexually transmitted—close contact and even contaminated bedding can lead to the pathogen moving between people—the disease can affect men, women, and everyone in between. Sexually transmissible infections don’t check gender or identity before hopping a ride to a new host. As I write this, roughly four percent of those diagnosed with MPX are women. Cases are going down in the men having sex with men (MSM) communities, but it’s too early to know if they will stay down. The Center for Disease Control thinks MPX is likely here to stay.

As the disease manifests itself, an infected person may show flu-like symptoms before breaking out into a rash; in many cases the rash develops into pox. Sufferers can have pox on their face, on their genitals, even up their butt, and it’s said to be excruciating. At this point, it’s especially dangerous because that fluid is full of virus, so even when the pox sites resolve and begin to scab over, the scab material is infectious. And this explains why it seems to be spreading via close and prolonged body contact, like for instance sex, making out, tribbing (aka scissoring), or other types of body rubbing—regardless of whether penetration occurs.

Anyone of any gender having any kind of in-person sex with a person who has MPX could be at risk of getting it, since it is the bodies coming into contact with each other that spreads the virus most efficiently. Women (including trans women) can get MPX and are most at risk if they have a regular sex partner who has it; if they have a lot of sex with different partners (including many sex workers); and if they engage in not-specifically-sexual bodily contact, too, like dancing naked or partly naked; riding bikes naked that are shared with other people (à la Burning Man-style bike riding); and full- body massages.

While MPX doesn’t hang in the air as easily as COVID-19, it can move between people on respiratory droplets, so you might not wanna put your mask away. Sex is an especially likely way to pass or catch it, but not the only way. It seems that it can be passed via contact with infected bedding or even in households where people are in close contact for long periods of time. Researchers have even found the virus on the toilets of MPX patients.

There is a test for monkeypox, but you might need to advocate for yourself because some doctors aren’t recommending it. Any unexplained rash might serve as a good reason to get checked out.

There is a monkeypox vaccine called JYNNEOS, which is given in two doses four weeks apart. As I write this, there have been worries that there isn’t enough to go around, so there’s also an ethical element to getting vaccinated until the vax becomes more available. Women can get it—ask your doctor if they have it or check alternative clinics or your county health department. (And ask if your area has a free vaccine program; some do.)

Condoms, dams or plastic wrap, and Lorals (the barrier panties) are important in helping to prevent MPX’s sexual transmission, but they may not be completely adequate because even if a lesion is not visible (or recognizable), it’s still potentially infectious.

Regarding the vaccine, ask yourself: Are you or any regular partners part of the sexually active MSM community? Are you in the medical field with a job that puts you in physical or other close contact with patients? Are you an in-person sex worker? The conditions of your work, if it involves close skin-to-skin contact, put you into a demographic that could benefit from the vaccine. If you’re a sex-party aficionado or like to dance in close proximity to lots of people for long periods of time—you too! But if you are a person with no notable risk factors, maybe head to the back of the line.

Top Image by CDC via Unsplash

Is it possible to engage the biggest erogenous zone we have—the brain—simply through language and intimate connection? Erotic hypnosis—or “hypnokink”—says “Yes.” Hypnokink is the practice of using hypnosis to enhance sexual or kinky play. A hypnotist—someone who has learned hypnotic techniques but is not necessarily a licensed hypnotherapist—uses skillful words, actions, and even touch to lead their consenting partner (the “subject”) into amazing, heightened erotic experiences, just by working with their mind. I’ve been including hypnosis in my sex life for well over a decade, and I love hypnotizing my partner or being hypnotized myself. While hypnosis may conjure a therapist working with someone in a clinical fashion, or a stage show where participants are made to act in embarrassing ways, hypnokink is focused on consensual, mutual sexual desires. It can take the form of a hypnotist talking to their partner seated across from them (or over the internet—it’s great for long-distance relationships), but it can also be those partners tangled up in bed as one whispers hot, mesmerizing words to the other. What can you do with hypnosis? When a subject is in a focused, trusting place (the goal of inducing hypnosis), their imagination can become a powerful tool to explore fantasies and even physical sensations that are “suggested” by the hypnotist. Here are a few of the kinds of experiences that are possible with hypnokink:

• Relaxing more and releasing inhibitions
• Being guided through an Immersive fantasy or fetish scenario
• Creating consensual erotic control and power exchange
• Being made “frozen” and unable to move (like a hypnotic form of bondage)
• Having orgasms or surges of pleasure on command
• Feeling transformed into and object, animal, or different person

How does it work? Real hypnosis is a process of focus, suggestions, and trance. The hypnotist will focus a subject’s attention on something— like a sexy idea (such as describing an intense drive to obey kinky commands) or an object (such as the stereotypical pocket watch)—while communicating in a manner intended to cause some kind of change in mental state, like saying, “I want you to focus on my eyes, and notice how it feels when you stare into them.” These focusing suggestions open a person up to a more subtle awareness of their emotions, thoughts, and sensations. From there, the hypnotist can make more suggestions to impact those feelings in erotic ways. For example, they might suggest: “Now, as you notice those feelings more intensely, you can let them begin to transform into sexual, tingling pleasure between your legs just from staring at and listening to me.”

Trance—a shorthand term for altered states of mind, like those that we experience every day when we are absorbed in work, TV, or intimacy—follows this focus naturally. The suggestions may grow more elaborate as the hypnotic engagement gets more intense. For instance, the hypnotist may use imagined sensations to elicit a transformation: “All of that pleasure inside of you is making your body and mind tuned only to sex, overwhelming your thoughts to the point that you can barely move and turning you into a perfect sex doll, an object ready for me to use.”

To end a scene, the hypnotist will “wake up” their partner with a series of suggestions that help orient the subject back to their non-hypnotic reality. It’s also good to have some “aftercare” time—like cuddling or talking—to ease out of a kinky experience. How does someone do this safely? Hypnosis isn’t mind control—subjects retain agency and awareness. However, it is an act of trust and openness, and like all sex acts, it includes the possibility of being influenced in ways that we don’t like. As with all kink and sex, consent is important and complex, and practitioners should have an open conversation about what they do and don’t want before a scene. To be safe, it’s ideal to play with someone you know well and feel comfortable being intimate with. Who can do erotic hypnosis? Anyone can learn how to do hypnosis, although it can take some time and practice to learn the techniques, and how to do it safely and ethically. There are educational hypnokink groups and events ( both in person and online) and a variety of books (including my two books: The Brainwashing Book and Kinky NLP), YouTube videos, and other learning resources. So find a friend you feel comfortable exploring with and dive in, knowing your only limits are your own imaginations.

– sleepingirl

This article originally appeared in BUST’s Winter 2022-2023 print edition. Subscribe today!

Gendered medical injustice has been an ongoing point of discussion in feminist spaces throughout history, being especially prevalent in recent months with the fight for safe, legal abortion access being a hot-button issue in American politics. From the dismissal of symptoms to misdiagnosis to outright abuse at the hands of medical “professionals,” the poor treatment of people assigned female at birth in medicine has been pervasive for centuries. 

“Hysterical” Women Through History

 Perhaps the most prevalent and oft-discussed examples of the mistreatment of female bodies throughout history is the now-defunct diagnosis of “Female hysteria” – a catchall term that lumped together any variety of physical and psychological symptoms a person with a vagina might exhibit. 

Image by No-longer-here on Pixabay

Popularized in the 18th century (though the concept came to be back in ancient Greece), one could be diagnosed with hysteria if they experienced symptoms including abdominal pain, elevated heart rate, “excessive” emotions, an increase or decrease in sex drive, an increased appetite, and anxiety, in addition to anything else that would be “undesirable” for a female to express or exhibit. The first mental disorder attributed to exclusively female bodies, hysteria was chalked up to be caused by “sexual deprivation” for those with wombs; the name itself comes from the Greek “hystera”, meaning uterus, and treatment throughout the centuries consisted of “pelvic massages”, in addition to being blasted in the genitals with a hose resulting in a “hysterical paroxysm” (read: A Good Orgasm). Did you know that’s how the beloved vibrator came to be invented? 

But What About Men?

Though most commonly attributed to those with uteruses, the diagnosis of psychological and sexual dysfunction being blamed on a failure to meet gendered expectations wasn’t just a female issue. The lesser-known counterpart to hysteria for those assigned male at birth was referred to as “spermatorrhea” in the 1800s. The condition was defined as an “excessive and involuntary discharge of semen,” which was to blame for anxiety, irritability, a lack of confidence, and any other behavior deemed unmasculine. While stimulation of the sexual organs was upheld as the cure for hysteria in females, masturbation, in addition to a domesticated, comfortable, and “unmanly” lifestyle, was interpreted as the culprit behind symptoms of spermatorrhea. The act of male self-pleasure and leakage of semen was thought to demonstrate a lack of self-control and, therefore, masculinity, resulting in the Victorian belief that masturbation was to blame for various physical and psychological ailments. The treatment? The complete opposite of what was suggested for women. For men, the cure was abstinence from masturbation and regular physical activity. It sounds innocent enough, but if one diagnosed with spermatorrhea couldn’t demonstrate the necessary self-discipline, the treatments became much, much gnarlier. 

Anti-masturbation medical interventions were nothing short of torture, including, but not limited to, acupuncture of the testes and prostate, forced dilation of the anus, and cauterization of the urethra, which, at the very least, caused extreme physical suffering, if not permanent damage to the body. And, in true Victorian fashion, there was no shortage of brutal anti-masturbation devices. The Stephenson Spermatic Truss from 1876 consisted of, essentially, a jockstrap with a spiked metal lining to prevent erections and a cage to prevent hand-to-penis contact. The Jugum Penis, or “pollutions ring,” had spiked steel teeth that attached to the base of the penis – imagine the pain of getting a boner in that!

Illustration from the Patent Application for the Spermatic Truss (1876)

The Masturbation Moral Panic

The anti-masturbation panic of the Victorian era had horrific consequences for young men at the time. George Drysdale (1825-1904) developed such an intense sense of shame and fear of “going mad” as a result of his masturbation habit and nocturnal emissions that he faked his own death, leaving his family behind, and submitted himself to multiple penis cauterization operations to deaden the nerve endings (the procedures didn’t work). Following Drysdale’s realization that he could not be “cured” of spermatorrhea, he went on to publish Physical, Sexual, and Natural Religion (1855) which advocated for contraception and sexual liberation.

A page from Drysdale’s book. 

How Far Have We Come, Actually?

Society’s overall perception of self-pleasure has evolved to be much more accepting, even encouraging, for individuals regardless of sex. In more recent history, the physical and mental health benefits of masturbation are becoming increasingly common knowledge, and our culture has continued to shift towards sexual openness and liberation. However, the strict gendered expectations and assumptions and prudish attitudes about sex that characterized the diagnoses of hysteria and spermatorrhea still rear their heads today. People with uteruses still have their legitimate physical and psychological struggles written off because of their anatomy. Those who dismiss aggression perpetrated by cisgender men still use “sexual frustration” as an excuse. There are all-male online communities on Reddit that share the same idea as the Victorian doctors that handed out spermatorrhea diagnoses: that loss of semen equals the loss of masculinity, and that masturbation signals a lack of self-discipline. abstinence-only sex education still has a grip on American schools. Women are still told that sexual relations with a man will “fix” them, and that self-pleasure is shameful. While there’s relief in seeing how far we’ve moved away from the deeply problematic ideas surrounding sex and health of the past few centuries, and modern information technology has revolutionized sexual education the fight for a medically accurate and liberatory understanding of human sexuality is ongoing.

Top Photo Credit: Illustration from Plain facts for old and young, or, The science of human life from infancy to old age – Page 88 (1903)

Multiple states and politicians in the USA are trying to make it illegal—or at least as difficult as possible—for people to get abortions. When the US Supreme Court overturned Roe v Wade this spring, it became up to each state to decide whether to either legalize or ban abortion. As a result, in many states, obtaining an abortion became nearly impossible.

No matter how many politicians (or, let’s be honest, white male Republicans) attempt to prevent people from getting abortion care, the need for abortions will always be there. On Radiolab’s podcast “No-Touch Abortion,” ER doctor Avir Mitra expressed his concern about what consequences these severe restrictions on abortion in multiple states could have. Mitra says that illegalizing abortions doesn’t lead to fewer abortions; instead, it often increases less safe at-home abortions. 

But there is an alternative; the abortion pill. 

What is the “Abortion Pill,” And When Can I Use It?

Although the name is misleading,  medication abortion actually consists of having two take two types of medicine; first, you take a medicine named Mifepristone in a pill form, which stops the growth of the pregnancy by blocking the pregnancy hormone (progesterone). 24-48 hours later, you take the other pill, the medicine Misoprostol, which causes cramping and bleeding to empty the uterus. The abortion pill is as safe as having a naturally caused miscarriage and has a 98% succession rate in the first trimester (up to week 12). 

The medicine Mifepristone is approved by the FDA. It is also used to regulate blood sugar levels for adults with Cushing’s Syndrome who has a sugar intolerance or type 2 diabetes. It was then discovered that the medicine also stops the pregnancy hormone, progesterone, and therefore ends pregnancies. Mifepristone must then be followed with Misoprostol to empty the uterus and eliminate the pregnancy from the body. Misoprostol is also an FDA-approved medicine that is used to prevent stomach ulcers. 

As both pills are used as a medical treatment for other health issues and can both be found on WHO’s list of essential medicine, they cannot be made illegal.

What Does it Feel Like to Use the Abortion Pill?

The bleeding is described as a heavy period that can be unpleasant in some cases. The bleeding starts after taking the second pill, Misoprostol, and you can expect the bleeding to start around 4 hours after taking it. It is recommended to use pads instead of tampons to be aware of how much you are bleeding. The bleeding should decrease after 24 hours, but some women experience light bleeding 1-3 weeks after the abortion. However, if you bleed through two maxi pads in the hour more than two hours in a row, you should seek help. 

Some women also experience other side effects like nausea, diarrhea, headache, vomiting, dizziness, and in some cases, even fever. If you get a fever, you must be aware that it does not continue; otherwise, seek help. 

It can be a good idea to take ibuprofen 30 minutes before taking Misoprostol and then every 8 hours or as needed. Tylenol is also an option if you’re allergic to ibuprofen.

The organization How To Use Abortion Pill has great information about what to expect before, during, and after taking the pill, as well as frequently asked questions.

How Can I Obtain Abortion Pills if I Need Them, And How Much Does It Cost?

Through the international online abortion service Women on Web, you can access medication abortion (or the abortion pill) without a doctor’s appointment. They also offer abortion care to women in other countries than the US. To get a prescription for the abortion pill, you will only need to have an online consultation on Women on Web to make sure you are eligible for the medicine. 

You’ll then get a confirmation of your request. In the confirmation mail, you’ll also get asked to make a donation between $70 and $90 as a form of payment. However, you can send them an email at info@womenonweb.org if you’re in a difficult financial situation. After your donations have gone through, your prescription will arrive within 1-3 business days. 

If you’re living in New York, Hey Jane offers a similar service. You can get a prescription for the medicine through an online consultation, and then delivered to you in discreet packaging in 1-2 business days. The price for the abortion pill on Hey Jane varies; you can either pay through your insurance (they accept Aetna insurance) or you can get a sliding scale price, which means the price of the medicine is determined by your financial situation.

If you’re living in Colorado, Minnesota, Wyoming, or Montana (or able to travel to one of those states), you can also get help to access the abortion pill on Just the Pill. The price of the abortion pill through Just the Pill is $350, including the pharmacy fee.

Who Should Avoid Using the Abortion Pill?

You should, first and foremost, only take the abortion pill if you want to end your pregnancy– not if anyone is pushing or forcing you to do it. It is also essential not to take the abortion pill if you’re alone; ask a trusted person, such as your partner or a friend, to stay with you in case of any complications. You also need to ensure you are no longer than an hour away from the nearest emergency room and have thought through whom to take you there in case of an emergency, as you’ll not be able to drive there yourself.

There are a few illnesses to look out for before you take the abortion pill, such as chronic adrenal failure, Hemorrhagic disorders or bleeding disorders/diseases, and Inherited porphyries. If you have any of these illnesses, you should not take the abortion pill: 

Can I Go to Jail for Using the Abortion Pill in States Where Abortion is Illegal?

As mentioned earlier, both Mifepristone and Misoprostol are used to treat other medical situations as well, and it is therefore not illegal to receive such small amounts of the prescribed medicine at your home address. 

The legal landscape is changing due to the overturning of Roe v Wade, and it cannot be easy to know where and how to get help. You can go to the National Abortion Federation to see the options in your state or where to gain access to the health care you might need. However, the abortion pill is a safe alternative with easy access. Both Women on Web, Hey Jane, and Just the Pill offer information and guidance to ensure you get the support and health care you need. 

The debate about the right to abortion might be controversial, but getting the proper health care you need shouldn’t be. Despite the ban on abortion in multiple states, it is important to know that other options are possible—and you can even get them delivered right to your door.

Photo by Danilo.Alvesd on Unsplash

FROM A YOUNG age, 26-year-old Yasmin Benoit knew she was different. “I realized before that, but I found the word [asexual] 10 years ago when I was 15,” she says. Asexuality is the lack of, or complete absence of, sexual attraction and desire. Until recently, not much was known about this sexual orientation; therefore, research and information about people who are asexual or aromantic, is sparse. Upon discovery of the term, however, Benoit says she didn’t have an a-ha moment. “[Asexuality] was very much just something that existed on certain teenage, white, Tumblr-obsessed corners of the Internet,” she explains. “So, learning about it wasn’t really something I could use interpersonally.” Despite this disconnect, the asexual activist says learning that others identified with this orientation was helpful in terms of understanding that she wasn’t alone in her feelings. It also gave her hope that she would one day be able to better articulate herself to others.

Growing up as a Black girl in Berkshire, England, Benoit was subjected to the same expectations of girlhood as her other female peers. “For most teenage girls,” she says, “you’re expected to express your sexuality, although not too much, otherwise, you’d be slutty, which is not good either, apparently.” She says she got used to the idea of her orientation not being represented in society. But as she got older and started getting more and more well known as a lingerie and alternative model in the U.K., her complacency began to change. Benoit decided to be the change she wanted to see in the world in 2017, coming out publicly with a YouTube video called “Things Asexual Girls DON’T Want to Hear,” that currently has over 30,000 views.

“[Lack of representation] was my motivation for [activism],” she explains. “I felt like, if I can contribute in a meaningful way, why not?” Her social media campaign, #thisiswhatasexuallookslike shows the world that asexuals are not a monolith, and indeed, that asexuality is not just some teenage, white, Tumblr shit. Benoit also co-founded International Asexuality Day in 2021 to celebrate the asexual umbrella. And this past April, she helped launch the Stonewall x Yasmin Ace Project—a first-of-its-kind research initiative that focuses on gathering data around the types of discrimination asexuals experience in employment, education, and healthcare fields. Benoit says she hopes the research can be used to help asexuality become covered under the U.K. equality act—a law which gives minorities protection from discrimination in the workplace and in society at large, including hate crimes.

 

 

 

 

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A post shared by Yasmin Benoit, MSc (@theyasminbenoit)

Alongside her work as an activist, Benoit continues to cultivate her career as a lingerie model—a title that often results in her getting more attention for her cause. “I was very interested in alternative and goth fashion, because that’s how I dress,” she says of the origins of her modeling career at age 16. “Lots of alternative fashion skews toward that lingerie-ish area.” Once she started booking gigs, she noticed that alternative and lingerie looks were really flattering on her figure, not to mention a great way to diversify her portfolio. “Suddenly it became, ‘Oh, you’re a lingerie model,’” she says, “and I was like, I do other things, but we can go with that. It’s just another thing I do, but I’m not opposed to people reading into it, because it becomes almost like a political statement.”

 Photo by Ofilaye 

This article originally appeared in BUST’s Fall 2022 print edition. Subscribe today!

Q: I’ve been having trouble connecting to myself sexually because of past sexual trauma. Porn, in particular, is a trigger for me. I have a therapist but don’t want to talk about it. Do I have to? 

A: You don’t have to talk about it, no. But if your full question is more like, “Will working with a therapist help me get over the effects of sexual trauma if I don’t address it in therapy?” your reticence around opening up is not a plus. It’s not even neutral. If you are seeing a professional without a background in sexual trauma or from whom you get the impression that around sexual matters, you and they are a bad fit, that’s one thing. And it’s likely that elements of the therapeutic process will give you some relief around issues that touch on trauma, because therapy can help you buildup resilience and coping skills in general. Those are good things when it comes to handling what life throws your way. 

However, if your therapist is competent and trustworthy, staying silent about core issues just doesn’t serve you. At worst, it wastes your (and the therapist’s) time and reinforces for you the notion that what happened to you and your reactions are literally unspeakable. That message is traumatizing and stands in the way of your healing process. Since you say you’re having issues “connecting to yourself sexually,” at least part of you clearly wants to move in the direction of healing. And being able to communicate about sexual issues removes them from that “unspeakable”space; it helps you find and express your boundaries, and your desire around pleasure. These are valuable skills whether you ever get sexual with another person or keep your sexuality held close and only expressed with yourself.If the issue you want to stay silent about is specifically porn and its triggering role, my thoughts are essentially the same. It could be deeply useful to unpack the reasons porn seems especially triggering—not so much because I think you ought to get comfortable with porn(plenty of people don’t watch it; it’s neither normative nor required). But if you find you most especially fear being exposed to porn, or find that trigger is worse than others, it implies that porn is a door to your trauma response—and it might be worth learning if it can be closed! It may even be that your challenges connecting to yourself involve the need to avoid porn—since so many people experience porn as an arousal instigator and masturbation companion, and maybe you once did, too. If that’s the case, your connection with porn (and maybe arousal and masturbation) has been impaired by your trauma experience; but there are paths besides porn to erotic engagement, and possibly even a path back to enjoying porn—if you want to. Again—not required!

One more angle I’d like to mention—it might be that addressing your strongest and most immediate trigger just feels like it’s too much. It may be that there are other elements of your experience that you could start with instead and get to your response to porn later in the therapeutic process. You can request that your therapist not focus on this yet and pull other threads in its place. Remind yourself, though: If an issue is this tender for you, it needs healing attention.

Opening up about trauma generally isn’t easy, especially at first, but it is worthwhile. Talking about it with a trained therapist can change its controlling, triggering role in your life and help prevent, or reverse, the process of taking on shame because of your experiences.

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone

 Photo credit: SHVETS Production

 This article originally appeared in BUST’s Fall 2022 print edition. Subscribe here!

The fact that Diana Ross’ R&B pop hit “I’m Coming Out” was released in 1980 and is still popular to this day is a testament to the idea that there is no expiration date for choosing to embrace your true self. Although we live in a very open, and mostly accepting society nowadays, for people in the LGBTQIA+ community, that wasn’t always the case. Same-sex marriage was only legalized in the United States in 2015, and as a result, many people waited to not only get married, but come out of the closet. In that vein, here’s a list of people who came out of the closet late, proving that there’s no deadline for coming out and “letting the world know” and “letting it show.” 

1. Susan Sarandon 

Photo of Susan Sarandon by David Shankbone

Enchanted’s evil stepmother Susan Sarandon finally got her happy ever after. According to Sarandon, in an interview on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon on Wednesday, she stated that she identifies as bisexual. Although reportedly she has “verbally hinted that she’s not straight” before, this is the first time, at 75 years old, that she’s ever said that she is bisexual.

2. Niecy Nash-Betts 

Photo of Niecy Nash-Betts by Clorox Toilet Products 

Actress, comedian, and TV host Niecy Nash-Betts known for her work in Reno 911! and Clean House is also a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, but doesn’t subscribe to the idea of coming out. After marrying her wife, singer Jessica Betts in August 2020, she told People that she doesn’t “feel like my marriage is my coming out of anywhere, but rather a going into myself and being honest about who I love. And I’m not limiting myself on what that love is supposed to look like.”

3. Beanie Feldstein 

Photo of Beanie Feldstein by DannyB Photos 

Actress Beanie Feldstein known for her work in Booksmart, Lady Bird, and Impeachment: American Crime Series never officially “came out” to the public, but she identifies as queer and spoke about meeting her (now) fiancée Bonnie Chance Roberts in an interview with Teen Vogue in 2019.

4. Abbi Jacobson 

Photo of Abbi Jacobson by iDominick

Actress, writer, and comedian Abbi Jacobson, known for her work in the TV show Broad City alongside Ilana Glazer, came out as bisexual at 36 in an interview with Vanity Fair in 2018 when she told the magazine that she “kind of goes both ways.” She is now engaged to South African actress Jodi Balfour.

5. Maybelle Blair

Maybelle Blair, one of the baseball players who inspired the incredible movie A League of Their Own, just officially came out as a lesbian at 95 years old. In a recent interview with the MLB, Blair said, “I hid for 95 years, trying to hide my gayness. It was hard during my period, because we’d be either fired from our jobs or we would be discharged from service. It was just things that we just couldn’t do. We couldn’t live our lives.” Look out for more about her story in the new Amazon series entitled A League of Their Own (based on the film) written by Abbi Jacobson and Will Graham out now.  

6. Rebel Wilson 

Photo of Rebel Wilson by Eva Rinaldi 

Australian actress Rebel Wilson known for her work in Pitch Perfect recently came out at 42 years old. She revealed her sexuality to the public when she posted a picture with her girlfriend Ramona Agruma on her Instagram with the caption, “I thought I was searching for a Disney Prince… but maybe what I really needed all this time was a Disney Princess.”

 

 

 

 

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7. Elliot Page 

Photo of Elliot Page by Elliot Page 

Canadian actor Elliot Page, known for his work in Juno and The Umbrella Academy, first came out as gay in 2014. He then came out as transgender in 2020 at 33, and received support from celebrities and politicians alike. 

8. Sir Ian McKellen 

Photo of Sir Ian McKellen by Gage Skidmore 

English actor Sir Ian McKellen, known for his work in The Hobbit film series, Richard III, Doctor Who, and more came out during a radio interview with BBC in 1988 at 48 years old. Since then, he has been very active in fighting for LGBTQIA+ rights and co-founded the UK organization Stonewall. 

9. Ricky Martin 

Photo of Ricky Martin by Steve Granitz 

Puerto Rican pop singer Ricky Martin was livin’ his “la vida loca” but found peace after coming out as gay in 2010 when he was 38 years old. He’s now married to Jwan Yosef, a Syrian-Swedish painter, and they’re raising their children together. 

10. George Takei 

Photo of George Takei by Gage Skidmore 

Asian-American actor, author, and activist George Takei, known for his work in Star Trek, came out publicly in 2005 at 68 years old and introduced his husband, Brad Altman, to the world. Since coming out, he has become a major activist working to promote LGBTQIA+ rights and rights for immigrants.  

11. Cynthia Nixon

Photo of Cynthia Nixon by David Shankbone 

Sex and the City’s Cynthia Nixon came out as bisexual in 2012 at 46 years old. She later rescinded this statement, and told Huffpost that she “didn’t really identify as bisexual,” and clarified for Attitude that she now identifies as queer. She is married to activist Christine Marinoni and they have one child together.  

12. Jodie Foster 

Photo of Jodie Foster by Franz Richter 

Actress, director, and producer Jodie Foster, known for her work in The Silence of the Lambs, Nims Island, and more came out as a lesbian in 2007 at 45 years old. According to The Guardian, she revealed her sexuality to the public during a speech at the Hollywood Reporter’s Women in Entertainment breakfast. She also reportedly referenced her coming out at the 2013 Golden Globes during her acceptance speech for the Cecile B. DeMille Award. 

13. Joel Grey 

Photo of Joel Grey by the Peabody Awards 

Broadway actor, dancer, and singer Joel Grey came out as gay in 2015 at the age of 83 during an interview with People. He told the magazine that, “All the people close to me have known for years who I am. [Yet] it took time to embrace that other part of who I always was.”

14. Anderson Cooper 

Photo of Anderson Cooper by Gage Skidmore 

CNN’s beloved news anchor Anderson Cooper came out officially to the public in 2012 when he was 45 years old. According to The Daily Beast, he wrote an email to his friend Andrew Sullivan in which he gave him permission to publish the following statement, “The fact is, I’m gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.” He is now father to two adorable children, Wyatt and Sebastian Maisani-Cooper, who he is currently raising with his former partner, Benjamin Maisani. 

As you can see from the extensive list of celebrities above, there is no age limit on coming out. These inspiring celebrities and activists have continued to pave the way for LGBTQIA+ youth to come out and be proud, and hopefully, others will follow in their footsteps. 

Header photo by 42 North

BUST is looking for fresh “One-Handed Reads.” We publish erotica and erotic-romance that appeals to our audience. This includes contemporary, BDSM, queer stories, sci-fi, and fantasy. Right now we’re especially interested in BIPOC and queer pieces. 

Rate: $50 for 900 words. Send submissions to submissions@bust.com

Rooted in the intention of pleasing only oneself, masturbation is the ultimate self-care, and for many of us, watching porn and masturbating go, well, hand in hand. But despite the fact that according to a 2018 study by TENGA, a sexual health and wellness company, 76 percent of American women masturbate regularly, many women and nonbinary individuals lament the lack of pornography that appeals directly to them. Traditional visual porn all too often centers the male perspective, and a concerning lack of accountability in the industry makes it difficult to know if content has been created ethically (which makes it a bummer to watch).

Enter audio erotica, a genre that straddles the zone between bedtime story and phone sex, in which voice actors narrate red-hot fiction without the visuals. Thanks to a slew of websites and apps offering porn created for and by women, including Dipsea, &Jane, and Emjoy, this genre is changing the way people see (or hear) porn.

Unlike typical visual porn, this new wave of audio erotica feels steered by a feminine force and intended for a non-male audience, with many of the apps created by women who were frustrated with the porn they found elsewhere. The erotic stories of audio porn can run the gamut from queer couple foreplay to hard-core BDSM, each providing nearly endless opportunities to visualize any size, shape, or body type the mind can conjure. And if you swoon at the thought of a British accent, this genre has you covered. Audio-curious? Here are three services to check out. – Stephanie Ganz

Quinn

Often called “the Peloton of audio porn,” Quinn encourages users to submit their own 10-minute stories, which are curated by Quinn staff to ensure adherence to the site’s guidelines. Subscribers pay $4.99 per month to gain access to user-generated content like “Sweatpants” by LateNightFeels or playlists like “Dirty Talk 101,” which includes over four hours of audio. 

&Jane

Known for centering diverse voices, &Jane features stories told exclusively by women and welcomes listeners to share their own stories. Subscribers follow their favorite creators, mirroring the social media experience (but sexier). Best of all, with every $4.99 monthly subscription, &Jane makes a donation to the Woodhull Freedom Foundation, “the only national human rights organization that works full-time to affirm and protect sexual freedom as a fundamental human right.”

Girl on the Net

Since 2011, the mission of Girl on the Net has been to challenge sexual stigmas. This London-based blog includes illustrations, advice, erotic stories, and recommendations for sex toys. In response to a visually impaired visitor to the site, Girl on the Net founder, “Sarah,” began reading her stories aloud, and now audio erotica is one of the things she’s known for. Best of all, it’s free, but supporting the site on Patreon is encouraged. 

ILLUSTRATION: Mia Carnevale

This article originally appeared in BUST’s Summer 2022 print edition. Subscribe today!

“Vabbing,” the fringe trend of using vaginal secretions as perfume by dabbing one’s vaginal fluids (hence: “vabbing”) on the wrists and neck, has recently surged in popularity thanks to TikTok. The idea behind this emerging trend is that vaginal fluids produce pheromones that may attract sexual partners. As a result, people are using vabbing as a way to attract dates, primping themselves with their own naturally-made perfume in preparation for a night out. 

@keni.mov ♬ Top Off – Gunna

So is there any merit to vabbing? Is this the surprise summer sex surge you’ve been waiting for? Scientifically, probably not. While intimacy experts like Shan Boodram describe using vabbing as a form of seduction, very little formal scientific research exists detailing any measurable sexual response to vaginal odors on the basis of human pheremones. Both the NIH and Science Direct studies demonstrate that female hamsters do, in fact, use vaginal fluids to attract male hamsters. Separated from the female hamster body, male hamsters are more attracted to bottles containing the scent of vaginal fluids than clean control bottles. So yes, there’s biological reasoning to suspect that vaginal odors may be sexually enticing. However, humans are not hamsters, and hominid research is not yet expansive enough to arrive at a conclusion. Despite the limited evidence of its effectiveness, there’s also little risk to vabbing. As long as your hands are clean when you’re reaching down there, your vagina isn’t going to suffer any damage. And vice versa, as long as your vagina is clean (obviously, vabbing is not a great idea if you have an active STD or STI), displacing a little fluid to other parts of your body won’t cause any harm. 

The language used to describe vabbing as it gains media attention is often either sexually charged or disparaging: related news headlines include “Will Vabbing Make Your Lover Feral?” or “The ‘vabbing’ trend taking over TikTok which some people think is the most disgusting thing they’ve ever seen.” I was personally disgruntled by the media pronouncements of vabbing as “disgusting.” It’s generally safe, and there’s nothing vulgar about touching and smelling your own body as long as it is not harming your health or the health of others. While there’s little evidence to suggest that vabbing has any scientifically proven effect on sexual attractiveness, there’s also no real reason not to give it a try. 

With that in mind, I decided to go for it. 

I didn’t have any wild plans for the day, nor any intention of attracting a partner. So I went about my normal schedule, with one small adjustment: morning stretches, a little reading, shower, a swipe into my vagina and a little dab on the wrists and neck, and then an afternoon spent writing at the local coffee shop. The scent was only potent if I actually intentionally smelled my wrist. Otherwise, I didn’t notice it, and after a couple hours it wore off completely.  

And here’s the confession…I liked it. As far as personal taste goes, I don’t find vaginal odors particularly sexy—but I do think there’s something empowering about wearing yourself as perfume. 

For me, accepting my vagina isn’t as much about embracing my sexuality or womanhood, as it is about expressing a love for my body, separate from notions of gender. It’s an openness to the self, a refusal to hide. I’ve spent much of my life embarrassed and even afraid of my own biology as a result of the pervasive rhetoric of shame in the context of public school sex education classes, secrecy around periods, and portrayals of bodies in media. Of course, vabbing may not be for everyone, but calling it disgusting is just another way to negate the intrinsic complexity and beauty of the human body. Why shouldn’t we explore our bodies? Why shouldn’t we enjoy the more intimate parts of ourselves, even the way we smell? I don’t plan on adopting vabbing as a sex tool in my future, but I’m glad I tried it. I feel like my vagina and I just got a little bit closer. 

Top image: Deon Black 

I’ve heard it and I’ll bet you have, too: someone minimizes a bad sexual encounter by saying “It’s just sex”—as if their definition of sex easily accommodates experiences that, honestly, most of us would rather not have. Bad sex comes in so many varieties. Let’s look at some and see if we can flip the script.

What Constitutes Bad Sex Anyway?

Sex where you don’t get turned on enough to orgasm

Some people never orgasm and don’t miss it—I don’t define bad sex solely by the presence or absence of climax. But for many, orgasm-less sex can be super-frustrating. It’s also related to how aroused you are (not)—so sex without orgasm is often sex that isn’t turning you on. If you’re having trouble getting aroused, try to figure out what would turn you on and ask for it—including a slower pace with more pleasure-inducing play. If you’re stressed, make sure you’ve had enough sleep, do some meditation, or exercise to give your mood a boost.

Do you find yourself never being interested in sex? Maybe start looking at your sexuality from a different perspective. Is it possible you’re on the asexual spectrum? Do you have unresolved trauma? Is a therapist what you need? Some people who experience a reduced libido are dealing with a medical issue like depression or a response to SSRIs or hormonal birth control. If you think this is the case for you, consult with a medical professional.Arousal is the on-ramp to orgasm. It isn’t optional. And contrary to porn films, a hard-on that lasts all night is not the crucial factor. Speaking of which…

Sex that hurts

This is related to the last kind of bad sex in two ways. One, if sex hurts, it’s hard to get aroused. Two, having sex when you’re not aroused can hurt. Pain can come from various sources: penetration too soon, too hard, too long, or with a body part or toy that’s too big for your comfort; vulvovaginal and pelvic conditions including vaginismus, vulvodynia, pelvic inflammatory disease, or trying to have sex with a urinary tract infection, yeast infection, or STI; and non-sexually-specific pain conditions, like fibromyalgia, can make penetration a painful experience as well. If getting aroused isn’t the problem and you are still in pain, talk to your doctor and try to figure out what’s going on.

Sex without enough communication

By communicating your likes and dislikes, you can help create an atmosphere where you and your partner may feel more comfortable—or at least knowledgeable—about your wants and desires. If you’re not having fun, pleasurable sex, there’s not only a lot to talk about—there’s also a lot to learn!

Boring sex that you’re not invested in

Emotional investment is not required for good sex, but for some, sex must include connection, and if that’s gone, the fundamental reason to have sex could feel absent. Some of us can definitely love the one we’re with (or skip the love, TBH); others will have to wait for Ms./Mr./Mx. Right.

When your sex partner isn’t invested in your pleasure

This might be an uninformed partner or a selfish one, a drunk one or a stressed-out one. There are worse kinds of sex, but this is a good reason to get up and leave.

Drunken fumbles and unwelcome blackout surprises

Yes, everyone has the right to make choices about their party substances, but remember, most make it harder to connect and to orgasm. Alcohol is a depressant, which means the nerves that connect your clit to everything else won’t be on high alert.

Manipulative (all the way to downright nonconsensual) sex

Getting negged or pestered into doing something we’re not enthusiastically consenting to is not just wrong, it’s criminal. Having sex with people who don’t listen when we tell them what our boundaries are; not feeling safe; or not actually being safe—when sex veers into trauma territory, the most important things are to recognize it and then to get the hell out.

—

Confession time: I actually value the bad sex I’ve had. But I would never use those unfortunate instances to define the big and potentially pleasurable category of sex, regardless of how muchI’ve learned from them. Because the bottom line is, I should never have had to get my information about sex from creepy or eye-rolling or disappointing experiences—and you, dear reader, should never have to write or laugh that stuff off. The path to better sex for all of us begins when we learn to recognize bad sex from the beginning and then learn how to say no.

Image by Rudy and Peter Skitterians from Pixabay

Artist Katy Horan (@goodyhoran) made the comic, Bodies, the day after the SCOTUS draft was leaked. “I had to get to the root of why it felt so violent and cruel,” she explains. “As the owner of a uterus and a sexual assault survivor, these words and images communicate how I have felt about living in this world with a female body since I was a teenager. Moving forward, I want to make comics telling real-life stories of those who have chosen abortion. The anti-choice movement uses grossly oversimplified narratives to dehumanize people who choose abortion. These comics are my way of counteracting that dangerous and disgusting rhetoric by showing that every situation is highly individual, nuanced, and always involves actual human beings.”

To continue the project, Katy is starting a series of a short comics to tell the real-life stories of people who choose abortion, and is currently soliciting abortion stories to illustrate. 

Please enjoy Katy’s comic, below.

Bodies

by Katie Horan

How old were you when you realized that your health teacher’s mumbled, 10-minute tangent about how you should always use a condom or else you’ll die instantly was not an exhaustive and inclusive sex education? Was it when you had queer sex for the first time and realized you weren’t quite sure about any of the details? Maybe it was when you heard from a friend-of-a-friend that sex was supposed to feel good, even for people with vaginas? It could’ve been when your friend tested positive for HIV because they weren’t taught how to realistically practice safe sex? When people aren’t presented with acceptable sex education, they often turn to the Internet, where they think they will learn everything they need to know, when in reality, the often misogynistic and violent porn they discover is not an education. Information is power, but disinformation is real and dangerous, especially on a topic that is so important and central to development (whether you are interested in having sex or not). Platforms like TikTok should always be warily regarded because of their allowance of any person anywhere to bill themselves as an expert and reach hundreds of thousands of people who believe every word they say. However, the platform also allows mythbusters and educators to reach more people than ever could’ve been possible before, and to tell us everything that our health teacher left out. We rounded up 9 inclusive, sex-positive creators who have conversations about queerness, parenting, and more that might not have come up in the classroom.

1. @lexxsexdoc

@lexxsexdoc Reply to @eleanorrrriiaaaaa ♬ original sound – lexxsexdoc

Dr. Lexx (she/her) is a couples clinician and sexologist committed to, in her words, “#shamefreesexed for all”. Her focus is on sex-positive parenting and the navigation of raising children to be comfortable with conversations about sexuality and their bodies. She helps her followers have tricky conversations with their children that they may not have been prepared for by their own parents or educators, such as discussing porn literacy with their older teens and managing the discovery of masturbation.

2. @bdemoves

@bdemoves Who is Whit? ?️‍? #bdemoves #debunkdesire #smexed #ChimeHasYourBack #CandyCrushAllStars #greenscreen #fyp #edutok ♬ Stylish Jazz HipHop – Future Oriented Triad

Whitni (she/her/they) is an androgynous and queer Pleasure Coach who informs her followers about just that: pleasure. They have some incredible content about not basing your queer sex around heterosexual norms and focusing on the pleasure of yourself and your partner instead of aiming to recreate straight porn with a strap-on. They dole out advice for people seeking pleasure in any walk of life, tackling everything from the psychology of intimacy to offering a step-by-step guide for giving your partner the best oral possible.

3. @annatheaverage

@annatheaverage likeee I don’t think you understand. I’m. OBSESSED. #seggseducation #vibing ♬ SAD GIRLZ LUV MONEY – Remix – Amaarae & Kali Uchis

Anna is a vibrator engineer and orgasm extraordinaire! She has read mountains of research about sex and pleasure for her work, and she uses that knowledge to answer her follower’s questions and do experiments around orgasms such as seeing if different foods, substances, or circumstances increase the likelihood or intensity. Her focus is on vaginal orgasms, which might have gotten left out of your sex ed altogether.

4. @scottyunfamous

@scottyunfamous Only use toys made out of these materials #learnontiktok #seggseducation #springoutfit #grwm #outfitinspo #seggsualhealth #health #wellness #selfcare #blackgirltiktok #fyp #spicytok #intimacy #fashion ♬ Hoop Earrings – Pardison Fontaine

Scotty (she/her) is a self-proclaimed “sexfluencer” who offers insight on stigmatized health concerns like thrush and bacterial vaginosis. They give helpful reviews of a variety of sex toys and teach her 24.1K followers how to achieve maximum pleasure for themselves and how to provide it to a partner. Her Instagram of the same name offers even more in-depth education and advice relating to pleasure, intimacy, and sexual health.

 

 

 

 

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Scotty Unfamous (@scottyunfamous) • Instagram photos and videos

5. @itskatiehaan

@itskatiehaan Reply to @survivingonbooks_ I’ve got responses coming for a lot of the top questions! also HI NEW FRIENDS!! #wlw #queer #safespace #educational #lgbtq ♬ Relaxed everyday loop BGM – Milk

Katie (she/her) is a queer intimacy director who bills herself as the “TikTok big sis” of anyone with questions regarding sex, especially young queer people. She is also an advocate for peer-led sex education. Katie provides blueprints for conversations surrounding consent, pleasure, and boundaries and delves into queer theory and relationships, addressing huge topics like compulsory heterosexuality (the queer struggle of emulating straightness because it has been so normalized) and when labels are liberating vs. when they’re limiting.

6. @the.attitude.tok

@the.attitude.tok that was a lot to get in 60 seconds ?‍?? #didyouknow #learnontiktok #smexedwithmadeline #anatomylesson ♬ Love You So – The King Khan & BBQ Show

Madeline (she/her) is a queer and polyamorous creator. She teaches vulva owners how to own responsibly. She smashes myths and stigmas and speaks about the proper use of menstrual cups (she has her own line called Vampire Shot Glasses!) and the improper use of douching. As a certified sex educator, Madeline addresses safe and optimal pleasure, both with a partner and without. This account is a must for people with vulvas and/or people who have sex with people with vulvas. 

7. @drsadafobgyn

@drsadafobgyn Making the uncomfortable a nonchalant conversation around here ? #muslimtiktok #intimacy ♬ the joke is on you. icarly – Kate

Dr. Sadaf is an OBGYN, Sex Coach, and host of the Muslim Sex Podcast. She reveals the gaps she discovered in her own sex ed while becoming an OBGYN and aims to ensure that people do not live in the dark regarding their own sexuality. Shame has no place on Dr. Sadaf’s page where she promotes confidence and open communication, regardless of religious background and upbringing. 

8. @big.c.energy

@big.c.energy You can order one of these cute cl¡t cushions from @Cliterally The Best aka Seggs Ed guru/ legend #seggsseries #seggseducation #anatomy ♬ original sound – Big C Energy

This creator who goes by Big Clit Energy (she/her) offers tips for queer people to have safe, pleasurable sex and shares her own experiences to make sure her followers don’t feel alone in theirs. This page is a little less scientific than some others on this list and is pure, unintimidating fun, while still being highly educational.

9. @drjeanius

@drjeanius You are in charge! Talk to your healthcare provider along the way so you’re comfortable! #complexfamilyplanning #speculum #obgyn #sexeducation #pelvicexams @drjeanius @drjeanius ♬ オリジナル楽曲 – ?きょっちゃん? – きょっちゃん

Dr. Jean (she/her) is a fierce advocate for reproductive health. As a practicing OB/GYN, she shares tips for vulva owners on being a little more comfortable while being examined with a speculum and takes the fear out of a visit to the OB/GYN. She shares truths about the legal and medical side of abortion which every vulva owner should know and that you may not have known before coming across her page, 

Pleasure and sexual safety are not dirty, nor are they a luxury. They are basic rights, and these creators do a spectacular job showing their followers that they deserve every bit of it.

Photo by //unsplash.com/@charlesdeluvio?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&;utm_content=creditCopyText”>charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

Rebel Wilson gave Disney some queer inspiration with an Instagram post yesterday that read, “I thought I was searching for a Disney Prince… but maybe what I really needed all this time was a Disney Princess ???#loveislove“

The photo of Wilson and her girlfriend, fashion designer Ramona Agruma, garnered over a million likes after just one day. The Australian comedian is being showered with love and support from her new queer community.

 

 

 

 

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A post shared by Rebel Wilson (@rebelwilson)

Stars like Ruby Rose, Elizabeth Banks, Alsion Brie, and Jodie Comer are flooding her Instagram comments with heart emojis. Ariana Debose, Selma Blair, and Melanie Griffith also joined in on the celebration, proving that Hollywood can be an inviting place for the LGBTQI+ community.

So, does this mean a gay rom-com is in Wilson’s near future? 

Collage, top: Photo of Rebel Wilson by Eva Rinaldi

Did you know May is national masturbation month? Yup, an entire month dedicated to touching yourself. The month came as a result of the then-Surgeon general, Joycelyn Elders, deciding that masturbation should be a part of sex education in 1994. She was fired by former president Clinton for this act. 

A few years ago a Somatic Educator I had hired to run a workshop, asked for volunteers to join a “Masturbation for Science” Group- a Facebook group where we committed to masturbating every day and writing about our experience. I have always been sexually curious and open, and love learning about and connecting with my own sexuality, so obviously, I volunteered as tribute. 

I was super eager to learn more about myself, to receive tips on how to masturbate more mindfully, and prioritize my pleasure. I believe I even stated my intention as “approaching the month with a playful curiousity”. Thirty-one days of touching myself for the sake of science, no problem. The rules or suggestions were pretty simple:

She suggested giving yourself 30 minutes, which included five mins of stillness at some point throughout the practice. Genital touch that is different from your go-to, among other suggestions: self-touch that is not genital, movement before or after, attention on your breath, focus on what is happening in your body, etc.

“Simple. No problem,” I thought. Masturbating everyday didn’t seem like a huge stretch by any means. I was excited to learn new things and explore parts of my sexuality, though nervous about sharing my experience in a group (we were to keep a journal and encouraged to share about our experience in the group). While I managed to complete 20 out of the 31 days, what I wasn’t prepared for was not only how difficult it was, but what it brought up for me.

I may not have pet the cat every day, but I did, however, learn a lot about myself (and sex in general). In fact, being in this experiment really helped me do a lot of my own personal work, which in turn allowed me to expand my offerings as an empowerment coach and better help my clients access their own pleasure.

What follows are a few of the lessons that came to light and tips I have learned since that science experiment that improved my sex life and all round relationship with myself.

1. I didn’t prioritize my pleasure

This was for sure one of the most glaring realities of this ‘experiment’ and has had the most profound effect on my life. So often during the challenge I was too tired, too run down, too busy, or too distracted to actually pleasure myself. I realized how much I had internalized the Capitalist belief of pleasure as “unproductive”. I prioritized “getting work done” over doing something enjoyable or beneficial for myself. Unfortunately, this even extended into my sex life. Even sex with myself. It was a really hard realization.

Day 19- I remember feeling really sad because I had the realization of how little pleasure I allow in my life. Not only is making time for pleasure an issue, but when doing pleasurable things, I’m so often rushing through them, trying to get them ‘done’ so I can move on to work.

While this is still a battle, I have worked hard to try to make all types of pleasure a priority in my life. In fact, I started with trying to prioritize non-sexual pleasure as a way to open myself up to pleasure in general, as I believe this is an important step in opening oneself up to more sexual pleasure. So instead of allowing myself a pleasurable activity, like having a bath, going for a walk, dancing, eating something delicious, spending time with loved ones, etc. when the ‘to do’ list was done (it is never done), I started scheduling in pleasure throughout my day like I would a doctor’s appointment or a meeting. I began allowing myself tiny moments of pleasure all day as a way to open myself up to more pleasure. Eventually these moments became just as important (if not more) as the other things in my schedule.

After some time prioritizing general pleasure in my life, I was able to extend this to sexual pleasure; carving out time in my mornings a couple days a week for my own self-pleasure practice, scheduling intimacy with my partner, prioritizing sex at a time when I have energy, instead of as another to-do at the end of a long day.

And it changed me. I can honestly tell you prioritizing pleasure has changed my life. It has opened me up to new kinds of pleasure (both sexual and non), it has given me more energy and vitality, and it has made me a happier person.

2. There Is Room For Play, Even By Yourself

I can say that I don’t have a lot of problems incorporating play into the bedroom with a partner, but I never really considered it when I was solo sessioning. 

Play is done for its own sake, not to achieve a goal. It is about exploring, having fun, and being present.

Similarly to pleasure, making time for play in life and in masturbation, will lead to a more fun and a more fulfilling life.

This month of masturbation definitely illuminated the lack of play in my solo sex life. Since then I’ve tried incorporating play more often into my self-pleasure practice, such as setting a timer and trying to beat it and then outlast it, edging, dressing up, and tying myself up, though there is still lots to explore.

Day 11- woke up too early (damn) spent the time playing- stretching, flexing and releasing all my muscles, feeling the sensation of my body heavy on the bed. I grazed my thighs, my stomach, and traced my vulva. Eventually got out a toy I don’t use very often and played with it on my vulva, legs, perineum; teasing myself, trying not to rush myself anywhere. 

3. I Learned To Try New Things

This was tough. In the challenge we were not supposed to masturbate in our same old way; our go-to. Which is hard because, generally that is what ‘works’ for us. I have general go-tos like certain vibrators and fantasies, which work ‘beautifully’ for me. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it? Right? And while I think pleasure in any form is great, I knew I was closing myself off to all kinds of new feelings, experiences and sensations and all kinds of great pleasure by doing the same thing over and over.

In trying to touch myself in new ways, in new areas, using different techniques, pressures, positions, toys, I learned a lot more about what I liked (gently grazing my own erogenous zones and incorporating breast play- why had I not done this before?) and what I didn’t like (being on my stomach and playing ‘acoustic’) and experienced all kinds of new sensations and orgasms. And who doesn’t want to experience new kinds of orgasms?

Day 3- I tried moving my hips back and forth and turned over onto my side to try something new. Moved to my stomach, which I never masturbate on and experimented with lifting my hips to different levels and spreading my legs further apart. At first mostly just focused on “gyrating” but then added my hand and eventually a vibrator. It was nice to notice how different a familiar toy felt in a different position. 

4.  I Focused On Feeling & Taking My Time

This was a big one for me. As someone with chronic pain, I have spent a lot of time ignoring my body because being present in my body generally means being in pain. Turns out, you have to be present in your body to experience pleasure too. This challenge really highlighted how I was shutting out pleasure and was a good exercise in practicing focusing on sensation. Spending time focusing on good sensations in my body (rather than always being in the painful ones) allowed me to remember that my body is a source of pleasure too. 

In this experiment (and now in my regular self-pleasure practice), I spent a lot of time focusing on feeling; noticing pressure, temperature, pulsing, expansion, tension, etc. I even sometimes try to give words (soft, hot, fleshing, wet, juicy, smooth, etc) to describe my experience and stay focused and present in my body. 

Day 31- last day! Feels like it’s the last day I’ll ever masturbate. Ha. While I know that’s not true, I try to remind myself of what it would mean if I couldn’t. And it feels extra important to be grateful and present. I start with my 5 mins, lying still on my bed. Window is open and there is a lovely gentle breeze coming in. There’s a storm brewing and the energy in the air is charged. I close my eyes and feel it on my skin.

5. The Body Is Full Of Erogenous Zones

Often when we masturbate, we go for the goods right away. But we miss some good stuff. I think a big take- away for me during this challenge was that I can provide (a lot of) the touch I like to have from a partner. My body is full of erogenous zones, just waiting for me to explore them. 

Stroking my own thighs, running my fingers over the crux of my elbow, playing with my own hair, grazing my own breasts and pinching my own nipples, running my own tongue along my forearm all brought me a heightened sense of arousal that I previously thought only a partner could provide. I was wrong.  

Day 16- Woke up and decided to practice. Spent time touching myself as if I was a partner. Played with my hair, ran my fingers along my face, my neck (if only I could kiss my own neck), my arms and my stomach- pretending to notice these parts of myself for the first time- like a new partner, exploring my body. 

6. I’m A Little Dependent On My Toys

This was a tough one at the time. I still used them in the challenge, but not often and not in my ‘go to’ ways. Orgasm without a vibrator??!! That sounds like… work!

But it was nice to get back to my roots, you know, the good ol’ days before I got smart and invested in a vibrator (or five).

At first it was a lot of work and frustration, as our bodies can become used to certain forms of stimulation, but it did eventually lead to new pleasure and a few more intense or prolonged orgasms. And who doesn’t love that?

Now I take regular breaks from my vibrators or use ones that provide different sensations than my favourites, just to make sure I am not relying too heavily on one thing and am keeping myself open to experiencing new kinds of pleasure.

7. Removing The Goal To Orgasm Can Open Up New Pleasure

This was hard. I mean, isn’t that why most of us masturbate??!!

But shifting my view of masturbating to beyond orgasming and as dedicated time to exploring myself, my pleasure and my desires, allowed me to experience new pleasure I would have missed if I had only been focused on the prize. It’s like when you’re super focused on getting somewhere and you take the trusted, fastest route, you miss taking all the cool side roads that could allow you to see all kinds of new exciting things and perhaps even lead to new adventures. 

Removing this pressure and focusing on the experience of pleasure in both solo and partnered sex helps me relax and sometimes, ironically, even leads to bigger, better orgasms.

Day 24- did not masturbate, per say, but focused on pleasure with a partner. Applied some of the techniques I had been practicing such as focusing on sensation, using the word “pleasure” to refocus myself when my mind wandered, focusing on the enjoyment rather than the goal of orgasming (though oddly enough- that happened much more easily )

8. My Expectations Are Unrealistic

This came up a lot for me during the challenge. I felt inadequate and even like I was letting people down if I didn’t masturbate every day. Can you imagine that? Some people think a puppy dies every time they masturbate and here I was feeling badly for not doing it more.

But removing the expectation that I was going to be “perfect” was the best thing I could do (in sex and in life). Giving myself permission to not do it 100% and to be okay if it didn’t go the way I wanted. To remind myself that I am still enough, even when I don’t ‘succeed’ in the ways I wanted to. 

In other words, “Girl, you are still fabulous, even if you don’t masturbate everyday.” 

This is helpful in masturbation, in sex, and in life in general. I remind myself that it’s okay if I don’t feel like going downtown on myself or like having sex, or am not into having a certain type of sex. It’s okay if I’m too tired after I work, make dinner, clean up, and do more work to get freaky with myself or someone else.

9. Mindfulness Helps

This challenge was a great practice in mindfulness; in really being present. So often my mind would wander, but I continued to work on bringing it back by using the word “pleasure” to refocus and bring my attention to my breath, a trick I still use today. I also used/use music a lot to stay focused and match my energy and climax to the intensity in the music. 

Since this challenge I have really prioritized things like yoga, meditation, and ‘being in my senses’, which has had big impacts on being able to be present and focused in my solo and partnered sex life.

Day 18: played around with music some more and flexing and releasing in time. Let music guide my intensity. Realized the importance of it for me for really staying focused and present in my practice. music is a huge part of my sensuality and my connection to myself and my desires.

10. I Still Have Shame To Unlearn

As sexually empowered as I like to think of myself, being part of this challenge really highlighted some of the shame I still held around masturbating. Being worried about my neighbours hearing me, doing it when my partner wasn’t around, not telling many people about the challenge or posting regularly in the group, all pointed to the internalized shame I feel about masturbation. 

Even writing about my personal experience with masturbating for a bunch of strangers feels a tad uncomfortable. 

I don’t know one person where shame hasn’t crept into their bedroom. I’ve done A LOT of work around my own shame related to sex and this challenge highlighted I still had more to do. 

Some of the work I’ve done around shame since this challenge: I spent a lot of time noticing my thoughts around shame (as they relate to masturbation and sex). I wrote them down. I got curious about them. I asked myself where they came from? Where did I learn them (a lot of them I learned from the Patriarchy)?

I noticed what shame felt like in my body, what sensations it caused, and was willing to sit with them. Then I started practicing new thoughts that countered the old learned thoughts around shame, things like “I deserve to experience pleasure” and “It’s okay to like sex”. I also spent a lot of time focusing on appreciating my body for the pleasure it allows me to experience, rather than what it looks like. I cleaned up my intake of media that wasn’t sex positive or didn’t have diverse bodies and I worked really hard to notice when I was judging others and where that might be coming from. 

Who knew masturbating regularly would unlock so many life lessons? This challenge highlighted a lot of my own personal work still left to do, which sent me on my own pleasure journey, which eventually led to being able to help others’ on theirs. And just made my life more exciting, vibrant and satisfying.

So I guess what I’m saying is, I think masturbating made me a better person. 

Top photo: The author

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone

Vibrators changed my life, and maybe yours, too. I’ve been promoting vibe-induced pleasure for roughly half my life (and that’s just in public. I also had nice things to say about them way before vibrators basically became my day job). But not everyone feels the same way. And I’m not even talking here about those “but that’s not natural!” vibe abstainers who want to orgasm only during partner sex, or maybe by hand alone,
with shower massager assistance being the only tech outlier they’d consider. (Because if you close your eyes, you can kinda imagine it’s a waterfall. Or go all out and imagine Annie Sprinkle leading you in a guided meditation!)

I have nothing at all against going natural. Hey, I’m an only partially recovered hippie. But we have nerve endings that help us process vibration for a reason—and there are
lots of them on the clitoris! (Penile head, too, or whatever you’ve got and whatever you call it.) And many vibe fans count on those nerve endings and the vibration they respond to for their first orgasm, and sometimes all the subsequent ones to boot.

Nevertheless, I have spoken to many people who told me they did not like the feeling of vibration. It was too strong, it was too buzzy, it was too different from the delicious sensations of skin on skin. It wasn’t what they expected, or it just wasn’t what they liked. And maybe that’s you. Vibrators did not change your life, even if you hoped they would. There are a few reasons why that might be the case. I’m not trying to sell you on vibes here, if that’s not of interest to you. But if you want to try again for some reason, or even just if you’re into a “know thyself ” kind of thing, I’d like to share some ways of thinking about what happened if a date with a vibe went wrong.

• Just like what happens when you swipe on Tinder, you chose an incompatible one. It was too much, or it wasn’t enough. Whatever it was, Goldilocks, it was not just right.

• Maybe it was wrong in the size, shape, or texture department. Any of those qualities can be personal preferences that—if the vibe isn’t right—can make your toy either “meh” or just wrong. By which I mean, the wrong one for you, because others might like it even if you don’t. There isn’t one vibrator that is perfect for every user, because we are different in the ways we respond and what we prefer.

• Some people don’t have the experience they expect because they bypass the clitoris for the vagina. The basic belief here is usually sex = intercourse, and masturbation = sex, but by yourself. While there are people who truly love insertive vibrator play, there are way fewer vibe-happy nerve endings inside the vagina, which responds more to pressure, motion, and fullness than vibration. This is even true for many people when it comes to G-spot stimulation. If you love your G-spot vibe, a G-spot dildo might be just as pleasurable.

• I’ll just repeat: CLITORIS. But some clits are quite sensitive, and even the softest vibrator is too much for some. For others, the size and shape of the clitoral stimulation area might be too pointy and focused—this can feel super-intense even to many vibe fans—and a larger toy (like a wand, or those vibrators that fit in the palm) will be a better choice.

• The clit and the vagina are close together (in people who have one of each), and great to stimulate simultaneously— many of us have two hands and keep both of them busy when masturbating! But there are twice-as-nice toys and their subset, rabbit vibes, that stimulate both.

• Finally, some people try a vibrator when they aren’t turned on, and their arousal doesn’t ramp up quickly enough, or at all. So a sensation that might, in a higher state of turn-on, feel lovely, instead feels irritating or just so-so.

Remember, you don’t have to get into vibrators! You don’t have to have any erotic experience at all, if you don’t want to. But so many of us have had no pleasure-inclusive (much less toy-inclusive) sex education—it really isn’t surprising that some some first dates with toys don’t go much better than some first dates with humans. If you decide on a second date, go with a partner with more than one speed, start slow, enjoy the tease and the journey, see if it’s nicer with lubricant (but no silicone lube on a silicone vibe!), and just explore. Those factors might make human second dates better, too.

2nd photo: https://unsplash.com/photos/n87IdOaYZCE

 This column originally appeared in BUST’s Spring 2022 print edition. Subscribe today!

 “I could never be gay because I think my own vagina is fucking disgusting.” That’s what I used to say, with a laugh, before I fully understood the complexities of gender and queer attraction, and their complete separation from genitalia. And when I came out as pansexual a few years later, I discovered that not all vulvas were disgusting. Some, in fact, could be rather lovely. Just not mine.

In summer, shorts exposed me if I sat down. My favorite panties could not contain me. I didn’t understand how every lingerie model I saw fit perfectly into bodysuits and barely-there underwear without ever having a lip slip. The fact that my clothing was not designed to encase me reinforced my belief that my body was ugly and abnormal. A part of me that was supposed to be sexy, the ultimate reveal, was an embarrassment.

I assumed everyone else’s just looked better. I worried I’d be stuck comparing that part of myself to my partners’, the way I always hurt myself by using other people as a yardstick with which to measure myself. Not even the rallying cry for empowerment, The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler (now known as V), could soften my feelings toward it. I performed monologues in two of the annual productions at my university. I heard the poetic lines about a vulva’s beauty and its flower-like shape over and over again. I watched fellow actors perform comedic tales of overcoming aversion to the “mink-lined muffler” in their pants and learning to let others love it.

The fact that I even had an opinion about my vulva alarmed me. How have beauty standards become so insidious that they have us critiquing the appearance of something we rarely see and have zero control over?

But I still longed for mine to be tucked away and tidy—any way other than how it was. A partner’s compliments couldn’t sway me—no one had ever remarked negatively about it, and that didn’t matter. I know all too well that body image doesn’t rely solely on the opinions of other people. And as an eating disorder survivor, I’m aware that there are far more toxic ways to hate your body.

The fact that I even had an opinion about my vulva alarmed me. How have beauty standards become so insidious that they have us critiquing the appearance of something we rarely see and have zero control over? Dr. Sarah Yamaguchi sees a lot of vulvas in her work as a gynecologist and knows that her patients get caught up in the shape, size, and color of theirs.  She says pigmentation and size differ from person to person, just like with anything else on our bodies. “Just like being a redhead isn’t common but it’s normal, having extremely small labia or extremely large labia isn’t common but it’s normal.”

The range of “normal” is so vast that it is difficult to share any one model of a vagina, which is probably why I have never seen one like mine. Stella Harris is a sex educator and coach who teaches a class called Mapping the Vulva, where students are asked to draw a vulva before learning about the anatomy. “I regularly have people in my classes end up in tears when they find out they are ‘normal,’” she tells me.

Nevertheless, many vagina owners have taken drastic measures to be “normal” down there. About 10,000 people get labiaplasty each year. The procedure is often referred to as a form of “vaginal rejuvenation,” as if a 20-something’s pussy could be so used up and sad that it would need to be brought back to life like a wilted, shriveled houseplant on a windowsill. Labiaplasty is most commonly used to minimize the size of the labia minora, or inner labia. But the form of labiaplasty that would suit me is apparently a lot less common, I read on one website, and would involve “trimming” the outer labia or labia majora. It’s good to know my “problem” is even more rare than I initially thought!

Yet, if a significant number of people are having vulva image issues, where are they talking about it? We hear all about size insecurity as it pertains to penis-having people. Commiseration over small dicks is socially acceptable. Dicks in general always seem to be fair game for conversation in the media, and no one bats an eye.

But I’d never seen any conversations about vulva insecurities. That is, until I got on TikTok. It started with a clip that used the “salami lid” sound—taken from a video of a guy saying, “the salami lid ain’t gonna fit,” as he attempts to put a lid on an over-full container of sliced salami. The sound has been used in dozens of TikToks to accompany videos of things that are too big for other things—like a fat cat trying to slip through a gate. But when TikTok user @dairyfreequeef played it over a video of herself holding up pairs of Victoria’s Secret panties to show how narrow the fabric was in the crotch area, I felt seen.  

@dairyfreequeef the salami lid ain’t gon fit like that ?? #fyp #salami ♬ Duhsalamilihd – YungNuts

That video was watched almost 140,000 times and received over 200 comments. Many of the comments came from people who seemed to be as relieved as I was to see this issue out in the open. “God, I’m just so happy people are talking about this,” one commenter said. Others made it clear how much they related to the clip. “Like either left or right; it can’t fit both,” one said. “When sis falls out and you have to pretend nothing happened,” added another. “The outie people know what’s up, am I right?” commented a third. @dairyfreequeef even added her own response to the comment thread. “It’s such an unfortunate struggle. The level of audacity the basement curtains have, like they run the place.”

TikTok became the space I didn’t know I needed. Hearing people normalize it and essentially say, “Hey, I have the same situation down there, let’s laugh about it and commiserate over our cute panties never fitting quite right,” made me feel a whole lot less like I was this gross person with a weird vagina.

The “salami lid” video wasn’t the only place on TikTok where this sort of conversation was taking place. Australian actor, writer, and TikTok star Ella Watkins (@ella.whatkins), who’s known for making comic videos and has 1.9 million followers, shared a video featuring two Ellas, both in the same red dress, with one, wearing a red beret, interviewing the other. “Ella, what’s wrong?” the bereted Ella asks. “I dunno. Sometimes I worry that I have abnormally large labbies,” the second Ella answers, rather primly and properly, before going on to clarify what she means. “Untrimmed hanger steaks. A poorly stuffed sleeping bag. A generous helping of lasagna.” Beret Ella asks, “How generous are we talking?”

“If I fell from an airplane, I could parachute myself to safety,” the first Ella replies.

“Ella, there’s nothing wrong with having an immense ham hammock,” Beret Ella reassures her.

“Oh, there’s not?” Ella asks.

“No. Bell sleeves are coming back in fashion!” Beret Ella exclaims. It goes on from there, but you get the idea.

@ella.whatkins When the meat curtains are cinema-sized #comedy #fyp #bodypositivity ♬ original sound – Ella Watkins

Watkins’ skit, which was posted back in August 2021, received over 300,000 likes and almost 2,500 comments, with viewers saying things like, “I feel so seen” and “Thank you for making me feel normal.” One viewer wrote, “I love this. As someone with this [issue], the video makes it more funny than embarrassing.” A labor and delivery nurse even chimed in to say, “I’ve never seen a single vulva and thought, ‘This one looks strange.’”

For me, it was especially important to see something like that become a hit on TikTok, where there is so much of a focus on thirst traps and flaunting hotness. Some people in the comments of Watkins’ video said things like, “I thought everyone had innies,” which helped explain why I felt so alone in owning one that was so, well, out there. The fact that the subject matter reached the right audience and spoke to many people’s struggles is a testament to the power of the Internet and its ability to build communities around absolutely everything.

I posted my own TikTok video in which I show off some new Reebok boy shorts that offer full front-butt coverage. I used sound from Watkins’ clip (“Sometimes I feel like I have an above-average-sized coochi mama! An extra hot hot-pocket!”), along with text over the video that read “never found boy shorts that actually covered everything…till now.” I then kick my leg in the air with text reading, “demonstrating I can kick without releasing the hot pocket.” In my caption, I mention the brand for “anyone in the extra-large hot dog bun gang,” and thank Watkins for her “much needed representation.” The video garnered over 9,000 views and more than 700 likes, but the only comments were people telling me to just buy men’s boxers. The overall response was reassuring, but even after this experience, I’m still not rejoicing or embracing my “Big Mac buns.”

@eatbegaylove they’re @reebok in case anyone in the extra large hot dog bun gang is wondering. thank you @ella.whatkins for the much needed representation #fyp ♬ original sound – Ella Watkins

Because the truth is, I have considered cosmetic surgery for this one part of me that is “too much.” But isn’t that what it always come down to with our bodies—they are always either too much or not enough? And at the end of the day, going under the knife to mold my body into a more “normal” picture of how a cisgender woman is supposed to look just isn’t worth it. I have the privilege of having genitalia that align with the gender I know myself to be. What would a “rejuvenation” really do for me, besides expand my underwear options? And I think it would be unsettling to glance down between my legs and see a shrunken version of a piece of my body, an intimate part of the only home I have ever known. 

It’s OK that my vulva is ugly to me. I don’t need it to be beautiful, I just want to stop feeling disgusting and abnormal. So, if someone can make me laugh at myself instead, I’ll take it.

I guess what I’ve realized is this:  My vulva is not my womanhood. And, like my womanhood, my vulva doesn’t owe anyone prettiness. Not even me.

Photos by Elizabeth Restroom

TikTok stills from: 

@dairyfreequeef “the salami lid won’t fit” video

Ella Watkins (@ella.whatkins) “Meat Curtains” video

The author (@eatbegaylove) “full front-butt coverage” video

This article originally appeared in BUST’s Spring 2022 print edition. Subscribe today!

In the break room at work, my friend Wesley and I sit across from each other on our phones. I’m texting Max, a guy I met on Hinge (a dating app that directs you to “like” things on peoples’ profiles to show interest, rather than swiping right or left) and have been out on a few dates with. Wesley is texting Aubrey, someone he just matched with yesterday on Tinder. “How am I supposed to respond to this?” Wesley asks, handing me his phone. The last message received is just one word: “Absolutely.”

“You don’t,” I say, handing his phone back. “Everyone knows that sending a one-word response to a conversation is as good as killing it. If she wants to keep talking, she’ll follow up.” Wesley makes a face like I’d just suggested he drink pickle juice, then puts his phone back in his pocket. A classic serial texter, he’s not the type to leave someone on read.

Wesley and I have only known each other for a few months, but he has become one of my best friends. He risked his life to get me to the airport in the aftermath of a snowstorm and gave me homemade salsa for Christmas; I play wingwoman and offer my best advice and comfort as he navigates his romantic relationships. He is enthusiastic and outgoing, while I am reserved and practical; we balance each other out well. 

Wesley and I actually met on Hinge before we started working together. We talked for a week (often about our shared experiences working for the same company, though in different locations), sent each other selfie-videos on Snapchat to prove we were real people, made plans to go out on a date to a local brewery for pizza. He was attentive, and messaged often – sometimes to see how my day was going, questions about myself, photos of plants and pets. This is an objectively good way to date someone online, but I didn’t respond well to it; I needed time to process all of the questions and attention and then translate it into something I could say back. He would respond within five minutes, and the cycle would begin anew. Processing and responding to the barrage of attention quickly became more exhausting than exhilarating, and at the last minute, I got cold feet and canceled everything, blaming my lack of feelings on being so busy with work (untrue) and still being in love with my ex (laughably untrue). Even in rejection, Wesley was still kind – he told me he understood and would be open to friendship instead, if I wanted. Despite this, I deleted my Snapchat app and tried to forget the whole thing ever happened – effectively ghosting him and ending the relationship we had built. It wasn’t my finest hour.

My relationship with Wesley wasn’t the first I’d started (and learned from) over a dating app. Over the course of my twenties so far, Hinge has introduced me to many different people and led to several connections, and even a few lasting relationships.

Another example: I met Richard when I was a senior in college, after we matched on Bumble. He had originally been outside of my filtered deal-breakers (he was nearly five years older than me, which at first seemed too weird), but after I swiped through everybody in our small hometown, Bumble suggested I adjust my expectations. 

We hit it off right away. He had recently left his PhD program and returned home, and I was home on winter break. We discovered we had gone to rival high schools and had many similar hometown memories – and we both loved books, politics, traveling, and had similar aspirations of leaving our hometown for good and living a big, beautiful life somewhere else. We had our second date on New Year’s Eve, and by the end of it, I was certain that our relationship would be something special. Even though years have passed since then, I still look back on that night – the excitable crowd around the bar, the dimmed lights, the tiny plastic glasses of champagne, his arm around me– and reminisce about how good it felt to want a moment to last forever. Our relationship was a textbook example of how dating apps like Bumble or Hinge are supposed to work; you use them to meet people you feel attracted to and determine whether or not to pursue a relationship with them. Once you’ve made that decision, the dating app has fulfilled its purpose. 

But that purpose is not the only mode of success. You can find solid, healthy, fulfilling love from meeting someone online – which is what ultimately keeps me from giving up on using them altogether. But I’ve learned that even if you don’t find love from a dating-app relationship, that doesn’t mean you can’t gain other beneficial things – friendship, knowledge, or even just experience in getting to know somebody and showcasing yourself. My experience with Wesley, for example, led me to an important realization about myself that I hadn’t made before: I don’t like a lot of attention when I’m just getting to know somebody, or in the early stages of a relationship. I need time and space to analyze my feelings before I dive in headfirst. Eventually, I would also learn that ghosting is often hurtful and unnecessary. These are only a few examples.

Being aware of the pitfalls of online dating is also important; unfortunately, dating apps usually tend to have more negative effects on their users’ emotional and mental health than positive ones. According to a study done by researchers at the University of North Texas, “Tinder users reported having lower levels of satisfaction with their faces and bodies and having lower levels of self-worth than the men and women who did not use Tinder” – which seems a natural response to the constant judgment and comparison that comes with using dating apps. These findings are only exacerbated by the disproportionate ways dating apps harm the mental and emotional wellbeing of users of color, particularly Black people – according to a study published in the Journal of Research in Personality, “when the [users] were Black, Asian, or Hispanic, they were less likely to be swiped right on. Among the largest effect sizes was a lower likelihood of swiping right if the [user] was Black.” People themselves aren’t even the only perpetrators when it comes to racist behavior on these apps – the apps themselves are also guilty of facilitating racism on their platforms through the way they’re set up. According to researchers at Cornell University, “Mobile dating apps that allow users to filter their searches by race – or rely on algorithms that pair up people of the same race – reinforce racial divisions and biases.” The researchers state further that “Letting users search, sort and filter potential partners by race not only allows people to easily act on discriminatory preferences, it stops them from connecting with partners they may not have realized they’d like.” As a result, it’s much harder for people of color to preserve their self-esteem and feelings of self-worth while using dating apps than it is for White people. 

I have Mexican and Indigenous ancestry, and often pass for Latina when people glance at my face or my photos. I’ve read countless comments (usually from White men) on how “exotic” my skin looks, or even invasive ones like “Why do you have a White girl’s name if you’re Mexican?” and “So where do you come from, Amiga?” Not to mention the hidden racists who glance at the color of my skin and instantly make a judgment about the type of person I am before rejecting my profile altogether. Combined with the universal feelings of failure that arise when presented with zero matches at the end of the day, I know how easy it is to let the dating app experience wear you down into someone who hates everything about themselves and loses sight of what they’re hoping to get from the experience. 

When I first hopped on the dating app scene seven years ago, I was eighteen – a freshman in college. I had just broken up with my high school boyfriend and wanted to know what else was out there in the world for me, if anything. I was insecure about my appearance, unsure of what I wanted, and deeply hurt by the way my past relationship had eroded my self-confidence, my ability to stand up for myself and what I wanted, and my ability to communicate with others. A reset on my love life was deeply needed. So, I downloaded Tinder. My best friend and I took photos of ourselves for my profile all over town – studying at Starbucks, posing in front of trees on campus, candid selfies with wide grins. Seeing myself in a profile and choosing what I got to show helped me feel more in control of myself. 

At first, I really wanted to just jump into another relationship – casual dating felt too impersonal. Why would I want to get to know someone if we were only going to go on one date? But the more people I talked to and the more dates I went on, I realized that not every connection I make with a person is going to result in a long-term relationship – and that I didn’t even want it to. I learned to let go of my own expectations of what I always thought I wanted and start to consider other paths in my dating life. Sometimes online dating as a whole became too frustrating – too many men commenting on my appearance, too many men just wanting sex and not wanting to get to know me, too many men who wouldn’t leave me alone – so there have been at least a dozen times where I’ve just deleted the app and walked away for a bit. I’ve noticed that that helps protect my mental and emotional health, too. 

It took a few years to actually notice a difference in the way that I carried myself and the things I shared with my dates. Before, I would let people walk all over me, afraid that they would give up on me the moment I pushed back. But one date I went on during my junior year, there was a boy who was a little too handsy. I pushed him away and canceled the rest of the date. He apologized, but the damage had been done, and I didn’t reach out to him again. And I got to walk away knowing that I could protect myself from people who didn’t care about hurting me. Seven years and countless matches, conversations, relationships, fights, and breakups later, I am a lot more comfortable with myself now than I was before. I’m not afraid to put myself out there anymore. 

These days, I’ve developed my Hinge profile to the level of being a (self-proclaimed) masterpiece; it is a carefully curated mixture of self-portraits, group shots, and pertinent information about the type of person I am. I use photos that show me at my happiest from angles that make me feel beautiful – instead of focusing on what other people might want to see, I focus on what I want to show. I also use the provided prompts to make it clear that I’m not looking to date people who hate cats, or anyone who voted for Donald Trump – clear boundaries that help prevent me from meeting the wrong people for me. These purposeful acts of self-reflection have helped me preserve my own self-esteem and feel more in control of my dating-app journey.

This is a journey that has been going on-and-off for a while. I don’t feel a sense of urgency around using dating apps, and I don’t consider myself a failure for being halfway through my twenties and not finding “the one” yet – I just keep coming back to my profile and it just keeps working for me. Not working as in finding the love of my life, but in getting me to talk to people, to go on dates, to make connections with people, to learn from this seemingly unending hunt for true love.  It is a redefined type of success, but success, nonetheless. And that’s probably the most valuable thing I’ve gotten from my dating app experience so far.

Well, the second most valuable thing.

Two or so months after I left Wesley on read, I found myself being transferred to another work center within my company – coincidentally, the one he happened to work at. On my first day, I was eating lunch in the break room when Wesley walked in. I knew he worked there, and he had seen my name on the schedule, so it wasn’t a surprise to either of us. We exchanged pleasantries, and I apologized for the way things had ended between us. He graciously accepted my apology and went on his way; I kept eating my lunch. Later, he passed by my desk and said, “This isn’t going to be weird, right?”

“No,” I said. “We’re going to be friends.” 

Photo by //www.pexels.com/@flora-westbrook?utm_content=attributionCopyText&utm_medium=referral&;utm_source=pexels”>Flora Westbrook from Pexels

For many expectant mothers, pregnancy can be a stressful experience. From lists of baby names to birthing plans to stacks of pregnancy handbooks, there is a lot to plan for, both during and after pregnancy. But for Black women, there is far more at stake.  According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “Black women are three to four times more likely to experience a pregnancy-related death than white women.” Pregnancy-related illnesses or emergencies that have become increasingly treatable, such as preeclampsia, are still overlooked for Black women. This discrepancy is influenced by systematic limitations of financial inequalities, structural racism, and varied healthcare standards. Racial disparities in pain treatment also play a large role—there is a long history of doctors not taking Black pain seriously. A 2016 medical school study revealed that many students (and practicing physicians) believe that Black people are biologically different from White people in experiencing pain.   

Institutional racism plays a large role in the higher number of pregnancy complications among Black women—and this cuts across class barriers. Olympic gold-medalist and Grad Slam tennis champion Serena Williams has been open about her near-death experience giving birth to her daughter, Olympia. After her emergency C-section, Williams experienced a pulmonary embolism, where a blood clot blocks one or more arteries in the lungs. She spent the first few weeks of new motherhood bed-ridden following multiple invasive procedures. Williams detailed her experience in a 2018 essay with CNN: “When [Black women] have complications like mine, there are often no drugs, health facilities or doctors to save them. Before they even bring a new life into this world, the cards are already stacked against them.” And in June 2017, Beyoncé gave birth to twins Rumi and Sir via an emergency C-section. According to her essay in Vogue, the then 37-year-old singer had suffered from high blood pressure, preeclampsia, and toxemia, with her babies in the NICU for weeks as she recovered from major surgery. If multimillionaires like Beyoncé or Serena Williams can face near-fatal experiences throughout labor and delivery, even with access to the best healthcare around, what can be expected for the average Black mother-to-be?

Enter Korrine Sky. To elevate the voices of expectant Black mothers, and make sure they have access to the information they need, practicing doula and new mother Sky posted her first viral Twitter thread back in May, titled, “Giving birth whilst black – how to prepare and what to look out for.” Sky went through the main concerns of expecting Black mothers and how to take agency in preparing for pregnancy, labor, and postpartum care:

1. Educate yourself– For Black women who are conditioned to “be strong,” learning about what is or isn’t normal throughout pregnancy (and after the fact) is necessary to prevent overlooking severe symptoms. Know your body.  

2. Be honest with your midwife– If you plan to go the route of a midwife, express any concerns. Your midwife is there to guide you; don’t be scared to ask questions.

3. Ask about conditions prevalent in Black women– The five most common pregnancy complications in Black women are gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, high blood pressure, preterm labor, and postpartum hemorrhage (PPH). Talk to your midwife about knowing the signs of potential health emergencies.

4. Explore many forms of prenatal care– If you seek medical advice outside of a traditional physician, explore a range of options. From midwives, doulas, mother and baby groups, or health advocates, find a team that makes your pregnancy and labor as smooth as possible.

5. Create your own birth plan– Come to your midwife prepared with your birth plan. Don’t make the mistake of waiting too long under the expectation that your midwife will curate a birth plan for you.

6. Choose a suitable birth partner– Secure your birth partner and discuss your birth plan ahead of time. To prevent issues from being overlooked while in the pain of labor, make sure your birth partner is someone that can help your advocate on your behalf.

7. Plan a homebirth ASAP– If choosing to have a home birth, make arrangements the sooner, the better. Home births are performed by a home birth team who will perform prenatal care from your home and prepare alternative provisions for a hospital birth, if necessary.

8. Don’t be afraid to speak up during labor– You are the only person in the room going through this. Having guaranteed therapeutic alliance and chemistry with your provider is crucial.

9. Talk to family & friends about postpartum care– Find people who will support you in post-delivery. Postpartum care encompasses physical and emotional elements. Always speak up if something is wrong.

10. Voice concerns post-birth– Attend any postpartum checks and address all physical, mental, and emotional trauma. Earlier is better.

11. Be kind to yourself– Be flexible with your experience. Not everything will go to plan throughout your pregnancy and after. Be open to changing your birth preferences.

12. File a formal complaint about any mistreatment– If you experience any mistreatment during/after pregnancy, file a formal complaint. This is crucial in changing reproductive healthcare for yourself and the next woman. 

Sky’s Twitter tips received over 30,000 likes and 12,000 retweets, with many users sharing their individual concerns and experiences with pregnancy. User @KatieWillxo wrote, “I’m a newly qualified midwife & it is so important women are informed about all aspects of pregnancy, birth & beyond. I endeavor to give women all the information they need, but this isn’t always the case with all healthcare practitioners.” In another tweet from @tete_high, “Learn about preeclampsia!!!! So many blacks are ignored when it comes to things like this. I didn’t know anything about it until I had a seizure and almost had a stroke and almost lost my life because of it.”

The thread concludes with a note on increasing Black healthcare workers as an initial step towards bridging the healthcare divides: “PS. We need more black doctors, nurses, and midwives #RepresentationMatters.” Improving the reproductive health system requires expanding upon representation, especially in the gynecology office. In November, an illustration of a Black fetus inside a Black womb went viral, making us question how normalized it is to see White models in medical images. Designed by Nigerian medical student Chidiebere Ibe, his collection of illustrations aims to display typical medical conditions on those with dark skin, who frequently receive misdiagnosis based on misrepresentation in general medicine textbook imagery.  

I’ve literally never seen a black foetus illustrated, ever.

This is amazing @ebereillustrate pic.twitter.com/u8aMJ41BZY

— Aliyah (@Liyahsworld_xo) December 2, 2021

Sky’s Twitter thread came after her own pregnancy journey and the deaths of countless other Black mothers, saying, “During my pregnancy, a lot of Black women who were pregnant around the same time as me died.” One example was the passing of London-based YouTube influencer Nicole Thea, who died from a severe heart attack at 8-months pregnant, and whose death was speculated to be the consequence of medical negligence. While Thea documented her pregnancy journey online, there were times where she would express difficulty breathing to the point where she “felt like she was dying.” After addressing such concerns with her midwife, Thea’s problems were dismissed as “normal,” later costing her life. 

Sky details more fourth-trimester advice in a follow-up thread from early December: “Postpartum: all the shit nobody tells you.” With over 60,000 likes, Sky lists many physical and mental complications women may experience after labor. While juggling life as a new mom and medical student, Korrine Sky hopes to help more women in the future as an OB/GYN. In the meantime, she’s using social media to spread awareness on pregnancy and postpartum care. From rough first pees to warning signs of postpartum depression, Sky shares even more about maternal education on the @birthofchoice Instagram page. Twitter proves that it can once again knock down the taboos surrounding reproductive healthcare, one viral thread at a time.

Top Photo: Mustafa Omar / Unsplash

Many of us would agree that going to the gyno is probably one of the more uncomfortable doctor’s visits we have to make. From awkward conversations about going on the pill, to rapidly stripping down to a paper gown, to cold metal contraptions going up our you-know-whats, the gynecologist’s office tends to be an intimidating space (and it honestly doesn’t seem to get any easier with age). In a now-viral tweet from this past Sunday, Indianapolis-based urogynecologist Ryan Stewart took to the Twitter-sphere to get feedback from people who need gynecological care on the “problems, frustrations, and solutions” in the gynecology office. Twitter users didn’t hold back, and with over 3,000 responses later, the collective discomfort with our OB/GYNs is pretty evident. 

I have the opportunity to design my office from scratch.

I’m asking women. How would you design/optimize a visit to the gynecologist’s office?

problems
frustrations
solutions

No detail is too small.

If I’ve ever had a tweet worthy of virality, it’s this one. ?? RT.

— Ryan Stewart (@stuboo) December 5, 2021

One concern that drew a wide range of responses: ways to achieve a more comfortable experience. There’s no denying that lying half-naked with your feet up in the air and a doctor you just shook hands with for the first time staring at your cervix isn’t the most pleasant encounter. Not to mention there’s something so cold and sterile about the doctor’s office, especially with all that metal equipment staring right back at you. One user, @BlingSing, stresses, “Comfort & WARMTH – pillows, warm blankets, warm the ultrasound gel & the lube (please use lube).” Although stripping down is part of the gig, many Twitter users expressed distaste for the paper napkin gowns. “I hate paper gowns for exams. It makes me feel so exposed. My Gyn recently changed to spa-style robes. What a difference! (@thenotoriusMDB). Beyond what patients have to wear, undressing with the fear of the door swinging wide open at any moment or haphazardly dumping your undies on the nearest chair is quite honestly a mess. The biggest joke of all is the stirrups. In a tweet from @PhabPharmaDoc, the office placed hilarious feet warmers over the mechanical feet:

My OBGYN has hilarious warmers over the stirrups, which always make me laugh. There’s another room that says “I Hate” & “This Part”. They also make me feel like the office understands how awkward and uncomfortable these appointments can be, despite their best efforts. pic.twitter.com/UidkvHjrR3

— Dr. Jay Phab, PharmD, BCPS (@PhabPharmaDoc) December 5, 2021

Discussions around comfort quickly lead to that of pain management. We may have friends who have gotten an IUD and equate the pain to a minor period cramp, while others complain they almost passed out on the table. While individual pain tolerance differs from person to person (although I don’t know how getting an IUD is a walk in the park), doctors seem to downplay the pain of IUD insertion as “uncomfortable,” and popping a couple of ibuprofen beforehand is practically pointless. Twitter user @theemptypockets expressed what we’re all thinking: “IUD Insertion needs anesthesia.” Many patients elicit similar sentiments for Stewart about doctors encouraging pain relief or management before procedures. “Offer painkillers. Don’t make people ask/have to know to ask,” says Hairy Seldon (@eschatomaton). And whether it be biopsies, pap smears, IUD insertions, patients want a no-bullshit play-by-play for what they’re going to be in for. 

It’s crucial to recognize that experiences at the gyno are not universal. When it comes to approaching triggering, heavy topics like infertility, parenthood, or sexual assault, patients want doctors that care about their individual situations. Twitter user @Anneredmond13 said, “Rather than asking a direct question such as “Have you ever been assaulted?’, a physician should try, “Have you ever had any unwanted sexual experiences?” Ask: What can I do to make your visit and exam easier?” While many patients indicated a preference for having a female doctor, many users revealed that they had been put on the spot at appointments with observing male interns or last-minute changes to practitioners. “Please consider: not asking the patient if an intern can be in the room in the presence of the intern- it’s hard to say no in front of them; not changing practitioner between the time of appt. and the actual appt. expecting the patient to be comfortable with someone else.” (@KCooperGrifin). Out of the fear of being labeled “difficult,” many patients just go along with these uncomfortable scenarios, but prioritizing patient preferences is a necessary improvement.

Equal representation and staff training are essential elements of proper physician care. Gynecology has a dark history of experimentations on enslaved Black women—as was done by Dr. James Marion Sims, “the father of modern gynecology.” Sims performed surgical techniques on these women without anesthesia, reinforcing long-standing racial stereotypes that Black patients have higher pain tolerances than White patients. Black representation in physician’s offices and medical illustrations are discussed in the Twitter thread as well: “Please have images of Black women in the office. I haven’t visited a gynecologist office yet with this type of representation” (@KimEMPA2019). Gynecological care is also not just limited to “women’s health,” as not every person with a uterus identifies as a woman. This understanding transcends patient care and encompasses office staff. One Twitter user, @HannahntheWolf, posts, “Have marginalized folks on your staff and support them. Let us see people like us in your office.” 

While Twitter can trend some pretty ridiculous content, it can also spark some pretty remarkable offline change. Patients want to enter the gynecology office feeling respected, included, and heard when it comes to their health concerns. Dr. Stewart has revealed plans to incorporate the responses from his Twitter thread into an employee handbook for his new OB/GYN office. Fingers crossed that we can retire those paper gowns once and for all!

Top Photo: Julio César Velásquez Mejía / Pixbay

Researchers have found that the “once in a lifetime” physical and psychological impact of the pandemic has had an effect on many women’s menstrual cycles and sex drives. Earlier this year, some women feared that COVID-19 vaccinations may be affecting their menstrual cycles due to heavier and belated periods. However, research proved this theory to be wrong.

Nevertheless, the majority of women’s cycles have been altered during the pandemic, although not due to the vaccine. Researchers from Trinity College Dublin, say that there’s been a “significant increase” in women experiencing heavier, painful, and delayed periods since the pandemic began.”  In fact, compared to the pre-pandemic period, 46% of the women surveyed reported changes in their menstrual cycle, with 53% of them reporting worsening PMS symptoms, and 9% reporting missing periods. Moreover, 54% of women claimed a reduction in their libido.

The study found that, since the start of the pandemic, there has been an increase in women experiencing depression, poor appetite, binge eating, anxiety, and poor sleep, and the researchers theorize that this has had an impact on women’s periods. Sleep deprivation in particular seems to have caused an overall change to many women’s monthly cycles, and caused a reduction in participants’ sex drives. Higher levels of anxiety were also linked to a greater chance of having painful periods and the worsening of PMS symptoms, as well as a reduced sex drive.

The study was conducted among UK women using an “anonymous digital survey” to ask questions regarding their menstrual cycles, mood, anxiety levels, eating habits and sleep patterns since the pandemic. The survey was “shared by the authors via social media in September 2020. All women of reproductive age were invited to complete the survey,” and 1031 women responded. The researchers limited this study to women only.

“Our findings highlight a real need to provide appropriate medical care and mental health support to women affected by menstrual disturbance, given the unprecedented psychological burden associated with the pandemic,” study author Dr Michelle Maher told Metro UK. “We would encourage women experiencing any reproductive disturbances – such as irregular, missed periods, painful or heavy periods, PMS or reduced sex drive – as well as mental health disturbances, including symptoms of low mood, anxiety, stress and poor sleep, to see their GP for advice,” she continues. 

Thus, while the mental strain of the pandemic may be having an effect on your menstrual cycle and sex drive, there is nothing to worry about. The main concern here is to make sure that you’re looking after your mental health and know who to contact if your low mood or anxiety becomes unbearable.

Top photo courtesy of Sidney Sims on Unsplash

“Sexual fluidity” can mean a lot of things, but even if your orientation is carved in stone, you might experience some changes in libido over the course of your lifespan. As you begin to see your 40s on the horizon, it’s possible that your experience of desire will begin to change, and if it does, a number of things might play into that. Let’s consider some of them, shall we?

First, let’s just acknowledge that we have lived through an era that could try any libido. Or maybe supercharge it, depending on how you deal with stress or respond to quarantine, or what your relationships (and sex life) have looked like over the past year or two. So, there’s that.

But when you’re in your 30s, there are common life cycle things that can affect desire, too. It’s not rare for people to couple up, which might include pregnancy (or an IVF journey), kids, or even just a relationship that gets into a rhythm (not gonna say rut, but if you’re in one, you’ve probably noticed). Career can be a huge focus, too, and many folks working at a desk neglect exercise—though they really shouldn’t, because a sedentary lifestyle isn’t great for the libido. Different factors might be in play depending on the situations I just noted: pregnancy hormones, stress, pelvic blood flow, all the relational elements Esther Perel writes about in her book Mating in Captivity. (Communication, exploration, making sure you and your partner have built enough space into your lives together. Any country fans out there? I always liked, “How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away?”)

All that assumes downturns in libido, but of course, science has been telling us for decades that “women’s sexual peak is in their 30s”—and many of us really have noticed that this can be a pretty frisky decade. As a cultural sexologist, I see lots of social and psychological elements in play here. Basically, it can take some of us this long to get over our half-assed sex education and patriarchal suppression and come into our own, sexually speaking.

If you were born with ovaries, though, there’s another important factor that’s coming into your life, if it hasn’t already: perimenopause. This means “around menopause,” and typically describes the time leading up to the cessation of menstrual periods—usually, around your early 50s. Perimenopause involves hormone shifts and bodily changes, but there isn’t one path or experience that all people traversing perimenopause share. Sometimes, people experience it early, even before 40. (So-called “surgical menopause” can happen even younger, as when a person has a complete hysterectomy or other procedure that impacts ovaries and hormones.)

Perimenopause brings with it many potential effects, not all of them sexual. But changes in libido are pretty common. I taught a recent menopause class that required some updated research, and something jumped out at me. Sleep disturbance is no friend to the libido! It creeps up on many folks at this stage in life and may be worsened by another common side effect: hot flashes. You and your sexuality need those 40 winks, and whether it’s hot flashes waking you up, a kid crying, or sugar disruption from late dessert or stress-drinking, prioritizing “sleep hygiene” is a big deal and can pay dividends for your stress level, mental state, overall health, and sex life.

So yeah, perimenopause. Are you there yet? Whether or not you’ve already arrived at that fork in the road (or already made the turn), it’s good to know there’s a reason for some of the changes associated with The Change. You can read all about it in the fabulous Heather Corinna’s new book, What Fresh Hell Is This?: Perimenopause, Menopause, Other Indignities, And You. This is not your mother’s perimenopause book—partly because our mothers’ generations (and their doctors) barely talked about this stuff.

If your libido has hit a bump in the road, take stock. Is it associated with any changes in your life? There are often clues that can send us to the doc (“Did you forget to mention sexual side effects with this birth control or anti-depressant, by any chance?”), a psychiatrist or couple’s therapist, a sex toy store, an AA meeting, or who-knows-where, because we all need different things. Don’t forget to masturbate. If nothing else, it helps keep your blood flowing and informs you of bodily changes. And don’t be afraid to fantasize! Get yourself some good lubricant, sleep naked, hire a babysitter every once in a while. And, most importantly, ask yourself what you need to give your sexual desire room to enhance your experience. Midlife sends us tons of messages—the first thing we need to do is pay attention to them.

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

Carol Illustration: Marcellus Hall

This article originally appeared in the Fall 2021 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today! 

“Happy ending” massages that include being stimulated to orgasm are not usually associated with female clientele. But there are indeed women seeking out this type of service from male masseurs, and their rules of engagement might surprise you.

It was 2003, and Vance Black, a masseur in his early 20s, was working on a 40-something client’s hip while she lay face down on the table. It was his first day on the job at a posh resort in Palm Beach, Florida, and he was anxious, having only recently graduated from massage school. Then it happened. The 5’10”, blond-haired, blue-eyed model grabbed his hand and placed it on the side of her breast. “I was beyond shocked,” he says. “I really thought I was being punked. I was waiting for someone to pop up in the massage room, like, ‘Surprise! I got you!’” 

Black hadn’t expected his job to involve sex, nor did he expect the resort where he worked to have customers seeking it. The spa attracted wealthy clients from around the world, some of them famous, including the model. “In massage school they always said, ‘Be careful with the men, they’re going to come on to you,’” Black recalls, “so I assumed women just would never do such a thing.”

He contemplated massaging his client’s breasts. “I was extremely turned on, but I was just very nervous and unwilling to go there at that time,” Black says. She gave him a big tip on top of the $150 massage fee, and a CD with a super sexy song on it. 

Black was unsure if the model’s behavior was unusual, until two weeks later, when he was massaging another client’s thigh in an outdoor tent, and she began moaning and grinding her hips into the table. “She just got super wet, like, [it] spilled out,” Black says. This time, he gave in. “I, um, couldn’t help myself. I slipped a finger across the front of her pussy and licked it off of my finger, and she just got the biggest smile on her face and sat up and started making out with me.” 

Black threw off his sweatpants and tank top, and they started having sex in the diaphanous tent. 

This may not have been what massage school had taught him, but it was a lot more fun than kneading a lower hamstring. So, he put an ad on Craigslist offering massage with a picture of himself: buff and beautiful. 

Black isn’t an anomaly. He’s one of many male masseurs giving happy endings to women, plying their trade across the world, from the U.S. to Australia. Based on anecdotal evidence, most range in age from their early 20s to early 60s, and they offer a variety of services from hand jobs to penetrative intercourse. While some masseurs, like Black, work out of ritzy spas, others get women off in tiny rooms in seedy strip malls; in massage parlors in Atlanta office buildings; or in British studios. Some men who offer happy endings are licensed massage therapists while others claim to be “sexological bodyworkers” or just admit to having no credentials. A few Atlanta-based masseurs told me their business had increased remarkably during the pandemic—one said it “tripled”—despite the fact that sex work remains illegal in the United States (aside from in 10 counties in Nevada). 

Some women want casual sex and feel safer with a negotiated service. Others want a sexpert who might better understand their needs.

“Massage is socially encouraged as a safe way for women to receive skin contact,” says Dr. Hilary Caldwell, an Australian sexual health researcher who studies how women buy sex. “It makes perfect sense that the benefits of sexual relief and skin contact would be combined in erotic massage services, and that these businesses would increase during times of stress.”

So why would a woman pay for sex? Despite the stereotype that ladies can get laid whenever they want, the truth is more complicated. “Women buy sex because they want sex that they can control,” explains Caldwell. “Some women want casual sex and feel safer with a negotiated service. Others want a sexpert who might better understand their needs. Sex workers are unlikely to reject, belittle, or harass their clients, and many women who previously tried online dating prefer the convenience and consistency that commercial sex offers.”

Tanya, a white, 34-year-old mom, is one of the many women across the U.S. risking arrest for a happy ending. 

In December of last year, Tanya entered a strip-mall massage parlor in a ritzy Houston suburb—the same parlor she’d been going to for 11 years for traditional massage services, sometimes with her ex-husband. As she stood at the counter, the receptionist assigned her a male massage therapist. A 30-something woman waiting behind her piped up and said, “Oh, you’re getting him! He’s wonderful!” Tanya didn’t think much of it. 

Her masseur emerged from the back of the parlor. He was Asian, in his late 30s, with a fade haircut, wearing the newest Nike Airs. He took her past 10 massage chairs to one of the four rooms partitioned with thin wood that didn’t even reach to the ceiling. 

Tanya removed her clothes and laid on the table. For about 30 minutes, the massage seemed normal: shoulders, back, arms, all vigorously rubbed. Then the masseur made his way down to her butt. He began kneading with his thumbs. “Alright, I like this,” she thought. He moved closer and closer to her vagina. She tensed up. “Did that guy try to give me a happy ending?” she wondered. After the massage was over, she sat in her car and called her boyfriend. 

“I think something weird happened,” she said, then described the vigorous butt rub. “Do you think that he was trying to do more?”

“No—but are you OK?” he asked. He was worried, because when Tanya was 23, she had been sexually assaulted, and he thought the experience might have retraumatized her. 

“I’m fine,” she said.

In fact, she was more than fine. She started to get really turned on by the idea of going back. She’d fantasized about getting a happy ending for years. She’d searched for massage porn online (one of the most popular porn categories for women). But she didn’t think that women got happy endings in real life. She went on Reddit and found that other women were searching for them, too, all unsuccessfully. Then she looked on Rubmaps, a website where male customers review happy ending massage parlors. “What am I doing? I have a boyfriend, I can get off for free,” she thought. “But [my boyfriend] was encouraging it, saying, ‘I want you to do whatever makes you happy.’”

She’d fantasized about getting a happy ending for years.

A few weeks later, she went back to the same parlor, hoping to get the same masseur, but she got a woman. Then in January 2021, she went again, and asked for a male therapist. This time, she got a different guy who gave her a standard massage. In February, her quest for the same masseur continued. And it was then that she saw him, wearing the same cool Nikes. “I was really nervous because I didn’t know if I was making this up in my head,” says Tanya. “I was just full of tons of crazy emotions, not knowing how to proceed.”

She’d learned from Reddit that when men are at a parlor, they don’t really have to ask for a happy ending. The masseuse would ask them, make a gesture toward their penis, or sometimes, “the men would have an erection and that was the indicator for the masseuse to offer it,” says Tanya. “It seemed so simple. But as a female, I was like, ‘How do I indicate? And do I even want that?’ And then part of me worried, ‘What if I get one and then I get arrested?’” 

She went into the massage room, took off her clothes, and tried to relax. The masseur put on the same CD as before: a muzak version of Radiohead’s greatest hits, played on xylophone. As the instrumental version of “Creep” played, the massage began like the other one had before. But this time, when he got to her butt and inner thighs, she didn’t clench. He started rubbing her butt vigorously with his thumbs. “And then he just started rubbing closer and closer [to my vagina],” Tanya recalls. “I was like, ‘I wonder if he’s gonna do it?’”

Unsure of how to indicate her desire, she began moaning, spread her legs wider, and raised her ass a bit in the air. “And next thing you know, he was like, full on fingering me while I was laying on my stomach,” she says. “[I had] a complete, like, full-body orgasm. It was crazy. I came pretty fast. He finished the massage and then he washed me off and cleaned me up. ” Tanya says she liked that “she didn’t have to acknowledge” what had happened. Both of them had been silent. Consent was via body language.

“I had not been able to actually come to orgasm from that type of fingering [since the assault] happened. And now, I feel like I regained that ability to come from fingering,” says Tanya. “I felt really relieved and fulfilled.” 

She paid $45 for the massage and $25 for the tip. “But then when I walked out, I was like, ‘Should I have tipped $50? Because it was a happy ending?’” says Tanya. “I don’t know what you’re supposed to do because I’m a woman. Part of me felt like I was doing him a favor in a weird way. But then I told myself, ‘No, this guy performed a service for you.’” 

Tanya walked to her car. She was the last client of the day. As she was sitting in her car, her masseur came out of the parlor. He looked at her for “half a second,” then “darted his eyes downward,” and continued walking to his car. 

She didn’t tell her boyfriend about the happy ending “because I just kind of wanted it to be for me,” she says. “All I wanted was to go back and get another one. I was like, ‘I’m gonna do this every day.’ But I haven’t.” 

What made it so erotic for her, she says, is that “it was somebody just making sure I got off. And that was all they wanted. They didn’t have any other expectations. And then I didn’t have to talk to them after.” Whereas, when she hooks up with her boyfriend she has to worry about his feelings, and the experience always ends in full penetration. In the massage parlor, “there was no penis causing any discomfort, and I didn’t have to deal with condoms or birth control.” 

Yet, Tanya isn’t completely sanguine about the experience. She says she “kind of feels dirty about it…because, as a woman, I’m not supposed to pay for sex. As a mother, I shouldn’t be wanting this. I wish I didn’t feel that way.” 

Over 2,400 miles from Tanya, near Victoria, Canada, Ron Stewart, a 50-something former modern dancer with ginger hair and a lithe, muscled body, offers massage with orgasm as part of his “sexological bodywork.” His website says his practice is “designed to invite people into gentle, relaxed body states, which then help them arrive at new levels of feeling, sensing, and arousal…[while helping clients] process any grief, shame, guilt, or other unwanted aspects of sexuality.”

Stewart is one of 116 licensed sexological bodyworkers worldwide. Their work straddles the lines between sex work, therapy, and massage. Dr. Caldwell says the sex-as-therapy trope helps “reduce stigma” for women because women are less likely to openly state they want sex. “A woman who told me she bought sex for therapy might tell her best friend that she bought sex because she was curious or horny,” says Caldwell, “and both of these motivations might be true.” 

According to the Association of Certified Sexological Body Workers, this therapeutic method involves, “active receiving, anal touch, internal and external genital mapping, breathwork, scar tissue remediation, and orgasmic yoga coaching.” And yes, much of it involves bringing clients to orgasm. Stewart says that one of the keys to sexological bodywork is one-way touch: the therapist touches you and you don’t reciprocate. 

Stewart is married to a man, something that his client Cookie tells me is appealing to her. “It just makes it feel so much safer for me,” she says. 

After having a free, 30-minute Zoom call in which Stewart led her in breathwork and explained that his bodywork “can bring up a lot of hormonal responses that can confuse us into feelings,” but that there would be no romance, Cookie booked a three-day retreat. A month later, she was on a two-hour ferry ride to Victoria to meet Stewart. 

Once she arrived, Cookie became a bit nervous, but Stewart brewed her a cup of tea, they chatted, and she began to relax. Then they moved to the floor, and Stewart began stretching and rolling like a cat and instructed Cookie to do the same. “Even that was hard, honestly,” she says, “just wiggling around on the floor with a stranger I had just met.”

Stewart told Cookie to stand in the center of the room and command him to move. “Sit down. Stand up. Face me,” she intoned. After each command, Stewart told Cookie to check in with her body. “Part of me didn’t feel like I could say ‘no,’” Cookie explains, “[so] he really wanted to instill in me a sense of being in control.” 

After that exercise, Stewart led Cookie to the massage room and told her to take off as much of her clothing as she wanted. Then he told her to command him to touch her where she wanted to be touched. “I was such a scaredy cat,” she recalls. She was afraid to instruct him to do anything sexual. 

It’s not unusual for the first day not to have any sexual touching, but the next day didn’t exactly start off with an erotic charge, either. “I want you to imagine you’re a T. Rex. And you’ve got this big old booty with a big ‘ol tail on it. And I want you swinging that tail all over this room, knocking books off the shelf,” Stewart instructed. He demonstrated, and Cookie joined in. This time, she felt less inhibited from the beginning. “We were just a couple of dinosaurs swinging our tails around,” she says. 

After the dinosaur role play, he explained the massage that he’d be giving her that afternoon. “My goal is to try to use this vibrator on you for 45 minutes to an hour,” Stewart said.

“Like, on my genitals for an hour? I don’t know how that’s gonna go,” Cookie responded incredulously, glancing at the Hitachi Magic Wand. But her goal that day was to have an orgasm, so she was game. 

Stewart told her that he was going to take her close to peak arousal, then bring her down, and bring her up again, until she finally climaxed (a technique also referred to as “edging”). Cookie laid on the table as he worked the Hitachi all over her body. After about 45 minutes, with his gloved fingers inside of her, she came. 

“I just bawled my eyes out, like I had never cried before,” she says, recalling that he held her as she cried for 10 minutes. “I realized that the work that we were doing was actually much, much deeper [than sex]. This was attachment work, like having-an-emotionally-neglectful-father stuff.”

Though our patriarchal culture likes to pretend that women don’t buy sex and men don’t sell it to them, it wasn’t difficult to find sources for this story once I figured out where to look.

In Atlanta, there are a number of masseurs who sell their happy ending services online via sites like Instagram and the odd jobs site Thumbtack. Allie Raine, a bisexual, 40-something sex worker, tells me she has procured the services of three such gentlemen in the Atlanta area, whom she keeps in rotation and does not hide from her long-term girlfriend. 

I met one of Raine’s masseurs, Simon, at a coffee shop. A former breakdancer with an engineering degree, Simon made his way into massage after getting laid off in 2008. “I’d tried massage parlors before, and I thought, ‘Why can’t women do what men do and take ownership?’” he tells me. “The next thing I did was print up business cards.”

Simon’s clients include single women and lesbian couples. He’s married, but his wife is unaware of his side job as a happy-ending masseur. (He also works full-time as a contractor.) He’s able to keep his job a secret because he usually schedules appointments with women during the day. Simon sees between 3 and 10 clients a month. They include Black, white, and Latinx women, and they range in age from 25 to 45. 

Most of his clients find him through word of mouth (it’s safer that way, he says, because it’s less likely that they’re police), but he also hands out those business cards and he markets himself on the sex-work-friendly social media platform Switter, where he often connects with other sex workers who want to hire him for themselves. His services include everything from non-sexual massages to hand jobs to anal sex, for which he charges around $175 a session. Based on anecdotal research, this rate is a little bit pricier than what men pay for a happy ending—the average price is around $100—but male happy-ending providers find they can charge more because there are fewer men out there doing it. And during the pandemic especially, Simon says, business was booming.

“You’ve been objectified your whole life, so it’s like taking a little bit of your power back.”

Raine has a massage table in her condo, so Simon comes to her. They smoke weed, he takes a shower, and then he gives Raine a lap dance. Recently, she says, Simon fed her strawberries and grapes before playfully ordering her to “Stand up and put your hands on the wall.” He ran his hands up and down her body, and Raine says with another guy, she might have felt fear, but Simon’s different. “I feel so safe with him,” she says.

Then she laid on the table, he massaged her back and butt, then had her flip over so he could massage her nipples. The massage continued for about 45 minutes, until he made her come with his hands. Raine says part of the allure of hiring a man for sex is, “They shut the fuck up. You don’t have to listen to any of their bullshit.” 

Ultimately, Raine says she considers receiving a happy-ending massage to be a feminist act. “You don’t have to please anyone,” she says. “You get to lay there, and [masseurs] are there to serve and honor you. Women don’t get that experience very much in their lives. There’s something really invigorating in paying a man to please you. I think more women should do that. It’s a great self-confidence booster. You’ve been objectified your whole life, so it’s like taking a little bit of your power back. How many women have had a sexual experience where nothing was taken from them, except for money?” 

Story by Hallie Lieberman

Illustration by Lan Truong

This article originally appeared in the Fall 2021 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

ALL VULVAS ARE unique, but in media—whether it’s porn or even a biology textbook—we’re often shown one image of the “perfect” vulva, which many also believe to be “normal.” As a result, a surprising number of people are undergoing a cosmetic surgical procedure called labiaplasty to reshape or reduce the size of their labia minora for aesthetic purposes. There has been a steady increase in demand for labiaplasty over the past decade—in 2019 alone, more than 150,000 people worldwide underwent the procedure.

Queer, nonbinary illustrator Hilde Atalanta was shocked when they first learned about this issue while studying clinical psychology in 2015. They then began to look up diverse images of vulvas online, but they couldn’t find realistic pictures—only those related to questions about how to “fix” vulvas. “I soon realized there wasn’t much imagery online that shows the diversity of vulvas,” the Amsterdam-based artist says. To provide a more accurate visual representation of vulvas for people to see and learn from, Atalanta created The Vulva Gallery (@the.vulva.gallery), an educational platform and online gallery that vividly highlights the diversity of vulvas through illustrated portraits and personal stories.

Since 2016, Atalanta has painted over 2,000 vulva portraits in all shapes, sizes, and colors to ignite important conversations around body positivity and send a clear message: all vulvas are beautiful. And in 2019, they self-published A Celebration of Vulva Diversity—a book with more than 650 colorful portraits of vulvas, personal stories, cool facts, and anatomical images—that can be used in schools and medical practices to improve sexual health education. The book can also be used by parents to start a conversation around a topic that is still considered taboo. “It’s very important to talk with kids about body diversity [and] about how we can all look different,” Atalanta says. “I hope we continue normalizing conversations about this topic.”

Ultimately, Atalanta hopes people feel represented and celebrated in their art. “Over the past five years, I’ve received several emails from people who canceled their [labiaplasty] surgeries who said, ‘Oh my God, I’m normal. I didn’t realize that,’” says Atalanta. “Their stories are very powerful and sometimes very painful to read—stories about pleasure but also about #MeToo. Learning more about these experiences from around the world has made me very aware of the lack of sexual health education that is inclusive and diverse. And it motivated me to continue with this project, to expand it, and to really fight for equal learning opportunities. I’m honored to be part of this project and to create and share those stories.”

This article originally appeared in the Fall 2021 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

Sexual violence comes in various forms, and for many across the globe, knowledge of what does and does not count as sexual consent remains unclear. Before watching Michaela Coel’s TV series, I May Destroy You, I hadn’t known that non-consensual removal of condoms is classed as sexual assault. 

In a sensual scene, Arabella (Coel) has sex with fellow writer Zain (Karan Gill) who secretly removes his condom after coercing her into engaging in the infamous doggy position. Moments before having sexual intercourse, Arabella ensures that Zain has a condom, with the idea of a reduced risk of pregnancy and S.T.I’s. However, it isn’t until after Zain ejaculated that Arabella finds out about Zain’s removal of the condom when she asks what he did with it. Zain’s excuse is that “it [the condom] got uncomfortable,” and Arabella is forced to get the morning-after pill. In the next episode, the investigators of Arabella’s previous report of rape tell her that the secret removal of a condom is classed as rape. “The problem is when people don’t know what isn’t a crime, and what is a crime, they don’t report it. And then people get away with it,” they tell her. In this episode, Coel reveals to her many viewers that the secret removal of a condom is classed as rape in the U.K., which is news to many viewers.

The act, which has been dubbed as “stealthing,” is already being prosecuted as sexual assault in several countries including the U.K., Germany, and Switzerland. Last week, legislature in California unanimously passed a bill making it illegal to partake in non-consensual condom removal. Should Governor Gavin Newsom sign the bill into law by October 10th, California will become the first U.S state to make stealthing an illegal violation of consent. 

Congresswoman Cristina Garcia, introduced the bill which would allow victims to sue the perpetrators for damages. She had also previously created the bill four years ago, proposing to make stealthing a criminal violation. 

Although the bill will make the removal of a condom without verbal consent illegal, it doesn’t change criminal codes, only civil codes. 

Garcia’s interest in addressing nonconsensual condom removal stems from a 2017 article by attorney Alexandra Brodksy, who was a third-year law student at Yale at the time. The paper, “‘Rape-Adjacent’: Imagining Legal Responses to Nonconsensual Condom Removal,” combines first-person interviews with legal analysis to bring to light the similarities between stealthing and other forms of sexual assault.

In an Interview with The New Yorker, Brodsky explains how she came up with the idea of anti-stealthing for her paper, saying, “I met a lot of survivors, and I was exposed to stories about a lot of different kinds of sexual harm. Sexual violence takes many forms—very little of it looks like the cliché of rapists jumping out of the bushes—and, especially among young people, sexual violence often happens in the context of otherwise consensual sex.” 

Some readers may be wondering how this act can be placed as akin to crimes as awful as rape. Speaking to The New Yorker, Brodsky explains the impact stealthing has on survivors saying, “The survivors of this harm talked to me about a range of feelings: how it made them feel powerless, how it made them feel as though their partners just had no concern at all for their autonomy. It was also interesting to me that a lot of the people I talked to were deeply hurt by the experience but didn’t know if they were right to feel that way. They didn’t know if what they felt as bad was really bad. In my experience, part of the value of naming these things is to affirm for survivors that they have the right not to be treated this way.”

Lawyer, Carly Mee at the Fierberg National Law Group on behalf of victims of sexual violence, explains the traumatic impact stealthing has on victims, “This is an act that violates someone’s independence. There is a risk of pregnancy and a risk of sexually transmitted infections, but in essence it is changing the overall nature of sexual encounters.” Mee goes on to say that under the California bill, stealthing is actually a breach and that victims can pursue damages from the perpetrator. 

A professor of psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York City, Elizabeth Jegcric, explains that stealthing can cause post-traumatic stress similar to that experienced by rape victims. She says that, “Many women explain it to the feeling of having experienced rape. It violates the trust you had in your partner.” 

The laws of sexual consent may appear complex as sexual violence comes in various forms. Thus, it is fantastic that people like Coel, Brodsky, and Garcia are beginning to expose the violent extents of stealthing to those who still remain unaware of the many forms of consent. We can only hope that more US states will follow in California’s stead and criminalize stealthing.

Photo courtesy of Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

Earlier this year, BUST investigated claims that the COVID-19 vaccine may be having an impact on people’s menstrual cycles. Today, more research has been carried out regarding COVID vaccines and menstruation. On August 30th, the NIH announced that it has awarded $1.67 billion worth of one-year supplemental grants to conduct these studies on the correlation between vaccines and menstruation. We have taken a look at how this research has been updated and encourage you to still get vaccinated.

In recent weeks, some people across the US who menstruate have taken to Twitter to report changes in their periods since having the COVID-19vaccination. Such tweets include one by Dr. Kathryn Clancy, who claimed to have gotten her period “a day or two early”, and another who states that they are “terrified” that they too are experiencing problems.

I’m in shock. #Twitter has shadowbanned period problems relating to the Covid vaccine. I’m having them and I’m so worried, but searching just eliminates the word ‘period’ or ‘menstruation’. This is terrifying.

— Devils Advocate Incarnate (@desktopduracell) September 12, 2021

Such problems include people experiencing irregular or missing menstrual periods, heavier bleeding, and other menstrual changes. However, research shows that this is just a short-term issue and that fertility will not be affected. Thus everyone, including those who menstruate, should still get vaccinated. It has been noted in research that these symptoms should only last for one or two months (during your period) and won’t leave any long-lasting problems. The NIH said that there are various reasons why your menstrual cycles may change, as it is “regulated by complex interactions between the body’s tissues, cells and hormones.” The NIH explained that COVID-19 vaccine immune responses may affect how immune cells and signals in the uterus work together, which would lead to temporary menstrual cycle changes.  Changes in menstruation may also be down to infection with SARS-CoV-2, lifestyle changes resulting from the pandemic, and pandemic-related stress. Prior to the pandemic, stress has always had an effect on period regularity. Thus, there is no surprise that the stress of the pandemic and new vaccinations may cause changes to the menstrual cycle.

Writing in the BMJ, Dr Victoria Male, from Imperial College London, says that there is no evidence to show that the vaccines will affect pregnancy or fertility and that anyone who is pregnant should still get vaccinated.  

While Dr. Male acknowledges that no one should be worried about the vaccines affecting their menstruation, she believes that notifying patients about the potential menstruation symptoms is the way forward so that should anyone experience a change in their periods, they know not to worry. Nonetheless, if the situation you are experiencing is dire and out of the ordinary then contact a doctor immediately as your symptoms may be non-related to the vaccine, and instead a symptom of another blood-related condition.

National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) Director Diana W. Bianchi speaks similarly, saying “These rigorous scientific studies will improve our understanding of the potential effects of COVID-19 vaccines on menstruation, giving people who menstruate more information about what to expect after vaccination and potentially reducing vaccine hesitancy.”

Therefore, you need not worry about the vaccine creating an impact on your menstrual cycle and can ignore any myths you may read on social media.

I was raped in my first year at university. I was a virgin, so my attitude towards men and relationships changed to one where sex is only enjoyable for men. At an age where I’d previously felt ready to have sex, I was now terrified of the prospect. For nearly 2 years, I remained untouched; I’d freak out and cry during near-sexual experiences, or when a guy held my body in a certain way or got aroused when we were on a date. I began to think that there was something wrong with me because I’d never feel turned on, even when men offered to please me sexually. But most of all, I felt detached from my body; as though when the perpetrator took my virginity, he took my body with him too. It felt as if suddenly, my body was no longer mine to control, but rather a slab of meat that was used to be groped and gawked at, controlled by society.

That is, until I discovered the pleasures of masturbation, and the orgasms that come with it. The thought of women masturbating has always been a taboo subject. Growing up, I thought that only men masturbated, and I had been conditioned into believing that women don’t. Fathers are often told to give the “masturbation talk” to their sons, yet I don’t recall ever having this talk with my mother. However, women are beginning to talk more openly about engaging in solo sex, and this is how my own journey began.

!!! women masturbating is normal and not dirty https://t.co/aOJ3civzUR

— elinor (@ewxlker) September 10, 2021

Psychologist Lauren Moulds explains that “A disconnect from ourselves and intimacy is a common occurrence after sexual trauma.” Typically, after sexual trauma, our bodies hold onto the “memory” of that moment, which can affect our future sexual encounters. This explains why many sexual assault survivors struggle with having sex again after experiencing trauma. “Masturbation allows survivors to relearn how to experience sexual pleasure on their own terms. It gives them power,” says Staci Haines, author of Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma.

Masturbating helped me retune with my body, heal from my sexual trauma, and learn that sex can be pleasurable, so that now I can have a healthy and passionate sex life with my partner, where I feel in control of my body. It has also helped me to see my body as my own, and not a possession of the ever-lingering gaze. There’s something about the way my fingers control the timing of reaching climax, and not having to rely on someone else, that helped me reconcile with my seemingly estranged body.

My masturbation process isn’t very romantic. Usually, I spend some time picking a steamy porno (typically a seduction) and explore my body, watching the passion erupt on-screen. While my goal isn’t only to orgasm, I understand that it’s absolutely fine if I do and if I don’t—I am still in control of my body either way.

My method of masturbation, however, isn’t for everyone. All survivors of sexual trauma heal in various ways, and for many, mindful masturbation has become immensely popular. “Mindful masturbation is about cultivating an active awareness of your body and immersing yourself in the immediate experience of masturbation,” says Nazanin Moali. It’s like mindfulness meditation, whereby you purely focus on the body and its senses through touching your body along to a sexy guide’s voice, such as is available on the audio erotica app, Dipsea.

Using this app, Jess Joho found mindful masturbation a helpful tool for healing from her sexual trauma and developing a communicative sex-life with her partner, minus her previous flashbacks to her sexual assault. She writes, “The #MeToo movement let us finally give voice to our trauma, name our wounds, say no to the kind of sex we don’t want. But embodying enthusiastic consent takes another kind of radical, more internal reckoning. It takes giving ourselves permission to voice our desires, name our pleasures, say yes to wanting more.”

Of course, I had to try the app too. While I enjoyed the process of the guided masturbation, it wasn’t quite for me. But I totally get why many find it useful, and why numerous sex therapists recommend mindful masturbation as a method for healing from sexual trauma.

After having a lot of time during the pandemic to test out my sexual pleasures, I finally felt in control of my body again and was ready to date and start my sexual journey openly post- lockdown. Now I know what I enjoy and what makes me feel comfortable. For me, it’s all about feeling in control of my body and knowing that I have the power of consent at all times. I’ve communicated this to my partner, and he’s carefully listened.

What I’ve learned from this process is that everyone heals from sexual trauma in their own way and time, and that there is no rush to have sex after trauma, nor must you shy away from it if you feel comfortable and safe. However, it is important to know that if you have experienced any sexual abuse, assault, or harassment, you’re not alone, and you will heal.

Shan Boodram is not shy when it comes to sex. A certified sex educator, dating coach, relationship expert, and best-selling author, Boodram believes that knowing what you want out of dating, love, and sex, is a powerful part of self-discovery. Known as “Shan Boody” to her over 600k dedicated Youtube followers, the sexpert, wife, and new mommy is known for having open and honest dialogue about intimacy in today’s day and age. Now Boodram is making her mark in the dating show space as the resident sex and dating expert in Andy Cohen’s new dating game-show/reality television program, EX-RATED, where she and the tv producer re-unite former flames to talk about what went wrong — all in the name of personal growth. 

BUST: Tell us about your new show, EX-RATED? 

Shan Boodram: Yes. So the premise of the show is somebody says, “I’m single, and I keep bumping up against a brick wall and I can’t really figure out what it is I’m doing wrong, but I know that I’m not having the romantic life that I want.” About five to ten of their exes get issued out a survey that’s 21 questions in length, that has to do with both in and out of the bedroom. So things like communication, ability to be vulnerable, creativity in the bedroom, and knowledge of the other person’s anatomy. So all of those are on the survey, and then in essence they get an immediate score on each of these categories.

B: You’re the resident sexpert, yes? Tell us a little bit about your role exactly?  

S: Andy walks the people who come on the show—the singles, through the survey results that they got. So Andy asks them “Hey on foreplay: how good do you think you are?” They give themselves a rating, and then Andy reveals what their rating was from their exes. Then he asks questions, interviews them, and once they really identify what area is their weakest and most needed improvement, that’s when I come in to do in-person exercises with them, or it’s just have a conversation sometimes. The goal of the show is not to embarrass people and make them feel like oh my gosh you’re actually much more terrible in bed than you thought, it’s to say, this is a pivotal point where you can actually now start to educate yourself. Lots of us never benefited from having any sex education at all. So, this show is really trying to highlight that to say, it is not uncommon for a lot of us to think that we’re much better than we actually are. But when we acknowledge our weak areas, that’s actually when positive change can start. 

B: Is it a counseling session? Are you playing games with them? 

S: Here’s an example:  Somebody came on the show and they had a really low score in creativity; they did the same position all of the time. I came in and I had a sex doll or a love doll, and I had the person learn various different sexual positions that you can get into, just to open up their horizon in terms of the possibilities that you can utilise – because all of their partners complain that they just never really spice it up in the bedroom. But again, considering the fact that a lot of people don’t talk about these things, it’s not completely unheard of that it wouldn’t have even occurred to them that there’s other positions and ways. Especially when you don’t understand your other partner’s anatomy, you don’t understand the benefit of different positions and that’s what I was really there to fill in the blanks for. 

B: A few years ago I saw an experiment on your YouTube channel. You were interviewing one of your exes. What are the benefits of maintaining a relationship or friendship with an ex?

 S: Yeah, I think it’s important to note; I definitely have exes that I would not do this exercise with. And in my book The Game of Desire, which is the first time that I did this exercise for myself back in 2018, I had to really think about who was safe for me. Who was valuable for me to talk to again, and also, who am I going to talk to who I’m not going to cause harm to by re-entering into their life, to ask these questions? So it’s important to know that I’m not suggesting that every one of your exes is a valuable resource. It’s really the people that, when things ended, it wasn’t because anybody had done something wrong, it’s because you just really weren’t right for each other. Then I did this exercise, I just chose somebody I trusted, and who I had a great connection with, and I had a great relationship with. Maybe it didn’t end perfectly but what we shared was valuable, and as a result I knew that they would have some valuable insight because they knew me better than anybody else, arguably, at that time. your friends and family can also in essence do this exercise for us, obviously not when it comes to sexual performance because you haven’t had sex with them, hopefully! But what an ex can provide is the ability to be brutally honest with you in the name of self-growth, without having to go for tacos with you afterwards, which can be kind of awkward.

 B: You started off make your own content on YouTube, and put out a book, The Game of Desire in 2019, why was television the next natural progression for you?

 S: I started out in this space in 2005 and to be honest with you, I really and truly just wanted to become the Martha Stewart of intimacy. I wanted to become the go-to, somebody who made this area approachable. I think Martha Stewart made DIY and delicate elaborate home decor approachable, and was this everyday person, I want to make sex education sexy. So, if I’m ever considering a project, I think “Is this something that the average person is going to be interested in watching?” Because as much as I love talking to fellow sex positive people, preaching to the choir isn’t necessarily going to be the change that’s going to shift the world. So EX-RATED to me, is a project where, whether or not you have ever read a sex education book before, or whether you are completely versed and you know everything possible and you’re a member of the National Coalition for Sexual Health, you’re still going to find some value in the show, and that to me is the perfect project. It is sex positivity but it is still approachable and real to the everyday person. I think that’s the sign of good TV: you want to not just impact the person watching it, you want them to take away something and think “How can this change or impact my life for the better, if I implement some of the ideas I got from the show?” 

 B: What do you love most about working in sex education?

 S: Learning everyday, learning from my audience and never being bored. here’s nobody who has taught me more than my audience, and this is a topic that we’re supposed to only learn about for two weeks in school, and yet here I am 15 years deep and there’s still things that I’m like “what is that?” A couple weeks ago, someone told me about findommes and I was like, “Oh I don’t know what that is.”  And you know what, I don’t know a lot of stuff, so they were educating me.  And then in the comment section, a lot of people were like “Oh, financial domination, I have a friend who does that!” So, it just fascinates me how much people know. I think now that we’re making this topic less taboo, people are willing to share on a public platform, and I’m happy to be a part of the generation who’s making that shift. 

B: You mentioned you are back in school. Are you getting a PhD?  Tell me about your background in sex education? 

 S: I actually graduated from school for journalism when I was college age, and then from there I became a sex education counselor, I got certified after my first book came out, and then I got certified as a sexologist. But now I do want to pursue the title of behavioural psychologist, so I’m back in school right now to get my degree in psychology. 

 B: Oh wow, that’s wonderful, congratulations on that!

 S: Thank you. It’s nice to be congratulated for being in school, because it’s the completion that usually gets the praise!

 B: In the past you’ve had some people openly doubt your skills and qualifications. Why do you think that your presence in the sex and relationship space intimidates or bothers people?

 S: Well I’m “LOL,” — learning out loud, so there’s tons of mistakes that mean, there’s valid reasons that people might need to dislike me or just find my content not helpful. I think the thing that I want as well is to show that diversity doesn’t mean one more, it means many more. And I always tell people that I may not be your sex educator. That’s what I’m really trying to usher in, a space where we’re not all just looking to Dr. Ruth, we’re not just all looking for one person. So if I’m not your person and your style, that’s okay.

 I know incredible names in this space, and I don’t try to force myself on anybody—I think that that’s not sexy at all. It’s talking about sex, and trying to make people like me—I don’t have to go about it that way. But what I will say, I think as somebody who’s young presenting, as a woman of color and a woman—period, talking about a topic that already makes people uncomfortable and feel insecure, when you think about the person you go to for advice or you think about someone that you want to learn from, I don’t have that visual representation. So, already as it is there might be a “Why would that person know more than me?” just from my visual representation.

 And again, I think, in general, people are already so insecure about this topic that, and because I talk about it, I often get the brunt of those projections. But, like I said, there’s probably a lot more valid reasons for why people are just not interested or into it, but I’m really grateful for projects like EX-RATED, who championed me as their expert and to say “she is valuable and she has something to say and she is worth listening to.” And we want to let everybody know that this is kind of sex education that we stand behind, and that just means the world to me.

 B: You’re a new mother and wife, how has motherhood and marriage changed your relationship to intimacy and sex? 

 S: I think I made the shift to intimacy prior to getting engaged and married. I do everything selfishly, to be super honest with you. I started becoming a sex educator because my sex life was super trash, and I just was like ‘there has to be another way.” So I started researching and I was like, “Wow, there is another way!” On top of that, I don’t think this is common knowledge and I want to be the person who is a part of a community who helps to change that. Then maybe about 10 years later, I was having great sex and great orgasms, but very very poor quality connections and a terrible dating life. So then I was like “Okay, well how do you date? How do you connect with people and choose the right person?” That’s really what spawned my second book The Game of Desire, to be really more just about attraction, seduction, dating and connecting in general. Now that I’m a mom, my natural interest area probably is more in psychology and in child rearing, development, and teaching adults. And so, everything that I do is about what I need right now. 

B: Do you have any tips on navigating dating and romance in this new COVID-19 era we’re in?

 S: At the start of the summer when everyone said the pandemic was over, I was constantly getting requests for articles about the “waxed and vaxxed” season, and how everyone’s going to be having casual sex, and that this summer is going to be this super libertine culture. And I was like, “Man as much as it’s cool to have these catchphrases, let’s not forget that this is about finding a potential lifelong intimate partner!” This is somebody who could be with you on your deathbed, the person who could decide whether or not to pull the plug or not. So why are we making the process of finding that into something trendy? So my main advice for people is, you don’t have to go with what’s mainstream. 

There’s over 400 dating apps online, so if you’re not having success on the Tinders or the OKCupids, there are ones that are about people who have butterfly tattoos on their chest and septum earrings, and that’s the name of the dating app! Then you’ll find people where that’s their area of interest that’s their passion area, and maybe there’s fewer people and less traction, and maybe you don’t log on every day because users are more slow to trickle in, but the quality of the connections that you’re going to have is already so much greater.

 I think, with dating overall, whether it’s in person or online, the most important thing is to enjoy the process, and not to forget that the whole point of this is; two strangers who have no reason to be in touch, just want to get to know each other. Which doesn’t happen in Starbucks, it doesn’t happen as an adult who’s married and not seeking. But dating is the one place that people want to intimately get to know each other, just to see! So, if you can remind yourself of how privileged and beautiful that exchange is, try to do those things. Even if it means less dating and less action, the quality of those exchanges is going to help you out in the long run to stay in the game, for as long as you need to until, you want to come out.

-By Niesha Davis and Kelsey Kitzke 

Peacock Original EX-RATED is streaming now.

Top and bottom photo: Photography by Maya Washington 

Middle Photo: NBC Universal: MediaVillage 

SEX ON TV isn’t only getting hotter—it’s getting better. In recent years, we’ve seen more nuanced depictions of intimacy, pleasure, and consent, with interactions that actually look real. A lot of this improvement is thanks to Ita O’Brien, a British intimacy coordinator and the author of a set of “Intimacy On Set Guidelines” that were widely adopted by producers and directors in 2017. O’Brien, who has worked on acclaimed shows including I May Destroy You, Sex Education, and Normal People, describes her professional journey as an organic one. As a movement teacher and director, she began exploring safe, healthy ways to perform intimate scenes while working on her own play. Eventually, others started asking her to share and teach her approach, so she began developing general guidelines for best practices, which have quickly become standard around the world.

The rules offer protocols for nudity, on-screen kisses, and potential changes to sex scenes. They also emphasize the importance of consent and communication, which is just as crucial in simulated sex as it is in real life. When O’Brien starts working with an actor, one of the first things she does is walk through their boundaries. “We go, ‘You know what the scene is. You know what’s wanted,’” she says. “‘What are your concerns? What are your ‘yes’ areas? What’s not suitable for you? What modesty garments do you want?’”

Intimacy coordination became much more commonplace after Hollywood’s #MeToo reckoning. “There was a big shift in the industry. Before, if an actor ever said no, in any way, they would be worried about whether they might be considered a diva,” O’Brien says. But when actors specifically outline what they are and aren’t OK with—and when those boundaries are written into their contracts—directors, intimacy coordinators, and co-stars can better approach sex scenes.

Ita O’Brien

When it comes to working on the choreography of sex scenes, every detail matters. As O’Brien puts it, you’d never talk through a fight scene and then just send two actors to duke it out; you’d walk through every physical step. “Everything else is given time, space, and structure to work professionally, be it fights, dance, or even working with children and animals. Before now, animals were given more care and attention than actors doing intimate scenes,” O’Brien says. “In the past, when [sex] wasn’t spoken about clearly—when the script wasn’t really interrogated and honored, when there was no open communication from producer to director to writers to actors—you’re really going, ‘What is this scene about?’”

Along with “unraveling and revealing all the detail” writers are envisioning, O’Brien’s other priorities typically include focusing on character and emotional storytelling. It’s the latter that’s made her work so important to viewers. After I May Destroy You aired, for example, she noticed that many queer Black men said they felt seen on-screen for the first time, both in and aside from intimate scenes. And after her work on HBO’s Gentleman Jack, O’Brien heard from many queer women who appreciated the show’s depiction of lesbian sex.

O’Brien’s work on Hulu’s Normal People, based on the Sally Rooney novel of the same name, was also praised for its realistic, no-holds-barred look at sex. “Using protection or asking for protection, being able to put protection on, checking out consent as a continuous thing—but all of it still being sexy,” O’Brien says of the kinds of scenes she is creating on-screen. “This is having a real-life impact.”

By Lydia Wang
Photos: Natalie Seery/HBO (I May Destroy You); Sam Taylor/Netflix (Sex Education); Enda Bowe/Hulu (Normal People)

This article originally appeared in the Summer 2021 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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Natalie Rivera is the creator and host of the podcast How I F*ck, where she and her guests explore the variance of human sexuality and sexual health. How I F*ck was born from Rivera’s natural curiosity and desire to give folks a space to tell their own stories. Rivera sat down with me to chat about the importance of sexual pleasure and the need for increased sexual representation across media platforms. 

Hi Natalie, I am so excited to talk. How did How I F*ck come to be?

I came across an article in the Atlantic about a woman with dwarfism, who is a sex coach specifically for people with dwarfism like herself. I learned a lot from that article, a lot of things that I had never even considered or never even thought of when it comes to the sexual experiences of people living with dwarfism. That got me thinking about what other obstacles communities face when it comes to sex. And I don’t mean just partnered sex—I mean masturbation, access to sex on the web, like pornography, or even just dating in general. I started thinking how can we as a society help communities better attain pleasure? A lot of what we see right now is very heteronormative. It is very white, and it is very cis. I wanted to get to know people’s stories and understand how do they have sex, what turns them on, and is there something we can do to better understand their experiences? 

I just listened to your interview with Buck Angel, and it had me thinking along those lines. His point of view on transgender health might not be agreeable to all, but it is a point of view that I haven’t heard about from an actual person within the trans community. Often, when we read about trans health and trans issues, it’s typically from cis reporters. You’ve been able to give this space to people of whatever community they’re coming from and the freedom to talk. It feels like the space belongs to the person that you’re interviewing. Is that an intention you set when talking to others?

Yeah, I definitely think that that’s my intention. I am by no means a sex expert. I also am not a part of a specific community. While I do personally feel connected, a lot of [the podcast] is not from things that I have experienced myself. When I ask people questions, it is coming from a space of like, “I don’t know.” When I speak to people in that way, I think they are more open to being more honest with me. And I think maybe it has to do with the fact that I’m not pretending that I know everything; I truly, I truly don’t. 

Why do you think talking about sex and pleasure is important?

I think that sex is a human right. I think that almost everyone experiences sex or sexual feelings, and I don’t understand why we don’t talk more about it, or why we don’t try to explore newer ways that we can explore our sexual desires. For example, like with Buck, in my interview with him, he talked about creating a sex toy line for trans men; it had never really been done before. And I thought that was pretty interesting, because I think that truly, even though we seem a little more progressive, it seems like we’re coming a long way, there’s still so much more work to be done. 

What have you been most surprised to learn about sex?

[What] I’ve been most surprised to learn is that a lot of the women that I’ve interviewed have said that they did not masturbate until after penetrative sex. That is, for me, the most shocking. And I say that as someone who has been masturbating since they were very young. So doing this podcast and finding that out, [it] was surprising. I don’t know if I should go as far as to say that it’s sad; I’m not going to say that. But I do feel, you know, those women did express to me a feeling of missing out. Take that as it is. 

I’ll say it for you; I find it to be sad. I was somebody who started masturbating pretty young, and I had a very cool group of girlfriends [and] we would all talk about it. And then when I was in college, I would meet women who were like, “Oh yeah I don’t masturbate, I never have.” And for a long time I thought they were lying from embarrassment, but then when I found out they weren’t, I was shocked. I say it’s sad because I think so much of women being out of touch with their bodies is a cultural phenomenon that makes women feel gross about their bodies and attitudes about sex from a very young age.

Have you learned anything new about yourself from the podcast?

Yeah, I definitely have, and I don’t feel like I am there in terms of truly understanding it fully yet. I was looking into people that struggle with internalized biphobia. I am bisexual, and I’ve known this since I was a child. I’ve been very confused by it. Because I was like, “Am I gay?” And unfortunately, that is something I still struggle with. It’s interesting, because I saw these YouTube videos from people who express this weird confusion and internalize biphobia. I haven’t been in that many relationships with women, because I’m intimidated by women; they’re just so amazing. I’m just better at dating men. I’m better at getting men’s attention. I don’t feel like I have a good gaydar. So that’s a whole other anxiety.

I think this podcast could be viewed as a resource as well as entertainment. What advice would you give to someone who is just at the peak of exploring their sexuality?

I would say go online. I would say look things up. But don’t just Google something that is written by someone who doesn’t identify personally with whatever they’re writing and whatever you’re feeling. We have so much content out there created by real people, whether that’s Instagram, TikTok, or YouTube. Like I said, I’m 30 years old, and I didn’t know how to describe what I was feeling with my bisexuality until I saw these videos on YouTube by [the] bisexual universe.

Which guest would you like to have on the show?

I would love to have Dr. Ruth on. I tweeted her, and it didn’t work. I don’t know how to reach her! The second person I would like is the woman that I mentioned in the Atlantic article. I have reached out to her so many times. I think I spent a good eight months just trying to get a hold of her and I gave up at some point. And the last person, and this is someone that I’m currently looking for because it has been a frickin’ nightmare trying to find someone… I’m looking for a cis man with a micro penis. I’m just not finding anyone. 

Oh, you know who I would love to have on your show? Teen Mom’s Farrah Abraham! She’s so interesting because she engages in so much sex work, and yet she doesn’t talk about it and acts very puritan. It’s a wild combo! 

That’s a really great suggestion. I hadn’t even thought of that. Honestly, I’m very fortunate that I picked this theme. I just don’t see myself running out of ideas.

Photos provided by Natalie Rivera

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I RUN MY FINGERTIPS over the smooth cotton covers, then flop onto the bed, a huge grin on my face. I’d forgotten I could feel like this: belly all aflutter, heart pounding. How long has it been? Years? Half a lifetime? Freshly showered, I’m naked and a shiver races through me as the air conditioning touches my skin. Lying exposed feels daring, naughty, and I giggle like a teenager, exhilarated by the prospect of a night of mind-blowing sex. I squirm, the fluttering in my belly spreading to my loins and becoming a warm, needy throb. God, I need sex. I’m so ready for it. And it’ll happen, in this bed, tonight.

My skin’s rosy with the flush of arousal. I’m primed for action…but nagging trepidation clouds my bliss. Sighing, I sit up and eye the woman staring back from the full-length mirror. She’s no teen. Dark rings beneath her eyes and her deeply lined brow tell a sorrowful tale of wasted years, a marriage turned sour. She looks fragile, vulnerable. Yet, as I stare, a smile tugs at her lips. She may be damaged, but she’s fighting back. She’s here, isn’t she?

A sudden shudder of excitement sets my pulse racing. I refuse to be that fragile woman—I’m a cougar, getting back in the saddle and loving it. It’s why I arranged this weekend: booked the hotel, pre-ordered dinner, and arrived early to shower and change. My suitcase contains new underwear, far skimpier than anything I’d normally choose. My little black dress is figure-hugging with a plunging neckline, my heels dangerously high. I’ll look amazing.

I flop backward again, my smile growing. He’ll be here soon, and he’ll like what he sees. He’ll want me. Desire me. He’ll tell me I’m beautiful and this time, he’ll tell me up close, hot breath upon my cheek. Then he’ll touch me—a palm against my arm, back of the hand stroking my face. And we’ll embrace, skin upon skin, melting into one another, lips locked. I’ll taste him, smell him, languish in the heat of his body pressed against mine. Ahh…I quiver, and moaning, part my thighs, rubbing gently. And if he touches me like this….

I think he will. He does everything right—not bad for a man I met online. Right from the start, conversation was easy, and he listened. Really listened. I’m still amazed how quickly our connection grew through texts and emails; a courtship of written words, like in days of old. Skype followed, of course, and the thoroughly modern application of cybersex. Surprisingly satisfying, but not in the same league as physical contact.

I touch my stomach as butterflies stir again. I love this feeling, I’m so alive, yet…time seems to pass too slowly, every second dogged by insecurities I can’t quite suppress. Will I disappoint him? Will he disappoint me? Will he actually turn up? It’s a long way to travel and he hasn’t yet confirmed he’s en route. I could do with a drink to steady my nerves. Should’ve booked a room with a minibar.

Stop it! Get a grip. Drawing a deep breath, I squeeze my eyes shut and return to thoughts of him. I picture his body over mine, the heat and pressure as he kisses my neck—gentle kisses that dance on my skin, sending shivers through me. He has a lovely body, lean and muscular. And…ooh, yes…he moves lower, sucking a nipple and nibbling gently, exactly the way he described online. Exactly right. Then, desire consuming us, sweat lubricates our frantic coupling: kissing, biting, hands exploring, his rigid cock against my abdomen, digging into my flesh. I gasp…my pussy pulses as his cock noses my slit. The pressure builds and he slides into me. “Oh, baby….”

My hips gyrate. I need release. With his voice in my head, declaring adoration, I plunge fingers inside my wet pussy and fuck myself hard. My velvet walls stretch, juices flow as I stroke my G-spot again and again. “Sweetheart, yes!”

I shudder, thighs clamped shut, and twitch on the covers like a fish out of water as delicious spasms rock me. The waves slowly ebb, I exhale and slump. Still breathing hard, I stare at the ceiling, aftershocks zipping through me, my grin unwavering…and he’s not even here yet.

Laughing, I roll off the bed and head to the bathroom. Time’s ticking and I need to shower again, then get dressed. So, when I hear a tap on the door, my heart stops. It’s him—he’s early. Crap. I curse myself for telling the receptionist to send him straight up and, panicking, wonder what to do. Dress fast? Leave him standing there while I shower? Hide? But when I venture to peer through the peep-hole, my anxiety melts: he’s fidgeting with his clothes and practicing his smile. Bless him. He’s as nervous as I am.

Fuck it. In for a penny…Sheets hastily straightened, I wrap a towel loosely around me. If all goes well, I won’t be wearing it for long. OK, deep breath…it’s time. 

By Mags Hayward

Photo: Aaron Lee / Unsplash

This article originally appeared in the Spring 2021 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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Recently, someone asked me about a possible connection between ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and sexuality. “Sex can be challenging sometimes,” they wrote, “and I’m wondering if it’s linked to my ADHD.” The answer here is that sex can be challenging, and one reason for that is that it’s not a stand-alone bodily function. Like other physical systems, it links up with all the other elements of our well-being, from circulatory to socioemotional. So yes, it is certainly possible that ADHD could connect with your sexual experiences and libido.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, ADHD is marked by “an ongoing pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development,” and those qualities could show up sexually in a variety of ways. For one, impulsivity could have lots of sexual and relationship implications for a teen or an adult, and youthful experiences in particular can set expectations and leave marks that impact a person’s sex life going forward.

Another thing to take into consideration is medication. Stimulant versions of ADHD meds can impact sleep and raise anxiety or irritability levels, and both of those side effects can be felt in one’s sex life. (In fact, they could reinforce each other!) I’m reading tons of articles about sleep these days and they often don’t say a word about libido; like other discussions of human experience, sex is just left out. This is one reason why your doc might not tell you what to expect when it comes to possible changes to your sexual experience, whether from meds or the condition itself. And if antidepressants are also a part of the mix, you can expect libido, arousal, and orgasm challenges as well. It is an evil irony that both depression and meds that treat it can have these effects. (Wellbutrin is often cited as the one with the least-worst side effects.) And since I mentioned sleep, let me also mention that (healthy) diet and exercise can improve sexual functioning in any person.

If you are in a relationship and notice interpersonal challenges associated with your ADHD that spill over into sex, cognitive-behavioral therapy might help (particularly mindfulness work, which can help retrain your brain and impulses). Couples therapy might be good, too, but seek out someone who knows about both sex and ADHD. In these times of Zoom therapy sessions, you might find someone with this kind of focus just about anywhere. Psychology Today maintains a therapist database, but you can also check the listings at the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT.org).

Spacing out, losing focus, or experiencing anxiety during sex can happen even to people with no ADHD. Mindfulness work might be useful to most of these folks, actually, and there is a very particular kind of practice that’s been developed in the sex therapy world: sensate focus. It involves paying attention to bodily sensations as you go—not your cognitive thoughts and feelings about what’s happening, and definitely no self-talk like, “Am I gonna get turned on enough? Am I gonna stay focused enough to please my partner?” These things just mess with your ability to experience your own sexual response, and if a problem arises, it can be tough to get back to the pleasure and connection you supposedly are trying to achieve! (I’m aware that people have sex for many reasons, and I don’t mean to denigrate those experiences by saying this.) The other thing sensate focus can do is help you and your partner learn what kind of touch you (and they) do and don’t like, so there’s less guesswork.

Mindfulness does another important thing here: it teaches you about you, and helps you understand whether there are things about sex that trigger anxiety, loss of focus, sudden libido loss, or loss of desire. If your ADHD shows up in sex with a hypersensitivity response, that can be the opposite of a turn-on. The next step along the path of mindfulness and sensate focus is to tell partners what your deal is, so they don’t unknowingly stimulate you to the point of irritation. (If sensate overwhelm is part of your life in general, maybe negotiate lower lights, less outside noise or distraction, and no extraneous scents in the room.)

I realize I’ve been addressing this as though sexual functioning is a problem, but sometimes it’s the opposite. Folks with ADHD can also experience a tendency towards hypersexuality—fun, right? But maybe not, since this can feel largely out of your control, and high sex drive can itself be mixed up in relationship issues.

Either way, like many other people for whom sex has proven challenging, you might benefit from switching up what it means to have sex in the first place. If there is a pattern of experience you’ve learned (and have issues with), is there anything else you and your partner or partners could do differently? Thinking about this lets you consider what might bypass your current triggers, whatever they are. Talk to them about that and negotiate. Try to experiment and explore. This could put you in a different mindset and keep you out of the rut of worrying about sex just because it has been challenging in the past. Good luck! –Carol Queen

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone

This article originally appeared in the Spring 2021 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

Photo by Roman Odintsov / Pexels

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I first glimpsed non-monogamy in the real world as a record-store cashier. My co-worker, Mel, was the essence of cool: lanky and laid-back, she had a pinup bombshell of a girlfriend. They checked other girls out from behind the counter together, and talked about their separate affairs. Mixing romantic partnership with sex gossip (and music nerdery!) seemed like the apex of relationship bliss. If only I’d been born without jealousy, I thought. I never imagined that years later, without a lick of resentment, I’d be planning my husband’s birthday with another woman: his girlfriend, my “metamour.” 

Metamours date the same person (a hinge partner), but unlike a triad, they’re not romantically involved with each other. Imagine experiencing all the moments and complications of dating with a bestie: fawning over your shared partner’s cute outfit, commiserating over his grouchy mood. Some metamours prefer to never meet, but regardless of intimacy level, loving or lusting after the same person is a bond that deserves the utmost respect. Interested? Here’s how to cultivate a healthy relationship with your partner’s partner—with a little help from the r/polyamory community on Reddit.

Chill

You’re not required to meet your metamour. Dating the same person is a delicate situation, and everyone handles it differently: some want close communication between everyone (kitchen table polyamory), and others want the buffer of ignorance (don’t ask, don’t tell). All strategies work, as long as they’re what feels right. Don’t just adhere to the boundaries; respect them.

Outline your desires

Non-monogamy can be overwhelming. Are you comfortable meeting your metamour? Being close friends? Living together? It’s important to discuss your preferences and then discuss them again when things inevitably evolve. If you’re close with your meta, you might even feel OK blurting out, “I’m not ready to be a sister wife!” and she’ll understand.

Let it unfold organically

“Keeping distance early can enable more connection later,” says Reddit user emeraldead. “Pushing early can destroy what potential may exist!” If you want to meet your meta, don’t force it. The world will eventually bring you together. And pay attention to cues. After my meta grilled my husband about our arrangement, I knew she was hyper-communicative.

The metamour meeting can be magical—your love often extends to one another. “I’m a trans woman, and this is my first poly relationship,” says Reddit user SabrinaMcG. “When I first went to my bf’s house, my meta made me feel so welcome in their home. She also gave me so many clothes that I couldn’t carry them all.”

Meeting a meta can also be awkward, so have an escape. I took my husband to see my boyfriend’s band. My husband got to know him from afar, and they met between sets, so there was an easy out if they didn’t get along. (They did—metas often do.) 

“My meta and I watch musicals together,” says CalloftheTriforce, “because our hinge partner doesn’t enjoy things like Singin’ in the Rain. My favorite memory is canning pickles with my meta while singing musical numbers…our partner was hiding.”

Know that jealousy happens

Some folks are blessed with “compersion,” the feeling of joy or arousal at their partner’s satisfaction by another. Compersion is a sexual superpower that’s delightful, but not necessary. 

“I can be supported and secure and jealous and insecure; one doesn’t cancel out the other, and [polyamory] operates just fine in that space,” says emeraldead.

When jealousy happens, acknowledge it without acting on it. Why did your metamour trigger it? Are you fearful of being replaced? Do they bring out insecurities about your appearance, emotional adeptness, intellect, or sexual prowess? As much as it stings, understanding these insecurities can illuminate their triviality. If you feel comfortable admitting it, own your jealousy rather than blaming someone else. Remember that, in most cases, jealousy fades. 

The metamour bond requires being cool, considerate, and communicative, but don’t fret. It seems like non-monogamous lovers are supernaturally evolved, but in reality, we’ve arrived here thanks to baby steps, humor, and communication. –Erin K. Barnes

By Erin. K. Barnes

Illustration by Dilek Baykara

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The hashtag #KinkTok currently has more than 3.5 billion views on TikTok. Some #KinkToks are harmless reflections of a sex-positive world in which individuals are free to share their unorthodox sexual desires without shame: Dudes dressed up as French maids! Harry Styles licking his lips! A girl listening to “WAP” while eating a breakfast sandwich for some reason! But many others are more sinister in nature, entering a violent territory that may be dangerous for young people coming to terms with their sexuality. The result, i-D reports, is that “the line between sex positivity and sexual violence is being blurred.”

In one viral TikTok clip that now appears to have been taken down, a teenage girl displays black-and-blue bruises all over her body. “Decided to watch 365 Days with my ‘guy friend,’” reads the caption, a reference to the controversial 2020 Netflix movie that creepily glamorizes Stockholm syndrome, sex trafficking, and sexual assault. In response to the clip, one Twitter user wrote: “This has 5.4 million likes. I am really concerned that young women are seeing this and thinking it’s normal for men to basically beat them up during sex.”

This has 5.4 million likes. I am really concerned that young women are seeing this and thinking it’s normal for men to basically beat them up during sex. Any guy who is comfortable doing this much damage has a screw loose in my opinion… pic.twitter.com/NoWpZQN6GL

— aps (@PlSTACHIOS) July 28, 2020

Due to the aggressive pornographic content seeping into the mainstream through social media platforms, and the fact that kids are getting online at younger ages, many young people are learning about sex through clips that glorify sexual violence. With the woeful inadequacy of sex-ed in schools, “young people will go to the Internet for answers,” said Erika Lust, one of the world’s few female porn directors, in an interview with The Guardian. “Many people’s first exposure to sex is hardcore porn [that teaches kids] that men should be rough and demanding, and that degradation is standard,” she continued. “Face slapping, choking, gagging and spitting has become the alpha and omega of any porn scene and not within a BDSM context. These are presented as standard ways to have sex when, in fact, they are niches.” 

The issue here is not, as Rihanna would say, chains and whips exciting people; the issue is the marginalization of consent when it comes to violence during sex, and what that means for the next generation. Teenagers can access hardcore porn about as easily as they can scroll through TikTok, but the line between the two is becoming increasingly blurred. Violence becoming mainstream among adult performers in the porn scene is one issue, but sexual violence becoming mainstream among minors on TikTok is another entirely. Contemporary teenage culture is both reflected and created by social media. If minors who are beginning to shape their sexualities see not just paid performers, but also their peers, glorifying violent sex and slamming those who aren’t into it, then they may accept these attitudes as gospel and put them into practice in potentially harmful ways.

If young people see aggressive sex as a norm, or even a necessity, they will be less likely to ask for consent for bedroom violence and more likely to violate sexual boundaries. “Young people are being told that everyone is doing this… It’s a default expectation now,” said Fiona Mackenzie, founder of the UK activist group We Can’t Consent to This, in an interview with i-D. “People’s negative experiences are being diminished because people dismiss them as simply having vanilla preferences.”

As kink-shaming fades away, a troubling and equally closed-minded new trend, “vanilla-shaming,” comes into focus. Many of the TikTok users who brag about sadomasochism also bash people who are not into it, portraying sex negativity as sex positivity. “Share this if you’re into [knife] play, I’m trying to prove something to the vanillas,” wrote one user, who barely looks 16, over a lip-syncing clip that has 79,000 ‘likes’ and counting. Other TikTok users recognize the problem: one user criticized the fact that such clips “have turned vanilla into an insult and hypersexualized underaged girls to the point that they feel it’s compulsory to enjoy men beating the shit out of them in bed [in order] to not be viewed as a prude and be found desirable.”  

@oatmilk623

we are literally back in 2014 tumblr #ThisCouldBeUs #fyp

♬ original sound – Serena

Upon hearing the words “vanilla sex,” some people may picture something like a couple having silent, joyless sex in missionary position for the four-minute duration of Maroon 5’s 2002 hit “She Will Be Loved.” The buzzword “vanilla” is often pushed on TikTok, PornHub, and elsewhere to suggest that nonviolent sex equals boring sex. That simplistic line of thinking positions violence as a lazy sexual strategy to replace consideration for individual partners with individual preferences.

The pressure young people face to accept sexual violence as essential for pleasing their partner or themselves is not just short-sighted—it can be dangerous, and even fatal. Attention was drawn to this issue in the UK in 2019, when British backpacker Grace Millane was strangled to death by a Tinder date. Millane’s killer tried to use the UK’s “rough sex” or “Fifty Shades of Grey” defense to dismiss her death as accidental, even though he strangled her for 10 minutes straight. The use of this victim-blaming defense has risen by 90 percent since 2010, per The Guardian.

If an act would be considered assault if done nonconsensually in public—such as slapping, hair-pulling, or choking—it’s safe to assume it would be assault if done nonconsensually in private. According to a 2019 BBC study, 38 percent of women in the United Kingdom between the ages of 18 and 39 had experienced unwanted “slapping, choking, gagging or spitting during consensual sex.” The Centre for Women’s Justice attributed this to the “widespread availability, normalization and use of extreme pornography.” 

So what is TikTok doing to control its role in the normalization and glorification of sexual violence? “Our Community Guidelines make clear what is not acceptable on our platform, and that includes content which depicts, solicits, promotes, normalizes or glorifies non-consensual sexual acts or sexual violence,” a TikTok spokesperson said in a statement to i-D. “Of the videos that have been brought to our attention, seven have been removed for violating our guidelines.” (Seven!) 

Most teenagers don’t want to get their sex-ed from their parents or their biology teacher, and it’s naive to expect them to delete their social media accounts or to stop watching porn.

If social media companies will not adequately address the problem, and the problem stems from misguided sources of sex education, then the sources themselves must change—or at least diversify. Most teenagers don’t want to get their sex-ed from their parents or their biology teacher, and it’s naive to expect them to delete their social media accounts or to stop watching porn. But individuals on these platforms hold the power to shift the conversation from within. Such a shift could come from artists, influencers, and porn directors—especially female ones—who emphasize communicating and respecting boundaries in their expressions of sex positivity. 

While the conversations around sexuality are becoming increasingly progressive, some members of the next generation are learning to equate sexual liberation with kinkiness, and convention with repression. No matter where young people get their sex education from, it needs to teach them that sexual liberation is the freedom to choose and vocalize what they don’t want during sex, just as much as what they do.

Top Image by Artem Labunsky on Unsplash

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I’m exhausted. He’s up there sleeping, and I’ve escaped to the living room couch for refuge. His loud breathing is really getting to me. I love him dearly, but holy macaroni, I need sleep. Over the past decade, I have laid awake and annoyed on hundreds of nights, listening to his breathing for an hour before slipping out to sleep on our daughter’s extra bunk, even on blankets in the hall, anything to escape the noise. Now, I risk the loud stairs to rest, maybe sleep, on the living room couch. We really need to replace this old thing—the cushions have no support, and always sink in toward the middle, making quite an uncomfortable bed.  

Nonetheless, this is where I end up when all I want is a good night’s sleep. I know I have precious few hours until dawn and I certainly don’t want to project my sleep deprivation onto my family or work folks. I need sleep. 

I haven’t orgasmed in a week. But I decide to try now since I know it will help me drift off. I need a little help getting wet. Thank goodness for erotica apps—I can read a quick story, please myself, and get to sleep. 

I read about a woman on a train making it with her seatmate, a smokin’ hot stranger. Lots of fingering in the story means lots of fingering of my own. Both characters come explosively, and I’m about ready to climax when I hear our bed creak above me. I stop and tense, ears perked. He’s going to the bathroom. I spread my legs into a good gyno pose. I squeeze my breasts and then reach past my clit-pleasing hand to press into the hole further back. I come hard, pleasure rocking my core, my breath so ragged I’m sure he can hear me. 

Oh. He’s on the stairs. How did I miss his feet plodding down the hall? It’s dark down here, aside from the light from my phone. How much has he seen?  

He doesn’t say a word, but he covers the distance to the couch quickly. He gently puts my phone on the floor before kissing my lips, then kisses my neck. His hand reaches under my sweatshirt and gives my breasts a squeeze. My nipples, already hard, become easy joysticks for his fingers. He reaches his other hand between my legs, feels around my moist sex, and whispers, “You came without me.” I close my eyes and murmur as he circles my clit and slides his fingers inside my vagina. He pulls my shirt over my head and yanks my pants and undies down my legs.  

His boxer briefs hide nothing. I grab his cock hard with one hand and palm his firm buttocks with the other, pulling him toward my head. Then I pull the boxers down his legs, breathing heavily as I hear his breathing quicken in turn. Not one to pass up oral if offered, he pulls his fingers out of me to hold the couch for support as he jerks his erection toward my mouth. 

I pull him into my mouth, making him groan. He squeezes my breast and plays with my nipple as I suck him wildly. We may have some issues, but we love each other, and we can still please each other. My tongue plays with his shaft and twirls around his tip, while my hands massage his ass and balls. He’s in heaven. I know I have him close to the edge and I’m ready to let him finish in my mouth, but he pulls away, squeezing my nipples playfully. 

My groin pulses with anticipation. I’ve already orgasmed once on my own, but before I worry that I won’t be able to come for him, my vulva pulses. I am going to let loose again any moment now. He straddles me on the couch and spreads my legs, then groans with approval when he feels how wet I am. 

“I’m so ready for you, baby,” I murmur as he slides in, and oh. The feeling is heavenly. He’s slow as he fills me, and then, just when I think no more of him can fit, he slams the rest in. I groan loudly, then match his pressure and reach around to squeeze his cheeks. That’s a favorite of his. We pulse together, two bodies as one. He sits up and grabs my hips as we slap together, my breasts jumping each time. He fingers my clit with one hand and fondles my nipples with the other and my body ricochets with orgasm, followed immediately by his own. His rock-hard cock jams into my pelvis once more and then he falls upon me, breathless. 

We lay together like that for a long while, catching our breaths and basking in each other’s love. He is mine; I am his. –Sue Wells 

Art: Gabriella Shery
Photo: Morgan Vander Hart/Unsplash

Send your original One-Handed Read to submissions@bust.com and you may see it in an upcoming issue!

This article originally appeared in the Winter 2021 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe now!

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IN MY YEARS of shopping for sex toys, I’ve seen loads of strokers meant to aid cisgender men in jerking off. Recently, however, I’ve discovered that these types of toys—which users can penetrate during masturbation, and which can simulate the feeling of getting a blow job—exist for FTM/ transmasculine people like me as well, and can accommodate genitals in various stages of medical gender transition. And that’s important, because while taking testosterone will likely increase the size of a person’s clitoris, the extent can vary significantly between people. There are also strokers for folks who haven’t taken hormones. For this reason, the exact fit of a stroker is crucial, and vague product descriptions like “for people who’ve had significant [clitoral] growth” can be unhelpful. So if you’re curious but not sure where to begin, here are a few options to consider. With a little trial and error—and this handy size guide—you’ll likely find the perfect toy for you. 

I tried The Kiss-X ($25, buckangel.com) first, and even with the recommended maneuvering, I couldn’t quite get the fit right. The opening on this fits the end of a standard pen.

New York Toy Collective’s Jack 2-in-1 Stroker ($59, newyorktoycollective.com) is a penis-shaped stroker that doubles as a packer (a phallic object designed to fit into men’s clothing and add the appearance of a bulge). Despite being listed as having the same-size opening as the Kiss-X, I enjoyed this one, though it was still a little tight.

A number of fantasy dildo makers also make strokers. I ordered a custom-colored Travus ($41, etsy.com/fantasticocks). It is beautiful, and while I personally wasn’t able to really feel the ridges inside, I definitely enjoyed it; its large overall girth also made it nice to hold. 

Next, I ordered the Nixa ($41, etsy.com/fantasticocks). The difference in size between this and the Travus (about 0.05?) looked insignificant on paper, but this one ended up being my favorite, as its size allowed for a good amount of suction and friction. It also has an open end so you can insert a vibe, but it’s thinner than the Travus, so it’s easier to squeeze shut.

The details for the Mer ($30, allfornaughty.com) were great, but despite its given measurements suggesting its opening was bigger than the others, I couldn’t fit into this one. However, the ridges feel like it would be lots of fun to use if it actually fit.

Finally, I tried the Buck-Off ($23, buckangel.com). Even though the product description said it was the same size as the Mer, this one was the largest by far. The opening was about the size of a standard lube cap and I was able to kind of get a little suction briefly. But between its size and softness, I was mostly just squeezing the sides against my junk. –Revé Douglas

This article originally appeared in the Winter 2021 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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Some say a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, but the use of milk sugar (lactose) and other animal products in birth control pills may be hard for animal lovers to swallow. While eliminating their contributions to animal suffering through the foods they eat, the fabrics they wear, and the personal hygiene products they use, vegans still may not think twice about the medications they take on a routine basis. But, like many nutritional supplements and pharmaceutical drugs, the birth control pill is produced using processes and materials that exploit animals. 

All forms of The Pill, as well as hormonal intrauterine devices (IUDs), contain progestin, a synthetic hormone that is made in labs using cholesterol sourced from animals in many cases. No matter the brand or hormones, all oral contraceptives contain lactose, a sugar that is found in cows’ milk and harvested by humans through artificial insemination. According to Drugs.com, lactose is used to compress pills into solid form and is a “pharmacologically inactive substance,” meaning it is not necessary to the effectiveness of any drug. Healthline reports that this “filler ingredient” can make pills “easier to swallow”; it is, in other words, an animal product that could be avoided in drug production. Some oral contraceptives also contain stearic acid, another unnecessary animal-derived material used to “improve the consistency” of the pills. The copper IUD is one of the only contraceptive options free of animal products, although—as with all contraceptive methods for women—they are tested on animals.

Worldwide laws and regulations currently require all medicines to be tested on animals before they can be tested on humans during clinical trials. In this regard, no medications are animal-friendly, and the industry does not offer any cruelty-free alternatives. Animal testing for cosmetics has been banned in the European Union since 2013, and the global pharmaceutical industry can and should follow suit by abandoning animal experimentation in favor of employing the existing alternatives, such as in vitro and computer-based tests, and exploring new ones. 

So what’s a vegan to do? The Vegan Society defines veganism as “a way of living which seeks to exclude—as far as is possible and practicable—all forms of exploitation of, and cruelty to, animals for food, clothing or any other purpose.” Due to the complete lack of animal-friendly birth control pills, combined with the utility and frequent necessity of hormonal birth control, The Pill falls under the “practicable” exception… that is, until pharmaceutical companies can get with the times and make use of ingredients and practices that are not built upon cruelty to or exploitation of animals.

Photo by Reproductive Health Supplies Coalition on Unsplash

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The modern axiom is true: there’s an app for everything. Have a question about pleasure or intimacy? Need some inspo for your next solo session? Before you head to Google, try one of these women-founded sex apps that offer everything from instructional talks to erotic stories to guided meditations. Blending the latest tech with the expertise of psychologists, sexperts, and erotic writers, these picks are feminist, inclusive, and—most importantly—they focus on women’s pleasure.

Emjoy
From sexy audio stories to guided talks and meditations, this app—which focuses on pleasure, sexual health, mental health, and the ways in which all three overlap—has a little bit of everything. After listening to an audio guide on a subject like staying present during sex, figuring out what you’re into, or combatting orgasm anxiety, you can turn to Emjoy’s library of sexy stories to wind down. Not sure where to begin? You can also answer questions about your sex drive, preferences, and hang-ups to get personalized recommendations. All content is overseen by an in-house sex therapist and menstrual therapist, and a lot of it is available for free. For $19.99 a year, you can access everything the app has to offer.

Dipsea
Founded by two friends who wanted to take a mind-first approach to sex, Dipsea boasts a library of over 200 erotic audio stories, with new additions each week. You can sort through stories by gender, kink, relationship, and steam level. In some, actors describe erotic situations; in others, you can listen to a couple (or trio) get it on. Notably, Dipsea has an extensive selection of stories for queer users, including clips specifically geared towards trans and nonbinary listeners. Subscribe for $47.99 a year or download the app to access a small selection of stories for free.
Ferly
Ferly’s goal is to help you figure out what sex means for you. The app’s audio guides will walk you through exploring your own body, experimenting with clit play, strengthening your pelvic floor, and more. There are also specific exercises for couples, a library of guided masturbation sessions, and podcasts, all led by experts, on everything from period sex to types of non-monogamy. If you struggle with making time for yourself, Ferly also lets users set weekly reminders to devote some time to the app. This one is completely free, but they accept donations for causes including domestic violence helplines and Black Lives Matter.

 Rosy Wellness
Rosy is the best app for those looking for instructional videos. Users can take a quiz for personalized recommendations, or they can sign up for multi-part classes taught by doctors, psychologists, and other experts. Standout offerings include guides to postpartum sex and pleasure, explainers on why you might be feeling pain during sex, and a course on rethinking desire. This app also has a community discussion space and ways to connect to local providers who are trained in sexual health and available for video chat sessions. Some parts of the app are free, and full access costs $9.99 a month. 

By Lydia Wang 
Header Image: Pexels / Andrea Piacquadio

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An Ode to Betty Dodson

If you’ve ever bought a vibrator—or enjoyed masturbating any way you chose to do it, with one finger or a toybox full of gizmos—you basically have Betty Dodson to thank. Way back when, kids caught diddling were punished or worse, because masturbation (in the West, anyway, and especially in the puritanical U.S.A.) was thought to be aberrant and a sign of mental illness. Betty Dodson wasn’t the first person to stand up to that narrative, but she was arguably the first woman who really spoke up about it—and indelibly influenced others, even those who weren’t sexologists or other specialists. (She influenced plenty of men, too, and people of other gender identities and orientations.)

Every sex-positive activist stands on the shoulders of someone who came before them and helped make the space for the next generation—and there is no question that I stand on Betty’s. In fact, I have no idea who I’d be without her inspiration and friendship! I also know whose shoulders Betty stands on—it’s those of her mother Bessie, who didn’t try to interfere with Betty Anne when the little Kansas girl figured out in the 1930s that there was something she could do to make herself feel really good.

That would come in handy, because when Betty moved to New York as a young woman to make it as an artist (for a while, she drew gorgeous fashions for use in newspaper ads), she got married—and found that her new husband didn’t even seem aware that there was such a thing as the female orgasm. Yikes! Luckily, the sexual revolution was right around the corner. A lover turned her on to a broader sex life than she’d had with Mr. Wrong, and it included lots of clitoral play and vibrators. Betty started bringing this sexual element into her artwork and did a notable and notorious gallery show, “The Love Picture Exhibition,” in 1968.

Her next step was to turn other feminists on to vibration, masturbation, and bodily self-love. Her presentations at the 1973 NOW Women’s Sexuality Conference inspired many and simply blew the minds of many more, especially those who saw her drawings of vulvas (she had a whole slideshow) and couldn’t handle how explicit they were. Though the feminist mainstream wasn’t overwhelmingly sex positive during that decade or the next—look up “feminist sex wars” if you’re not sure what I mean by that—Betty spent those years (and most of the decades since) convening “Bodysex workshops” where women gathered in a circle to look at their vulvas in a mirror, talk about body image and genitals, learn about the clitoris and using vibrators (Betty has been a really big booster of the Magic Wand), and masturbate together. Yup! Your mom might have even gone to one in 1983!

Betty was bicoastal in the ’70s and sold copies of her self-published booklet, Liberating Masturbation, out of her backpack (with an original Dodson drawing on the cover, of course). Later, she got a book contract to expand it into the classic self-love tome Sex for One. And nearly a decade after I met her in 1988, referred by one of my professors at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, Betty got a sexology degree of her own and was thenceforth known as Dr. Dodson—or Dr. BAD, as she liked to say.

By this time, Betty was pushing 70, feisty as ever, and her next act was about to begin. She started writing sex advice columns for BUST and eventually, with help from her business partner Carlin Ross, started a foundation and stepped up her Internet game, answering countless questions from people who needed better sex ed (or just needed to be reminded to respect the clitoris). The years began catching up to this powerhouse in her late 80s—she just turned 91!—but she still had one important task to complete: Helping Gwyneth Paltrow figure out the right  word to use to talk about her pleasure anatomy. No, the general term is not vagina. 

Why am I telling you all about Betty? Sadly, she passed away over the weekend on Halloween after a long illness—and I want to make sure everyone knows about her and the impact she’s had on our sexualities over these last 60 years.

For those interested in learning more about this heroine of feminist sexuality, check out her books, Betty Dodson: My Sexual Memoir, Sex for One, and Orgasms for Two, and do a deep dive into her work with Carlin Ross at dodsonandross.com. And finally, dedicate your next orgasm to her. She made cultural space for you to have it!

By Carol Queen.

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So, you and your person are quarantined apart—or maybe, you were already in a long-distance relationship, and it looks like travel isn’t the safest option right now. You miss them; hell, you’re horny. Allow me to share some together-not-together strategies.

Keep in Touch

What schedule helps you feel optimally connected? What’s the right number of texts and calls per day or week? Keep your intimacy nurtured; feed your connection.

Date Virtually

Out of quarantine, you’d have rituals and rhythms. Maybe cook dinner together, have a drink after work, go for walks. If you’ve got technology, you can still do all that. Watch the same shows. Read to each other. Zoom lets you screen-share; you can shop for sex toys or frisky underwear together!

Fantasy & Friction

Some people don’t masturbate much when they have a partner, but you’re not cheating if you indulge in a little self-care. Really bring your partner into your mind—let masturbation be an intimacy ritual, not just a blow-off-sexual-steam thing. Look at their picture; remember your favorite times together. Fantasize about their hands on you. Solo sex is fabulous for anyone who enjoys it, but when living apart, use it to give shape to your erotic connection with your partner. Tell them all about it later! You’re probably more than a little touch deprived. Stroke yourself all over—feed the skin hunger.

Technology is More Than Just Your Friend Right Now 

Yup, you’re in a throuple with your smartphone. You probably aren’t FaceTime-sexing with every call (or maybe you are, you sexy beasts), but there are many ways to increase your erotic and intimacy levels using your phone and other tech.

You don’t have to be sexual on camera if you’re not comfortable—you get to have boundaries on the Internet, too! Sexy talk alone is wonderful. But maybe this is a time to stretch your wings. I wrote the book Exhibitionism for the Shy, and it sure is relevant now. If you feel a little nervous, try lower lighting or garments that feel sexy but partially cover you. You can tease and watch at the same time—or take turns. Make explicit requests of each other and use a safe word in case anything feels like too much. 

And speaking of kink, there are many ways to explore dominance and submission when apart. If that’s not how you’re wired, that’s cool! But for some, this will be a time to try new kinds of erotic exploration, not just tech-enabled exhibitionism.

Negotiate any explicit activities that can be recorded. You may not agree to this, and if you don’t, make that clear. I don’t want to be a downer here—this is your person we’re talking about—but there are videos floating around online that shouldn’t be. Just think it through.

The Next Best Thing to Being There

I’m talking about remote-control sex toys, naturally. You can have fun with old-school toys that have no app (maybe even ones that plug into the wall!). But some vibrators let you share sensations over the web, like Kiiroo platform toys. Or hand over control of your vibe via smartphone.

“After This is Over” Plans

Maybe this all really feels like not enough. But someday, your person will encircle you in a huge, hungry embrace. You’ll be able to go to your favorite café again. You can take a road trip! Imagine those times together. Start building the future. We might be stuck on hold for a while, but the moment we’re living in will change. You’ll hold hands and have some kind of adventure. Where will you go?

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is “The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone”

Photo: Unsplash

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With Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s “WAP” debuting at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 List and a record-breaking 93 million streams in its first week, the subject of women’s desire, sexuality, and agency is a topic on everyone’s lips. Half a century after the Stonewall Rebellion and Women’s Movement changed the landscape of sexuality and gender forevermore, a new generation of sex positive youth has emerged. In 2020, conversations about body positivity, genderfluidity, and pansexuality have moved into the mainstream, creating a shared space to tap into the healing powers of sex.

The days of silence and shame around sex are becoming a thing of the past as educators and entrepreneurs like Zoë Ligon bring positive and progressive perspectives to the fore. On a mission to replace stigmas and misinformation with acceptance and insight, Ligon has partnered with photographer Elizabeth Renstrom to create the new book, Carnal Knowledge: Sex Education You Didn’t Get in School (Prestel), which offers 52 progressive tips for sexual health and personal liberation. Renstrom’s warm and witty photographs complement Ligon’s sex-positive prose to provide a feminist perspective on everything from safe sex, birth control, and consent to sex workers’ rights and affirming healthcare.

Ligon and Renstrom create a safe space for thinking about the many ways in which sex informs our sense of self and helps us to create satisfying encounters alone or with a partner. Here, the authors share their journey to create a bright, colorful book that embraces all aspects of sexuality and relationships, without minimizing or erasing the struggle we may experience on our journey to liberation.

Why do you think “WAP” was so strongly received at this time in the United States?

Zoë Ligon: As much as there was positivity and excitement surrounding the release of “WAP,” I also noticed that it drew out a lot of controversies — and not just from conservatives. Of course, there was the Ben Shapiro reaction of something is wrong with you if you get that wet, so go to a doctor, but I also saw people who loved the song using it as an opportunity to say things to the effect of, if you’re 22 and dried up and don’t have WAP, go see your doctor. As a lifelong haver of DAP, dry-ass pussy, due to my medications, I couldn’t help but think that it was much less about the song itself and more about the control and anger over of the fluids that come out of bodies assigned female at birth. 

It also reminded me that people still have a lot to learn when it comes to vulvas and their fluids. People forget that lube exists and you don’t have to be ‘old’ to use it, that everyone ejaculates regardless of their genital configuration, and that vaginal secretions and discharge are not ejaculation. People associate ‘wetness’ with vulvas and ‘hardness’ with penises, but clits get hard [or] erect and penises get wet, i.e. pre-cum. I love that wetness is celebrated in this song, but wetness is not exclusive to female sexuality, either. I’m pretty into wet-ass penis — I’m joking, but I’m not. 

As women, what have you longed to see in the conversation about sexuality, gender, and relationship that may have been otherwise misrepresented, marginalized, or erased – and how did this shape your approach to creating Carnal Knowledge? 

ZL: I have always been frustrated that most of the books I read which taught me so much were all very gendered, [like] Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot or The Multi-Orgasmic Man. I don’t feel like my womanhood shaped my approach to this book as much as my grappling with PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. I’m a straight white lady, but the anger I feel from my own sexual issues motivates me to fight for anyone who has felt erased by mainstream conversations about sex. I wanted to touch on a wide range of topics that would help people realize that there isn’t just one way of doing things, and you’re not alone in your journey. I wanted to create a book that could have comforted me in times I felt disconnected from my body and sexuality.

Elizabeth Renstrom: It’s not so much my perspective as a woman that has shaped the visuals of the book, but more an approach to sex education that Zoë introduced me to. Understanding your pleasure and not feeling like you have to be X, Y, Z for advice to apply to you influenced my approach to creating the images for the book. 

“There’s No Such Thing As Normal,” taken from Carnal Knowledge, Prestel, 2020. Photo © Elizabeth Renstrom, 2020

Could you share insights into a topic you wanted to address from a vantage point that may not have been prominent in the mainstream? 

ZL: These days I get asked about what comprises losing your virginity. Because younger people are more aware of sex toys, queerness, and ways you can have non-penetrative sex, it’s becoming more obvious that defining virginity as a penis going into a vagina is not only heteronormative, it simply doesn’t make sense. Why do we even have to define it? Well, we don’t, but if you want to identify with virginity or a lack thereof, that’s entirely up to you. I think the fact that people are asking more about this is a good sign! It means that we are able to realize, hey, *I* can define this term for myself, just like every other aspect of sexual identity.

The book has a joyful, celebratory, an affirmative approach, like a big sister who knows but doesn’t judge. Could you speak about the importance of creating an upbeat mood and tone to the text, photographs, and book design, and how this aesthetic approach is an integral part of the message? 

ZL: Sometimes when I see a thick book of text, I know I’m capable of reading it, but I keep putting it off for some dedicated “reading time” that never happens. While Carnal Knowledge is a book you can read cover to cover, you can also pick it up, read a page or two, browse the pictures, set it back down — and still learn something new! Clinical books on sex are necessary, but we aren’t all drawn in by that. While I hate to draw connections to social media, it’s clear that our brains have been trained by these algorithms to steal our time and limit our attention span. This book is sympathetic to that, while still getting you away from a screen. 

ER: I wanted the images to be a disarming entry point into the topics discussed in the book. Through whimsical propping and lighthearted compositions, I felt people would be able to take in the text Zoë wrote with additional ease. 

Can you speak about a couple of the more progressive aspects of the book that go beyond the mechanics of sex and delve into areas of our relationships with our bodies and with one another that we might not immediately think about when purchasing a book on sex education? 

ZL: The conversation around sex work within the mainstream is either nonexistent or heavily misinformed. There’s an assumption that all sex work is predatory and harmful to women and children, and there’s no distinction between human trafficking (non-consensual) versus consensual sex acts between adults where resources are being exchanged. Street-based sex workers, trans sex workers, and Black sex workers are murdered by police and civilians, and it doesn’t even make it into the news because it’s commonplace. Violence towards sex workers is sexual violence, the end. The way we treat sex workers has an effect on the way we treat each other sexually. Adults are free to do what they want with their bodies, even if you disagree with it. People shame those who sell their nudes, then go watch porn. The lack of education around what sex work is (and what it isn’t) only adds to the violence and stigma towards sex as a whole.

ER: The chapter titled “A Better Future” really drives home how sexual liberation cannot be achieved if it’s only limited to one group of people. It is on us to educate ourselves and stand up for others freedoms as well. Oftentimes people don’t consider other people’s trauma and shame, even their own, when it comes to sex, and I feel like this chapter really outlines how these things are connected and what we can do to heal and get on the path to pleasure. 

Zoë, what was your favorite chapter to research and write, and Liz, what was your favorite chapter to illustrate?  

ZL: I enjoyed writing the “Saying Yes, No, and Setting Boundaries” chapter the most because this is my weak spot. I am terrible with boundaries! My friend and fellow educator Jimanekia helped me a lot with this page. All the things in that chapter are things I know, but fail to execute in life. Writing them out felt comforting, and reminded me of an area I still need to work on. This is a perfect example of how you can know a lot about sex and still struggle with it. Owning my “no” and setting boundaries is a skill I look forward to refining as I get older.

ER: They were all such a blast, but if I had to choose my favorite, it would be the section of “Relationships.” I feel like the images feel the most cohesive because the tips center on how communication is the key to maintaining relationships. Whether that’s figuring out when to have a ‘relationship check in,’ setting boundaries, or figuring out your communication style with your partner — we all have to learn how to listen and be heard. This chapter is the one I refer back to frequently to help me in my friendships, my longterm intimate relationship, and familial relationships. 

“Saying Yes, No, and Setting Boundaries,” taken from Carnal Knowledge, Prestel, 2020. Photo © Elizabeth Renstrom, 2020

Lastly, could you share the most surprising bit of information you encountered working on this book, and why this information particularly resonated with you? 

ZL: The “Jealousy” chapter was really fun to write. While it’s not something I presently struggle with, a few years ago it was something that tormented me. While the things I wrote for this page weren’t entirely new concepts, it was certainly a new perspective. I enjoy reframing concepts that exist in sexual and romantic relationships in platonic ones because that really exposes the innards of the issue at hand. We need a network of support in our lives, and as I continue to strengthen my own, I am reminded that we relate to each other differently, and no one person can satisfy our every need. 

ER: I think the most surprising information was “Discussing Shame is Radical Act.” It’s how you create a path to your own pleasure—but it’s also how you become less afraid about discussing topics sex an intimacy. I think this book can still feel “taboo” to a lot of people, and part of that can be explained by how incredibly common it is to feel shame or humiliation in association with our desires. I apply this chapter a lot in my own discussions of sexuality — I hope it helps others too. 

By Miss Rosen

Top photo: “Love, Lust, and Attraction Are Not Mutually Exclusive,” taken from Carnal Knowledge, Prestel, 2020. Photo © Elizabeth Renstrom, 2020

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LONG-DISTANCE ROMANCE was the last thing on my mind when I joined an Internet group called Dark Witches Realm, but before I knew it, a nerdy discussion about Ada Lovelace snowballed from late-night chats to plane tickets, and now I have a bae who lives 5,000 miles away. Luckily, I have the OhMiBod BlueMotion NEX-2 Bluetooth Vibrator ($129, lovelifetoys.com). Both myself and my partner download the app, then, once approved from my end, he can express his affections by controlling the vibrator’s rhythm and speed, and even tapping, evaporating the miles in an instant. While it doesn’t replace having your partner there, it allows for some real-time, virtual intimacy in a fun way.

Check out some of OhMiBod’s other non bluetooth products:

LOVELIFE REV

PULSE III DUO
THE WORLD’S 1ST GUYBRATOR FOR MEN (SOLO & COUPLES VERSION)

RIO ANAL VIBE
VIBRATING ANAL VIBE

By Jules Abraham

This article originally appeared in the Fall 2020 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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One of the most common questions sexologists get, particularly from people with vaginas, involves the ability to have an orgasm during solo or partnered sex. Some people with this issue think there’s something wrong with them and might subscribe to incorrect ideas about how to get there. Or they don’t recognize the role arousal plays in their response.

Without sufficient arousal, orgasm is much less likely. And perhaps even more importantly, sex is much less enjoyable. What is it, though, and how can you amp it up?

In a sexual context, arousal is a physical response that changes the way you experience sensation. Arousal has a mental component, too, and involves hormones and other elements of body chemistry, but one part that’s extra-significant to sex involves blood flow. That’s what’s responsible for erection (penile, clitoral: whatever you got and whatever you call it). The way engorged tissues interact with your nerves changes the feeling of a touch, a kiss, the slide of a finger—and, as kinksters know, a slap or a pinch. When arousal isn’t sufficient, all that can feel pretty mediocre—even irritating or painful. When arousal works its magic, though, sensation opens the door to sexual pleasure.

It takes a certain amount of time for arousal to lead to orgasm. The problem some people have is that they rush it—or their partner does. Arousal-building activities can be the difference between mediocre sex and good sex, OK sex and orgasmic sex. This includes what many people call “foreplay,” a term I don’t favor because it sounds like they are working up to “real” sex. Foreplay is real sex, and many people don’t ever go on to other activities like intercourse, because oral sex and busy fingers and hot make-out sessions are all so satisfying. But skipping these things, or just running the bases without taking much time, doesn’t prepare the body for intercourse, if that’s on the menu. 

 In this context, I encourage solo play with your hands and maybe a dildo, not a vibrator, if what you’re seeking is higher arousal and orgasmic connection with a partner. If you are your own partner, vibe away—technology is a fabulous addition to modern life. But other human beings don’t vibrate; other humans have hands and other body parts. So manual self-stimulation gives you a better sense of how long you take to get very aroused, and to explore what that feels like. 

 The entire body can be an erogenous zone, and even during masturbation, zeroing right in on the crotch bypasses elements of arousal that might be really significant for you. Stroke your skin, do some self-massaging, touch your own neck and throat, stimulate your breasts, chest, or nipples, slide slowly down your belly or up your thighs towards your junk. Take your time. Breathe deeply. Move around a little; clenching your butt muscles or thrusting your hips can unlock arousal, too, alone or with a partner. 

Its role is significant even if we don’t count brain chemistry. Solo or partnered, fantasy can increase arousal—and so can erotic visuals or stories. When partners talk dirty to each other, they’re doing the same thing. 

Brains that are preoccupied with stressful topics are brains that can’t shut down the thoughts that suppress sexual arousal. Stop with the coronavirus and the argument you just had with the noisy apartment-dweller above you. Just let your awareness settle into your body and feel it. And the classic orgasm-killer is obsessing about whether you will have an orgasm this time. Don’t do that. Focus on arousal instead. 

If communicating with your partner isn’t sufficient, sometimes a therapist can help. If your arousal challenges are due to depression, medication (including hormonal forms of contraception), oncoming menopause, or other bodily conditions, a talk with a doc might be advisable. 

But before you assume there’s something wrong with you, explore your arousal. The pilot light of your sexual response might just be cranked down too low. 

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

By Dr. Carol Queen
Illustration by Stephanie Martin
This article originally appeared in the Summer 2020 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from the Sex Files in our Spring 2020 print issue, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

I was born with a displaced anus. As a child, I would often cry while in the bathroom because pooping was painful. I was told by my doctor that this issue would correct itself as I got older. Now that I’m an adult, I think it definitely has improved, but not entirely; I still have some trouble pooping at times and can feel when something is clearly stuck back there, even when I know I’m fully hydrated with water and definitely not constipated. How can I have anal sex with a displaced anus? Is it even possible? –Sad Anus

Because anus displacement can have more than one variant, I think the most careful advice I can give you is to look for a doctor who is sex-positive and well-informed about these physical differences. (You might need to hunt for such a doc—not every physician is equally butt-positive.) You don’t mention having had surgery, which is a common outcome of the more severe types of this condition, so perhaps yours is the milder variant. A displaced anus is not too uncommon, though its precise cause isn’t known; there’s more information out there about this condition in infants than in adults. I found a study seeking to establish whether there’s a connection between having a displaced anus and other pelvic organ disorders, including that of the pelvic musculature, and the pelvic floor. If that’s a possibility, it could also be associated with pain with penetration, and possibly even be responsible for the “stuck back there” feeling you have noticed.

One concern when it comes to trying anal in your situation: if you have a vagina, your anus may be closer to it than average, and then you have to be even more careful than others would about getting rectal bacteria in your vagina and urethra. Before you attempt an anal experiment, it might be wise to gently explore anal touch and insertion on your own, with a slim dildo or butt toy to start with (remember it has to have a base to keep it from sliding inside, and you’ll need lots of lube). Don’t use anything made of a hard material—no metal plugs with sparkly gems or ponytails to begin with! If you do this, go cautiously. Enjoy yourself, but don’t push through pain or discomfort: pay attention to it and respect any message your body gives you.

When you find a sex-positive, anally informed doctor, ask if there is anything about your anus and rectum that would make your experience of anal sex different (and more problematic or risky). I’d also want to find out whether you can use a rectal rinse, like an enema bag or bulb, because that could (if safe for you) help clear fecal material out, and possibly add to the comfort and safety of anal insertion.

Top photo via Pexels

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. This article originally appeared in the Spring 2020 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!  

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In Australia, where sex work is (mostly) legal, women are paying to get laid and loving it

For a sex researcher like me, Australia is a great place to conduct studies because sex work here is mostly legal. (In some areas there are conditions placed on its legality and in other places it is only “decriminalized,” but generally speaking, it is mostly legal.) This lawfully neutral environment makes it easier for folks to open up about things like buying and selling intimate services. So when I developed an interest in why women purchase sex, I simply used Google to connect with a variety of sex workers in my area. Through them, I was able to meet and interview a diverse group of 21 women (including one trans woman) about their experiences buying sex. These interviews became the basis of my doctoral project, and my exploratory study was simple: to find out what was happening behind closed doors and learn how these women felt about it. 

The women in my study stated across the board that the worst aspect of buying sexual services is the stigma attached to it. I found out more by analyzing the comments on some media articles specifically about women buying sex. This revealed that about half of the Australians who commented thought that women buying sex were brave, with one poster saying they were “feminists in action.” The remainder of those commenting thought sex should not be a commodity and women who bought sexual services were either sluts or victims of male sex workers. These dichotomized approaches—not unlike the traditional Madonna/whore stereotypes—may be because we haven’t really seen much evidence of women buying sex in popular culture, and depictions of the sex industry regularly depict female sex workers being exploited by men. 

About half the women in my study said they bought sex for therapeutic reasons. Three of these women were suffering from pain during sex (aka vaginismus) and approached sexual services as an extension of physiotherapy. Five women with sexual trauma in their backgrounds bought sexual services to practice relationship skills in a controlled environment. The other half of the study participants said they just wanted to have fun, like “Hannah” who said, “This is all about me,” and “Joanne,” who said, “I just want to be totally indulged.” 

All of the women I interviewed said they felt somehow empowered or transformed by buying sex, because it taught them how to initiate a sexual encounter and how to negotiate and maintain boundaries around consent and individual desires. These experiences represented real progress away from the sexually receptive and passive roles they had traditionally been expected to perform, and they hoped to be more communicative with future partners about what they do and do not want in bed.

I was surprised to learn that although only three of the women I interviewed identified as same-sex attracted, several of my heterosexual interviewees bought services from female sex workers because they wanted to receive a one-directional or other, non-penetrative service (such as a bondage or a special interest session), and they felt less fear for their safety booking a session with a woman. This sentiment was echoed by other heterosexual women in my study who complained about there being a shortage of suitable straight male sex workers. They reported that while there are plenty of men who advertise sexual services to female clients, many do not demonstrate a commitment to customer service and/or feel predatory. To avoid this, the heterosexual women I spoke to tended to do lots of research before buying services and then made their choices based on professionalism, reputation, and communication skills. 

On the up side, everyone I interviewed who had bought sex from a man noted that male sex workers all used condoms without complaint. They also liked that male sex workers were unlikely to reject them, ridicule them about their bodily appearance or gender identity, or foster any misunderstandings about an ongoing relationship. Additionally, these women said they didn’t feel obliged to please male sex workers or do anything they didn’t want to do.

When it comes to the main reasons why women purchase sex, perhaps “Shirlee,” one of my most experienced interviewees who has been visiting sex workers for over ten years, sums it up best. “I can have sex when, how, and with whomever I want,” she says. “But stigma steals that power.”

By Dr. Hilary Caldwell, Ph.D
Illustration by Cecilia Granata
This article originally appeared in the Spring 2020 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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Let’s face it: sex education in this country is lacking. According to a 2018 report from the Center for American Progress, only 24 states and the District of Columbia mandate sex ed in public schools (and the number that actually provide information about contraceptives is even lower). Basically, only half of teens get informed about contraception before their first time. And this was before the pandemic moved class online. So if your sex ed was lacking and virtual classes don’t help matters or if you’re just looking to learn more about sex now that you have the time, Planned Parenthood has got you covered.

For starters, they have an entire page dedicated to all their different virtual resources. Maybe you’re not sure what exactly sex ed includes (spoiler alert: it’s more than having an encyclopedic knowledge of STIs). Lucky for you, there’s a page for that. If you’ve always wondered how to talk STDs or what consent really looks like, they’ve also made a series of videos that model these situations, giving a crystal clear look of sex ed in practice. Their website will even direct you to other, non-PP resources like Bedsider, a birth control support network for women ages 18-29, and the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, which makes sure sex ed is truly comprehensive for people of all identities. These are just two of the many links provided.  

If reading articles or watching videos isn’t so much your speed (even if they are informative) or if you have a more specific question, Planned Parenthood has a sexual health chatbot named Roo. Adorable and informative? Sign us up! And because Roo takes questions from teens (and whoever has the questions) from literally all over the world, so no question is off-limits. Plus, the chatbot uses your questions as a way of learning what people want to know about. Simply by asking whatever’s on your mind, you’re making a robot smarter. Not a bad way to kill time in quarantine. 

Their website even includes COVID-19 specific safe sex practices (which basically boils down the fact that other than having sex with someone you’re living with, masturbation is the way to go). If you are having sex with a partner you live with, the website gives information on how to stay safe and limit your chance of contracting the virus. And if you’re not living with your partner, they provide info on how to still connect with them. Truly, they have it all covered. 

This pandemic has pressed pause on a lot of parts of life — there’s no reason that staying informed about sex and sexuality has to be one of them. 

Header Photo: Unsplash / charlesdeluvio

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from the Sex Files in our Spring 2020 print issue, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

I have type 2 diabetes. Even though I’m working hard to control it, I still struggle with terrible recurring vaginal yeast infections—a common side effect. As a result, I haven’t had penetrative vaginal intercourse in eight months. I know there are other ways to have sex, but this is my favorite way, and at this point even masturbation is uncomfortable. Aside from avoiding sugar in my diet, is there anything else you would suggest? –Too Sweet

If you can’t comfortably masturbate with your vaginal condition, it’s definitely a sign that the infection isn’t under control. Because it’s possible for other vaginal conditions to present similarly to yeast infections, I’d want you to make sure you’ve been properly diagnosed (and don’t have some other bug). Mentioning this to your doc will also give your physician a way to evaluate how you’re doing with the diabetes. In the meantime, don’t douche, avoid scented products, make sure your laundry detergent is unscented and hypo-allergenic, wear cotton undies only (or go commando in long flowy skirts, if you can make that style work for you), and keep your bits as dry as possible when you can. Are you on oral contraceptives? Trouble with yeast can be associated with this, and that, too, is worth mentioning to your doc—maybe a different one would work.

You can also look into products crafted with botanical ingredients, like Momotaro, which seek to handle the symptoms of yeast infections and support overall vaginal wellness. These products don’t always go through the kind of testing process prescription drugs do, and for some that’s considered a plus—but remember that any ingredients, including natural ones, can set off sensitivities. If you explore, do so with caution until you determine how your body reacts with this kind of product.

And speaking of sensitivities, your diet (beyond sugar) is worth paying careful attention to. Besides sugary goodies, sweet fruits, glutinous grains, and alcoholic beverages could be culprits. Study up on the yeast-prevention diet and try sticking carefully to it for several weeks.

When you do get back in the saddle, choose a lubricant without glycerine, parabens, and scent or flavoring agents. Good Clean Love is one company that takes vaginal health seriously. Some people with vaginal sensitivity like to use coconut oil or silicone lubricants. Again, keep track of what your body tells you!

BTW, partners with penises can pass yeast, as well as other vaginal infestations, back and forth, so when your bits are ready to engage with another human, watch out for ping-pong issues. Good luck!

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here!

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. This article originally appeared in the Spring 2020 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!  

header image by Charles Deluvio via unsplash

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The dating site Match.com boasts the slogan “start something real,” positioning itself as the most authentic version of online personals. So it’s ironic that, while gay and straight members are welcome, bisexual subscribers have to jump through unnecessary hoops—and they still don’t get to present themselves accurately, thanks to Match.com’s discriminatory practices. 

In 2014, Pink News revealed that Match.com was requiring bisexual members to pay for two subscriptions and use two profiles, one for dating men and one for dating women. In communications, Match representatives simply said, “we know it’s not ideal.” After the Pink News story, Match relented on requiring a separate fee, but they still require bi subscribers to have two profiles.

And if that wasn’t enough of a hassle, bi members can’t just make both profiles upon signing up. Instead, you must make your profile and check a box to indicate if you’re there for men or women. Then, you can email customer service and inform them of your bisexuality so a representative can set you up with a free second profile. In essence, this means bi subscribers must have one straight profile and one gay profile, but not an accurate—authentic—bi profile.

It’s hard to even find the information on requesting a separate profile. I did a fair amount of research to find out about requesting a second profile (which I did not do; I just never used my membership and let it expire). It seemed like a no-brainer that they would have more options for bi users. I kept checking my settings, thinking I must have checked the wrong box somewhere.

But I hadn’t. This practice is discriminatory and bizarre, especially since Match also owns OkCupid, which has a broader range of sexual orientations available: Match clearly has the technology to let bi users browse both male and female profiles. And if they’re accepting gay members, why should their policy on bi members be so much more complicated?

The answer points back to the bigger cultural problem known as bisexual erasure. This often manifests as the idea that bisexuality is a myth, that bisexuals are indecisive and greedy, that a bisexual is straight when with a hetero partner and gay when with a homo one. Bisexuals aren’t only overlooked by the hetero community but by queer communities as well, furthering the pain of discrimination. Who can forget the early episode of the L Word where Dana asks Alice, “When are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details.” This kind of erasure has serious manifestations: a major university study from 2019 found that bisexuals experience higher rates of depression than straight or gay people, in part because of the discrimination and a lack of community.

Another example of bisexual erasure is the #droptheb campaign which argues that, in order to acknowledge the full gender spectrum, we should stop acknowledging bisexuality. And, chillingly, an anonymous writer on the Unpopular Opinions Tumblr writes, “I think we need to take the B out of LGBT. Bisexuals have it way better than most of us in the queer community. They have straight privilege and ride on the coattails of the gay community. ‘But we have to hide our sexualities to avoid persecution too’ [they say]. No, you just hide half of it,” the blogger says, not defining what they mean by “riding on the coattails of the gay community.” This anti-bisexual sentiment from a queer blogger is eerily similar to Match’s two-profile system—the idea that bisexuals are half gay and half straight, not fully bi.

Match clearly is aware that they have bisexual subscribers, yet don’t accommodate them. Willfully obscuring the process for people like myself is even crueler than ignorance. Match has always advertised themselves as the site where people find lasting relationships, and I can’t help but think that their antipathy toward bi members has to do with finding bisexuality incompatible with long-term monogamous relationships, or otherwise treating it like a kink.

After I learned of Match’s policy, I started an online petition to encourage change. I shared the petition on my social media, and several people just recommended different dating sites, as if that fixed the problem of being unwelcome in a way that’s all too familiar. I shared my petition with a number of LGBTQIA+ advocacy groups, both on Twitter and via email, and received no replies or engagement. After all this effort, I’d only collected 20 signatures, including my own. By contrast, an online petition asking OkCupid to add more gender identity options received 1303 signatures.

The LGBTQIA+ community should strive to represent all the groups who comprise their acronym. The goal of such activism is that people can comfortably live as their chosen orientation and gender presentation. Asking Match.com to end the discrimination and let bisexual members use a single profile to browse people of all genders is a small thing. But progress is comprised of many small steps, and we go backwards when we claim to be allies but don’t call out a company’s blatant discrimination.

In part, what’s so infuriating about Match’s policy toward bisexual subscribers is that it doesn’t seem like it would take a lot of work to fix. Profiles would still be created and browsed the same way, only tweaking algorithms to allow for both male and female results. There’s no practical reason this change can’t be implemented. If Match wants to “start something real,” shouldn’t it start by letting bisexuals present themselves authentically?

Top photo by Mikoto / Pexels

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from the Sex Files in our Winter 2020 print issue, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

I’ve started dating a submissive man with experience seeing professional dommes. I’m a switch who has had kinky fantasies forever, but I rarely get to a place romantically where I feel safe enough to act them out. I’m excited to explore my more dominant side IRL, but I’m intimidated and self-conscious. Also, what if I occasionally want to switch places? –View From The Top

Fortunately, there’s lots of room in kink. It’s a super-big tent with many, many kinds of play and varying degrees of intensity. Talking and negotiating is considered big, hot fun in BDSM, so you two should be talking up a storm. What does being topped mean to him specifically? What kinds of roles are involved, if any, and what kind of implements does he like (again, if any)? What are his no-go zones? 

You’re also going to have your own boundaries, so what you’re looking for is the fertile ground in between both of your limits. This is also the time to say you’d like to switch sometimes. I’d also encourage you to tell him that you haven’t had as much topping experience as some of his other partners, but that you’re hot to learn. Just state what you don’t feel you know—that way, his consent can be fully informed. Follow up by conferring with him to determine limits; you can also do some research on your own. 

When you discuss a particular kind of play, ask what his specific safety limits are; getting specific will help address your concerns about whether you know enough about safety. Enlist his knowledge—just because you’re the top doesn’t mean you’re solely responsible for these decisions, and his experience base is a valuable source of information for both of you. 

These discussions will also help you plan out a preferred way of initiating play. You can exchange emails or texts beforehand to fully plan out a scene or just establish some baseline rules. Playing doesn’t have to end in sex, either; some folks skip the fuckery altogether.

Don’t forget that your home is full of pervertibles—things you can use as toys in a scene. You won’t have to go toy shopping till you figure out what you like to do together, if ever. A great friend of the beginner domme is a blindfold, which is super sexy even if, while your partner wears it, you’re pacing back and forth trying to psych yourself up for your next move. Not doing things can also be really hot; you can explore various kinds of restriction and withholding to make him (consensually) squirm.

Two great resources are Janet W. Hardy’s book The Sexually Dominant Woman: An Illustrated Guide for Nervous Beginners and Consensual Sadomasochism: How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely by Sybil Holiday and William Henkin. 

Your journey right now isn’t just about how to keep your pal safe and happy as you explore his fantasies. Your task is to do those things in the context of coming into your own pleasure as a dominant, so make sure you spend as much time learning what kind of domme you are, as you do figuring out what you’re going to do to and with him. Good luck, and enjoy coming into your power!

Top photo by Lucas Favre / Unsplash

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. This article originally appeared in the Winter 2020 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!  

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An issue regarding decriminalizing sex work has divided members of the National Organization for Women. Toni Van Pelt, the president of NOW, reignited the long-debated issue after testifying in front of the D.C. council last October, where she vehemently stated on the behalf of the organization that it would not support a bill to legalize sex work in the capitol.

The 72-year-old argued that, if legal, the area would become a hotspot for sex tourism and endanger women and girls. She added that the industry is “the most extreme version of the violent oppression of women.”

Although sex work or “prostitution” is inherently sexist, the industry, per se, and factors around it have changed. It no longer solely involves the stereotypical, and damaging, image of a woman (often on drugs) reluctantly waiting by the side of the road for seedy characters to pick her up and have sex with her. There are many different areas and methods of sex work nowadays, each entirely different from the other. There are “cam girls,” who can work from the safety of their own home; on their own terms and never have to meet or physically be with anyone. Likewise, phone-sex operators can completely hide their identity. There’s also porn, which has been around for longer than the internet. Stripping, dancing, and escort services are some others.

As each job varies, it’s hard to come down on all of them with the same perspective and rule out that each is dangerous and not a chosen career path of the women doing them. It’s becoming more well-known that a large number of sex-workers are just fine and more than happy to profit from whatever type of work they want. Furthermore, this economy is dire AF. Most young people are working minimum wage jobs, some having more than one, to barely survive. Not to mention, for many trans women of color, sex work is their only means of survival as working any mainstream industry is not often an option for them. So what if someone prefers to be a sex worker than a waitress? If anything, by making it legal, sex-work would become safer and less stigmatized.

And it seems as though a lot of chapter leaders from NOW throughout the country agree. The D.C. chapter responded with a letter to Van Pelt’s testimony that said, “we ask that that National NOW modify their language to reflect the terms currently accepted and used in the sex worker community and by progressive organizations that show respect for all women and their choices.” Van Pelt replied with a statement that no mother would want their daughter to be a sex worker.

Michelle Fadeley, chapter leader of Illinois, told The Daily Beast how shocked she was. “We could say the same thing about abortion. I don’t think anyone wants their daughter to have an abortion, but that is not a valid argument to not have that choice, and to not support women who choose that.” Jennie Rose D’Elia-Dufour, chapter president of Montgomery Country, MD, brought up the popular and seemingly selective “my body my choice” rhetoric. California chapter president, Kolieka Seigle, was saddened to be on the wrong “side of history.”

Fighting for sex-workers rights and for those who work in the industry to not be penalized isn’t agreeing with the patriarchy. Like anything, it will happen regardless of its legal status and potentially become more threatening to women if it’s pushed too far underground without many resources or ways to ensure women are protected. While it is a tricky subject the focus shouldn’t be on what people’s opinions on it are, it should be making sure no one is harmed or forced to become a criminal simply because of their choice to profit from this type of job.

Image Courtesy of Wikipedia 

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from BUST’s Sex section, featuring advice from sexlogist Dr. Carol Queen.

Whenever my significant other and I have sex in a position where we’re face to face, he keeps his eyes closed the entire time, and it makes me feel bad that he won’t look at me or into my eyes. Is there a good way to broach the topic without making him feel self-conscious? –Private Eyes

Dr: Carol Queen: You might just want to try saying something like, “Please look at me, I feel so close to you right now!” in the moment and follow up later with an explanation. He might not be aware he’s doing it, or he might be fantasizing; some people engage in fantasy only when alone, others do it whenever they’re aroused.

Eye contact can be difficult for some people with or without their pants on. It can be associated with shyness or social anxiety, surviving difficult experiences, and/or PTSD. It can also be a fact of life for some neurodivergent folks. Talking about eye contact might make him pretty uncomfortable, too, so be aware of that. Don’t initiate the conversation at a stressful time or when you’re having sex, but when you’re both relaxed and enjoying some togetherness.

Tell him you’ve noticed he keeps his eyes closed and that you find you enjoy sex more when the closeness of the moment can be shared with eye contact. He might find he can do it intermittently while you’re having sex; some reluctant eye-gazers find it’s easier to warm up to eye contact when they look very near the other person’s eyes.

If he’s down to explore, you might want to look at some of the practices enjoyed by our friends in the world of Tantra; eye-gazing is big with them! It’s done in a fairly ritualized way in workshops that might feel safer to explore, but for some deep-gaze avoiders, that could also be too much. See if he can express what his limits have been in the past and what he needs to feel safe to open up the windows to his soul—if not to you, at first, perhaps with a therapist.

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here!

—-

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone

Illustration by Marcellus Hall

Header Image courtesy Bird Box/Netflix

This article originally appeared in the Winter 2020 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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YOU MAY WELL have heard about the new drugs for women who are upset or “distressed” about their sexual desire—mostly, that they don’t have enough of it. One is a pill–not to be taken with any alcohol (as if!), and the other, well, it’s an injection the woman must give herself just under the skin on her abdomen (or thigh, if that seems more appealing). Aside from the debate as to whether these drugs are really any better than a placebo, and the various side effects and safety concerns they elicit, the big question is: Why does the pharmaceutical industry think there is a market for this type of drug?

Well, past surveys—many of them quite large—have reported that some 30 percent of women believe that they have too little sexual desire. So what, exactly, is the standard women think they are not meeting? Are they comparing their feelings to the type of sexual desire or “lust” they see depicted in movies and novels? The kind where people want sex all the time?

Maybe—or maybe they remember the early days of a relationship, where everything is new and unexplored. But it’s not just the media that presents us with a single image of sexual desire. Sadly, the official psychological, medical, and psychiatric teachings used to be that women and men, if they are sexually healthy, are aware of an inner urging for sex at the outset of any sexual encounter and in-between encounters. It didn’t matter if you had a busy life, with a multitude of things on your mind—if you rarely thought about sex and had very few actual longings for any sexual activity, you would be seen as being sexually unhealthy. Even if you were happy to accept or instigate partnered sex when an opportunity arose, that alone did not make up for the lack of sexual desire that, the thinking went, was supposed to be urging you on to be sexually active. And if this distressed you personally, or indirectly because your partner was not happy about your lack of “lust,” then you might well have been diagnosed with a sexual disorder. No wonder 30 percent of women are concerned about their sexual desire!

Fortunately, for the last 20 years, the consensus has grown that for both women and men, it is completely normal, and very common, to find that sexual desire can actually be triggered by the arousal that results from sexual activity itself. In other words, their desire for sex doesn’t really “turn on” until they are beginning to feel aroused during a sexual encounter. We can call this type of desire “responsive” desire. So when people speak of their enjoyable sexual experiences, it becomes clear that responsive desire and sexual arousal coincide and reinforce each other. If you experience “responsive” desire, you get aroused, which leads to more intense desire, which leads to further arousal, etc.

Nevertheless, many men and women are very aware of sexual feelings and thoughts throughout the day—which some people call “spontaneous” desire. This may be in part because they are more aware of the arousal from subtle genital sensations that arise from mild or overt sexual thoughts. Other women tell researchers that they are not particularly aware of genital responses to sexual cues and stimuli in the environment, and only come to focus on these physical, especially genital, sensations when they are actually engaged in sexual activity.

This means there is a broad spectrum of sexual desire in sexually healthy women. Some are very aware of sexual feelings from minor, as well as obvious, sexual stimuli throughout their day, and others are less aware of similar feelings until they are sexually engaged. And both “responsive” and “spontaneous” forms of sexual desire are equally valid. Fortunately, more recent definitions of sexual disorders focus on difficulties with getting aroused, or difficulties having pleasure from sexual stimulation. No longer does simply being distressed about not thinking about sex in-between times of sexual activity, and not having a specific sexual urge or desire at the outset of activity, merit a diagnosis of sexual disorder.

By Dr. Rosemary Basson

This piece originally appeared in the Winter 2020 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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 From BUST‘s Winter 2020 issue, Lisa Stardust gives astrological guidance to getting laid.

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
Elevate your relationship during the Aquarius new moon January 24, when you’ll feel chatty enough to assert your desires. Be advised, you’ll be expecting your sexual partner to intuitively know what you like during February’s Mercurial moonwalk—never a good idea. Once Mercury turns direct, you’ll come to understand that you need to sex-press your passions in order for them to properly get you off.

Capricorn
(Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
You’ll soon discover that the best source of sexual foreplay is your mouth this winter. Use your earthy oral skills to vocally express your sexual desires, and you’ll be getting off like nobody’s business during the Capricorn solar eclipse on December 26. On January 12, Mercury, Saturn, and Pluto collude to bring out your saucy side, making you an extra-horny sea goat despite the winter chill.

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
You might be unsure about taking your budding relationship to the next level, but things will become clearer (and lovelier) when Venus slides into your sun on December 20. This auspicious transit will give you the motivation you need to get serious about your boo, even though January 12 and February 16 bring up commitment fears due to the Capricorn stellium.

Pisces
(Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
Your astrological forecast has you reclaiming your icon status among friends this winter. The Capricorn solar eclipse on December 26 will bring fun your way and even a hot new crush who you’ll be smooching on New Year’s Eve. January 13 also lights your loins when Venus aligns with your sun. You’ll get a double dose of goodness during your solar return on February 18.

Aries
(Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
If you’re attached, the Gemini full moon on December 12 allows you to speak from the heart and declare your truest feelings in time for the holidays. January 3 is the optimal day to have a fun date night, due to Mars’ ingress into Sagittarius. All you single rams will be hitting Tinder hard during Mercury retrograde, which begins February 16 right after Valentine’s Day.

Taurus
(Apr. 20 to May 20)
November’s Mercury retrograde created some serious emotional upsets you’re still reeling from, but things will chill out once Jupiter moves into Capricorn on December 2. Venus’ ingress into Pisces on January 13 will give you an opportunity to reboot, allowing you to start off 2020 drama-free. Loose lips won’t sink ships once Venus moves into Aries on February 7.

Gemini
(May 21 to June 20)
After a series of unfortunate Tinder dates, you’re finally connecting with a certain special someone, but there’s a catch—you may have trouble setting boundaries around the time that Mercury, Saturn, and Pluto collide on February 12. Be sure to set limits and enforce your safe word, especially since Mercury once again begins its retrograde journey on February 16, lending itself to miscommunications galore.

Cancer
(June 21 to July 22)
The effects of November’s Grand Water Trine will be affecting you for months to come. Prepare yourself for December 13, when a Venus-Pluto conjunction will set fire to your BDSM desires; your kinky wishes could be fulfilled around January 12 with some light bondage, flogging, and hot wax. Mars’ journey into Capricorn on February 16 will only deepen your lust for restraint.

Leo
(July 23 to Aug. 22)
You’ll be channeling your inner Norma Rae to stand up for your rights and lead your officemates to success on December 2, when Jupiter enters hard-working Capricorn, and then again on January 12, when Mercury, Saturn, and Pluto align. February 16 prods you into action and possibly a protest with your colleagues—unions, anyone?—thanks to aggro Mars getting into Capricorn territory.

Virgo
(Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)
Capricorn season starts on December 21, which means you’ll be feeling extra lonely and lusty—you’ll probably find a friend with benefits to scratch that particular itch, but be careful—January 12 may bring conflicts your way. Be clear with your boundaries, and try to avoid drama during Mercury’s backwards march on February 16. It may give you the push you need to explore your desires solo.

Libra
(Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)
You’ll be on the prowl for a new romantic interest during the first week of January, but you’ll be tempted into the arms of an ex around January 13, when Venus enters Pisces. Unfortch, you’ll be tempted to fall back into old cozy but possibly harmful patterns with them once Mercury begins its retrograde on February 16.

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
Slide into a prospective lover’s DMs during the solar eclipse on December 26, and they’ll be keeping you warm all the way through the Aquarius new moon January 24. Igniting an old flame may lead you into murky emotional territory during Mercury retrograde. After flirting for several weeks with a past partner, you’re in the mood for some fresh meat on February 16, when Mars enters Capricorn.

By Lisa Stardust
Illustrations by Camille Chew

This piece originally appeared in the Winter 2020 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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The U.S. Center for Disease Control (CDC) has recently released their surveillance report on STDs, and the statistics are alarming: reported cases of gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis in the U.S. have all risen for the fifth consecutive year in a row. The number of patients contracting and living with STDs reached an all-time high last year in 2018, and it is only expected to rise for this current year.

Elizabeth Torrone, an epidemiologist with the CDC, said in a statement to CNN, “Combined [the cases] total 2.4 million infections that were diagnosed and reported just in [the] last year alone…” The agency’s number one concern is how these STDs are affecting women and children. The CDC’s state of the union address to Americans is that “too many babies are needlessly dying” specifically due to birth complications connected to pregnant women who have contracted syphilis. “Every single instance of congenital syphilis is one too many when we have the tools to prevent it,” says the report. The same concern goes for people who develop various diseases from sexually transmitted bacterial infections that cause higher reproductive system-related health risks down the road, like cervical cancer and ectopic pregnancy. Though these are genuine concerns that specifically affect the anatomically female population, why is the pressure to stop this epidemic being placed on them alone and not on men?

There are some key differences in the way men and women both contract and report their reproductive health concerns to doctors, which may reveal some insight on this gender bias. STDs are typically easier to diagnose in men than they are in women. If a woman reports experiences with discomfort or irregular discharge, there could be a multitude of causes for these symptoms, many of them unrelated to serious infections. Many women feel discouraged or unmotivated to see a medical professional about the concerns they have with their reproductive health because the discomforts they feel are so normalized and common among women; for men, on the other hand, experiencing irregular discharge or soreness is almost immediately associated with some sort of STI contraction, and thus easier to diagnose as such. Also an important distinction: in heterosexual partners, STIs are more transmittable from the man to the woman than vice versa. All this is to say that this gender bias is not simply social or cultural — it is also medical. 

All these scary statistics aside, there is a real cultural disconnect in our national dialogue on safe sex. Our national conversation about healthy sexual habits lacks the urgency and awareness it requires. I cannot remember the last time there was an in-depth, honest conversation about STI contraction in media. There have been memorable examples of characters in film and television dealing with the consequences that come with sexual activity, but the discussions almost always surround unexpected pregnancy or the contraction of HIV/AIDS — the only two results of unsafe sex practices worth worrying about, apparently.

If there are examples of characters faced with the realities of contracting other STIs/STDs, it is almost always thrown away as a joke or a one-off plotline. For example, the time Lena Dunham’s alter-ego Hannah Horvath had a near breakdown after testing positive for HPV on the first season of HBO’s Girls. Or when an episode of Degrassi showed teen characters Emma, Amy, and Alex discovering they had all contracted gonorrhea from the same boy. There are a number of other shows and films that discuss the topic, but it is a small number, considering the number of Americans who are positive for STDs. And the programs that do discuss STDs mainly focus on these experiences from the perspectives of women, femmes, and queer folk — straight men are rarely the focus.

Knowing what we know now about the demographics of those transmitting and contracting these infections, and who’s more endangered by them, it seems unfair that these narratives are putting all the pressure on these marginalized communities to have these important conversations amongst ourselves while men are left out of the conversation. If it is true that, in heterosexual situations, men are more likely to transmit to women, then why aren’t we holding more men to the fire?

We allow men to continue dangerous sexual habits when it comes to contraception use because the long lasting effects of STDs affect women directly. I can’t help but imagine if it were men who were the losers in this scenario, safer sex campaigns would be promoted and advertised across this country today. Maintaining your sexual health, whether you are positive or negative, is an important part of leading a happy and healthy life overall. Whether they are being broadcast or not, these kinds of conversations are happening everyday and should be reflected back to us to legitimize the experiences people are facing when it comes to sexually transmitted infections and diseases of all kinds.

Over 110 million Americans are living with STDs. Most of those with STDs continue their sexual activity after they are diagnosed (as they should). Not reflecting this epidemic in media, whether the story be fact or fiction, leads to misconceptions about the very present dangers of contracting these infections in our current culture. It adds to an already negative stigmatization of those who live with these infections by creating a false narrative that STIs are only contracted by those people who are deserving of them for practicing reckless sexual habits. The truth is contracting STIs are a statistical likelihood for all young people who are sexually active today. Sex and culture critic Ella Dawson has spoken about this truth in her own writing about her own experience after being diagnosed with genital HSV-1, most famously in her now viral Ted Talk about STI contraction.

The “irresponsible” sexual habits that people who have tested positive for STIs are demonized for are common sexual behavioral patterns that are perpetuated by the sex-negative culture around us. Lack of proper sex education nationwide, and the systematic cultural shame attached to sex, is what leads to poor sexual habits and misinformation about the realities of STIs and STDs. The risk of contracting an STI is always present, especially if you are sexually active with multiple partners — and women are disproportionately carrying the weight of this epidemic. It’s on all of us to use the resources available to us to practice safe sex habits without shame or hesitation. Keeping yourself and your partner(s) safe is the first step to a healthy and happy sex life, and that goes for people across all genders and sexual orientations.

Header photo courtesy of Hyttalo Souza via Unsplash

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from the Sex Files in our September/October 2019 print issue, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

Q: Whenever I travel, my crotch sets off the TSA scanner and I have to get patted down. I have a NuvaRing, but there’s nothing else in my vagina/vulva that could be confused for contraband. No piercings, nothing. I am also a large lady. Perhaps that’s a factor? Do you have any idea WTF could be going on?! It’s super embarrassing and a huge hassle. –Fly Girl

Dr. Carol Queen: Let me start by considering the NuvaRing. Since they are made of vinyl polymers and magnesium stearate (in addition to the hormonal ingredients), this should not be the culprit. Interestingly, there’s talk on the interwebs about whether NuvaRings and menstrual cups are actually visible to airport body scanners, because plenty of modest travelers are worried that the machine can see all the way up their vadges. Understandable! But apparently, they cannot. Regarding your size, ProPublica recently released a report suggesting that passengers with a higher body mass index are more subject to scanner false alarms, so that factor may be relevant.

I’m not sure what else could be causing this, but here are some other reasons folks get stopped all the time. Depending on how the machine is calibrated, bra underwires can trip the sensors, as can some jewelry, hair gizmos, and metal bits on your clothing or in your shoes. Orthopedic metals can also set off the alarm, and one study determined that a fair percentage of such travelers were asked to display their scars after being wand-scanned.

I have always meant to test these things with Ben Wa balls—a string of small marble-sized balls inserted in the vagina or anus for pleasure and/or to strengthen the pelvic floor—but so far haven’t gotten around to this science experiment, which (let’s face it) could only be done by a card-carrying exhibitionist such as myself. TBH, I got so irritated with the Ben Wa scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey that now I may never get around to it.

There’s also one more possibility to consider. Have you ever sassed back at a TSA agent when they were keeping Americans safe from your underwire brassiere? If so, it’s conceivable you made a special roster called “the 95 list.” According to The New York Times, in 2018, “the TSA created a new secret watch list to monitor people who may be targeted as potential threats at airport checkpoints simply because they have swatted away security screeners’ hands or otherwise appeared unruly.”

There’s also Secondary Security Screening Selection, noted by the acronym “SSSS” on your boarding pass, that is associated with travel to certain countries, one-way trips, and the watch list the TSA has been keeping since 9/11. You can make your way onto the list randomly, but that shouldn’t get you a pat down every single time. As per Lifehacker, “If you find it happening often, then you should try applying for a redress number. That process is specifically for travelers who are repeatedly selected for additional screening—indicating they may accidentally be on a watch list—who want to have their file corrected with the Department of Homeland Security.” Stay safe out there, people. And polite, I guess.

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here!
—

Illustration by Marcellus Hall

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

This article originally appeared in the September/October 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!  

header photo courtesy of Ross Parmly via unsplashed

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from the Sex Files in our September/October 2019 print issue, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

I’ve been reading online about “muffing”—a sex act in which the body cavities where the testes descend from are penetrated—but I’m not sure I understand how it works. Can you give me a primer? –Getting Handsy

Muffing is a hand-sex variant in which you stimulate the inguinal canals. You can look up “inguinal canals,” but be warned that you’ll initially find a lot of anatomy pix illustrated with cocks and balls, and language like “male” and “male body.” Now, you can do this kind of stimulation to a cis fella! But if you want to explore this with a trans girlfriend, you might want to check out the terrific publication Fucking Trans Women by Mira Bellwether rather than reading Wiki pages. Our friends at The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health have been inspired by her work and riffed on it at thecsph.org/wotw-muffing/.

OK, back to the anatomy. The inguinal canals are passages in the abdominal wall, and if you feel around the lower pelvis, to either side and behind where the scrotal sac attaches to the body wall (or where it would if someone was assigned male at birth, even if they do not present as male any more), the lower ends of the inguinal canal will manifest themselves as holes beneath the skin—you’re seeking dents or depressions that are sensitive to the touch. These are the routes down which the testicles descended, except in the small percentage of kids where they didn’t descend. (If that’s the case, be gentle when poking around—there might be a testicle up there.) Some people regularly engage in “tucking,” which involves popping the testicles back up in there and putting super-tight panties on so there is no testicular bulge. If you are interested in muffing such a person, you can cut to the chase and say, “Show me where your inguinal canals are,” because they’ll already know. 

These can be stroked through the skin for starters; then, if the person wants to explore the experience of inguinal penetration with you, add pressure and slide your finger in as far as it will go. There’s a specific nerve pathway there you’ll be stimulating, so the sensation is likely to feel good to the person you’re muffing. As with any bodily touch, though, not everyone likes every sensation. Take their cue about how firmly to press and how far up the canal to go. Those who tuck and/or already play with muffing will have already stretched these canals somewhat. If they’re just getting started, stretching can occur, but it might take a while. Seriously, bodies are so cool.

Top photo via The Gender Spectrum Collection by Zackary Drucker

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here!

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. This article originally appeared in the September/October 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!  

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What’s the Deal With DILFs?

AS A SEXOLOGIST, my academic interest in DILFs was piqued in the mid-2000s when my husband and I rotated pick-up duties for after-school childcare. We both noticed that many of the employees there—all women in their early 20s—were crushing on the dads picking up their kids. Although they were of varying ages, sizes, and degrees of wit and hotness, these guys all received considerable admiration from the female staff. Such was my first introduction to the DILF: the Dad I’d Like to Fuck.

These women aren’t alone in their delight for daddies. All you have to do is browse Instagram’s DILFS Of Disneyland or the hashtag #dilf to see this thirst in action. Like MILFs, fatherly folks are an increasingly popular porn niche. In 2018 the pornography website XHamster reported “daddy” as the number-one search term for women in the United States, and fourth most popular for women globally. 

The equal-but-opposite term, MILF, has been a focus of scientific inquiry for a while now, because the idea of younger men being attracted to older women with children runs counter to most theories of evolutionary psychology. Preliminary research indicates that some men want their MILFs because these women are seen as more sexually open-minded, emotionally experienced, and more likely to be the aggressor. 

Yet scientific inquiry on the DILF phenomenon is virtually nonexistent. Why would younger women find older men with children so appealing? What does it mean to be down with daddies?

That’s where I and my research assistants at the Observations and Research in Gender and Sexuality Matters Research Lab (at Kwantlen Polytechnic University in Vancouver)—aka O.R.G.A.S.M.—stepped in. For our DILF study, we randomly assigned 671 straight women to one of two groups—the DILF and the non-DILF group. All of our participants identified as heterosexual, and most participants were Caucasian, almost 30 years of age, in non-married committed relationships, with some undergraduate education.

Both groups were shown the same image of an older, attractive man we called “Jason.” All women were told that he was a 45-year-old man with a job. But one group was also told that Jason had two children (the DILF condition). No such description was provided for the second group (the non-DILF condition). Participants were then asked to rate Jason’s perceived attributes on a scale of 0 (not at all) to 3 (very), including questions about his attractiveness, his emotional skill (warmth, generosity), social skill (he likes to travel and to entertain), and his masculinity (ruggedness, dominance). We also asked about the quality of their relationship with their own paternal figure, and their interest in both a short-term sexual and long-term romantic relationship with Jason. 

We found that women rated DILF Jason higher on measurements of his emotional skills—such as whether he was capable of a meaningful long-term relationship, empathetic, dependable, selfless, responsible, nurturing, wise, mature, capable, a good planner, and healthy. Our study shows that DILFs are appealing because of their children, not despite them. But we were surprised to find that this was the only difference in how the two groups evaluated Jason. Women rated both DILF and non-DILF Jason equally on attractiveness, masculinity, and desirability for short-term sexual and long-term romantic relationships. We know the DILF phenomenon exists—so what gives?

It’s possible that our results are evidence of what’s called a ceiling effect—meaning that our Jason was too attractive, and was rated so highly by both groups that there wasn’t any room to go higher in the DILF group. It’s as if Jason was a 10, and our scale didn’t go to 11.
It’s clear that more research needs to be done, perhaps using a more average-looking Jason. We’ll be continuing our study of DILFs to discover what makes them such thirst traps. It’s a hard job, but someone has to do it. So, who wants to volunteer?

By Cory L. Pedersen, PH.D.
By Illustrated by Janet Sung

This piece originally appeared in the September/October 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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Feeling good, but still a bit unsure heading into September and October? Our astrologer Lisa Stardust has got you covered!

Virgo

(Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)
The lesser-known sensual side to your normally hyper-prudent personality will want to come out to play starting on September 21, when Jupiter and Neptune square off. Pluto’s return to forward motion on October 3 brings out your hedonistic desires—even pushing you to attend a sex party, a consensual BDSM soirée, or a make-out event aimed to expand the mind while embracing your inner kinkster.

Libra

(Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)
Mercury and Venus connect with your sun on September 14, giving you a flirty vibe and the confidence to swipe right. The new moon September 28 falls five days after your annual solar return, offering much to celebrate—especially on October 8, when your planetary ruler Venus enters passionate and exploratory Scorpio. Your birthday wish may involve some dark (and fun) desires.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
The full moon September 14 will make you feel as if your storied past of lusty nights has gotten too routine. Luckily, October 3 and 8 will bring back your taste for sexual adventure, when Mercury and Venus align with your sun. The new moon on October 27 falls a few days after your solar return on October 23, making your birthday extra sensual.

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
The full moon in Pisces on September 14 may send you into a tailspin around partnerships. While you’re focused on giving 100 percent to others, September 21 asks you to check if you’re receiving, too. What about your needs, bb? Self-love is your cosmic message right now. Don’t despair, dear archer! Pluto’s encouragement on October 17 gives you the stamina to get your groove back once and for all.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
It’s time to integrate the lessons learned during this summer’s eclipses into your daily vibe. September 28 offers you the opportunity to consciously uncouple with those who aren’t at your emotional level, when Saturn links up with the south node of destiny. On October 3, Pluto, which is aligned with your sun, starts moving forward, unmasking life-altering truths and deceptions that began around April 24.

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
Your finances take a hit during the full moon in Pisces on September 14. Don’t be tempted to ask for a loan from a friend on September 21, as it may prove to be more emotional effort than it’s worth. October 27 offers a reset button around money matters, thanks to a new moon that will offer you not only extra cash but also a lucrative professional advancement.

Pisces

(Feb. 19 to March 20)
1, 2, 3, 4, you declare a tug-of-war in matters of the heart. September 2 is especially intense due to warrior planet Mars entering your house of partnerships, followed by expansive Jupiter and elusive Neptune offering you contradicting and confusingly passive sentiments around love. October 19 pushes you to take your power back within relationships—you’ll be craving control and dominance over others.

Aries

(March 21 to April 19)
You’re in the mood to sweet talk through September, particularly on the 14, when Mercury and Venus add flirty vibes to your already fiery demeanor. The new moon on September 28 in Libra will make you feel submissive and like letting someone else take charge. Being a bossy bottom has its perks, but you’re ready to get back on top during the full moon in Aries on October 13.

Taurus

(April 20 to May 20)
Flirting and sexting will serve as foreplay with your crush starting on September 10. While you often love over-the-top declarations of love, you’re not feeling the rapture until October 8, when your planetary ruler, Venus, enters steamy Scorpio. The new moon occurring October 27 in Scorpio allows you to engage in your favorite activity—being wrapped up in the sheets with your one and only.

Gemini

(May 21 to June 20)
The Pisces full moon on September 14 sets off a chain of anxiety that reaches its boiling point during the Jupiter-Neptune square on September 21. While the first half of October offers you a momentary emotional reprieve from the chaos, honest archer Jupiter exposes the clandestine activities of others on October 14 and 17, which will shake you to the core.

Cancer

Cancer
(June 21 to July 22)
A change would do you good, Cancer! Fortunately for you, September 18 and 28 force you to make karmic decisions around who you trust, as Saturn ends its retrograde journey from April 29 and links up with the south node of destiny. Think that’s a lot? Pluto’s forward motion on October 3 forces you to cut out those who aren’t serving your highest purpose.

Leo

(July 23 to Aug. 22)
While you’re known for your oversized ego, you’re learning to take a step back from being too extra to give adulting a try. September 14’s full moon and the Jupiter-Neptune square on September 21 are urging you to quiet your passions for the time being. The Scorpio new moon on October 27 is in your fourth house, which means your dreams are transforming and blossoming.

By Lisa Stardust
Illustrations by Camille Chew

This piece originally appeared in the September/October 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from the Sex Files in our July/August 2019 print issue, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

My long-term partner wants to get his cock pierced, and I don’t want him to. I know it’s his body and he can do whatever he wants with it, but I also feel like I should get a say, since we’ve been monogamous for over a decade. I don’t want to make a big deal about it or make him feel bad, but I also feel compelled to let him know that a piercing like this is definitely not my aesthetic preference. How should I handle this? –Cock Blocker

One way to approach him about semi-permanent alteration is to discuss function over aesthetics. In other words, what’s it going to be like to play with that blinged-up dick? Clearly, you have a dog in that race. Some folks with vaginas really dig cock piercings and find the extra sensation pleasurable, but not everyone does, and you’re well within your rights to consider how your experience could go. There will be a sensation change during sex for both of you, and either of you might like it or not so much. There can also be issues during intense sex; beyond just a change in sensation, vaginal and especially rectal mucosa can be delicate, and it’s possible to do some damage. Depending on the size and positioning of the jewelry, it may be very noticeable to you. That includes oral, and you’d need to take care not to chip any teeth. 

You might note that it’s possible for a pierced penis to be sensitive to body fluids, and if you have or ever choose to get an IUD, opinions vary on whether a penis piercing could interact in a problematic way with the IUD’s strings. Under some circumstances, and this is one of them, he might need to adopt condoms for all or most insertive sex play. You could tell him the possibility of side effects worries you; many people have gotten trouble-free piercings, but if something goes wrong, it’s a gnarly place for infection, scarring, allergic reaction, or nerve damage. 

Besides all this, have you asked him what he seeks to get out of a piercing? It’s possible that he thinks you’d dig it and doesn’t realize it might be a turn-off. His reasons might be his own—as it is, as you note, his cock—but just in case he’s thought mostly about pros and hardly considered cons, this is a talk you ought to have before he heads down to the piercing parlor. And if you decide not to exercise penis veto power, make sure he visits someone who’s registered with the Association of Professional Piercers. –Dr. Queen

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here!

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. This article originally appeared in the July/August 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!  

Top photo by Kimia Zarifi on Unsplash

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As is the tech sector, the sex industry is notoriously dominated by men. The mashup of both industries, dubbed “sex tech,” represents a 30 billion dollar business including everything from sex toys to apps that track your period. Traditionally, the sex industry has catered to male identities, with women’s sexuality being an accessory intended for a man’s pleasure.

But concepts of sex and erotica are perpetually evolving. And women are here to break the stigma and claim their right to sexual pleasure, as well as a share of that 30 billion: an increasing number of sex tech startups are led by women. And one of these women-led businesses that promises to help you sing soprano (i.e., climax) is Dipsea.

Courtesy of Dipsea

Dipsea is an app-based platform for sexual wellness that includes “audio stories and experiences that are real, elevated and feminist.” Founded by former brand and design strategist Gina Gutierrez and former technical product strategist Faye Keegan, the San Francisco-based startup officially launched December 2018 and has secured $5.5 million from investors.

“We want to empower women to tap into their sexuality more easily, and on their terms,” Gutierrez, Dipsea’s CEO, told BUST. “Listening is fun and sexy, but it also helps shape listeners’ understanding and communication of their own interests, helps partners find new intimacy, and cultivates greater self-love and confidence.”

Considering the increased demand for audio content in addition to the void of adult content specifically designed for women, Dipsea is entering the market at an opportune time.

Gina Gutierrez and Faye Keegan (photo courtesy of Dipsea)

The idea for Dipsea was born from the use of another wellness app, Headspace. Gutierrez was listening to the meditation and mindfulness app when it occurred to her that many conversations with her friends were spent talking about sexuality and the limited number of sources for erotic content crafted for women. In this meditative moment of higher consciousness, Gutierrez had a realization she shared with Elle — that “audio could be used in such a deeper way for storytelling, and those two ideas clicked together,” she said. “Faye and I were off to the races researching everything about female sexuality and how this could work.”

While in the process of developing the app, Gutierrez and Keegan, Dipsea’s CTO, learned that 90 percent of women use “mental framing,” or using one’s imagination to create sexually stimulating scenarios. “Audio is amazing because it’s imaginative; it requires you to paint a picture in your brain that’s very stimulating and it’s super intimate and very personal,” Gutierrez told TechCrunch.

While concepts of female pleasure are concentrated on physical stimulation, mental stimulation is often overlooked, yet equally important. “It was interesting how little attention we felt was being paid to the mental aspect,” Gutierrez told Elle. “So what we really wanted to see was a mind-first approach to sexual wellness.”

Courtesy of Dipsea

The variety of Dipsea’s content ranges in time, mood and perspective and includes narrative sexy stories as well as guided audio instruction. Stories will expand with the latest round of capital. Some stories are categorized as “date night pregame”; others are “hot and heavy,” and then there are ones for when you want to “relax and unwind.” Three stories are included with a free trial, then users have the option to purchase a subscription for $3.99/month, annually, or $8.99/month on a monthly basis.

Plans for global expansion are in the works. “We’re excited to broaden our access to more listeners,” Gutierrez told BUST. “We’re now on iOS and Android — we just released on Android on August 15th. We’re currently available in 5 countries: The U.S., U.K., Australia, New Zealand, and Canada, and that list is only growing.” And that increased access “means continuing to tell more diverse stories that even more people can hear themselves in and connect to, whether in across things like sexual preferences, interests, and stage of sexual life.”

Courtesy of Dipsea

The app’s name can be attributed to the Dipsea Trail, a well-known path in the Bay Area where the friendship between Gutierrez and Keegan blossomed before they became business partners. On a metaphorical level, the name conjured the idea of “being able to ‘dip’ your toe into a ‘sea’ of stories, or dive right in headfirst.”

Since its inception, Dipsea has seen many incredible developments. Raising their seed round, launching the app, hitting 100k downloads and producing over 100 original short stories “were all moments we tried to pause and really take in,” Gutierrez told BUST. Aside from these milestones, feedback from listeners has not only been rewarding but invaluable for the app’s success. “We’ve heard from married people, trauma victims, people exploring their sexuality, and everyone in between about the impact the product has on their self-understanding, their relationships, and their sex life. We have so much data to work with, alongside listeners’ feedback, that has made us increasingly better at creating content people love.” 

Header photo courtesy of Dipsea

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from the Sex Files in our July/August 2019 print issue, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

Q: As someone who’s too cheap to use a vibrator, I use my hand to masturbate. I lubricate using saliva, but what’s the best lube for solo use? –Horny in Brooklyn

Dr. Carol Queen: Let no one denigrate the sexual allure and competence of the human hand! It’s a great design for self- or partner stimulation; like many excellent vibrators, it has a variety of features to maximize enjoyment. It doesn’t vibrate (unless you strap a vibrator to it), but so far, no automatic sex toy creator has figured out how to add a design feature that compares to five flexible fingers powered by the neurology of your brain. Regardless of the contents of your wallet, masturbating with your hand is a time-honored choice.
Using saliva as lube has a long history, too, but it often dries up before you’re done. There are also those times when your mouth is dry, whether that has to do with dehydration, pot use, antihistamines or other meds, or a health condition. Having some lubricant on hand can allow you to go longer, faster, or harder, and it minimizes friction and irritation.
Lubricants come in four basic types, five if you include enhanced styles like flavored lubes. I don’t recommend flavored lubes for solo play at all, and some of the other enhanced types (heating/cooling and other sorts that alter sensation) are not for everyone. Start by finding your preferred base first. Water-based lubricants come in liquid and gel consistencies. Silicone lube is thin and very slick, and a little goes a long way. If you save up for silicone sex toys, silicone lube might not be compatible with them, so watch out. Cream lubricant is primarily water-based but has a bit of silicone as well; of the lot, it may be best for exploring the line between friction and slipperiness, if you do enjoy a little friction. It will eventually absorb into the skin like a lotion. Since you’re in Brooklyn, I’d suggest a field trip to Babeland, where you can get a sampler pack. Talk to the well-informed staff there about your choices. Then go home and do a little research! 

As far as handy household substitutes go, skip mineral oil and all its relatives like makeup remover and Vaseline. These are petroleum products, and they’re drying. Don’t use anything with added chemicals, including scents or alcohol—that means most hand lotions and hair conditioners are off-limits. The safest household agents of slipperiness can be found in your kitchen. Some people enjoy using olive, coconut, almond, or similar oils. These oils are incompatible with latex, so if you have safer sex with a human, remember not to use those. Another reason to have lube around!

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here!
—

Illustration by Marcellus Hall

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

This article originally appeared in the July/August 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!  

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Ear-gasm

DID YOU KNOW there are podcasts that aren’t just about murder? It’s true! In fact, the sheer breadth of shows out there about sex and relationships means there’s something for every taste, from mild to wild. But these, dear reader, are the best. So, strap on your headphones, lie back, get comfortable, and put these ‘casts in your earholes. 

Awkward Sex and the City with Natalie Wall

Comedian Natalie Wall knows firsthand that sex is almost never the flawlessly executed, mutually satisfying, and sweat-free event that TV and movies would have you believe it is. That’s why she and her friends and fellow storytellers are here to demystify supposedly sexy experiences and make you feel way less alone in the hellscape of modern dating and sex. Plus, it’s hilarious. Lucid dream jizzing? Sign us up.

WHOREible Decisions 

Mandii B and WeezyWTF host this wildly sex-positive and wonderfully raunchy podcast for all of the self-styled sluts out there. They cover everything from doulas to dating as women of color, along with some truly insightful interviews about sexual surrogacy, sugar daddies, and hetero cis men who fetishize trans women. We dare you to listen to their interview with adult performer, fetish expert, and “erotic touch masseur” King Noire in public without blushing.

Sex Ed with DB

In each episode of Sex Ed, Danielle Bezalel talks with five different folks in the Bay Area about sex and intersectionality and how we can trade in the shame-y nonsense for facts that make us feel strong and ready to access the pleasure we deserve. Tune in to Season 2, Episode 10, “Porn,” to hear from organizer and educator Era Steinfeld about finding what turns you on in adult film, seeing different bodies on screen, editing what you consume, and discovering what impact the industry has on kids as they learn (or don’t learn) about sex.

The Dildorks

Bex and Kate are self-described “sex nerds” who talk about all things sex-positive, queer, and kinky, with a heaping dose of masturbation. Each episode provides a quick rundown on all of the erotic topics of interest that week, which can range from hypnokink to banging while baked to Pokémon. Check out their two-part episode, “Nutbusters,” in which they tackle the wasteland of sex-negative myths, including the one where your vagina becomes a flapping, gaping hole if you put too much inside it.

How Cum

Comedian Remy Kassimir started How Cum in pursuit of the orgasm she’d never had. To figure out why, and how to make it happen, she interviews sex educators, reality stars, and sex workers, applying their advice along the way. In a world where the big O is the end-all, be-all in pop culture, it’s awesome to hear people blow that theory out of the water, humanizing all kinds of sex (including, yes, sex with yourself!) and intimacy along the way.

By Chanel Dubofsky
Illustrated by Anshika Khullar

This piece originally appeared in the July/August 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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Need some guidance heading into for July and August? Our astrologer Lisa Stardust has your back for Cancer and Leo season! 

Cancer
(JUNE 21 TO JULY 22)
The solar eclipse in your sign on July 2 will push you to express your truest sentiments, leaving you feeling vulnerable outside of your protective crab shell. Being exposed proves challenging, especially when secrets are revealed in all your relationships thanks to the lunar eclipse July 16. Luckily, Virgo season begins August 23, and it will help you navigate your problems without closing yourself off.

Leo
(JULY 23 TO AUG. 22)
This is going to be a summer of making it work, starting on July 1, when go-getting Mars aligns with your sun. You’ll get an extra push when Venus enters your house of dreams on July 3, and you’ll be manifesting your visions by July 27, when Venus connects with your sun. You’ll be making money by the sensible Virgo new moon on August 30.

Virgo
(AUG. 23 TO SEPT. 22)
Expect a flare-up of friendship drama during the solar eclipse on July 2. You may feel like your crew is acting like the cast of Mean Girls, but the lunar eclipse on July 16 will make it easy to kiss and make up. By August 21, you’ll reconnect with your friends when Venus meets your sun, two days before your solar return celebrations kick off.

Libra
(SEPT. 23 TO OCT. 22)
Your fundamental beliefs are radically changing this summer, forcing you to reevaluate both your professional and personal lives during July’s eclipses. It might be difficult to keep those scales balanced under the new moon on July 31, but you’ll be primed to shatter any glass ceilings standing in your way by the full moon on August 15. You are the sign of justice, after all.

Scorpio
(OCT. 23 TO NOV. 21)
The July new moon will make you reevaluate your relationship to work, which will be illuminated by August 15’s full moon. That’s when a past project will pop up, allowing you to revisit a professional dream from four years ago. Your love/hate relationship with work will finally chill, and all professional drama will clear up by August 18, inspiring you to unleash your creative talents.

Sagittarius
(NOV. 22 TO DEC. 21)
This summer will illuminate how you, the lover of all fun and freedom, deal with other people. Both July eclipses make it clear that you’re caught in the sort of bad romance that would make Lady Gaga proud. Think about any commitments you manifested around April 10, when Jupiter began its retrograde—you’ll be opening up those relationships when Jupiter’s retrograde ends on August 11.

Capricorn
(DEC. 22 TO JAN. 19)
Relationship insecurities will surface this summer as seasonal shifts start to surface, but the solar eclipse on July 2 will allow relationships to deepen if you let go of fear, little sea-goat. Letting yourself be free to love who you want will cause anxiety during the lunar eclipse July 16, but revolutionary Uranus’ retrograde on August 11 will revolutionize how you manage and maintain partnerships.

Aquarius
(JAN. 20 TO FEB. 18)
Prepare to be haunted by past paramours when Mercury retrograde resurrects them from July 7 to July 31. July 31 brings a new relationship ‘tude, and you’ll know if you want to let these blasts from the past hang around or if it’s time to call an exorcist by August 11. The new moon on August 30 will inspire you to embrace your sexiness.

Pisces
(FEB. 19 TO MARCH 20)
The solar eclipse on July 2 may make you feel like you’re floating on cloud nine. Under August 15’s full moon, your passions will rise, allowing you to take pleasure and find solace in your secret fantasies and desires. The new moon August 30 will have you swimming through a bevy of lusty emotions, making your often-melancholy blue Piscean seas shine with happiness throughout this summer.

Aries
(MARCH 21 TO APRIL 19)
Beware the temptation to gossip when Mars enters Leo on July 1. Then, get ready for the lunar eclipse in feels-heavy Cancer on July 16 to expose old wounds for you to face head-on. Your tongue proves mightier than the sword on August 19, when Mars moves into analytical Virgo—carefully choose your battles, and end old ones with a quip worthy of Dorothy Parker.

Taurus
(APRIL 20 TO MAY 20)
Your earthly desires will come to light during July 2’s solar eclipse, and you’ll feel bullish about exploring your hidden role-playing fantasies by the time the lunar eclipse rolls around mid-July. Just when you think you’re about to explode, Mars’ ingress into the pleasure center of your chart on August 18 fires up your erogenous zones and senses. Enjoy your summer of hedonism and play carefully.

Gemini
(MAY 21 TO JUNE 20)
Summer lovin’ will have you feeling more like a kitten with a whip than beach-blanket ready. The eclipses in July stimulate your need to take control in the boudoir. The weather may be hot, but things will reach a feverish pitch inside under the full moon August 15. Start shopping for thigh-high boots worthy of worship now. Don’t forget to keep it safe, sane, and consensual.

By Lisa Stardust
Illustrated by Camille Chew

This piece originally appeared in the May/June 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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It’s 2019, and yet for some reason transportation companies in major cities, like the Metropolitan Transit Authority in New York City, prohibits ads talking, or even just hinting, about sex toys.

Dame Products, a female-centered sex toy company, is suing the MTA, accusing them of sexism. According to a statement on Dame’s website, they had been approved by the MTA in September for ads featuring their vibrator products, and after investing $150,000 in their campaign, they were rejected by the MTA just three months later. This is important to note because Dame will suffer significant economic losses because of this advertisement rejection.

In a timeline shared to BUST, Dame Products submitted their “tasteful” ads to the MTA on October 3, 2018, and received provisional approval from the MTA two days later. On November 2, Dame submitted their final ad after getting creative feedback from the MTA. 24 days later, Dame received word via proxy that the MTA was unable to run the ad’s content, and would be releasing an updated Q&A regarding advertisement guidelines. On December 3, Dame received their final nail in the coffin, saying that the MTA has never and will never work with “sexually oriented businesses.”

“The MTA cited its own “updated guidelines” preventing “sexually oriented” businesses from advertising,” the statement says. “This made us wonder: Why are pharmaceutical and supplement companies like Hims, Hers, and Welleco allowed to advertise on the subway?”

The ad, shown above, simply showcases Dame’s small, but mighty vibrators, with the tagline, “Toys, but for sex.”

According to a Fortune article, Dame’s lawsuit cites that the MTA has approved ads for birth control pills, the infamous Museum of Sex, and even erectile dysfunction, which suggests the double standard of it all. MTA can advertise about sex, but not the pleasure behind it?

In a statement posted on Wednesday, the MTA said: “The MTA’s FAQs about its advertising policy clearly states that advertisements for sex toys or devices for any gender are not permitted, and advertising for FDA approved medication — for either gender — is permitted.”

It’s important to note that advertisements for products like Thinx, a company that sells period underwear, were plastered on subways across America (remember the tastefully placed grapefruit photo?). The “Hims” ad was a photo of a flaccid cactus with the tagline, “hard made easy.”

Hims ad photo courtesy of Daniel Battan

How is this any different, or even better? I understand not just adults ride the subway, but these ads are tasteful and important to folks who use sex toys for pleasure. How can a company flourish if their advertisements won’t be shown in a place where people may see their products the most?

Top photo: Courtesy of Dame Products

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With a lilac backdrop and adorable icons next to words like “cervical mucus,” the FEMM app is millennial kryptonite. Easy to scroll through and undoubtedly aesthetic, the fertility app is meant to help users “get pregnant or avoid pregnancy” by inputting information about their periods, emotional states, sex lives, medication, and more. It’s too cute to feel clinical. The daily check-in feels like a diary entry, a guided exercise in self-reflection—self-care instead of a doctor’s appointment.

Who knew far-right, anti-abortion Catholic activists had their fingers so firmly on the pulse of youth culture?

A May 30 investigation by The Guardian reveals that behind FEMM’s stellar graphic design are an anti-abortion CEO, backing by extremist Catholic funders, and on-deck healthcare consultants who are either unlicensed in the U.S. or flat-out not OB/GYNs.

Were the app purely used for women to keep track of their cycles, the politico-religious views of its leadership may not have mattered. But, as CEO Anna Halpine explained in a 2017 YouTube interview with anti-abortion channel Life Network Foundation Malta, once women enter in their information, “the app then gives them personalized feedback about their health, their body, and the health choices that they want to make.” This includes referring users back to their own doctors and health centers.

Halpine first gained notoriety in the Catholic world following a 1999 UN speech advocating for “a right to abortion, sexual rights for children, and the removal of parental oversight in sexual matters” on behalf of global youth. Appalled by such deplorable ideas, Halpine founded the World Youth Alliance (WYA), according to The Catholic World Report, an organization dedicated to hyper-conservative ideals with a strong anti-abortion bent.

Now it shares an office with millennial-friendly, lilac-background, let’s-talk-about-the-consistency-of-your-vaginal-discharge FEMM.

Furthermore, FEMM’s 2017 financial statement, the most recent disclosed on its website, indicates that the organization received a total $618, 653 in contributions that year. More probing on behalf of The Guardian revealed that a significant portion of that funding comes from the Chiaroscuro Foundation, a nonprofit headed by notorious anti-LGBTQ, anti-abortion conservative Sean Fieler. Providing just under $3.7 million to FEMM between 2013-2017, their $445, 500 donation in 2017 made up approximately three fourths of the year’s total contributions. Maybe, just maybe, there’s something in FEMM’s mission that Fieler can find to agree with?

Maybe it’s the fact that despite appearing like any other fertility tracker—potentially particularly attractive to liberal youth given its “millennial” style—FEMM promotes a life free of the recommended contraceptives. You know, like condoms and birth control pills. Though you’d never guess it from the sweet, little tap through menus asking about how you’re feeling that day, a simple browse of the FEMM website reveals clear statements advocating for reliance on fertility cycles to avoid or induce pregnancy, rather than standard birth control methods.

A Centers for Disease Control and Prevention study cited by The Guardian marks this to be one of the least effective methods of birth control, with 24% of women experiencing unwanted pregnancies.

The FEMM website, however, falsely claims: “FEMM is just as effective but more attractive because it does not risk unpleasant side effects and also empowers women to monitor their health. An investigation of high contraceptive discontinuation rates proposes that women want a method that is both effective and free of side effects, two conditions that FEMM satisfies.”

Statements like this make it unsurprising that the “medical advisers” advertised by the application don’t really hold up—one being a family practitioner rather than an OB/GYN, another lacking a U.S. medical license. No FEMM medical practitioner has the legal means to practice in the United States, most being based out of Chile, according to The Guardian.

Without clearly marketing itself as an anti-birth control app, skewed information is spread insidious ways, hidden in plain sight. Take the questions on their online FAQ. One asks, “I’m on hormonal birth control to manage my irregular cycles, is that good?” FEMM answers with a strong ‘no,’ writing, “Birth control pills disrupt or suppress natural hormone production.” The anti-birth control, anti-abortion framework behind this popular app is not something that an average user would notice when purchasing or even using the app, but it’s there, lurking, in every analysis of information and every piece of and advice that’s given out.

Cleverly tucked away in crafty wording, donations, and the annals of their website, FEMM is peddling risky birth control methods to an unsuspecting audience. Now you know: don’t be one of them.

Top photo screenshot via Life Network Foundation Malta

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We’re bringing you advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen

Q: I am in my 40s and I’ve had a full hysterectomy. I have very spontaneous sex for pleasure with no strings attached and usually with guys who are my age. I realize age might create some physical changes or challenges when having sex, but I’m baffled by how many guys I encounter try to have sex while still soft—just fumbling around while everything is like mush. I’ve tried everything: fighting gravity (standing up), tons of magic potion (coconut oil), going fast, going slow. What’s with being in our 40s? –Sick of Softies

Carol Queen: I’m reading two separate dilemmas here. There’s the “bodies-change-with-age” issue, which all of us will have to learn more about if we’re lucky enough to live that long, and a separate but linked issue, namely, “This is what sex means to me.” I think to you, sex means fucking. That can be a delightful sexual variation, and I’m all in favor of it, as long as everyone in the bed wants that to happen. 

It’s well understood in the sex therapy world that some guys find erections to be less reliable as they age. And while not all folks with penises begin experiencing that as early as their 40s, it’s not unusual. There are a variety of reasons, from hormone shifts to emotional elements like body image or post-divorce trauma, for instance. Then, there are the lifestyle factors. There’d be way fewer Viagra prescriptions issued if everyone would get some exercise, stop eating fatty food all the time, quit smoking, and slow down on the booze. If you’re meeting your boys in bars, that might be a built-in complication right there. Circulatory and neurological conditions (diabetes is both at once), depression, and the medications that treat these conditions, all can interfere with erections. 

We sex-positive cheerleaders have been telling guys for years not to freak out when they don’t get hard right away. So it stands to reason that anyone seeking to have sex with them shouldn’t either. I’m concerned that you’re experiencing partners’ best efforts at foreplay and alternative sex acts as “fumbling around,” and I wonder if you can either appreciate these sensations in a different way or guide partners to things you like better. Instead of feeling you up, say, tell them that it’s OK to go inside. Fingers are a fine sexual appendage and get you closer to your ideal state. Ask, too, if there’s anything special that gets him going. Foreplay isn’t a one-way street, and there may be specific things that will get some of these fellows more turned on. If you find that communicating clearly with someone about what gives you (and them) pleasure doesn’t work, consider switching to the next guy on the list. You could also try looking for younger partners. 

Keep a stash of disposable cock rings around for your Mr. Right Now. A stretchy ring, pulled over not just the shaft but also below the balls, helps keep blood that flows into the penis from flowing right back out. And while it’s not guaranteed to give somebody an erection, it can play a role and be fun to put on.

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here!

—

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone

Illustration by Marcellus Hall
This article originally appeared in the May/June 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

Header Image courtesy of Annie Spratt via Unspashed

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from the Sex Files in our May/June 2019 print issue, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

How do I get over my apprehension about squirting? I can feel the pressure, and I want to, but I find myself waiting to finish with my partner, then releasing into the toilet. –Juicy Lucy

This is a common enough problem that some people who wind up being happy squirters confess that apprehension about bringing all this wetness to the party used to shut them down, even to the point of being unable to come at all. You’re hardly alone, and there are definitely ways to get past this fear. For starters, can you identify the core concern? 

Does your partner know anything about the g-spot and ejaculation? Have you talked to them? If not, perhaps it’s time. If your sexual response includes squirting, you have to distance yourself from your sexuality to prevent yourself from doing so. “Waiting to finish” doesn’t sound like exuberant, mutual responsiveness, and if your partner is into you and your pleasure, they likely want you to feel all the feels. (If they aren’t invested in that? That’s another letter and another answer entirely.) Perhaps begin by telling them, “I think this is part of how I respond, and I feel like I have to hold it back with you because I’m nervous about how you’ll feel about it,” and go from there. There are great g-spot resources out there if your partner isn’t clued in. 

Prevent the wet bed easily with a moisture-resistant blanket like the Liberator Throe, or, if you don’t have access to a washing machine, you can use disposable underpads like Chux. Just put them underneath your butt and squirt away; you can toss them afterwards, and your mattress stays dry. 

Orgasm, including squirting, is an out-of-control few seconds. But it’s also a completely natural process. It’s a build-up and release of tension, and for a significant subset of us, that includes emitting at least a little bit of fluid. Gosh, if we were porcupines, we’d start off by pissing on each other! There’s seriously no shame in this, especially if nobody has to sleep in the wet spot. Let the pleasure flow.

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

Top photo via Flickr Creative Commons / Alejandro López 

This article originally appeared in the May/June 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!  

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Dining at the Y

THE ORGASM GAP is real. Recent research suggests that in hetero relationships, women are having as few as one orgasm for every three their guys experience. For those who want to boost these sad stats, here are some tips from lesbian sexpert Alex B. Porter for both giving and receiving better cunnilingus. Share these pointers with someone who gives you a ladyboner, and you’ll be closing that orgasm gap in no time.

Top 5 Tips for Givers

1. Yes, your hygiene counts. Believe it or not, the vagina is cleaner than the mouth, so have a rinse or chew a piece of sugarless gum before diving in. Wash your hands, make sure your nails aren’t going to snag on anything sensitive, and take off your jewelry. Keep facial hair clean and neatly groomed. 

2. Know what’s down there. Get familiar with vaginas, especially the clitoris. Learn about pleasure points inside and out and how they compare to those of the penis. No cunnilinguist is worth their salt if they don’t know the lay of the land.

3. Pay some lip service. Don’t just dive in and start lapping away! That moment you first go down is when your partner will feel most exposed, self-conscious, and anxious. Reassure them that this is as pleasurable and exciting for you as it is for them. Kiss and tease the surrounding areas before going anywhere near the clit. A little stroke, grope, and a few kisses around the navel go a long way in maintaining a feeling of connectedness.

4. The hood is good. That little piece of flesh that protects the clit allows you to distribute stimulation more evenly than direct contact, which helps build arousal. It’s also super useful for anyone with an extra-sensitive clit. Pinch the hood or lips with a finger and thumb to create a barrier between the clit and your tongue, then lap it up with long, slow strokes and swirls.

5. Think variety, then rhythm. Experiment with different strokes, speeds, and pressure so you can discover what gets your partner off without straining your tongue. Once you and your partner have found the rhythm for destination climax, keep it steady and consistent. Don’t change anything until after they either orgasm or indicate a desire for something different.

Top 5 Tips for Receivers

1. Prepare down there. The first step to reducing fear and anxiety is to pee and perform some basic hygiene. You’re probably fine without this step (skip the flowery douches, please!), but if you’re at all worried, a shower can help calm your nerves.

2. Get comfy. Make sure the room temperature is right and you’re lying comfortably. Same goes for your partner. Get out the pillows and cozy up.

3. Concentrate on breathing. If you’re rigid and tense, you won’t be able to relax, so loosen your muscles and focus on breathing. Visualize every breath traveling down your body though your pelvic region and to your clitoris.

4. Communicate. Your partner can’t know what feels good unless you let them know, right? So, speak up. If you’re shy, use noises or movements to express yourself. Try guiding your partner’s head if your partner is comfortable with that; hold it in place and press yourself against them if they’re OK with it. This is a great way to give guidance, and it can be sexy as hell.

5. Demonstrate and participate. Playing with yourself while your lover watches can be extremely hot and it allows you to show them what gets you off. Once they get down to business, lend some helping fingers to expose your clit to their tongue.

Remember that sex is a two-way experience and there are no set rules except consent. Ditch your expectations, open your mind, and get exploring! 

By Alex B. Porter
Illustrated by Beatrix Urkowitz

Alex B. Porter is author of the new book The Cunnilinguist: How To Give And Receive Great Oral Sex (Independent Publishing Network).

This article originally appeared in the May/June 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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Need some guidance heading into May and June?  Our astrologer Lisa Stardust has your back!

Taurus
(April 20 to May 20)
Others will pay tribute to your tenacity in May and June. The new moon on May 4 and Venus’ alignment with your Sun will give your charisma major oomph, allowing you to embrace your inner Cookie Lyon. Your normally fierce and productive attitude will be heightened by the new moon on June 3, followed by Venus’ ingress on June 8, squashing your insecurities. 

Gemini
(May 21 to June 20)
It’s time to let loose, Gem! Just like your fellow twin, Marilyn Monroe, all eyes will be on you May 21 when planetary ruler, Mercury, connects with your Sun the same day as your solar return. Bring the best gift of all—yourself—to the party on June 16 to celebrate your glamour and sex appeal.

Cancer
(June 21 to July 22)
The earthy new moon on May 4 will have you feeling as kick-ass as Sandra Oh in Killing Eve, but it may come at a cost. You’ll be crushing it in all areas of life, but your relationships could feel the sting of jealousy on May 9, due to Venus and Pluto’s cosmic clash. Luckily, your solar return will help you bounce back quickly.

Leo
(July 23 to Aug. 22)
You’ll be primed to take the chance of a lifetime on June 16 when lucky Jupiter and dreamy Neptune connect. Get ready to go all in on the biggest bet of all—yourself. Evoke Midge Maisel and seek out adventure, freedom, and passion to ignite your professional dreams. Embrace your aspirations, sexuality, and charisma. If you gamble on your future, you may win big.

Virgo
(Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)
Mars’ entrance into the networking sector of your chart May 15 motivates your drive for success, boosted by the Sun’s position on May 21. June 16 brings confusion around existing commitments, with no thanks to Jupiter and Neptune’s wishy-washiness around love and romance. You will feel extra glamorous on June 21; like Virgo queen Beyoncé, your high confidence will enable you to rub elbows with the rich and the famous.

Libra
(Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)
You’ll be feeling extra kink-curious in early May, thanks to the new moon on May 4 and Venus’ forward movement on May 15. If you’re already an old hand, perhaps it’s time to explore some new grooves. The Sun’s ingress on May 21 will make it easy for you to openly discuss your newfound sexual desires, perhaps even getting involved in online discussions about sexual freedom.

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)May’s lunar vibe will push you to cultivate new relationships, courtesy of May 4’s new moon. Look into joining a moon circle, online or IRL, around June 3. There you’ll find a safe place to discuss gender issues, menstrual cramps, relationship hang-ups, fears, and sexism with witchily-inclined peers. Expressing your emotions may be hard, but you will find your crew to be trustworthy. 

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
The theme of May and June is work, work, work, work, work (with respect to Rihanna). Connecting with colleagues in May will boost your career vibes and earning potential, possibly resulting in a sweet raise by June. Keep your boundaries firm when it comes to coworkers, but don’t be afraid to inspire those around you, especially when office morale takes a dive.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
Dedicate your time to helping others in May through volunteering—might we suggest Planned Parenthood or something similar? It could turn into a real passion project, and although service is its own reward, it could also lead to a budding flirtation with a likeminded individual on June 4. Mercury will boost your confidence throughout June, helping you achieve the career and relationship of your dreams. 

 Aquarius

(Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
An unsavory sexist comment on social media pushes you to take a stand to defend yourself and throw low-key shade at an unjust cause. Channel your inner Courtney Love and clap back on the full moon May 18. Your friends will come to your aid May 21 through June 16, allowing you to feel extra supported by your crew. 

Pisces
(Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
May 9 brings higher-minded activities to the forefront of your mind, encouraging a spiritual makeover and transformation under the new moon June 3. Your spirit will be flying high throughout June, but June 21 will have you feeling extra edgy and ready to take on the night in latex and sky-high heels. Yes, Pisces, you’re definitely no wallflower. 

Aries 
(March 21 to April 19)
It’s time to get your groove on! The new moon on May 4 and Mars’ shift into your house of adventure will inspire you to take a leap of faith when it comes to your latest crush. June 16 is high time to express your desires within relationships and even plan a magical rendezvous with your beau, thanks to Jupiter and Neptune’s positions in the sky.

By Lisa Stardust
Illustrations by Camille Chew

This piece originally appeared in the May/June 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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IT’S BEEN NEARLY 50 years since the United States Supreme Court decided Roe v. Wade, the landmark case that protects a woman’s right to abortion. The 1973 ruling didn’t guarantee your abortion access, however; instead, it set up a legal framework that lets states regulate the procedure and timelines—ostensibly in the name of “protecting” your health and the viability of the fetus.

In short, while your choice may be constitutionally protected, in the decades since Roe, anti-choice legislators have chipped away at abortion rights at the state level. Lawmakers also passed the Hyde Amendment in 1976, which prohibits the use of federal funds to pay for abortion, except to save the life of the woman, or in the case of rape or incest. This means Medicaid doesn’t cover most abortions.

And now, things could turn even more dire. Before his election in 2016, Trump declared that women who end their pregnancies should face “some form of punishment” should abortion be outlawed in the U.S. He later recanted on this statement, but his actions continue to speak volumes. Last year, Brett Kavanaugh—alleged sexual assaulter and Trump’s contentious choice for the U.S. Supreme Court—was appointed to the bench, tilting the judicial branch of the government even further right. Kavanaugh replaced Justice Anthony Kennedy, a more moderate judge who often served as an important swing vote on reproductive issues. 

Kavanaugh’s appointment likely means the continued erosion of our reproductive rights at the state level. Worse, Roe v. Wade itself could face possible peril. For example, last year, Iowa passed a so-called “heartbeat bill,” which would make it a crime for physicians to perform an abortion if a fetal heartbeat is detected. An ultrasound can pick up such heartbeats as early as six weeks into a pregnancy—a point at which most women don’t even know they’re pregnant. The ACLU sought and received an emergency injunction to prevent the bill from becoming a law, but anti-abortion activists have said they hope this litigation creates a pathway to challenge Roe. 

So, what can you do if abortion becomes inaccessible where you live? It’s frightening, but don’t panic. There are alternative means to get the health care you need. Long before Trump, women were creating access routes both within and outside of the medical establishment for gynecological care. Not just for abortion, but also for birth control, pap smears, and other services. In the pre-Roe era, underground networks of women such as the Jane Collective—a Chicago-based group that focused on creating alternatives to unsafe illegal abortions—formed to help women avoid disreputable black market health services. Today, while such networks still exist, there’s also a modernized framework of organizations focused on digital resources and online activism. Read on to learn about all the ways you can hack your reproductive health care, no matter what this administration sends our way.

Finding Financial & Travel Help

Abortion remains legal, but in some areas the law is basically a technicality because it’s so damn hard to find a clinic. Several states have only one, including Missouri, Kentucky, and West Virginia. And especially if you live in a rural area, you may need help getting to the closest abortion provider. “Thousands of women in California still find it nearly impossible to act on [their abortion] rights without a struggle,” says Justine Jennings, finance and operations manager for the California-based organization ACCESS Women’s Health Justice, which connects people to clinics through funding and transportation. Access—be it geographical or financial—“is everything,” Jennings says.

ACCESS is just one of many groups that have partnered with the National Network of Abortion Funds, a coalition of 70 chapters fundraising in 39 states to help you get the care you need no matter where you live. For example, if you need an abortion and struggle with the cost, NNAF executive director Yamani Hernandez advises that NNAF will help pay for the procedure and, in some cases, will also partially cover the cost of child care, transportation, and lodging. “People need hotels and homestays, that is pretty much what abortion funds provide,” says Hernandez.

Going The DIY Route

If accessing a clinic is out of the question, you may want to take the abortion pill instead. NNAF and other organizations like Planned Parenthood can provide access to and information about self-managed abortions (these are abortions performed outside of a medical setting, typically at home). The most common form of self-managed abortion is RU486—aka the “abortion pill.” Hernandez cautions that it’s “important for people to understand the legal risk” of pill-induced abortions, including laws in Texas, Missouri, Louisiana, Arkansas, Idaho, Utah, and West Virginia that prohibit “telemedicine abortions,” i.e., the remote distribution of abortion pills. Still, she adds that NNAF believes it’s important to educate everyone on their use. “We provide directions on how to use the pills on our website,” she says. 

To legally obtain the abortion pill in the U.S., you need a prescription, and many women are able to get it by visiting Planned Parenthood. But for those unable to get to a clinic there are online options. A quick Google search will result in multiple ads for the pill from internet pharmacies that often ship from India. Some people order them through veterinarians, since the same meds are used to induce abortions in dogs. The pills are also available over-the-counter in Mexico. 

If you are considering a self-managed abortion, however, especially in a state that bans telemedicine, Dena Robinson of the reproductive justice training org If/When/How advises you get legal advice first from a group such as the SIA Legal Team, which specializes in these issues. “Get in touch with attorneys well versed in the criminalization of abortion,” she says. “It’s important for folks to at least understand, minimally, what’s led to other folks being criminalized.” 

For more guidance and support, check out Women Help Women, a Netherlands-based online resource that offers info on self-managed abortions. Or try Women on Waves, an international organization that can  facilitate an abortion if you live someplace where it’s altogether outlawed. The group is famous for its Abortion Ship Campaign, in which early-term medical abortions are performed at sea, free from any country’s laws, but the group also has online tools anyone can use including training manuals, videos, and an app that educates on pills and self-managed abortions. Robinson says she sees such groups as the future of the abortion rights fight. “The [modern] underground network has a different look to it because so many people are able to obtain pills on the internet,” Robinson says.

Getting Birth Control & Screenings 

Of course, you have other reproductive health care needs—abortion is only one element. Birth control, STD testing, pap smears, and mammograms are equally important, and too often out of reach. If you rely on Planned Parenthood, that accessibility gap will only widen if the organization, which operates more than 600 health centers nationwide, loses additional federal funding.

There are other ways you can access these crucial services, however. Groups such as Access Women’s Health Justice and the Abortion Care Network supplement Planned Parenthood, providing free and low-cost resources for counseling, birth control, prenatal care, pap smears, infertility treatments, and STD testing. “Some of our clinics provide primarily abortion services and others operate more like an OB/GYN family practice, offering a broader range of services,” says Nikki Madsen, ACN’s executive director. “Because there are so few clinics left, these places provide the majority of abortion and contraceptive care services in their areas. If an abortion provider closes its doors, it’s difficult to open another clinic, so we’re particularly focused on expanding access to contraceptive care,” she says.

If you’re seeking care at an independent clinic, Madsen advises you thoroughly vet the location you’ve selected. “It’s important to make sure it is in fact a real clinic,” she says. “Many anti-abortion fake health centers are located near independent clinics and have purposely chosen very similar names as a way to confuse people.”  A real clinic, she says, “will talk with you openly” about options, prices, and other details. “If you don’t hear a supportive voice or you aren’t given straightforward answers to your questions, call another clinic,” she says.

If travel is out of the question, check the internet for online resources. The NURX app, for example, offers free and low-cost birth control, a critical resource if you’re under 18 and seeking contraceptives without parental consent. Likewise, it can be a vital resource if you live in an area where a pharmacist refuses to dispense birth control or an employer refuses coverage. The app, which operates through a network of legitimate doctors and pharmacists, also sells low-cost HPV-testing kits.
 

Lending a Helping Hand

If you don’t need an abortion and already have access to reproductive health care, now is the time to thank your lucky stars and get to work helping others. It’s crucial we all chip in to help make such services safer and more readily available to everyone in the future.

There are many ways to help, but if you’re feeling creative, try the Abortion Access Hackathon. Shireen Whitaker founded AAH in 2016 so innovators could pitch ideas for tools to address the online harassment of clinics and pro-choice websites. The initial event in Davis, CA, yielded big ideas as tech developers, law students, designers, and healthcare professionals brainstormed digital tools and apps that help prevent internet harassment and improve reproductive care access.

One of its most successful outcomes was #ExposeFakeClinics, a social media campaign designed to uncover “crisis pregnancy centers”—unlicensed, unregulated clinics that  deceive women in an effort to counsel them against getting an abortion. 

The Hackathon’s next event in San Francisco drew hundreds and produced multitudes of ideas, most of them now in the beta stage, including a Siri-like app that will let users tell it the last day of their period—and in return find out how far along a pregnancy is and where to get an abortion. Another app, also still in beta, will streamline the process of vetting volunteers for abortion access providers and pro-choice organizations. Both are expected to be released later this year.

A new Hackathon is in the works, and in the meantime, there are still ways to participate—even if you don’t have an idea to pitch. Do you know a little coding or simple HTML? Are you a whiz at social media? Volunteer time, skills, and other resources to do something as simple as setting up a clinic’s website or helping with their social media. “There’s a digital divide with organizations that are stretched too thin,” Whitaker says. “Tech could solve so many problems. People are organizing on social media and on Facebook,” she says, adding that in a post-Roe world, these sites could help educate and protect the legally vulnerable.

Speaking of being legally vulnerable, if you’re organizing for abortion access, it’s advisable to bypass texting and email. Instead, Whitaker recommends encrypted messaging apps such as Signal. “Activists at Standing Rock used Signal to communicate without interference ,” she says. 

Whatever your mission,  remember that the internet is forever, so post wisely. “Not leaving an electronic trail when researching or obtaining an abortion isn’t just something for a person to consider once abortion is illegal,” writes Robin Marty, author of Handbook for a Post-Roe America. “For a significant number of pregnant people, even obtaining a legal abortion is something they would like to keep as private as possible, and they may prefer not to have a partner, friends, or family members know about the pregnancy or procedure.” Marty suggests using an encrypted cell phone instead of a computer as a primary research and communication tool and removing personal information (such as your home address) from public databases whenever possible.

But if privacy concerns are not an issue for you, you may want to use social media for activism and education. For example, Lindy West’s #ShoutYourAbortion social media campaign used Twitter as a way to digitally curate experiences around abortion and highlight real stories at the center of the debate. Launched in 2015 in the wake of cuts to Planned Parenthood funding, the campaign has since grown into a powerful online fundraising tool (shoutyourabortion.com) and a book by the same name.

Similarly, Andrea Grimes partnered her favorite snacks with a hashtag to raise money for abortion funds.  Grimes tweeted to her followers, inviting them to take part in her #TacoOrBeerChallenge. To participate, people filmed themselves eating a taco or drinking a beer (or both) and then donating to an abortion fund. “I made a video and said, ‘Here’s me eating tacos, drinking beer, and donating to abortion funds,’” she says. “Then it just snowballed.” That first year, supporters raised over $30,000 via the campaign. The fundraiser is now hosted annually by the National Network of Abortion Funds.

If the concept of starting your own activist campaign seems overwhelming, Grimes advises you to start small. “Take your lead from the grassroots organizers already on the ground. Find your local abortion fund and plug yourself in where you can—chances are, they’re hosting volunteer trainings, happy hours, and other events in your community,” she says. “Ask what they need most and help make it happen.”  

By Rachel Leibrock
Illustrated by Lan Truong

This article originally appeared in the March/April 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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New York State Passes Groundbreaking Laws For Reproductive Justice

The Contagious Diseases Act (here by shortened to the CD Act, because as important as it is…it’s one hell of a mouthful) came about in part due to the rapid rise of prostitution in Victorian England. Prostitution was the fourth largest occupation for working women* and it grew along with the boom of the British Empire.

This bombastic empire expansion led to thriving new trading routes and soon, British sailors were bringing home ships full of tea, textiles, and venereal disease. Yep, you have to take the bad with the good, and one of the prices for this exciting new empire? An exciting new STI! Sailors picked up VD from their travels and then spread it back in Britain when they arrived home after a long time at sea and in need of some company…

The disease spread quickly and became an epidemic. Parliament needed to do something to control the situation and fast! So in 1864 they covertly passed the Contagious Disease Bill.

The bill allowed for any person suspected of being a “common prostitute” to be forced into submitting to an internal genital exam by a male doctor.

Here’s the thing: the law only applied to women.

The examination was humiliating and painful. It would later be described as ‘surgical rape.’ Countless female sex workers found themselves subject to this ordeal.

Even worse, there didn’t need to be any evidence for a woman to be accused and therefore internally examined. This resulted in many women who were not sex workers having to undergo the examination. With both the accusation and their examination now public knowledge, these women found their reputations destroyed – they became “ruined women,” and their chances for a hopeful future were vastly diminished.

Parliament renewed the CD Act in 1866 and again in 1869, increasing the penalty for not submitting to a genital exam to 3-6 months in prison with the possibility of hard labor. This was later raised to 6-9 months to help the women ‘become clean.’

Over the course of the Act’s frequent revisions, hardly any of the public knew about it – though it affected 50% of the population, it remained a secret. That was all about to change.

Elizabeth Wolstenholme

In 1869, a meeting about the bill was held at Bristol’s Royal Hotel. At this meeting was women’s suffrage campaigner Elizabeth Wolstenholme. She was shocked to hear about the CD Act, which had now been in effect for almost 5 years.

Elizabeth saw the CD Act as a violation of women’s rights and made it her mission to raise public awareness. After leaving the meeting Elizabeth contacted her friend Josephine Butler and asked for her help. Butler was a social reformer and women’s rights campaigner who had previous experience working with and campaigning for the rights of women working as prostitutes.

Josephine Butler

Butler and Wolstenholme toured the country giving speeches about the Act. To say this is shocking would be a huge understatement: a woman talking openly in public about sex in the Victorian era was shocking and seen as deeply concerning. Yet the speeches worked. The women sparked something and people started talking, and when people started talking, they became outraged.

Soon Butler and Wolstenholme formed the Ladies’ National Association for the Repeal of the Contagious Diseases Act (LNA for short) and in doing so arguably became two of the first publicly known feminists. Though women before them had previously fought against slavery and war, this was the first time in British history that women were fighting for all women’s rights and women’s sexual rights at that.

(pic)

In 1869, the fledgling LNA published a petition with 124 signatures calling for a repeal of the CD Act. Two years later in 1871, they produced another petition calling for the repeal – when it was handed in to the House of Commons, it had to be laid on the floor as there was not a table that was large enough to hold it. Groundbreaking doesn’t even cover it.

The LNA worked tirelessly over many years to end the CD Act, but that wasn’t all Butler and Wolstenholme did – in fact, from the start of the Contagious Diseases Act to its end, both women did an extraordinary amount:

IN 1886, THE CONTAGIOUS DISEASES ACT IS FINALLY REPEALED.

*Though a reliable estimate of the actual amount of women working in this field does not exist, we can see that throughout the 1840s and ’50s the number of women working in prostitution was rapidly growing.

This article originally appeared on F Yeah History and is reprinted here with permission.

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A GUIDE TO SMALL-TOWN, FEMINIST-FRIENDLY SEX SHOPS

THESE DAYS, THERE are vibrating cock rings for sale at your local drugstore and vibes abound on Amazon, but if you prefer a more intimate and guided experience, small boutique shops should be your first stop. Unfortunately, not everyone can just pop into ?Babeland or Good Vibrations on their lunch break. What should you do if you want to support independent, female-owned, brick-and-mortar shops, but you live in a small town? Well, you’d be surprised what you can find—and we’re here to help. Here are seven feminist-forward, sex-positive shops in places you might not expect. 

The O!zone: Boise, Idaho
1615 S Broadway Ave, Boise, ID 83706
In addition to offering a wide variety of high-quality condoms at her store, founder Caryn Thompson works with cancer treatment clinics in Boise to provide special products, resources, and information for women being treated for cancer, especially those who are no longer producing estrogen or vaginal lubricant after breast cancer treatment. “We’re a conservative state,” Thompson explains. “There are a lot of people who never bought anything for their own intimacy until they were in pain. Pain finally got their attention.”

Thornes of Concord: Concord, New Hampshire
140 N Main St, Concord, NH 03301
Thornes is too small to host workshops, but the staff works hard to educate customers as they browse. “When we hire here, we are looking for people who are nonjudgmental and open-minded,” store manager Cristie Williams says. Thornes also carries many organic, phthalate-free, and medical-grade products.

Blue Boutique: Ogden, Utah
3365 Washington Blvd, Ogden, UT 84401
Founded by a husband-and-wife team, Blue Boutique has four locations and offers body piercing at the Ogden store. They have a robust Instagram presence that will give you a sense of what the store is like IRL, including the luxury toys they currently have in stock.

Intimates Boutique: ?Naples, Florida
2083 Pine Ridge Rd, Naples, FL 34109
Intimates Boutique, founded by Lorene Sizemore in 1983, is a family affair; she left the store to her son and daughter-in-law Tim and Ally Sizemore, who now share ownership with employee Sonia Williams. Over time, Intimates ditched magazines and DVDs in favor of a more welcoming experience that focuses on female pleasure and health.

Groove: Gilbert, Arizona
1044 North Gilbert Rd, Gilbert, AZ 85234
Phoenix-area residents have their pick of not one but two local Groove shops at their fingertips. The husband-and-wife-owned stores sell a wide range of books on everything from rope play to female ejaculation, an eye-opening variety of toys that go beyond basic vibrators (e-stim, anyone?), fetish gear, and more.

Suit Your Fancy: ?Kalispell, Montana
280 Second Ave, Kalispell, MT 59901
Amy Jaeger, who opened Suit Your Fancy in 1997, says Montana “is conservative, so we have been very careful in the way we present ourselves. We focus on women and couples.” Staff members teach customers about new products when they come in, and they carry unique jewelry made by Jaeger’s silversmith husband.

Sultry Adult Boutique: ?Huntsville, Alabama
11531 Memorial Pkwy SW, Huntsville, AL 35803
Tiara Trudeau-Gullotta opened Sultry Adult Boutique to bring sexual health education and products to Huntsville. The shop’s standout offering is Sultry Sunday, a private, guided experience that can be tailored to a customer’s needs. Shoppers can get one-on-one advice about which supplies to buy and how to use them, lingerie fittings, consultations on BDSM, post-menopausal intimacy guidance, and other tutorials with wellness coaches.

Story by Cecilia Nowell
Illustrated by Sofie Birkin

This article originally appeared in the March/April 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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How To Find Your WHOLE Clitoris (…Yeah, It’s More Than You Think)

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This Flexible Vibrator Offers A World Of Stimulation At A Nice Price

The word clitoris derives from the Greek word kleitoris which means “little hill”. For two millennia, we have thought that our most sensitive organ, which has no other purpose than to make us feel good, bears resemblance to a little hill. This, my friends, is depressing. Our clitoris is so much more than a little hill. Let me tell you how to find your clitoris, your whole clitoris.

Cygnet is two and a half. I don’t remember when he first found his penis, but it feels like a long time ago. I doubt he was even a year old. Cygnet and his willy are now very good friends. “Mummy, my willy is standing up” Cygnet will say. “What are you doing to your willy?” I ask. “I’m poking it” comes the response.

Brilliant!

Boys are lucky. Their sexual organ is a dangly toy to be discovered and played with from a very young age. Our girls are not so lucky. Us women have to explore, research, read and venture. The focus of sex education at school is on how to avoid having a baby, the male orgasm is key. It’s all about ejaculation.

The clitoris is a mystery. The clitoris is a new land, uncharted territory. However well acquainted you are with your clitoris, I guarantee there are facts here that you never knew. Here’s how to find your clitoris.

The clitoris is not required for reproduction. Yes, I know, you knew that! In fact it’s sole purpose is to make a woman feel good. The clitoris contains approximately 8000 sensory nerve fibres – that’s twice as many as a penis. Cool huh? So, why is it that the penis gets all the attention? The clitoris should be the star of the show, but instead she is hiding in the shadows.

Textbooks, professional medical guides, the internet, magazines, sex education in schools (that’s if the clitoris is even mentioned) wrongly assert that the clitoris is the size of “a fingertip”, “a pea”. The plethora of misinformation is mind blowing. Science has been woefully inadequate when it comes to mapping the clitoris.

In 1998, yes 1998!, just nineteen years ago, the urologist Dr Helen O’Connell used magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) to discover the clitoris. She discovered that the majority of the clitoris is actually within the pelvis. It is far more internal than external and consists of two shafts or legs up to ten centimetres long and two glans. The clitoris looks more like a “wishbone” than a “pea’. I borrowed Cygnet’s felt-tip pens and I drew you a diagram:

The most brilliant thing about the clitoris is that the super-sensitive magic button on the outside triggers the entire clitoris which stretches up and inside. The glans of the clitoris wrap around the vagina. When aroused they swell and grip the vaginal wall.

In 2009, yes 2009!, eight years ago, the world’s first 3D sonography of a stimulated clitoris showed how the erectile tissue of the clitoris engorges the vagina. The so called vaginal orgasm is in fact an internal clitoral orgasm. I drew you another picture:

Now I don’t know about you, but I am disappointed that I have never heard of Dr. Helen O’Connell before. Through Dr. O’Connell’s work, science is gaining a new perspective and a more accurate understanding of the anatomy of the clitoris, but more importantly, through Dr O’Connell’s work, us women are getting the chance to have a better sex life.

How on earth are we supposed to gain real pleasure from something that we don’t even know that we have, or that we don’t know to her full extent? How on earth are our sexual partners supposed to know?

Dr Helen O’Connell should be an international heroine. Her head should be on bank notes. Instead, she has this little visited website, which, and I don’t mean to insult her (she is after all my new-found heroine) looks somewhat amateur. If ever there were a reminder of the phallocentric world that we live in, it is the fact that the discovery of the entire clitoris has passed unnoticed.

Go forth ladies, go and find your clitoris, your whole clitoris.

This piece originally appeared on The Single Swan and is reprinted here with permission.

Top photo courtesy of Charles Deluvio via Unsplash

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from the Sex Files in our March/April 2019 print issue, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

My partner and I are interested in chastity play, but after a day or two the device slips off his genitalia. We’ve bought many devices and always find the same problem. Because he is a “grower,” the size of his penis can vary. Can you suggest a chastity device we can use for long-term play? –Locked Down and Loving It

In order for you both to enjoy chastity play—a BDSM practice where someone wears a device around their genitals, either short or long term, for the purpose of orgasm denial—finding the right equipment is crucial. Many cock cages attach just over the shaft, and a shrinking violet would indeed slip right out of those, so you might want to try a device with a built-in cock ring. A cock ring is best worn over the shaft and testicles, and including the balls can add some stability. Look for a soft and stretchy one that can grow with him or cling to him when he’s soft, rather than a rigid one-size-fits-all type. Don’t size or affix the cock cage when he’s hard because it’ll be too large when he softens up. If this doesn’t work, you can also consider a harness. These could be a little looser when worn long-term because the harness won’t allow the device to slide off. 

It’s important to consider whether or not your partner can take care of bodily functions while wearing the device and if it can be worn for long periods of time without chafing and/or causing physical damage. Softer materials are better for long-term wear, but they can be especially prone to slippage. A tighter ring might be the answer, but even a skin-friendly material can be risky for long-term play—watch out for chafing, pinching, bacterial or fungal growth, and, if too tight, cutting off blood flow. 

I’d consider custom-designing a harness that will hold one of the commercially-available cages securely on your partner, or even designing something from scratch. BDSM toy companies or stores can often refer you to someone who makes custom gear. You can also ask on relevant message boards or websites like lockthecock.com. Personally, I’d make a two-pack of lock-on cock ring underwear that looks much like the fabric harnesses made by SpareParts; the comfy fabric wicks moisture away, and you could use something like this to stabilize the cock cage.

Whatever you choose, the cage must be removed a minimum of a couple times a week for a thorough cleaning. Make sure everything is dry when it goes back on. 

The Gritty Woman offers some experienced commentary about sizing your ideal penile chastity device that considers dangers to look out for, like actual blue balls, as well as addressing some of the fitting issues you and your slippery eel of a partner have confronted. Good luck!

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

This article originally appeared in the March/April 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!  

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from the Sex Files in our March/April 2019 print issue, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

I can’t find any useful advice on how to best enjoy sex as a really thick-thighed individual. All I seem to hear is missionary, cowgirl, and doggy-style positions, and it’s hard to do doggy style when your partner’s dick is not long enough to compensate for the space your ass takes up. I don’t want to be limited to two positions, so what can I do? –Thick Thighs Save Lives

Anything that allows for deeper penetration may help you in your quest to get as much of your partner as you can. Wedges like the Liberator may allow for angles that your two bodies alone don’t achieve, both for missionary and rear-entry positions; slide one under your partner’s hips for a variant on the reverse cowgirl that angles their hips up, allowing for maximum accessible penis length. You can also try a sidesaddle version of cowgirl that involves sitting on the dick or dildo with both legs on one side (not straddling) and leaning back on your arms, which are on the other side of your partner’s body.

Give missionary a twist with the position known as splitting bamboo. Lay on your back while your partner is straddling one of your legs, and then wrap the other leg around their waist or rest it on their shoulder. Shifting around in this position might result in even more depth, so give it a wiggle and see. You could also try scissoring, wherein your bodies essentially make an X that positions the genitals together at a completely different angle and might provide more depth. 

Then there are the sitting positions like face-to-face, yab-yum, and sidesaddle. People often do face-to-face on a chair so your legs can fit on either side of your partner, and you can snuggle as close as possible. In yab-yum, your partner sits cross-legged, with you in their lap facing them and your legs wrapped around the small of their back. This is a slow, intimate position, and its success, like some of the above options, partly depends on how flexible your hips are. Sidesaddle doesn’t have that drawback. Your partner is sitting on the sofa with their feet firmly on the floor, and you sit sideways on their lap, not spreading your legs unless you want to. This is like the reverse cowgirl variant above, only using actual furniture.

Everyone’s body is different, and not just in thickness, so play around and see which ones do you right. Don’t forget that anyone can wear a strap-on, even if they have a flesh-and-blood dick; a longer dildo can help you explore new positions together. Sex toys: they’re life hackers! 

Top photo via Unsplash

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

This article originally appeared in the March/April 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!  

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Unsure what to expect this March and April? Our astrologer Lisa Stardust’s got you covered.

Aries 
March 21 to April 19

March 20’s full moon will shine a light on your relationships. Avoid arguments around March 31, when feisty Mars will spur you to express your truest feelings—especially during the new moon on April 5. If your tongue slips, don’t worry! The full moon on April 19 and Venus’ alignment with your sun on April 20 will have you kissing and making up in no time.

Taurus 
April 20 to May 20

When revolutionary planet Uranus connects with your sun on March 6, your need for independence may trigger massive shifts within friendships. The new moon that same day will awaken your third eye, encouraging you to let go of those who are not serving your most honorable needs. Venus, your planetary ruler, has your back on April 20, allowing you some much-needed healing and protection from frenemies. 

Gemini 
May 21 to June 21

After a long and dreary Mercury retrograde, which finally ends March 28, you’ll be thirsting to escape mundane tasks and run for the hills. When adventurous Mars aligns with your sun on March 31, you’ll be in the mood to seek out excitement and adventure, especially because the new moon on April 5 will bring new friends, fresh energy, and an invigorated lust for life.

Cancer 
June 22 to July 22

With the new moon renewing your perspective on March 6, you’ll be in the mood to expand your horizons; by the time the full moon rolls around on March 20, you’ll be ready to abandon your old mindset entirely. This may cause issues with others during the new moon on April 5, but the full moon on April 19 will affirm your inner vibrations, sweet moon child.

Leo 
July 23 to Aug. 22

Uranus hits your professional landscape March 6, triggering some ch-ch-ch-ch-changes in your career, but don’t roar just yet! You’ll be able to sweet talk your way back into the good graces of your boss on March 31, courtesy of a boost from Mars. The sun will light up the professional sector of your chart on April 20, taking your calling to new heights.

Virgo 
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

An ex will swim their way back into your heart during Mercury retrograde on March 5, but that will come to a swift end when the retrograde ends March 28th. The new moon on March 6 brings the promise of love—just not with your ex. April 30 may make you feel stuck, as the south node of destiny’s karmically-inclined aspect to Saturn makes it difficult to release past hurts.

Libra 
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

With all the planetary changes causing drama within partnerships in March and April, you’ll need to focus your energies on yourself. March 31 brings the chance to reconnect with your spiritual beliefs, which will open your eyes to your true desires. These realizations will be crucial on April 5’s new moon, when you begin to figure out what you really want from the folks around you.

Scorpio 
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

As Mercury starts its retrograde journey March 5, an old acquaintance piques your hunger for excitement. Be forewarned—communication will wreak havoc on your friendship on March 6, as Uranus brings a storm of chaos. When your planetary ruler Mars switches signs March 31, the flirtation will end, and you’ll be ready to leave the past behind by the time Venus hits Aries on April 20. 

Sagittarius 
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

March and April serve as a wake-up call for you to take control of your professional aspirations. With Venus heightening your inner desires on March 26, Mars commanding power in personal relationships on March 31, and Jupiter galloping backwards along your sun on April 10, it’s time to aim your arrows at the missing piece of your current puzzle—reassessing and achieving your career dreams. 

Capricorn 
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Finding balance may be challenging this spring. The full moons occurring March 20 and April 19 force you to take a much-needed break from work, even though you typically want to put your energy into your career. The new moon April 5 emphasizes your need to pay more attention to personal matters when issues arise on the home front that will leave your head spinning.

Aquarius 
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your loving cup will overflow with confidence when Venus moves into your sun sign on the first of March. Plus, the new moon March 6 and Venus’ ingress on March 26 will give you a major boost of courage to fearlessly achieve your goals. You’ll even be able to overpower the pull of your planetary ruler Saturn and its retrograde, which begins April 29.

Pisces 
Feb. 19 to March 20

March 5 could trigger a minor identity crisis when Mercury retrograde enters your sun sign. The new moon March 6 may exaggerate your anxieties, but March 26 brings the soothing touch of Venus, which will heal your apprehensions and boost your confidence. When your planetary ruler Jupiter begins its retrograde on April 10, you’ll feel like a weight has lifted as you swim toward happiness.

By Lisa Stardust
Illustrated by Camille Chew

This article originally appeared in the March/April 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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Whether you’re into, against, or very neutral about Valentine’s Day, any excuse to learn more about sexual wellness and pleasure is a good one—and if you’re based in New York, Planned Parenthood and women-run clothing line Meg have a pop-up event tomorrow night that promises to be equal parts fun and informative, sponsored by two other women-owned organizations: sex toy brand Dame and sexual wellness company Sustain.

Titled “Be Your Own Valentine: Sexual Wellness and Pleasure Panel,” the event will consist of panels on sex education and advocacy, pop-up shops selling sex toys and other products to benefit Planned Parenthood NYC, and many other raffles and freebies.

For over a century, Planned Parenthood NYC has been a leading organization in providing health care and sex education across boroughs. As reproductive rights are under attack, it’s more important than ever to support advocates like Planned Parenthood—and to make strides to learn more about our bodies and sexual wellness. 

The event will take place tomorrow, February 12, at 7:00 PM, at Planned Parenthood’s pop-up at 376 Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn. You can snag your own ticket and find some more info through Planned Parenthood’s website.

Top photo via Flickr Creative Commons / m01229

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Any sex toy reviewer will tell you that the market is absolutely jam-packed with pricey new G-spot gadgets that are simply increasingly expensive variations on the same theme—which is why the new Bender from Unbound is actually remarkable. Priced at just $59, this slim pink silicon toy can be easily bent to stimulate your clit and G-spot simultaneously at whatever angle suits your anatomy best. 

One of the hazards of experimenting with a new sensation like G-spotting is that not every toy is suitable for every body, and finding the right one for you can get expensive. Plus, there’s always the chance that you might not even like the sensation once you figure out where your G-spot is. That’s another reason why the Bender is great; if you buy it to explore internal stimulation, or a combo of internal and external, and you decide one way is not for you, you can also use this vibe just on your clit or just inside or wherever you or your partner(s) want a buzz of pleasure—the options are endless. Sure, it’s a little more expensive than, say, a Bullet vibe, but it’s also body-friendly and waterproof. I don’t love the magnetic USB charger, but it’s not a huge hassle, either.

Before the Bender, the Je Joue G-Kii was my normal go-to toy when I wanted an orgasm that was more fulfilling than just pounding it out with the Magic Wand. And while it offers a deeper, more rumbly vibration than the Bender, it isn’t as long, and adjusting the angles can get fiddly. Plus, I lucked out that the G-Kii even works with my anatomy; if it hadn’t, I’d be left with a $119 paperweight. I already knew I liked vibing my clit and G-spot at the same time when I picked up the Bender, so I was extra pleased to find it went deeper than the G-Kii and was generally easier to use.  

While the Bender also offers a range of patterns and speeds, what it does best is just what it promises on the box—and inside of it.

By Louise Lagris

This piece originally appeared in the January/February 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from the Sex Files in our January/February 2019 print issue, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

I’ve enjoyed engaging in BDSM consensually for many years, but recently I have experienced multiple incidents that caused me sexual trauma. In one of those instances, when I asked the man why he didn’t stop after I told him to multiple times, he said that he thought I “meant it in a 50 Shades of Grey way.” I now have a consistent sexual partner for the first time in a long time. I trust him and feel good about our sex life, but I want to get into BDSM again. I’m not sure how to navigate this—specifically my desire to be submissive—while also remaining safe, comfortable, and feminist. –Angry But Horny

I really hate to think we are going to have to ask our Tinder dates to share their thoughts on 50 Shades of Grey before we get with them. Honestly, that is not the world I’ve been trying to build. Would everyone please yell this into the void along with me? “50 Shades is not BDSM education!” Louder!

Wow, I feel much better now.

There are two old-school BDSM strategies to help you with this dilemma. Saying “no” or “stop” in a kinky scene can be misconstrued as part of the play, since after all, some kinksters just love yelling those words—it feels cathartic and powerful. Now, especially in this day and age, anyone ought to check in if they hear a “no,” so I’m not letting your 50 Shades-reading date off the hook, and I’m so sorry to hear that traumatic (and stupid) shit happened to you. Going forward, I’d recommend you employ a safe word—a word or short phrase that isn’t likely to come up under play-related circumstances. Many players use “red” and “green,” like the old kids’ game “Red Light, Green Light.” Of course, “red” means “stop.”

Second, think carefully about what you do and don’t want in a BDSM scene, and negotiate for these things before the scene begins. If you like, start with, “When I tell you to stop, I mean stop,” and add anything else that seems important to you. BDSM isn’t supposed to be a type of play in which the top does things to you. The top and the bottom do things together. And the way you keep things mutual is by agreeing to your parameters first, sticking to those limits, and using and respecting the safe word in the event those limits change during play.

You didn’t say whether your new boo is experienced along these lines, so it might help for him to learn the ropes (ha-ha). There are lots of resources to support him, and you, as you explore. I still love the bookConsensual Sadomasochism: How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely by my old friends Sybil Holiday and Bill Henkin. There are other great books and other materials to help, too. Especially if your partner isn’t already experienced, read them together so you can discuss your decisions about what to try. Take it step by step, give and ask for feedback, and use this as a way to heal some of the ways your consent has been breached. The easier it is for you to talk about what you do and do not want, the likelier it will be that in the future your ideal kinky sex life will manifest.

Top image: Secretary  

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone

This article originally appeared in the January/February 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!  

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it at bust.com/sex

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from the Sex Files in our January/February 2019 print issue, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

My sex drive has really decreased since I turned 40. I’m easily distracted and it seems like it takes a miracle for me to orgasm. My partner is incredibly helpful but I’m just not getting there. I used to be very sexual and always orgasmed. I just want my orgasm back. — Feeling Old

I wouldn’t call you old, but you might be perimenopausal. One of the many effects of the body’s shifting hormone levels can be the feeling that your arousal and responsiveness are muffled or attenuated. Many think this is just part of midlife, but not everyone heading into menopause experiences a decline in pleasure. It might be worth a visit to a physician to find out whether your hormone levels are particularly low. I’m not a fan of long-term hormone replacement therapy, but some folks swear by it for getting through menopause and out the other side.

There are a couple of other possibilities as well. The change you describe is also a notorious side effect of both depression and (irony of ironies) anti-depressants. Have you been experiencing any symptoms of depression? Are you on anti-depressants? What about other meds? Pharmaceuticals that affect blood flow and the nervous system could also have this sort of effect; heart and diabetes meds are known for sexually suppressive side effects. I’ve also noticed that folks who become sedentary at mid-life can experience this, only to see a fairly miraculous reversal when they start exercising.

Speak to a doctor, preferably one who knows something about sexuality and menopause. If some other illness is causing this effect, you certainly want to know so you can deal with it. Ask the doc about any medications you’re on. Do you smoke? Stop ASAP. Are you moving your body enough? Walking, dancing, and other forms of exercise (especially core workouts) can make a difference. Consider adding new elements to your sexual repertoire: vibrators, erotic talk, sexy movies, and other turn-ons might get your motor running again.

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here.

This article originally appeared in the January/February 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

Top photo: pxhere

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For weekly helpings of smart, witchy goodness, look no further than The Serpent Cast, a podcast hosted by astrologer Annabel Gat and sex writer Sophie Saint Thomas. Gat (who writes horoscopes for VICE and Broadly) and Saint Thomas (who writes for GQ, Playboy, Allure, and more) are best friends whose casual conversations draw listeners in as they chat about everything from magick and mental health to Harry Potter and butt stuff. They also feature insightful interviews with fellow practitioners of all stripes, including BUST’s astrologer Sonia Ana Ortiz, Jessica Lanyadoo of Love Lanyadoo Astrology, The Hoodwitch’s Bri Luna, and Witch Baby Soap founder Chelsea Selby. It’s fun just listening to them shoot the shit, but you’ll also learn plenty about cool occult practices, like color magick, house witchery, and root work. Just one bite will have you slithering into their coven of “Serpent Sluts.” Find it on iTunes.

By Laurie Henzel
Illustation by Morgan Claire Sirene
This piece originally appeared in the January/February 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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From our January/February 2019 issue, here’s astrologer Sonia Ortiz’s astrological advice for ladies looking to get laid: 

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

It’s your month, Cap! The solar eclipse is in your sun sign, triggering major life decisions around relationships. It’s time to focus on yourself, even if that means some relationships fizzle. Jan. 11 gives you the confidence boost you need to implement growth and change, which will bring transformation by Jan. 18. Feb. 7 is the best love day of the month, so get your flirt on.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The lunar eclipse will end relationships that no longer serve their purpose. While letting go can be difficult, it’s essential for personal development. Releasing everything that feels heavy and outdated in January will lighten your load—and it will open you up to meeting the person you’re supposed to be with. You’ll be flying high again by Feb. 22, thanks to Mercury and Jupiter.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
If you’re single, the new year will bring along the right person to take you on a sexy, mysterious ride, so buckle up. If you’re already committed, it’s time to deepen the relationship. The solar eclipse will bring an opportunity to connect and heal. Things will get even sweeter on Feb. 3, when Mercury harmoniously aspects your planetary ruler Jupiter, sending your heart a-flutter.

Aries
Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
Watch out for an all-consuming work matter on Jan. 23, when powerful Mars squares off with austere Saturn, leaving you with little time for romance. If you’re in a relationship, Feb. 1 will prove to be a testing ground for you and your honey, thanks to a fraught aspect between Mars and Pluto; that said, this also gives you a chance to transform your relationship.

Taurus
Apr. 20 to May 20
While you’re often cautious around affairs of the heart, you’ll want to jump right into love on Jan. 3 and 5, when Uranus activates the lunar nodes of fate. However, while you may be charging forward at the start of the new year, your partner may get cold feet; things could get testy when restrictive Saturn and argumentative Mars square off on Jan. 20.

Gemini
May 21 to June 20
The bad news is that Jan. and Feb. bring a wallop of heartburn when your usually logical mind gets swept away in waves of emotion. Jan. 20 may confuse things even more with your boo, thanks to dreamy Neptune, leaving you wondering where you stand. Luckily, you’ll be able to smooth things over with an enlightening convo when Jupiter and Venus align on Jan. 22.

Cancer
June 21 to July 22
The solar eclipse on Jan. 5 has you primed for partnership, and you’ll be in the mood to lock it down by Jan. 11 when the sun and Pluto hook up in the relationship sector of your chart. Old resentments come calling on Feb. 1, and Feb. 18 will be a make-it-or-break-it day with your SO, because Venus, Uranus, and the sun will be getting busy in the cosmos.

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22
The lunar eclipse on Jan. 20 makes you especially emotional, but it also offers some relationship insight. Things have been difficult, but you’re ready to give it one last try on Jan. 22, when Venus and Jupiter link up. Your optimism and fierce loyalty mean you don’t quit when the going gets tough. Mercury sets your chart ablaze on Feb. 22, bringing tensions to the surface.

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The new year dawns with a new crush just in time for the solar eclipse on Jan. 5. This might cause more heartache than it’s worth, though. Your new beau may be invested in another, or perhaps you’re still into your ex. Either way, arguments could ensue on Jan. 18, when Mercury and Pluto aspect each other. Be wary, and keep your options open.

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Just when you’ve put a pause on romance, Jan. 20 brings a new flirtation to life when you least expect it. A longtime friend or social media connection could be harboring some feels for you, but it may take a long time to meet up. Indulge yourself anyway—sexting isn’t usually as good as the real thing, but it can certainly be fun for everyone.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The lunar eclipse leaves you yearning for a new romance. In Jan., try an app like Bumble so you can choose who to message. Things will heat up by Feb. 19, when Uranus hits Mars (your planetary ruler), setting off sparks and starting a monthlong love affair with your new crush. Just take things slowly. Don’t rush love this time, in order to ensure longevity.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your intense need for freedom may leave you a singleton after the solar eclipse, especially since Jan. serves as your annual reminder to work on yourself. Currently, you feel stuck in the mud, especially on Jan. 11 and Feb. 19, when Neptune holds you back, but you’ll be feeling lusty on Jan. 18 and 22, when Uranus and Jupiter get sexy with each other.

By Sonia Ortiz
Illustrations by Ada Buchholc
This piece originally appeared in the January/February 2019 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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Charlene deGuzman wrote and stars in Unlovable (still image above), now streaming on Amazon, iTunes, and GooglePlay. Unlovable is a dramedy about a sex- and love-addicted woman who learns what real intimacy is when she starts making music with a reclusive man. It co-stars John Hawkes and Melissa Leo, was directed by Suzi Yoonessi, and is a Duplass Brothers production. Here, deGuzman shares a personal essay about her recovery from sex and love addiction. 

Note: This piece describes suicidal ideation and self-harm.

I was crying, shaking, and laughing all at the same time. All I owned was one dull knife that didn’t cut my skin at all—a comical reminder of how broke I was. I checked the medicine cabinet—all I had were three generic Xanax pills and a couple of Advil; that wouldn’t kill me. I surveyed my tiny studio apartment and there was nothing I could tie a rope to. Did I even have rope? Would a cheap Forever 21 skinny belt work?

I had been pacing my apartment for the past seven hours, panicked and hysterical. I had come to the decision that I was crazy. I was broken, and no one could ever love me. I was unlovable. There was no point in living anymore.

Because he didn’t text me back.

Of course, this wasn’t anything new for me. I had been chasing after unavailable guys since I was a child. My kindergarten crush? Never liked me back. My second grade crush? All over my journal until the fourth grade. My first true love? I was 13 years old, he dumped me after a month, and I started cutting myself, because I wanted to die.

Now I was 31. I had been here before. Many, many, many times before. It was always “true love.” He was always “The One.” The difference this time was that I had been in a 12-step program for sex and love addiction for four months. I had gotten “sober” off my ex.

And then I went back to him. And I had sex with him. And then he didn’t text me back. The pain I felt was the worst pain I had ever felt in my already painful life.

“Where do I even find a bridge?!” I shouted out loud.

As if on cue, my phone rang. It was his name. It was his picture. It was him. I watched the screen, frozen. Like heroin running through my veins, I felt all the pain and anxiety that I had been feeling for those seven hours, dissipate from my body immediately.

The term “sex and love addiction” can be misleading. I would change it if I could. Sex and love addiction is a little different than just sex addiction. There is serious emotional attachment and dependency involved. And I don’t think you can be addicted to love. Love is a good thing, it’s what heals us. Sex and love addicts are addicted to things that they mistake for love, like dependency, longing, lust, neediness, pity, rescuing, and being saved.

“Sex and love addicts are addicted to things that they mistake for love, like dependency, longing, lust, neediness, pity, rescuing, and being saved.”

I had been emotionally dependent on men for as long as I could remember. I jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend, and when I didn’t have a boyfriend, I had sex. And if I wasn’t having sex, I was pursuing, chasing, flirting, obsessing, fantasizing, longing, and doing all I could to numb all of my feelings with booze, or weed, or masturbation (or Taco Bell), because it was unbearable.

I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all experienced some weird sex and love stuff. We’re all trying to figure it out. But it’s an addiction when it destroys your life. It’s an addiction when you know it’s bad for you and you want to stop but you keep doing it anyway. It’s an addiction when your whole life depends on it. When you can’t leave a relationship you’re miserable in. When you break up and get back together seventeen times. When you can’t stop thinking about a person you don’t even know.

Most of the guys I pursued were emotionally unavailable. This is common for the sex and love addict, because while we have a conscious fear of abandonment, we also have an unconscious fear of intimacy. So, pursuing someone who is aloof, narcissistic, vague, wishy-washy, not interested, already in a relationship, an addict, or a total dick, feels right. (But they’re so charming!) It’s familiar. It’s what we think we deserve. We don’t want to be seen, so we unconsciously choose partners who don’t see us at all. The longing and starving and chasing is all we know. (Which is probably why I’ve had more than a few intense long-distance relationships, too, now that I think about it.)

It took me a while to realize that it wasn’t my fault I ended up this way. Growing up, no one ever taught me how to love myself, and I never had a model for what healthy love looked like. No one practiced healthy intimacy in my family; it just wasn’t a thing. I was used to that longing feeling. That, in combination with being exposed to porn at an early age, along with covert and overt forms of sexual abuse, meant I was practically doomed to end up this way.

After almost killing myself and seeing how sick I was, I finally committed to my recovery. I was single, abstinent, and romance-free for a year and a half. No flirting, no texting with potential guys, no looking at exes’ social media, no intriguing with strangers, nothing. Okay, so I definitely slipped a few times on the social media thing. And there was one night where I listened to an old voicemail from my ex 67 times in a row until the sun came up. But I did delete it in group therapy the next day. When the therapist asked why I did that, all I said was, “I liked hearing him say, ‘I love you.’”

Sex and love addiction is different from substance addiction because you don’t just stop using—with love and sex, you eventually need to learn how to experience it healthily. I eventually went on a “healthy dating plan,” which basically meant that I needed to learn how to actually date, go really slow, get to really know someone, and not have sex immediately.

“Sex and love addiction is different from substance addiction because you don’t just stop using—with love and sex, you eventually need to learn how to experience it healthily.”

Before this, I never really dated. I just hooked up with guys I barely knew, as soon as I met them. My boyfriends were one-night stands that happened to stick. So the idea of a plan that required me to go on one daytime date a week for the first month, sober, without any physical contact—I wasn’t exactly excited. For my very first date, we met up for coffee for an hour, and when I got home, I cried in the fetal position and shouted, “I will never do that ever again!” The vulnerability physically made me ill.

By the second date, I realized that I wasn’t interested in this guy. I also only made it to two dates with the next guy. I was feeling surprisingly empowered by these experiences. I could just walk away? After only two dates? Knowing very clearly that I didn’t like them? Instead of having drunk sex with them, convincing myself I’m in love, and obsessing over them for another year? This was entirely new territory for me.

I happened to reconnect with an old acquaintance that I had never spoken to much before. But this time, we had so much to talk about, we had so much in common. I liked this person! As a friend! A real friend that I respected! We realized we were both looking for the same thing. We were both recovering from similar issues and trauma, and didn’t want to go back to our old patterns and habits. We both needed to go slow. Really slow.

So we did the dating plan together. We got through month one. Month two, we could kiss and hold hands. (Our first kiss was the most meaningful, powerful kiss I’d ever had in my entire life.) Month three, we had sleepovers, but still, no sex. And after three and a half months, because we waited until we both really felt ready, and were committed to a partnership, we had sex for the first time.

It’s been two and a half years in this relationship now, and for the first time in my life, I’m practicing healthy sex and intimacy. It’s the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever experienced, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. But it’s still hard. I think that even in recovery, there was always this idea that getting in a relationship was the answer; it meant that you were okay and everything was fixed. But the truth is, the work only gets harder, the healing only gets deeper. There are never-ending layers to heal, and you and your partner will constantly push each other’s buttons so you can both heal and grow.

But it doesn’t feel like life or death anymore. My emotions are right-sized. And I know how to express my honest feelings now, and have difficult conversations. I know how to look into my partner’s eyes, and stay there. Before this, looking at someone in the eyes literally hurt my chest. I know how to listen now, and not take on my partner’s emotions. I have boundaries now. I can say no. I can speak up. I can face things that are scary.

What’s cool is what I’ve found is that it’s this type of intimacy that heals all the wounds of my past. The thing that I was always the most afraid of, is actually everything I’ve ever wanted and needed.

And hey, my worth and value are no longer dependent on a text.

Top image: Charlene deGuzman in Unlovable

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Sophie Saint Thomas is a sex writer and magick maker who will be joining us as a teacher at the BUST School For Creative Living, which will take place December 8th and 9th during the BUST Craftacular Holiday at Brooklyn Expo in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Sophie will be teaching a workshop on candle magick and moderating a panel on how to have casual sex. We asked Sophie to tell us a little more about herself and what we can expect.

Hey Sophie, can you tell our readers about your work?

I’m a writer for magazines such as GQ, Playboy, VICE, Allure, Glamour, Marie Claire, Harper’s Bazaar, High Times, PRIDE, and more. I primarily write about sex. In particular, I’m interested in marginalized sexual communities. I’m also the co-host of the weekly sex & spirituality podcast, The Serpent Cast, and am currently writing my first book.

What inspired you to start your career?

To be honest, for a long time my writing was a side gig, and I supported myself through work in television. Although I put in the work, I’m still very grateful to have somehow managed to become a full-time sex writer. My inspiration comes from a desire to normalize sexuality, help people embrace their sexuality, and understand that (despite what the government wants you to believe) there’s nothing shameful about being a sexual being. We’re animals. It’s in our DNA.

 What is your creative process like?

Usually, ideas come to me when I’m stoned, performing magick—and then I wake up, drink my magical potion called coffee, and put the pen to paper.

 What advice do you have for people who are pursuing a career in your field?

Freelance writing is not something you can just jump into, and certainly (unless you have a trust fund) not something you can make your full-time job straight away. It took me nearly a decade. Be prepared to work your ass off, and as the writer Sara Benincasa aptly named one of her books, real artists have day jobs. 

Tell us about what you’ll be doing at Craftacular.

I am a class on Magickal Sigil Making.

What else should our readers know about you and your business?

You can follow me on Instagram and Twitter @TheBowieCat.

Learn more about Sophie Saint Thomas at sophiesaintthomas.com.

Join us at the BUST Craftacular and the School For Creative Living 11a.m.-7p.m. on Saturday, December 8 and Sunday, December 9 at Brooklyn Expo center. Admission is free; learn more and purchase class tickets here. 

photos courtesy of Sophie Saint Thomas. 

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from BUST’s print magazine’s Sex Files, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

The FX show Pose taught me a lot about the sex lives of trans people and raised a few questions for me. For example, what are the rules of etiquette for engaging sexually with a pre-op or non-op trans person for the first time? What is the right way to ask delicate questions about gender and genitals while getting physical? –Category Is…Curious

It’s true that some trans people aren’t comfortable with their genitals in a sexual context if they haven’t undergone gender confirmation processes; for that matter, they may not be comfortable with them in a nonsexual context either. Genitals are highly gendered in our society, historically definitive of gender, in fact. Some people aren’t able to get past the idea that a penis doesn’t automatically equal a man or a vulva/vagina a woman, even if those parts are attached to a person who identifies and/or presents otherwise. For some folks, their genitals don’t match their self-perception, their inner identity, or their body as they understand it, and that can make it difficult to get intimate. 

However, there are also trans people for whom this is a much less cumbersome issue. Some are perfectly fine with their pleasure parts, and enjoy sex with all the nerve endings they have. 

The basic rule of etiquette is: Don’t assume. Don’t assume you know what that hottie has in their pants; that they welcome your curiosity about the fascinating world of under-their-pants; that they welcome your sexual interest in the first place. Don’t assume you know what to call whatever parts they have. Don’t assume you know what role or activity they’ll want to engage in if they do want to get sexy with you. Don’t exoticize their nether parts or act uncomfortable about them (or worse). In fact, you shouldn’t be assuming all that about cis people, either. 

That said, it doesn’t have to be such a challenge to get comfortable with a prospective lover who’s trans or gender non-binary. Here are some examples of what you could ask before getting down. “What do you like to do, sexually? Do you have any parts of your body you don’t like to have touched? What parts do you love having touched? How do you want me to refer to your genitals? If I start to do something you don’t enjoy, will you please tell me so I can try something you like better?” Don’t act like the person has arrived from another planet so you can explore their mystery. This is a human who has sensitive nerve endings that they probably like to have stimulated, just like everybody else.

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here.

This article originally appeared in the October/November 2018 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

Top photo: JayMantri/Pixabay

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from BUST’s print magazine’s Sex Files, featuring advice from sexlogist Dr. Carol Queen. 

As I’ve gotten older, it’s become much easier (and almost unavoidable) to ejaculate when I come. However, it’s also way easier to accidentally pee when I sneeze! Are they related? And does this mean I need to do more Kegels? –Whiz Kid

Yes and yes! You’re experiencing life in a body that has learned a pleasurable response that you are probably pretty good at ensuring by now, having had some practice. You may be experiencing the effects of the G-spot’s proximity to the bladder. The G-spot, or prostata femina if you want to get scientific, is right below the trigone, the roughly triangular bottom of the bladder where the urethra emerges to carry urine out of the body. The G-spot itself consists of glandular tissue wrapped around the urethra right underneath the bladder.

The second factor could be weakened pubococcygeus (PC) muscles. These surround the area and the entire pelvic floor, and they can be weakened by aging, childbirth, or other factors, thus resulting in urine leakage.

Enter Kegel exercises, which are designed to strengthen your muscles and put a stop to those pesky pee leaks. (A stronger pelvic floor can also add to your orgasmic pleasure.) Find your PC muscles by stopping a stream of urine in mid-flow. Once you fully empty your bladder, practice tightening and relaxing rhythmically. My colleague the pelvic floor therapist suggests 30 reps a day for good PC health, although techniques vary. Don’t skip the relaxation part! Overly tight muscles can cause problems.

You can also use vaginal balls to strengthen these muscles, or get high tech with a smart Kegel exerciser that lets you track your progress using an app. (BUST reviewed the Elvie, available at Elvie.com, in the February/March 2016 issue.) You can do reps without something in the vagina, but many people like the sensation and also find the exercises easier to do with a resistive device.

The PC muscles aren’t the only things involved in keeping your panties dry. The urinary sphincter may become weak, too; it happens to many women in the course of pregnancy and childbirth. Conditions that make you cough a lot exacerbate this, and alcohol may irritate the sphincter and make this more likely.

If getting busy with Kegels doesn’t completely resolve your urinary stress incontinence, you may wish to see a doctor. Be forewarned that some docs have learned literally zip about the G-spot and may describe your ability to ejaculate as a form of urinary stress incontinence, too! Ideally, see a doctor who can look at your situation with some nuance. You could also just invest in some newfangled pee-proof underwear—Icon (IconUndies.com) seems to be the hippest brand.

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here.

This article originally appeared in the October/November 2018 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

Top photo: Tina Franklin/Flickr Creative Commons

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From our October/November 2018 issue, Sonia Ortiz shares her astrological advice for ladies looking to get laid. 

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

As your planetary ruler, Venus, glides backward this month from Scorpio to your sun sign, you’ll have a chance to reconnect with your partner and chart new territory with some roleplay. The planet of love and sex hits Libra right on Halloween. What better way to kick off the witchiest season than to seduce your lover in costume? Let your imagination run wild with dress-up fantasies.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ll be feeling spooky ‘n’ sexy when the new moon slides into your sign on November 7, even though Venus retrograde makes everything love-related extra confusing. When Mars enters Pisces on November 15, you’ll feel adventurous and open to expressing your deepest feelings. Explore your sensuality with a practice like tantra, explorative massage, or gazing meditatively into your lover’s eyes.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your ruling planet, Jupiter, will align with your sign on November 8, bringing you an extra dose of hot sex and good luck—think of it as a horn of plenty. Although you’re famous for your practically pathological need for freedom and adventure, you’ll be tempted to get deep with a potential romance when Mercury retrogrades in your sign on November 17.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

A friendship may blossom into something more as someone close to you has captured your heart (and other parts) recently. You’ll consider making a big move on October 5 when Venus retrogrades, but you may do better to have a deep, sexy talk, instead. Don’t hesitate to act on November 6; the Scorpio new moon the next day will steam things up between you two.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

It’s time to decide if a casual sitch is worth your energy. You’re more inclined to work things out on November 8, when Jupiter enters Sag and we’re in the shadow of Mercury retrograde. (It’s easier to redefine relationships during Mercury retrograde, which begins November 17.) Meanwhile, the Gemini full moon on November 23 will have you flying high with a major confidence boost.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to Mar. 20

You’re a true romantic and daydream about being whisked away and ravished by your ultimate lover. Good news! It’s quite possible that your dream will come true in October. Hot, steamy sex with the added bonus of delectable, warm cuddles on those chilly October nights may develop into a deeper, longer-lasting partnership on or around November 8, when Jupiter enters Sagittarius.

Aries
Mar. 21 to Apr. 19

While your sex drive is often on fire, the next two months will have you looking for a slow simmer, especially during the month of October. November brings a resurgence of passion and will inspire you to connect with lovers through your sensual nature via like-minded, and probably physical, pursuits. This is especially true during the full moon in Gemini on November 23.

Taurus
Apr. 20 to May 20

Venus retrograde will make your love life crazy for the next two months, resulting in lots of erratic behavior from the people around you. You like things slow, steady, and predictable, but Venus will give you a flair for spontaneous thrills and even taboo acts. You may be attracted to saucy stuff that surprises you, but don’t be afraid to get shaken and stirred.

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

The new moon on October 8 will bring an enticing new squeeze into your life, possibly a fling or one-night stand whom you’ll consider committing to on November 8. Don’t rush in too quickly, though! You may rethink everything during Mercury retrograde. The best advice is to commit to not committing. Take things slowly, see how everything plays out, and most importantly, have fun.

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

You usually stay safe in your shell, but get ready to emerge in October. You may safely retreat in November, but be sure to get your fill while you’re inspired. Uranus retrogrades on November 6, where it will stay until January, 2019. This major event will inspire you to focus on developing your truest self. Start planning your next big moves.

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

October makes you feel like a lone wolf, sexing it up and turning heads with confidence while committing to no one but yourself. Things change in November when lucky Jupiter links up with fiery Sagittarius, bringing lots of fun and a new crush into your line of sight. Expect to have your dance card filled with great parties and flirting until the end of the year.

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

As Venus retrograde and Mercury retrograde move through your chart, the next two months will remind you that your best source of foreplay lies between your lusty mind and your sweet mouth. You’re about to have some sexy pillow talk with your babe either in person or via text. Use your earthy, sensual way with words to express your deepest fantasies! It will drive them wild.

By Sonia Ortiz
Illustrated by Ada Buchholc
This article originally appeared in the October/November 2018  print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from the Sex Files in our August/September 2018 print issue, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen. 

I have a super sensitive gag reflex and it makes it difficult to give blow jobs. I’ve read about different techniques and numbing spray. What would be a safe way to minimize my gagging? —Blow Job Queen

I wouldn’t recommend numbing spray during sex and am not even sure this would do much good, since it’s not just the surface mucosa that’s responsible for gagging, and the spray wouldn’t affect the musculature below. Plus, then you’d swallow that stuff. Instead, think about a blow job as more than just trying to get a dick as far down your throat as possible. The most sensitive part of a penis is the head, especially around the coronal ridge. If your person stops thrusting as if your mouth was interchangeable with a vagina or other orifice, you can take your time, lavish that part with attention, add more sensation via hand stroking, and give a stellar blow job. If you want to add the fanfare that used to make you gag, here are a few technique tips.

First, note that most penises curve, and your throat curves, too. But often when we give a blow job it’s face-to-dick, and the curves do not match up. Kneeling in front of someone or between their legs mismatches this curve unless your person doesn’t have much of one, curves down instead of up, or is only semi-erect. Instead, come at the penis from above. Pay attention to the curve angle and try to match your throat accordingly. If you have gag reflex problems, never give a blow job with a partner kneeling over you—it’s just too hard to relax.

Second, tension in your throat can lead to gagging. One way to work with this tension is via deep breathing; it relaxes you and opens your throat at the same time. When you breathe in, let the penis in; control how far it enters you, especially at first, to give the gag reflex time to subside. When it pulls back, let the air out. Repeat. This is easier to manage than trying to breathe out as the penis comes in, blocking the air.

Finally, if your throat is at all dry, the friction of the penis-throat contact will be another gag trigger. Have some water handy; it can also help to slick up the cock with lube. Anything that causes a dry mouth (including pot!) is likely to be an impediment.

Most of all, you need to be in charge during a blow job, unless you decide to get all 50 Shades of Throat Fuckery with your boo—but this is not a game I’d recommend for you yet. You, not your partner, should decide how far the penis goes into your mouth, the speed of the movement, and all the other little elements involved. This allows you to relax, play, be sensual, explore, and gain confidence in your body, which is the only kind of confidence that will help with a gag reflex.

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here.

This article originally appeared in the August/September 2018 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

Top photo via MaxPixel.net

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Wow, Stormy Daniels has the best words. What I once considered to be a charming folklore relic has been reduced to being likened to Donald Trump’s junk. In her new tell-all memoir, Full Disclosure, Daniels stays true to the title’s promise and offers “salacious descriptions of her time with Donald Trump,” reports The Guardian, which obtained a copy of the book.

In the book, Daniels colorfully describes Trump’s penis as “like a toadstool” with “a huge mushroom head.” I’ll never be able to watch “The Mushroom Dance” scene from Fantasia with the same sense of innocence again. 

That wonderment has been killed for me, knowing that Daniels “was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…” (According to Mashable, Nintendo has not responded to requests for comments.)

The penis in question is “smaller than average,” Daniels writes. “It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion,” she recalls, and you can practically hear her rolling her eyes. One of the more interesting moments she writes about took place while watching a Shark Week TV special in 2007. Daniels and Trump were in a hotel room watching shark-related programming when Trump received a phone call from Hillary Clinton, who was then running against Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination. During a cryptic-sounding conversation between Clinton and Trump, with Trump “repeatedly mentioning ‘our plan’” (what the hell does that mean?), Daniels writes, “his attention kept going back to the sharks.”

All things considered, Stormy Daniels’s book is an incredible feminist declaration of her right to free speech. Here is a woman who was paid to stay quiet about having sex with Donald Trump. She refused to stay silent. She didn’t back down from the bullying and intimidation. And now, she’s sharing her various detials about Trump and his bits, so we now know that he “knows he has an unusual penis.”

photos: Michael Vadon/Wikimedia Commons (Trump), Nintendo (Toad)

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There’s a design revolution going on in cis women’s sex toys. Gone are the days where neon-colored, animal-shaped vibrators, or dildos lifted straight from porn-star dicks, flooded the market. Now, pleasure devices come in all shapes, sizes, and materials: designers are increasingly creating products based on vulvar anatomy, and shying away from phallic imagery. These new toys look like everything from emojis to cupcakes to miniature Pixar robots. While these changes make sex toys more accessible to cis women (and, more broadly, anyone with a vulva), sex toys for cis men (or anyone with a penis, for that matter) aren’t undergoing the same design revolution.

Aside from a handful of couples’ vibrators and prostate massagers, toys for people with penises can be boiled down into four categories: cock rings, vibrating cock rings, and vibrating or non-vibrating friction-based toys. Often, these devices resemble disembodied vulvas or other body parts—including feet. Others are less derogatory to women and resemble hollowed-out foam rollers. So, given the dearth of options, if you have a penis and want a product specifically designed for your junk, you’re basically left with sticking it inside of a lubed-up silicone sleeve and rubbing one out while you watch reruns of the Nanny.

It cannot be overlooked that the sex-tech industry calls their customer base for friction-based toys for penises “men,” and that they use women to advertise their products. Even when the design of friction-based toys doesn’t objectify women, many adult websites display these devices using clearly feminized hands. This implies that in the mainstream sex tech industry, toys for penises are marketed for straight cis men. Part of this is in the lag between how language is changing around sex, gender, and identity, and the words that search engines recognize. As Stephanie Alys, the Co-Founder and CPO (Chief Pleasure Officer) of Mystery Vibe, the pleasure brand behind Crescendo, a gender-neutral vibrator, tells BUST, “[Language] is a really tricky thing to work on in terms of digital marketing, that line between discoverability and making sure you are being as inclusive as possible. If you look at SEO and see how people are searching for products [for penises], the top search terms are ‘sex toys for men’ or ‘vibrators for men.’ So, it is about being as inclusive as you can be, but also being discoverable.”

Digital marketing aside, the striking thing about most of the current vibrating toys on the market for penises is that they are designed for goal-oriented, rather than pleasure-oriented, sex. They are marketed as enhancers, meant to cut down on the energy and work it takes to reach ejaculation; the actions leading up to orgasm—the pumps, strokes, and sucks—are a means to an end, secondary to the orgasm itself. Simply put, whether solo or partnered, sex is a race to the finish line where ejaculating is the goal.

Now, you may not think this is important. Men are trash! Who cares about their pleasure? But if men’s toys continue to be goal-oriented, instead of pleasure-oriented, it may pose a problem not only for the people they are sleeping with, but with their general sense of empathy for those around them. If men are only focused on achieving orgasm through whatever means necessary, they might lose sight of the whole sexual process, and may see their partners as objects in their pursuit of cumming, just another means to an end. At worst, this type of goal-oriented sex breeds misogyny and objectification. At best it’s a shitty one-night stand with a dude jackhammering his way to ecstasy.

But Mystery Vibe’s new toy, Tenuto, might just change the way cis men think about sex. Looking like something straight out of Apple’s headquarters, Mystery Vibe’s website calls Tenuto a “wearable vibrator for men.” The device can be used in multiple positions with any phallic object (strap-ons, summer vegetables, you name it) and can extend from the base of the shaft, around the scrotum, and out towards the perineum, or can be flipped to sit along the underside of the shaft extending upwards to the head. With six vibrating motors that can be controlled individually to stimulate sexual and erogenous zones alike, Tenuto’s function is to help men explore their pleasure more deeply—alone or with a partner—and ultimately redirect them to focus on the process of building pleasure instead of the goal of ejaculating. In short, it helps make sex a journey instead of a destination.

While Tenuto can be used by anyone, penis- and vagina-havers alike, Mystery Vibe was first prompted to create Tenuto with straight cis men in mind: “There is a whole concept of vibrational toys being for [cis] women,” Alys explains. “[Cis] men take up 50 percent of our customer base, but from the start of Crescendo [our gender neutral product] being on the market, our customer feedback was showing that people wanted more toys designed for [cis] men, or for penises.”

Oddly enough, the toy’s ability to stimulate the prostate from the outside, through the perineum, might also serve as a way for straight cis men to expand their definition of sex, and especially anal sex, as not just penetrative. What’s more, non-intrusive prostate stimulation might just help straight cis men combat internalized homophobia, misogyny, and fragile masculinity. For many men, just the idea of having something up their rump can cause them to feel weak, exposed, and vulnerable, qualities they have learned to label as “bad” and “unmanly.” Men who are afraid of being penetrated are, perhaps, afraid not only of being emasculated, but of experiencing the same dominance, control, and dehumanization they exert over women. Tenuto’s ability to stimulate the prostate from the outside, through the perineum—the area of skin stretching from behind the balls to the anal opening (a.k.a. the “grundle”)—might make men redefine what anal sex can look like, namely that it doesn’t have to require penetration. As straight cis men start to understand sex as being more than penetration, they may also be able to unlearn that vulnerability and pleasure go hand-in-hand. Their new understanding of sex may be a gateway to challenge their preconceived notions of manliness, dominance, and entitlement.

With all this in mind, Mystery Vibe envisions the device and its addendum app as a gateway to redefining sex and encouraging open communication: “[Sex] has a penetrative connotation. We are trying to redefine that and look beyond that narrow definition,” explained Alys. “Our hope with Tenuto is that it will open up more conversations. We want people go home to their partners, and instead of asking them ‘What should I do for you?,’ ask them, ‘how do you want me to make you feel?’”

Better sex, better communication, and better men? I have alllll the feels.

Top photo: Teunto via Mystery Vibe

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A legal reckoning has finally come for Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle company, Goop—in the form of a $145,000 settlement, reports The Guardian. Investigations by the California Food, Drug, and Medical Device Task Force into three products by Goop, including two now-infamous vaginal eggs, found the products made unsubstantied scientific claims.

Goop claimed the vaginal “eggs”—made of jade or quartz—increased bladder control, regulated menstrual cycles, balanced hormones, and prevented uterine collapse. Along with two eggs, the task force investigated the Inner Judge Flower Essence Blend, which the site claimed “could help prevent depression.”

The vaginal eggs first spurred headlines, and ridicule, a few years backs. Backlash from the medical community was swift. On Twitter, gynecologists begged women to stop using the eggs, citing the risk of bacterial vaginosis or even Toxic Shock Syndrome.

In a recent New York Times article, Santa Clara district attorney Jeff Rosen says, “The health and money of Santa Clara County residents should never be put at risk by misleading advertising. We will vigilantly protect consumers against companies that promise health benefits without the support of good science…or any science.”

Despite the settlement, the $66 Jade Egg and $55 Rose Quartz egg are still for sale on the site—but Goop has tweaked the product description. The site now claims the items “cultivate sexual energy, clear chi pathways in the body, intensify femininity, and invigorate our life force.”

Goop spokesman Heather Wilson released a statement saying, “This settlement does not indicate any liability on Goop’s part. The company has not received any complaints regarding these product claims.”

It seems the eggs are here to stay. 

Photo Credit: Andrea Raffin / Wikimedia Commons 

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I learned about masturbation from a girl I worked with at Painesville Dairy Queen in 1994. Jami was a few years older, 18 to my 15, and was the first girl I met who openly talked about self-love. The younger girls at DQ would sit on the steel counter, awkwardly fingering the neckline of our red polos, a wide-eyed captive audience as Jami drawled, “I loooove masturbating.” It was from Jami that I learned about the clitoris and manual stimulation, and thank god, because I had been masturbating unsuccessfully with a Conair curling iron for about two years. Learning to masturbate was a slow process, particularly for those of us raised in repressed Midwest Protestant houses. According to Sunday school teachers and other miscellaneous nutjobs, masturbation was a deadly sin.

When I first began to masturbate, it was tentative, guilt-ridden, and followed by hour-long apologies to Jesus. It was also quite confusing: There are just so many holes and flaps down there! When you’re trying to get off by squeezing your eyes tight and methodically humping a stuffed elephant, you know something isn’t quite correct, but aren’t sure what. Thank god for Jami, who not only took away the shame of masturbating but also provided clear-cut instructions on where to stick what. Masturbation is an evolution, wrought with missteps and danger. Eventually, most of us get it right.

The Evolution of Masturbation for Vulva Owners

(This is true for every single vulva owner with zero deviation, obviously.)

1. Discover that rubbing pubic area on soft yet firm surfaces (couch arms, gripped pillows, rolled-up yoga mats, a bagful of guinea pig bedding) feels good.

2. Get weird, pleasant “stomachache” from watching ______ (i.e., the opening credits to Dirty Dancing, Halle Berry as Catwoman, or Kermit the Frog dancing). Subsequently, go to town on said bag of guinea pig bedding.

3. Hear whispered stories about sex, make the connection that the wiener goes into the bigger “peehole.” Experiment with anything remotely phallic (curling irons, unripe bananas, tofu hot dogs), usually with disastrous results.

4. Discover that the clitoris is a thing. This will be the best day of your life.

5. Achieve first self-orgasm. Assume it was a brain aneurysm and wait for death.

6. Discover vibrating toothbrushes. Attempt using bristle side only once; never make that mistake again.

7. Discover free internet porn. Watch disappointing forced blow job videos, feel nothing, switch back to Kermit the Frog dancing.

8. Purchase first real vibrator, hide in underwear drawer. When roommate asks what that smell is, learn that you need to clean it.

9. Learn good keyword searches and find better porn. Paired with a vibrator, you seem to be set.

10. Best friend gives you Adderall to help you focus on your homework/sketch writing/dissertation. Instead, you watch Kermit the Frog videos, orgasm 12 times, assume brain aneurysm, wait for death, and subsequently miss your deadline.

This is an excerpt from Corn-Fed: Cul-de-sacs, Keg Stands & Coming of Age in the Midwest by Melanie LaForce. Find a copy at cornfedbook.com. 

top photo: William Warby/Flickr Creative Commons

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from BUST’s print magazine’s Sex Files, featuring advice from sexlogist Dr. Carol Queen. 

I want to try pegging but I don’t want to waste my money. What gear should I get as a newbie? –Taking the Plunge

There are inexpensive dildo/harness set-ups to be had, but in many cases, they’re not super high-quality, and sometimes they don’t even work with other dildos. What do you do if you find you really like pegging but your set isn’t keeping up with your enthusiasm? Or you find a partner who loves pegging but not the size of your dildo? (You won’t necessarily be wasting your money even if you don’t take a regular liking to pegging—you can always use a nice silicon dildo on yourself.)

There are two elements to a strap-on, so you’ll want to consider whether you want a leather, fabric, or other sort of harness. The RodeoH fabric harnesses are good for beginners, and Sportsheets makes a line of accessibly priced harnesses, too.

If you have a partner or someone in mind, shop for the dildo together. You can also ask them about size preferences, consider how dildo girth compares to how many fingers you might use when playing, and otherwise negotiate elements of the experience ahead of time. Just as many people have been surprised to find a penis knocking at their back door before discussing it, it’s not optimal to spring a pegging scene on someone.

But what if you don’t have a regular partner? A pegging enthusiast might well have their own dildo to bring to the party. It will be their favorite size, and will fit perfectly in their harness. On the other hand, you’ll probably need something small-ish and smooth for the curious Tinder newbie. The Charm silicone dildo fits the bill on both counts. The Riley is a little bigger, but also a good choice. (Please don’t forget your lube. Silicone is great for anal, but it’s not great with all silicone toys. Put a condom on your silicone toy if you’re not using water-based lubricant.)

If you really want to be on trend, you can always buy the Broad City harness set. The comfy undie-style harness has “Peg Like a Queen” printed on the butt, which reminds me that I made a pegging how-to movie long ago, before it was even called that! Look up Bend Over Boyfriend for more insight about the 1990s than you ever knew you needed. I will just go and make myself a cup of tea, and smile at the vision of a generation of fierce pegging women with my name emblazoned on their hindquarters.

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here.

This article originally appeared in the August/September 2018 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

top photo: Broad City

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From our August/September 2018 print issue, adult film actor, filmmaker, and activist Buck Angel shares his healthcare experience and advises trans men on what to ask their gynos.  

Transition. This is a powerful word.

For me, transitioning meant physically transforming my body from female to male. To finally live my life as the man I had long dreamed of becoming. At the time, however (this was the early 1990s), even my own doctor told me I was basically a guinea pig. The medical community had no idea what the long-term use of testosterone would do to my genetically female body—especially my reproductive system. When my doctor presented me with paperwork that would absolve him of responsibility should anything go wrong, I signed it. For me, this has always been a matter of life or death.

Unlike some trans men, getting a hysterectomy (or what I call a “his-torectomy”) never felt as urgent to me as top surgery. Don’t get me wrong; I hated getting my period, but taking testosterone took care of that. I was fine with keeping my uterus, ovaries, and vagina intact.

After about 11 or 12 years of taking testosterone, I started getting cramps, mostly after orgasms. Sometimes they were like bad period cramps, and other times, they’d make me double over in pain for hours. Finding a gynecologist who would even agree to see me was difficult enough. But actually going to the gyno as a man with a vagina was excruciating. They would give me a pap smear and tell me everything’s fine, that the cramps would eventually stop, but I could read between the lines. They didn’t really know how to treat me. They just kept sending me home.

However, things kept getting worse. After about 15 years on testosterone, I felt a fever coming on one day after my workout, like I was getting the flu, and the next thing I knew I was passed out on the floor. My then-partner rushed me to the emergency room with a 101-degree fever and rising. (We were living in Mexico at the time.) Luckily, the doctors admitted me immediately and began treating me without question. They also got to the bottom of my ongoing problems, which were much worse than what my previous gynos thought.

As it turned out, the testosterone had atrophied my reproductive system—a condition that could have been prevented by the use of estrogen cream. The atrophy fused my uterus and my cervix together, along with my ovaries and everything else, creating an infection that burst and became septic. The gynecologists who kept sending me home and telling me nothing was wrong could have prevented this from happening if they knew anything about trans men and testosterone. They could have administered estrogen cream for my vagina. They could have done an ultrasound instead of just a pap smear. They could have tried to figure it out. Basic understanding of hormones could tell you that adding testosterone to a genetically female body will remove estrogen, and estrogen is what makes a vagina function properly. These two simple steps could have prevented a situation like mine.

Many trans men have been reaching out to me with the same symptoms that I had, so I’ve begun developing a concrete list of tips on how to get the best care from your gynecologist if you’re trans:

1. First and foremost, before you make an appointment with a new doctor, be sure to ask if they’re versed in trans male healthcare. You need to have a gynecologist who understands and cares about our bodies.

2. During your visit, be sure to tell them that you’re using testosterone and ask when you should start to use an estrogen supplement. If you’ve been using testosterone for more than a year or so, you can ask for an ultrasound in addition to your pap smear for additional information on the health of your reproductive system.

3. Be upfront about your sexual activity and any abnormal pain you’re feeling.

4. And last but not least, if you don’t like your doctor for any reason or feel like they don’t understand or care about the best way to treat you, find a new one! Comprehensive healthcare is your right.

One way I’m hoping to continue and improve this dialogue around trans vaginal healthcare is by developing a product called T-Lube by Sliquid (available at sliquid.com). It’s a lube created specifically for trans men that offers daily care for vaginal dryness. (And it doubles as a sex lube, of course.) Remember—we are responsible for educating the world about us, and that also includes the medical world.

By Buck Angel
Photo by Kristen Wrzesniewski
This article originally appeared in the August/September 2018  print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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As summer concludes, many college students return to campus, which means it’s a great time to circle back to some reminders about sexual health. People in their teens and early 20s (ages 15-24, according to the CDC) happen to be the demographic most at risk for contracting STDs.

That might have been an easy factoid to assume is true, but consider this lesser-known one:some STDS, including chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis, are becoming resistant to antiobiotic treatment, and some doctors believe that an STD called Mycoplasma genitalium (MG) could take off as the next “superbug” due to an increasing resistance to antibiotics and an overall lack of public awareness about its risks.


According to the CDC, MG was first identified in the ‘80s. Those with the disease often don’t know they have it, which makes it harder to prevent and detect. Even if symptoms don’t show, the affected person can still spread MG. So, get sex-educated, and stay safe this fall.

What Symptoms To Look For

According to WebMD, one study showed that MG may affect more than one in 100 adults. For cis men, it commonly shows up in the form of inflammation of the urethra, watery-looking discharge, and burning and pain when urinating. Cis women frequently experience bleeding after sex and between periods, painful sex, and pain under the belly button in the pelvic region.

A 2011 study showed that, left untreated, MG may lead to infertility in cis women if pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) develops. There is a lack of research on whether infertility occurs in cis men as a result of having MG. It’s also possible that a doctor may misdiagnose MG as another STD, such as chlamydia.

One study found symptoms of MG didn’t present in 94.4 percent of men and 56.2 percent of women who participated. So, pay close attention to smaller symptoms and get regular STD checks. Most importantly, practice safe sex. Remember, STDs get transferred from oral and anal sex, in addition to vaginal intercourse.

Prevention Is the Best Medicine 

It’s not unreasonable to think that MG may become the next superbug. Other STDs have shown increasing antibiotic resistance; the CDC has warned the public against super strains of gonorrhea proving untreatable with antibiotics. Cephalosporin antibiotics have typically treated gonorrhea in the past, but the continuing emergence of resistant bacteria forces clinicians to urgently monitor and search for new treatments with few antibiotic options left that prove highly effective, well-tolerated and well-studied.

While penicillin and antibiotics eliminate bacteria by attacking the cell wall, MG bacteria don’t have any cell walls. Dr. Olwen Williams, president of the British Association of Sexual Health and HIV (BASHH), told the Daily Telegraph that potentially up to 3,000 women per year over the next ten years could become infertile because of PID resulting from MG, and Dr. Paddy Horner, consultant senior lecturer in sexual health at Bristol University, said that if current tests and practices don’t change, MG could become resistant to standard antibiotics within a decade. Additionall, the Daily Telegraph notes that although 1-2% of people are thought to have MG, some clinics have reported numbers of treated patients as high as 38%.

Though it’s not an STD, also consider the persistence of the infection MRSA and other superbugs becoming resistant to antibacterial hand gel. In the past, researchers credited antibacterial hand gel with the prevention of the spread of MRSA, but new research shows while MRSA rates fell, other bacteria showed an increase—vancomycin-resistant enterococci (VRE) infections are on the rise, and 10 percent of all blood infections globally are due to VRE.

Take your and your partner’s sexual health seriously, and practice safe sex both internally and externally. Birth control doesn’t prevent STDs. Condoms reduce the likelihood of infection when used regularly. If you get diagnosed with the MG, avoid sex for seven days after treatment begins in order to stay on the safe side and avoid infecting others.

Treating MG

To diagnose MG, the clinic may have you pee in a cup for testing or swab the urethra, cervix or vagina, but new guidelines specify MG treatment takes the form of a seven-day dosage of the antibiotic doxycycline, followed up with one course of azithromycin.

For those who present MG symptoms, new drug therapy that will assist with developing effective therapies is a priority. Shortfalls preclude the bacteria’s ability to form resistance, along with the rising costs of drug therapy, and rarely, serious side effects may occur in the form of an irregular heartbeat or ruptured Achilles tendon. Currently, Australian clinics report a 60 percent resistance to first-line antibiotics and a 10 percent resistance to both first- and second-line antibiotics.

Mycoplasma genitalium has been linked with Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID), so, doctors may also treat the resulting symptoms and conditions. Doctors use doxycycline to treat PID, along with other antibiotics, addressing such symptoms as chills, fever, painful urination and pelvic pain.


With prompt attention and effective treatment, MG may clear up within a few weeks, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t contract it again. Make sure you are practicing safe sex.

Use condoms with any new partner or a partner you haven’t been with for a while. Ask your partner to get tested and get tested for STDs regularly yourself, even if you’re only with one person consistently. Maintaining your sexual safety and health is pretty easy but, for one reason or another, the numbers continue to show us that young people don’t always see it as priority. Have a safe, spooky and sexy fall.

Photo: PX Here

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From BUST’s August/September 2018 issue, Sonia Ortiz shares her astrological advice for ladies looking to get laid.

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

You’ll feel flirty when the solar eclipse on Aug. 11 hits your sun sign, making it the perfect time to reactivate Tinder. Putting yourself out there and finding a hot new summer fling in Aug. will set the tone for Sept. That’s when you’ll want a new person to cuddle up with—especially when there’s a sexy double-whammy of Venus in Scorpio and a Scorpio new moon on Sept. 9.

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Slip the blindfold over your eyes for the solar eclipse on Aug. 11, then prepare to have your hidden desires brought to life when the sun hits your sign on Aug. 23. You may meet a new boo around the new moon on Sept. 9, making this a sexy birthday season to remember. Chances are good you’ll spend all of Sept. sexting your sweetie the details of your most secret fantasies.

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

A clandestine affair may sweep you off your feet around Aug. 23, when the Sun enters Virgo, so keep your head on straight lest your scales tilt out of balance. Make sure to give yourself as much love as you are giving your paramour. You’ll become the center of their world when the sun enters your sign on Sept. 23, but the full moon on Sept. 24 will force your relationship into the light.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

A friend may become more than a friend around Aug. 23, when the Sun enters Virgo. Taking this relationship to the next level will heat up your sheets during the last days of summer. But be prepared for things to get more serious in Sept. Your friend with benefits could turn out to be more than a fling when they begin trying to woo you with old-fashioned romance around Sept. 9.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

All summer you’ve had a partner to get frisky with, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want your freedom—especially the freedom to orgasm by yourself. Bust out your toys for some solo sex on Sept. 9 during the Scorpio new moon. (It’s also a fine time for sex magic, if you’re down.) If you have a trustworthy lover, send them a video of you enjoying your own company to get their pulse racing.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Mark your calendar, because Aug. and Sept. are your months to shine in the bedroom. The solar eclipse on Aug.11 could be especially good for bringing kinks to your partner’s attention, and they’ll be psyched to play. Known for your can-do attitude, your hard work in the boudoir will be noticed in Sept., and your lover may brag about your devilish, seductive ways until the end of the month.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The solar eclipse on Aug. 11 activates your partnership house, just as Mars slips into the sector of your chart highlighting servitude to others. This could make you feel like consensually submitting to your partner, so if that’s what you want, go for it! Just remember your safe word. These fantasies will fire up your loins straight through ‘til Sept.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to Mar. 20

Since you live in a watery fantasy world, it’s only natural that you want to try out role-playing with your partner. Sept’s double Scorpio action (Venus in Scorp and a new moon!) makes this an especially hot time to play sexy librarian or bad nurse with your significant other. If you aren’t already an experienced kinkster, you may want to give BDSM a try around Aug. 23, when the sun enters Virgo.

Aries
Mar. 21 to Apr. 19

Aug. 11’s solar eclipse will light up the romance sector of your ’scope, making this a prime time to pursue several people at once. Firing up several dating apps will help, so limber up your swiping finger! Your hot summer adventures could lead to one special person with the substance and charisma to become your new sweetie, so keep your eyes peeled around Sept. 23, when the Sun enters Libra.

Taurus
Apr. 20 to May 20

The solar eclipse on Aug. 11 will bring you back down to earth where you belong, making this a perfect time to explore the power of touch. Let your fingers do the walking when it comes to exploring your erogenous zones and take your bedroom antics to new orgasmic heights. Your education will end on Sept. 30, when Pluto goes direct in Capricorn, by which time you’ll be an erotic expert.

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

Your normally chatty nature gets a boost from the solar eclipse in Leo on Aug. 11, but instead of using your impeccable oral skills for talking, put them to use on your partner. They’ll be delighted to see that you can fulfill them mentally and sexually. While you may feel you’re giving and not receiving, Sept. 22 brings bountiful rewards for your erotic eloquence in all its permutations.

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

The eclipse on Aug. 11 will boost your self-esteem and your sex drive, giving you the power to speak your mind and quench your thirst. Take the lead on Aug. 12 by asking your crush out on a date that ends up rounding all the bases. Pursuing them with full force will lead them to stand by you through the last days of summer, with a possible commitment on Sept. 30. 

By Sonia Ortiz
Illustrated by Ada Buchholc
This article originally appeared in the August/September 2018  print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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When researching into the state of American public school’s sex ed regulations, the results are concerning. The Guttmacher Institute reports that only 24 states and Washington, D.C. require sex ed to be taught in schools. Another study, also by the Guttmacher Institute and conducted from 2011-2013, found that 43% of teenage girls and 57% of teenage boys did not know about birth control before the first time they had sex.

The state of sex ed is even more alarming for LGBTQ students, given the fact that even at more progressive schools that teach sex ed, LGBTQ relationships are rarely talked about. According to a Public Religion Research Institute survey in 2015, less than 13% of millennials had received sex ed that included information for LGBTQ students.

In an article about the importance of sex ed, Psychology Today compared abstinence-only education—the platform that many states place value in—to not teaching teenagers how to drive a car, due to fear of accidents. The article then goes on to say that sex education should not just be focused on “the negative aspects of sex, such as preventing STIs, avoiding pregnancies, and overall harm reduction.” Instead, we should be focusing on “sexuality as a normative and positive part of human experience and approach the sexual body as part of the human body.”

O.School is working to combat these systemic problems with access to sex ed. It’s is an online sexual education website that seeks to teach people about their sexual selves in a way free from shame and discrimination. The site publishes daily live streams with “Pleasure Professionals,” experts from different fields who have knowledge on sexual subjects ranging from which vibrators are the best to how to unlearn gender norms in LGBT relationships. Anyone who has internet access can connect to O.school and be in a shame-free environment where the goal is for everyone to learn how to have the sex and relationships that they deserve.

In the website’s introduction video, founder and CEO Andrea Barrica discusses how she attended a Catholic high school where she was told that every time she had sex her personal value would decrease. This form of sex education caused her to have issues with her sexual relationships because of the shame that she felt. Now, Barrica is using her voice, creating videos like “What I Wish I Knew at 18” to tell people that “as long as it’s between two consenting adults, there’s really nothing to be ashamed about when it comes to what you want in the bedroom.”

In a video posted on O.school titled “From the Bedroom to the Boardroom” Barrica discusses how she was inspired to start the platform after she realized how much more confident she became at work once she was experiencing pleasure in sex. She then highlights the importance of pleasure, as she claims that having good sex–and being able to ask for what she wanted in bed– gave her the confidence she needed at work. Once she realized this change, she felt inspired to help others feel this confidence. She started O.school to reach for the younger generation so that they would start their sexual experiences with the knowledge that she had to learn later.

O.school is a unique resource in that it teaches a variety of concepts for a variety of different people. O.school live stream topics include how to deal with body shaming, what men can do in the era of #MeToo, or simply: how to make out with someone. All of these livestream conversations serve the company’s goal of helping people “overcome shame, heal from trauma, and develop skills to communicate and set boundaries in the pursuit of your sexual pleasure.”

These topics are covered by a record amount of diversity, as according to Forbes, over half of the website’s “Pleasure Professionals” are people of color, over 70% identify as LGBTQ and over 15% are trans or non-binary. Now, no matter what area a person lives in, they can go online and learn from someone with similar experiences to them. Pleasure Professionals are physical therapists, practicing doctors, trauma therapists, social workers and even religious chaplains. Their variety of experiences and knowledge areas allows for all people to learn from those that they can identify with.

In an age where sexual freedom and access to health care are up in the air, there is comfort knowing that no matter what government policy, people can find a “sex-positive oasis” online that will lead them to their best life- full of pleasure, knowledge and free from shame.

Photo Credit: O.school / Andrea Barrica

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Looking for something new to get your motor running? Try Math, a feminist, pornographic print magazine that according to its publisher, Brooklyn-based artist Mackenzie Peck, “creates environments for sexual discovery and fantasy without shame or fear.” Beautifully photographed in a way that celebrates the complexities of human sexuality, Math showcases a variety of body shapes, ages, colors, and sizes, and also includes several erotic essays for those who prefer words to pictures. Brimming with kink, cool interviews, penises, and pussies, it has something hot for everyone.

When asked why she started Math—a name she chose for its “cheeky secrecy”—Peck explains, “I think this is one way to change the world, through subtle subversion. I’m leading by example, envisioning a different future for media, sexuality, expression, and how we relate to one another.” An issue costs $18 and can be ordered online at math-mag.com. 

By Laurie Henzel

This article originally appeared in the June/July 2018  print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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Things were tough in WWII, but some enterprising young women in the U.S. came up with a devious money-making scheme, at the expense of some poor hapless soldiers.

See, in the U.S. if you were married to a soldier you were entitled to a $20 a week “allotment” if they were shipped overseas to fight during the War, and if they were killed in action, you were entitled to $10,000!

Obviously this allotment was a godsend to wives who had families to feed whilst their husbands were at war. BUT the Army was so busy helping out with the war they didn’t keep too close an eye on who was claiming these benefits…

With such a lax system in place it’d be real easy, if you were a nefarious kinda gal, to marry a couple of soldiers, change your last name, and just keep claiming that sweet, sweet cash.

Making it rain with moral dubiousness!

WOMEN THAT DID THIS BECAME KNOWN AS ALLOTMENT ANNIES. 

“Annies” often racked up multiple husbands, and because of the huge death tolls during the war they didn’t have to worry too much about getting caught; since the poor schmuck they married was likely to get killed off before coming home and finding a new hubby in his place.

It goes without saying that Allotment Annies weren’t very popular people. Never mind breaking some soldier’s heart who’s been out fighting a horrendous war and is likely scarred for life – add finding out your Mrs. is a bigamist; thats one mighty kick in the nuts.

The most famous Allotment Annie was Elvira Taylor. Elvira married SIX sailors during her scam and was only foiled when two sailors in an Australian pub showed each other pics of their lovely wife… only to discover it was THE SAME WOMAN!

Fisticuffs occurred, but after beating the crap out of each other, the two men banded together, went to the police and Elvira was duly hauled off to jail.

Vivian Eggers, another notorious “Allotment Annie.”

Meanwhile, Vivian Eggers from Indianapolis managed to marry a whopping 7 soldiers, including two in ONE DAY! The logistics of that must have been fun.

Viv ended up being taken to court by all 7 of her husbands; here’s what she had to say of her crimes:

“You just get to drinking and having a good time, and you meet someone that’s kinda nice and that’s the way it happens.”

BTW, that’s an actual quote from Viv at her trial for bigamy and fraud. Yeah… the judge was unimpressed and gave her 18 months jail time.

But, a lot of Allotment Annies clapped back, claiming they were working for the war effort by giving the men something to fight and come home for. Grace Vivien Reinert, a 22-year-old Annie, told press that:

“The girls figure that they’re making the boys happy, and that before the war is over the husbands will either be killed or glad to forget about their marriages.”

In case you were wondering, Grace actually married two sailors and was claiming allotments for both of them. She ended up in jail because her husbands met up and realised they were married to the same woman when they noticed their allotment cheques were going to the same address. I guess her theory on the men being OK with it didn’t really work out.  

The army soon caught onto the Annies’ scams after they estimated that there were thousands of bigamist brides getting rich off the allotment scheme. BUT it was really hard to catch an Allotment Annie in the act; in the entire war only a few were ever actually caught.

So, the Army put together a plan to wise up their troops against wold be Annies. They created a series of adverts warning men to watch out for bigamists.

There was even a major film made about Allotment Annies:1945s film noir Allotment Wives, which stars Hollywood queen, Kay Francis, as the ringleader of a bigamy scheme to get allotment cheques. Spoiler: It doesn’t end well for her.

An example of an anti-Allotment Annie ad

After the war, the Allotment Annies were finished… not because they got caught, but because the cash flow dried up when there wasn’t a war to fight overseas.

Who knows how many women scammed the U.S. Army out of thousands of dollars. If it’s as many as the army claims, then it’s kinda hard not to be impressed by that level of ingenuity.

This was interesting, Where can I find out more? Well, I’d totally check out the film Allotment Wives for a lovely slice of over the top propaganda noir. It’s currently available to stream on Amazon, along with several other platforms.

This post originally appeared on F Yeah History and is reprinted here with permission. 

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from BUST’s Sex section, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

I’m interested in getting more involved in the BDSM community, and I want to go to my first “munch”—a casual social gathering for people interested in the lifestyle—but I’m so nervous and have no idea what to expect. Help! – A Snack

A munch is an event tailor-made for newbies, usually held in a public place, where kinky and kink-curious folks gather together to meet, be convivial, and introduce newcomers to the local scene, whether they’re beginners like you or people who just moved to town. It lets you put one toe in the water, since attending a munch is no guarantee that you will decide to go full kinkster, unless that’s a path that truly appeals.

There are solid reasons why a munch is a nervous novice’s best first point of contact. It isn’t an overly sexualized environment, so you can start your journey into the community by meeting friends, mentors, and folks with information that will be valuable for you to know, not just possible partners. It’s designed to be less intense than your first foray into a dungeon party or date with a person whose bedroom is equipped with bondage tie-downs screwed into the wall above the bed. Of course, it can be plenty nerve-wracking anyway.

First, decide who you are, kink-wise. You might not have any experience, but certainly you have some idea about what you find hot or intriguing. Do you have a sense of yourself as a potential dominant? Submissive? Switch? How will you introduce yourself and what are you curious about? If you’ve researched something about the kinds of play you’re drawn to, you will be more informed in discussions and more empowered when it’s finally time to play. There are tons of books and online resources, and it’s likely that you have already stumbled across something that points you in this direction, even if it’s erotic fantasy that isn’t exactly the same as a how-to book or video.

By all means, let people know you don’t have much experience. If you have questions about the scene, ask them. Use the same intuition that you’d take with you into a vanilla gathering. (“Vanilla” is the word kinksters use to differentiate themselves from old-fashioned people who, you know, just fuck.) Does someone seem cool? Does someone else seem like a pompous ass? Process accordingly.

The kink world has some specific folkways, for sure, but it’s also one of the most diverse communities out there, so there’s nothing stopping you from being yourself. If anyone seems to have issues with you, they are not your destined play partner. Keep looking. Plenty of people are out there with whom you can have frisky, sexy, even scary fun without leaving yourself behind. Make sure you remember your safe word and enjoy the revealing and intense journey that BDSM play can spark. 

There’s a whole book for those who are new to BDSM and want to stay safe, have fun, and meet the right people. It’s called Playing Well With Others, written by the power team of Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams. I recommend it highly. If only Anastasia Steele from Fifty Shades had had a chance to read it before that jerk with the zip ties and helicopter crashed into her life.

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here.

This article originally appeared in the June/July 2018  print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

Photo by Clarence Risher/Wikimedia Commons 

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We’re bringing you this Q&A from BUST’s Sex section, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

This is a real question. If you’re very allergic to a food like peanuts, and your partner eats that food, is it safe to rim them? Should I have an EpiPen on hand? – Nuts for Anal

If you are really allergic, such that microscopic amounts can trigger dangerous symptoms, then yes, I’d keep that EpiPen right next to the lube. Harm reduction principles suggest that if your partner cleans out their butt with a rectal rinse—sort of an enema lite—it will help, but it might not help enough. True allergies are pretty rare (food sensitivities much less so), but for those who have them, symptoms can range from discomfort to death, and I don’t want to contribute to the bad rap rimming has in some circles by getting you killed.

It might be worth breaking down the differences between food allergies and sensitivities, as well as between related reactions to latex and other contact problems like wool and such. Lots of people say they’re allergic to things like gluten, condoms, and various medications when they’re in fact sensitive or intolerant to them; these responses are not life-threatening, though they can make you miserable while the symptoms cycle through your body and make your stomach churn, your nose run, or hives break out on your wrists. But if you’re literally allergic, severe reactions can include anaphylactic shock: your blood pressure drops rapidly, your airways may narrow, and without that dose of epinephrine in your EpiPen, you could be toast. It can take multiple exposures to an allergen to get to that point, or it can happen the first time you encounter it. Sensitivities can escalate in severity, but just make you feel sick instead of being truly life threatening.

Meanwhile, your boo needs to take into account that they might inadvertently send you into anaphylactic shock with their ass and adjust their diet accordingly. If they can’t quit the crunchy peanut butter, rim them through a barrier. Adding a little lube to the other side will improve the oral barrier experience, and you’ll stay in good health to rim again another day.

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here.

This article originally appeared in the June/July 2018 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

top photo: PiccoloNamek/Wikimedia Commons

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I live and work in Austria, the land of the waltz, Mozart, and legalized sex work. This is the process I went through to become certified to have sex for money.

Registering as a self-employed sex worker involved a trip to the municipal authority of health, aka MA 15. My first trip to MA 15 took three hours, and included a gynecological check-up, a tuberculosis test, a blood test, and a meeting with a social worker.

My social worker, a kind woman in her late 50s with short hair and large earrings, explained how to write an invoice correctly. “Give one copy to the client. What he does with it is up to him,” she said. She also informed me of my obligations to register as a freelancer with an insurance provider and tax authorities.

Once my tests proved I was healthy, I received my green card—my passport to the world of sex work—the following week. What followed was a short interview with a police officer to confirm that I was legally residing in Austria, to verify that I’d had my health checkup, and to let local authorities know where I’d be working. This last detail is because any brothel, erotic massage parlor, sauna club, etc., must be registered as well, and the government wants to make sure everyone is working in legal spaces. From then on, all I had to do is go back to MA 15 for a health checkup every six weeks, which is easy and quick.

During those initial meetings with the doctors and the social worker, they all reiterated two things. First, it’s up to me how much I want to work, when I want to work, and what I want to do. Nobody can force me. I might pay a fee to use the premises of a brothel where I can sell my services, but I’m the one calling the shots on what services those might be. Second, if I’m ever in trouble of any kind, I shouldn’t hesitate to call the police. If a sex worker has a green card, there’s nothing to fear in the way of legal or professional repercussions.

This is the world that I choose to live in, because here, sex workers have choices. They are allowed a voice. Meanwhile, in the United States, legislation like the Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act (FOSTA) and Stop Enabling Sex Trafficking Act (SESTA) threaten the safety and livelihood of sex workers by driving the whole industry even further underground. Regardless of one’s personal thoughts on sex work, no laws should be enacted that aggressively threaten women’s safety. In times like these, legislators should be reminded that there are other, much saner ways to regulate this industry that is as old as commerce itself.

By Steffanie Kaetzchen

illustration: Bárbara Malagoli

This article originally appeared in the June/July 2018  print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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I’m framing this conversation very specifically around cis, straight men and women as that is my area of experience and in an effort to keep this piece representative of one concise idea; however, please take liberties to apply this dynamic to various genders or sexual identities as may apply. And if you have specific feedback or examples either within or outside of the confines of the heteronormative dynamic, please share them in the comments or send me a message. I’d love to hear your experiences!

So, you’re a man. A man who likes women. A man who likes women who knows a thing or two about how many of society’s structures are rigged to not allow women as many privileges as a men (re: equal pay, equal representation, equal rights, etc. etc. and so forth). A man who potentially likes a woman who knows a thing or two about how many of society’s structures are rigged and also shares their body and/or sexuality overtly, lovingly, and boldly. This could come in many forms: Maybe she’s a stripper, a burlesque dancer, a model, an artist, a porn actor, a dominatrix or sex worker of some sort, or simply a woman who loves her body and feeling sexy in it.
Maybe it’s the kind of like where you “like like” them, or maybe it’s the normal regular like with a side of “Man, you are sexy and amazing for sharing how sexy you are,” or maybe just a regular like with a side of “Man, you’re rad for sharing yourself in that way that—in spite of how society is set up for you to feel tons of shame and also pretty unsafe—you do it anyway!” No matter the type of like…it can be difficult as a man in any of these contexts to show your appreciation for this kind of a woman. Arguably, this could be difficult in regards to any kind of woman.

I get it. It can be tough out there. Society hasn’t shown you perfect kindness as a straight* man. Sure, you have droves of privilege in almost every industry and make more than women without even trying; however, you’re expected to be STRONG and PERFECT and have arms the size of redwood tree trunks and all the right answers all the time and take care of everything and initiate all the conversations on Tinder first and never ever cry or enjoy anything in your butt lest you’re judged to like pussy less because of it and therefore be less of a ~*man*~, but also what’s so bad about that because gender is fluid like sexuality is fluid gender isn’t real!
But I digress.

Since I started pole dancing roughly three years ago, I noticed that many straight male friends would bring up my pole videos in conversation or privately, but never “like” or publicly comment on them due to being unsure of what was appropriate or how it would be construed, most of them citing feeling nervous about seeming “creepy.” This fear of being “creepy” is one I’ve found to run rampant amongst straight men who desire to admire women. And it’s one I witnessed arise in a number of conversations I had in creating the second issue of my zine, Divine. Men viewed their sexuality at a distance, similar to how they viewed women; and on top of it, they felt unable to appropriately express their adoration or appreciation for a woman. Where was the line between appreciation and “creep?”

Fear of men is not an unfounded fear, to be certain. It was just a week ago that I received a postcard from a man who found my zine in a shop and wrote me asking for an attractive woman with XX chromosomes who would fuck him everyday. The creep lives, no doubt. But you are not a creep. You’re just a chill dude that is so nice and respectful and, probably “woke” enough that you’re paralyzed by the dichotomy of loving women and feeling sad for your gender’s plight on them. The system is rigged. But all is not lost.

Where was the line between appreciation and “creep?”

First, let me help you gain a little better understanding of how some women may feel about sharing various levels of their sexuality. My stripper, pole dancer, artist friend, Sydney Southam, asked me in a conversation about her piece for Divine how I felt about desiring objectification, such as in her case of being a stripper, or in my case of sharing nude or partially nude photos and videos of myself. We are feminists who believe in equal rights for all, and while part of this battle means fighting against the automatic sexualization and oversexualization of women’s bodies, it also encompasses the right to use and own our bodies to elicit sexuality if we so choose. So how does this world of desired objectification work? Here’s my best answer:

Chosen sexual objectification, such as that engaged in by a stripper in a strip club, lives in a world of consent just like any other act between two humans or sexual encounter. For example, if you desire to engage in a BDSM sexual act with someone—say ,  you’d like to explore spanking—you might sit down with your partner, talk about your desires, your fantasies, your needs, and your limits. Then, you would agree on a set of rules or communication tactics, and then proceed to enjoy the experience. In a strip club, the stripper has consented to perform a sexually tantalizing act for an audience. There are rules around this performance, which may include:  you don’t touch the stripper, you tip the stripper, and so on and so forth. The stripper lives in the confines of these rules and consents to have her sexuality consumed within this set of rules for the amount of time she is on the stage or in the club working that night. This does not mean she consents to have sex with you later. This does not mean she consents to literally anything else outside of that interaction, nor should she be treated with any less respect than the Queen of England or any other human on the planet. It is a relationship of consent that has rules, either spoken or implied, and lives within the confines of those boundaries. I believe this thought structure can be applied to many scenarios.

In my case, when I post a photo or video of my body framed in a sexual manner, the boundaries are definitely blurrier and much more implied; however, I do believe they follow the same construct. If I post a photo of my partially nude body on my Instagram, I consent for you to admire it in the same or similar light. I believe the rules and limits, in this case, are set and implicated by the context of them living on my Instagram account, which also houses photos of my design work, my zine, my cat, my dancing videos, selfies of my face, and even, sometimes, food. I expect that anyone who is viewing a sexual photo from this account recognizes my identity in its wholeness and receives these photos in context…which is, after all, king.

If I didn’t want you to interact with the post, I wouldn’t post it. The post is not about you. It is not about having sex with you. So, conversely, if you “like” the post or comment something supportive or appreciative on the post, I would not make it about me or about having sex with me. Within this boundary of understanding, no one is a creep and no one owes anyone anything. We are left with love, joy and celebration of sexuality and pleasure, devoid of shame or fear of safety. (How great!)

So, now on to flirting. We’ve established that posting or interacting with public sexual content does not imply that a personal sexual relationship is desired or promised to anyone, on any side of the coin. But what if it is desired? Women of this nature do desire connection and relationships just like anyone else. So how do you move from a world of public to personal sexual interaction? Well, I believe there are two main ideas at work here that I am only doing my best to parse from my own personal experiences; but I will share them for the insight they may hold for you:

The first is that—as someone who works with and around sexuality—I find a man who can accomplish public part of this equation, i.e. navigating sexuality in the world in a way where he’s able to admire it and engage it in a positive, loving, and self aware way, yet in a way that does not have to relate to whether or not he will ever have sex with that person, as the biggest turn-on. If you don’t know how to separate your public, ideological, general appreciation of sexuality from your personal relationships and intimate intentions, this is your homework. If you do, you need to have confidence in the fact that you are rare and that this quality is incredibly sexy. I’ve found that with the latter, I have to actually invite the man to bring thoughts to a personal place. I have to give him super explicit permission to look at my photos and fantasize about the two of us, because in this case, I do desire that personal interaction. But this type of person is typically also well-versed in explicit consent, and so both parties are very happy to exist in this manner. On somewhat of a side note, I’ve also given explicit permission to men to fantasize to my photos while also making it clear that I’m not interested in a personal relationship. I’m happy if my photos bring pleasure and healing, as long as the boundary is clear. In any case, everyone is operating through and around clear communication as consent.

The second part to this formula is closely related to the first, but I feel is worth calling out on its own. And that is: Sexual feminist women have X-ray vision for bullshit. We have done a lot of work to love a part of ourselves that society has worked super hard to demonize and laden with shame and fear for ages. We’ve been forced to examine our identities, our relationships, and the world around us; and we have to navigate our boundaries and needs constantly, everyday. It forces a level of self awareness on us that is not forced on you, as a privileged cishet man (extra privilege points for being white!). So if you’ve been walking around for decades living in an illusion of self, we will know. If you’ve been “spitting game” at repressed women for years, and you’re confused why it’s not working with your feminist dream girl—there you have it.

All of this constant navigation of our identities in an inhospitable environment is tiring. All we want is to relax and go with the flow, but it just so happens society does not go with our flow. Its tide rages against our shores, tearing at us every chance it gets. So when we think about dating, making out, or wanting to get naked with someone, toxic masculinity, attempts at “game,” or any kind of bravado will have us yawning before you can even buy us a drink.

We love communication and consent. You can never overdo consent. Consent is super sexy!

To summarize: You are not walking in a minefield, you are just flirting with a feminist, potentially a sexual feminist. And she’s just a person who wants to feel connected and listened to and supported like any other. Someone who wants to have fun and relax in spite of all of the annoying, tiring, sometimes lonely and terrifying situations dating can put us in. Engage with us. Celebrate with us. Love sexuality with us. And be genuine to yourself and with us.

Society has done the straight man much kindness, but also leaves a lot to be desired in terms of bodies, sex and relationships. We don’t need you to make the first move or be the biggest or the loudest or the most confident in the room. We don’t need you to be perfect all the time or have all the answers. We just need you to understand us, listen to us, be kind and respectful of us. And if there’s anything you’re unsure about, ask. We love communication and consent. You can never overdo consent. Consent is super sexy! And in this process of listening and asking and understanding—who knows—maybe you’ll even find a joy and wholeness in your own sexuality that you never thought possible.

Excerpted from Divine magazine

Divine is a sex-positive art and story zine created, curated and published by Jillian Adel in Los Angeles, CA. It’s mission is to authenticate and deepen connections to the self and those around us by making work that celebrates a diverse range of sexuality, gender, identity, relationship and bodies.

The third issue, Divine 003: Men, was released May 18th and features 11 contributors that span a range of locale, medium, and experience in a self-published, 5.5×8.5 in. 60-page booklet, accompanied by a limited-run, risograph booklet / fold-out poster.

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From BUST’s June/July 2018 issue, astrologist Sonia Ortiz shares her astrological advice for ladies looking to get laid. 

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

Summer lovin’ happened so fast! After diving headfirst into a new relationship, you’re reassessing if you want to be committed. After all, your free-spirited nature forces you to fall in love every day. Decide if your partner makes the cut. Use your Mercurial gifts to evaluate them. If you decide to move on, you will bounce back fast—just in time to meet another summertime fling.

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

Known for your quiet nature, you’ve recently become a chatterbox. Speak up about your needs and indulge in some dirty talk to create magic between the sheets. You’ll be eager to please during the full moon on June 28, but have patience when your partner expresses their desires. The solar eclipse in Cancer on July 12 will inspire you to take charge in the boudoir and put the focus on you!

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

Your attentions are turned these days toward giving rather than receiving. And you’re known to have a generous spirit. However, don’t let others take advantage of your kindness and don’t do all the work in bed or in the relationship—let your partner meet you half way. Take turns pleasing each other and insist that you both reciprocate and practice proper sexual etiquette. It’s only fair!

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Love is the last thing on your mind until the full moon on June 28. Instead, your energies are more focused on connecting with old friends. But you’ll find your latest crush via friends’ social media accounts. Follow a new hottie, post flirty photos, and your new Instagram crush will make their move by the end of the month. A dreamy date during the full moon will make your heart sing with joy.

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Bust out your pleather catsuit and whips, because you’ll be having plenty of erotic adventures! Sexual experimentation is on the horizon, since you’re in the mood to spice things up with your partner(s). But take my advice: write down your safe word and have an extra set of handcuff keys available, since Mercury may provide some tricky mishaps. Your afterglow will leave you blushing.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

This season, you’re on the hunt for a new beau. But be careful to look before you leap—the object of your desires may misrepresent themselves. Regardless, you’ll have plenty of other opportunities to meet new prospects. The full moon June 28 is an extra special day for an online romance to fly high, so plan a sensual date with your latest Tinder find and dance into the night.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Take a walk on the wild side and open up to your partner about your darkest desires. Don’t be afraid to unleash your freaky side. This time of year pushes you to abandon your more pristine sexual views and express yourself—without judgment from others. You may be surprised by the reaction, as your partner will be totally on board to fill your love tank with some fun and unfiltered sexual experiences.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your sexual inclinations may be changing, causing you to turn your desires inward. You’re a solitary, take-charge kinda person, but don’t pleasure yourself alone. Include your partner. Allow them to watch from the sidelines as you enjoy yourself. This will help your relationship grow and create intimacy between you both. Besides, we all need a cheerleader as we cross the finish line.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Known for your unique tastes, you’re redefining your sexual cravings and stepping into spring with a hopeful new vibe. The new moon on June 13 has you eager to try something new—perhaps a sex party. Observing others in their element, flirting with reckless abandon, and sharing a kiss with a beautiful stranger may give you the push you need to get your groove back after a hard winter. 

Pisces
Feb. 19 to Mar. 20

Don’t swim away from your relationships. Although this season may test your limits, it’s important to keep open lines of communication. Being honest will elevate and strengthen your relationship. Share fantasies and erotic visions to bring your relationship to new heights. If you’re shy, send a seductive midday sext to get your point across. You will be heard loud and clear.

Aries
Mar. 21 to Apr. 19

Work has been at the forefront of your mind over the past few months. As projects come to a close, you’ll have the freedom to enjoy your summer evenings. It’s the ideal time to take your honey out for some fun, so dress up for a night out and reconnect with witty banter. If you’re single, don’t worry—you’ll meet your new boo when you least expect it, and the chemistry will be instantaneous.

Taurus
Apr. 20 to May 20

Talk is cheap! Put your money where your mouth is and charge toward your passions. You are currently seeking cheap thrills, but make sure you’re honest with your partner(s) lest you give anyone the wrong impression. Being truthful about your lusty intentions will create balance in your relationships. It will also give you more motivation to pursue your dreams outside of the bedroom.

By Sonia Ortiz
Illustrated by Ada Buchholc

This article originally appeared in the June/July 2018  print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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This might be the weirdest sex toy we’ve seen—and that’s saying something.

Adult game maker Nutaku (as in online hentai games, not sexy dice or anything) has released a sex toy called the “Flick’N’Jerk,” modeled on your favorite toy from elementary school, the Bop-It Extreme. Like the Bop-It Extreme, the Flick’N’Jerk has four handles with a different toy on each end. Unlike the Bop-It Extreme, these toys are meant to come into contact with your genitalia and anus. There’s a 12-inch dildo, a vibrator, a “stroker” (aka an off-brand Fleshlight), and a butt plug (or, as Nutaku calls it, “blissful booty bling”). 

This is what it looks like:

via Nutaku

As if that wasn’t enough, its tagline is “Do you have what it takes to rub on it, suck on it, ride on it, plug on it, and pound on it?!”

Did you hear that tagline in the ‘90s Bop-It commercial voice? I did.

According to Motherboard, Nutaku announced the toy in celebration of National Masturbation Day on May 28th. But there are a few issues—maybe because, as Mashable reports, the “Flick’N’Jerk” is Nutaku’s first real-life product. And it shows. As Gizmodo points out, “Anyone with a vagina could tell you that the vibrator intended for clitoral stimulation is facing the wrong way.” Oops?

top photo: “vintage” Bop-It Extreme via Etsy

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2017 was an exceptionally busy year for me, both in and out of bed, and somehow I managed to miss my yearly gynecologist checkup. So when myLAB’s Uber Box home STD testing kit arrived at BUST HQ, I snatched it up like Gollum and ran off to make sure everything was kosher in my undercarriage.

The Uber, which retails for $269, tests for herpes simplex type II, HIV I and II, hepatitis C, syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and trichomoniasis. As advertised, it was shipped in a discreet box, and all I had to do was swab my vadge and prick my finger as instructed, then send the samples off to myLAB in a postage-paid package.

Although the instructions aren’t too involved, I was nervous I would accidentally contaminate my samples or that I hadn’t included enough blood to test. The myLAB testing kit uses a finger prick to collect samples, which is good news for those of us who are squeamish about getting blood drawn from the vein. Then again, I had to squeeze my finger to get enough blood out, which was a messy business, and there were a few seconds where I just wasn’t sure I would be able to get ‘er done. Nevertheless, I persisted. I got the results back in less than a week through the myLAB website, and while I’m diligent about condom use, I was still greatly relieved to get good news.

MyLab offers different tiers of testing packages to cover a variety of needs. The Safe Box, which tests for chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV, retails for $189. The Total Box tests for 14 different STDs, including HPV for an extra $30 for women over 30, and it goes the extra mile with genital, rectal, and throat tests for gonorrhea and chlamydia. (As per the FAQ, trans, cis-male, and nonbinary folks should choose the “Male” testing kit, which only tests your pee, as opposed to the “Female” testing kit, which relies on a vaginal swab.) You can also order different tests à la carte for $79 a pop to create a kit for what you’re most concerned about. Or, you can get super romantic and surprise your boo with a Love Box for 2 for $499. There are also gift cards available for when you just don’t know what to get someone for their birthday.

A myLAB kit isn’t necessarily cheaper or more reliable than popping into Planned Parenthood or other healthcare clinics, but there are plenty of people who either can’t or don’t want to go to get tested in person. The FAQ recommends that you still see your regular doctor and that it shouldn’t be a replacement for a yearly check-up, so I’ll definitely be hitting up my gyno in 2018. But in the meantime, I feel better about getting busy with new partners thanks to myLAB.

By Jenni Miller
Illustrated by Sibel Ekemen

This article originally appeared in the April/May 2018  print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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Are blood tests for herpes useful? I’ve never had a breakout, but I don’t want to unknowingly pass it on to partners. –Dating Mindfully

I don’t recommend a blood test, though there are such tests and you could take one. The biggest reason to do it doesn’t have to do with your current or future partners; it’s related to whether you might become pregnant and possibly pass it on during a vaginal birth.

There’s a PCR blood test that’s thought to be quite accurate, but false positives are possible. False negatives occur as well, especially early after one is infected. As with other STD tests (including HIV), viral load needs to increase or antibodies need time to form before the test is accurate. There’s an antibody test as well, which can distinguish between Types 1 and 2 (oral and genital herpes, either strain of which can affect either physical area, generally with oral sex passing one type to the other bodily area).

As for sexual transmission, here are some questions to consider. Is herpes your only concern? There are other conditions that can be passed sexually, all of which are largely preventable via barrier methods, and if it’s worth knowing whether you have an STD, it’s also worth avoiding one in the first place. If you do find you have herpes, what’s the plan? Disclosure? Safer sex? Avoiding sex? It’s a good idea to think this through so you’re prepared to have the necessary conversations if you do find you’re an asymptomatic carrier. Herpes is one of the STIs that may be passed in spite of using barriers, mainly because one can get outbreaks in places that aren’t protected by barriers, and because it might not always be clear that an outbreak is imminent. This is one of the things that make herpes so daunting.

You seem more worried about passing an STD than contracting one, which concerns me. Many people displace anxiety about their sexual activity onto the possibility of getting or giving a disease, and if that were happening with you, it would be valuable to untangle those feelings. STDs are common and part of the risk we run when having sex, but so are these responses—which ironically can get in the way of our ability to communicate about safety. Herpes is very common and not a scarlet letter.

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

Got a sex question? Submit it here (anonymously!) and it may be answered in an upcoming issue of BUST magazine. 

This article originally appeared in the April/May 2018  print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

Top photo by Markus Spiske/Flickr Creative Commons

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DJ Khaled, Oral Sex And The Orgasm Gap

Since the reappearance of this interview, celebrities and commoners alike have weighed in dismissing DJ Khaled’s antiquated ideas and voicing support for female sexual pleasure. When I saw the original story, I felt like America’s Next Top Model Cycle 4 Tyra Banks as I sat screaming at my phone screen, “WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!” After all, DJ Khaled appears like a good guy. He perfectly plays the role of an attentive father, dressing his son in adorable miniature two-piece suites, giving the four-month-old an executive procedure credit on his latest album, and frequently declaring that his son is his best friend. All of this is so cute and seemingly pure that it might be one of the few things that all Americans can currently agree on. To say we’ve been crushed by this revelation is an understatement. However, while DJ Khaled is the most recent man to make headlines for essentially declaring female sexual pleasure as optional, this idea isn’t new. Women’s sexual pleasure has been pushed aside for most of America’s history. 

“DJ Khaled’s outdated ideas about men abiding by different rules than women are not only immature, but perpetuate the dangerous idea that women and men shouldn’t expect equality in sex, relationships, careers, or life.”

America has made some progress in our public view of women. Generally, as a people, we now believe women are capable of working outside the home, we believe they deserve the right the vote, and we’re starting to believe that women deserve to be paid as much as men for equal work. Our country cares about the wage gap, at least during televised conferences and in op-ed pieces. While you might be hard pressed to find a man willing to go on record saying women deserve to make less money than men for the same job, men still seem comfortable believing women coming out of the same sexual experience sans orgasm is acceptable. We’ve managed to wrap our heads around the pay gap, but there is still a mental discrepancy with the orgasm gap. Modern sex is primarily a vehicle of pleasure, not procreation, so shouldn’t everyone engaging in it come away with an orgasm, or at least a solid attempt at one?

In 2015, a study in Great Britain showed disparities among gender and oral sex while also providing a broader cultural understanding of why this occurs. The study was one of the first to show (which won’t be groundbreaking news to any woman) that we’re socialized to value’s men sexual pleasure over women’s, and that we’re socialized to believe female genitalia is “gross” and “dirty.” For many women, we’ve long been told that keeping a man sexually fulfilled is the best way to keep him around. For centuries, women have worried about men looking elsewhere for sex and stressed over keeping their boyfriends and husbands sexually satisfied. Furthermore, we’ve been conditioned to believe it’s normal for men to feel justified cheating if women don’t provide them with enough sex.

As for female genitalia being viewed culturally as gross and disgusting, this is seen in the form of product creation and advertisement. Summer’s Eve is of the most mainstream successful vaginal washes/douches products created to feed off of women’s fears about having unpleasant vaginal odors. No true medical or hygienic need for this product exists. In fact, it’s been proven countless times that douching can be harmful, and at the very least it’s unnecessary. Your vagina is fine as-is; it’s generally self-cleaning, like an oven, and only needs to be washed with soap and water. Sure, if it’s hot outside and you’ve taken a spin class, it might not smell like…Summer’s Eve Island Splash, but neither does your armpit. Humans are aromatic, living creatures—and Axe Body Spray hasn’t created a line of products to keep men’s musty, dick-cheese scent at bay. Men’s genitalia doesn’t smell like Island Splash after a spin class, either.

Summer’s Eve

According to the 2015 study, women’s fear of their own bodies have caused a discrepancy in how well they are able to enjoy oral sex compared to men. The women in the study felt “reluctant” and “shy” about receiving oral sex compared to their male counterparts, due to anxiety surrounding their partner’s perceived reaction to their body.

It hasn’t helped women that the fields of medicine and psychology have long devalued women’s pleasure. Freud famously stated that clitoral orgasms were “adolescent,” and as women mature, so should their orgasms (meaning that once women start having sex with me, they should orgasm through penetration). However, in 2017 one of the most comprehensive studies about female orgasms was published in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy. The study found that a mere 18% of women could achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. Almost half of women in the study reported that they need clitoral stimulation in order to achieve orgasm. 

The orgasm gap is real, and while making sure everyone is getting off is individually important, the cultural impact of the orgasm gap far exceeds the bedroom. Caring about women’s sexual pleasure correlates to how we view women as equal human beings, and not merely as vessels for men’s wants and needs. Valuing women’s sexual pleasure means that, as a culture, we view them as humans who deserve equal treatment across all sectors of life. This translates into equal pay, appropriate work place treatment, and a decrease in sexual violence and harassment towards women. While various reasons exist for sexual harassment and assault, one glaring factor is that women are viewed as sexual objects to men. Men need to stop feeling comfortable perceiving women as things that give and objects to take from. DJ Khaled’s outdated ideas about men abiding by different rules than women are not only immature, but perpetuate the dangerous idea that women and men shouldn’t expect equality in sex, relationships, careers, or life.

top photo: still from “You Mine” by DJ Khaled via YouTube

Published May 5, 2018

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Straight Women Are Having The Fewest Orgasms Because Straight Men Won’t Go Down On Them

“My Boyfriend Promises To Go Down On Me—And Then Doesn’t. What Do I Do?”

“My Husband Is Bad At Going Down On Me—How Do I Help Him Get Better?”

We’re bringing you this Q&A from BUST’s Sex section, featuring advice from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

I have problems achieving orgasm. It has to be the right situation, the right partner, the right mood, the right moment, and the right environment. Sometimes I can’t orgasm while masturbating. My partners can become frustrated with not being able to give me the pleasure I give them, and then I become frustrated. How can I become more acquainted with myself in this fast-paced and instant-gratification kind of world? What can I say to my partners about a slow sexual experience? –No O

I’m sure lots of readers relate to this question, and there are many reasons orgasms might not come easily. You could add a strong vibrator into the mix, but even that might not get you there faster. There’s no way to speed yourself up short of accessing higher levels of arousal, and sometimes even that doesn’t quicken the pace, just the intensity, and pleasure. Remember, at least 70 percent of women never or inconsistently orgasm during partner sex.

If you find yourself worrying about coming instead of focusing on erotic sensations or thoughts, you’re stepping on your own tail. It’s super important that you get out of your head. Rushing through a sexual experience is likewise a recipe for orgasm problems. Birth control, anti-depressants, and other medications can also interfere with arousal and orgasm. If you’re on anything, ask your doc or pharmacist about possible sexual side effects.

Several elements are important for facilitating orgasm. It matters that you’re comfortable, which can mean basic comfort about sex and your relationship, absence of shame or anxiety, or even the temperature of the room. You also need to know what turns you on and be able to communicate it to your partner. Arousal is crucial for achieving orgasm, which is a reflex based on a build-up of pleasurable tension. Time—that is, the duration of stimulation—is an important factor as well, because of this charge-and-release quality of orgasm. You can’t force any of this; you have to get familiar with what works for you and supports your turn-on.

Deep breathing is a way to get into your body’s rhythm, which can also build arousal. When stimulating yourself or getting stimulated by a partner, try moving your hips. Adding a toy or stimulating multiple sensitive zones at the same time can lead to what’s called a “blended orgasm.” It’s also often stronger and/or easier to achieve because you’re engaging more of your neurology. Think clitoris plus vagina or nipples, vadge plus anus, or anything pleasurable plus deep kissing.

Much of this involves communication. It can help to start talking before things get overly sexy. Ask your partner what kinds of sexual things they like, and tell them what’s most likely to give you pleasure. Once sex is happening, positive feedback helps reinforce what’s working for you and also gives you space to ask for things to change.

The right partner is the one you find attractive and who cares about having a mutually erotic experience. If they aren’t responding in a way that says, “I get it, I love knowing more about how to please you, think of how much hot fun we’re about to have,” consider not fucking them and for the title how about “How Can I Have More Orgasms?”

Carol Queen’s latest book (written with Shar Rednour) is The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

Got a sex or relationship question you need answered? Submit it here.

This article originally appeared in the April/May 2018 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

Top photo: Broad City/Comedy Central 

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Whatever Happened To Those Girls Who Signed “Purity Pledges”? Hint: It’s Not Good

What’s Your April Sex Horoscope?

Sex Ed Should Teach Girls About Sexual Pleasure

When Jamie A. had sex for the first time, she hoped it would be special. She’d waited until she was 27, and she imagined that her boyfriend—who was 35—would be thrilled when she revealed she was a virgin. She assumed they’d marry and that the relationship would finally bring her the deep fulfillment she’d longed for all through her 20s. But, instead of pleasing him, her inexperience disturbed her boyfriend. Their relationship ended soon after they first had sex, and Jamie’s sense of self-worth was shattered. She’d been raised to believe that any sexual feelings or actions outside heterosexual marriage were sinful, and that her worth lay mainly in her role as a virgin bride. Now that she was no longer a virgin and the man she’d planned to marry was gone, she didn’t know who she was anymore. She needed therapy in order to begin to untangle her sexuality and sense of self from her religious past. Her story might sound extreme—but it’s not unique. Thanks to the internet, thousands of other people like Jamie, whose lives were drastically affected by purity culture, are now connecting with each other, finding help, and making their voices heard.

According to the latest statistics, the average American loses their virginity at around 17. But between 1994 and 2004, as many as 2.5 million American youth signed abstinence pledges, promising to abstain from sex before marriage. The movement swept through conservative circles, with church youth groups passing out purity rings, meant to serve as placeholders for future wedding rings—symbols of chastity to be given to the wearer’s spouse on their wedding day. Girls as young as seven started attending father/daughter purity balls to pledge their abstinence until marriage, their fathers vowing to be the keepers of their daughters’ virginity.

At the height of the abstinence pledge craze, over a million copies of the 1997 book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, were snapped up by families who wanted to keep their teens chaste. In it, 21-year-old author Joshua Harris—who’d gotten his start editing a Christian homeschooling magazine—urged young people to opt out of dating and try courtship instead, spending time with each other only in the midst of family or in groups, and saving all physical contact for marriage.

“Looking back on my teenage years, the main focus of youth group and girls’ Bible study was always centered on sexual purity,” says Annie P., who, as a Presbyterian pastor’s daughter, grew up in the church. “As a teenager, I saw a certain appeal to Harris’ model of courtship, because it seemed to be a formula to prevent all risk and guarantee a happy ending: Don’t date, plus have strict physical boundaries, equals find true love forever. So I signed my ‘True Love Waits’ pledge card, and fully intended to save sex for marriage—which, incidentally, I assumed would happen around 22 or 23.”

Contrary to her assumptions about the way her life would go, Annie was not married by age 23. And when she finally decided she was ready to have sex, married or not, it still wasn’t a straightforward proposition. Dating in her late 20s and early 30s, she met men for whom her virginity was a dealbreaker—even if she was willing to have sex with them. “Several men in a row wouldn’t do it just because they didn’t want the responsibility—their word, not mine—of being my first,” she says. “A few rounds of that left me feeling ashamed and broken. Ironically, the very things I was hoping that saving sex for marriage would prevent me from ever feeling were happening to me anyway.”

“I went through years of self-hatred, not only because same-gender attraction was sinful, but sex in general was basically sinful unless it was in heterosexual marriage.”

Many others who signed similar pledge cards or wore purity rings also never had that fairytale virgin wedding. One study by Janet Elise Rosenbaum, published in the journal Pediatrics in 2009, found that young people who pledged their abstinence were just as likely to wind up having premarital sex as those who did not pledge. Clearly, many pledgers never intended to save sex for marriage in the first place. But those who did take the pledge seriously—especially those raised in conservative, religious communities—internalized that ideal deeply. And for them, dealing with the fallout from that promise has been an ongoing process.

For example, in the early 2000s, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers began noticing an alarming trend. A clinical sex therapist, family therapist, and associate professor at Seattle Pacific University, she would ask the grad students in her human sexuality class—most of them aspiring therapists—to write the stories of their own sexuality. After years of asking the same questions, she suddenly saw a sharp uptick in students describing feelings of humiliation and disgust toward their bodies and sexual identities. These students all seemed to share a sense of general ignorance and naiveté about sex and relationships, as well as a deep discomfort with natural sexual urges. “This dramatic increase in self-loathing was really heartbreaking for me to see,” says Schermer Sellers. When the trend continued into a third year, she decided to investigate what was behind it.

Digging deeper, she found that many of her students had been involved in youth groups that taught them not only to abstain from sex before marriage, but also that they should not feel any sexual desire at all. “They learned that if you feel [desire], you’re compromising your relationship with God or with your future partner,” she explains. She heard story after story of teenagers circled up in youth group meetings. “They would pass around a slice of pizza, and tell everyone to take one bite out of it, explaining that if you give your heart away while you’re growing up, it’s like giving pieces of yourself away,” she says. “The piece of pizza would go around the circle, and all that would be left was the crust—and this is what you’d give your future partner.” She heard similar tales about shiny pieces of foil being crumpled, or flowers with petals ripped off, or a cup everyone was asked to spit into.

But the deep shame and problems with intimacy and attachment Schermer Sellers observed weren’t limited to people with religious backgrounds. “Many of them were getting this from their public education as well,” she says. “By the time the purity movement got started, we’d already been pumping billions of dollars into abstinence-only sex education.” Schermer Sellers explains that, historically, this kind of conservative backlash often comes in response to rapid changes in culture. “We’d just come out of the ’60s and ’70s,” she says. “And then we had AIDS and the economic downturn, and a push back against second-wave feminism—the time was ripe for the fear-mongering message of the ’80s.”

It was this kind of fear-mongering education, or lack thereof, that left Jamie—the woman who waited until 27 to have sex, but then broke up with her boyfriend afterward—feeling like a kindergartner when she finally embarked on a new life as a sexually active, single adult. At first, it was a struggle to shake the feeling that if she slept with a man, she should also marry him. Plus, she’d never given thought to using protection during sex—because premarital sex simply had not played into her life plan. She got pregnant in her 30s and had an abortion. “I felt really angry that I was 31 years old and reckless with my birth control,” she says. “It’s a wonder I don’t have an STD.” And she’s not the only one with this experience; Rosenbaum’s study in Pediatrics found that young people who’d pledged abstinence were actually less likely to use birth control or condoms in general when they did become sexually active.

“I felt that I had broken a sacred promise, like I was filthy and tainted.”

“Many of these women don’t know their bodies, because they don’t go anywhere near their vulva or vagina—they never touch themselves, or if they do, they feel horrible about it,” says Schermer Sellers. For many who grew up in communities of faith, any hint of sexuality was seen as a sin. Masturbation, therefore, was also unspeakable. For people like Becky H.—from Fort Worth, TX—the message that sexual feelings themselves were sinful was even more troublesome. As she realized she had feelings for people of the same gender, a double portion of guilt rained down on her. “I went through years of self-hatred and doubt, not only because same-gender attraction was sinful, but sex in general was basically sinful unless it was in heterosexual marriage,” she says.

But the side effects of this movement aren’t purely psychological or sexual. Women raised in purity culture are also at greater risk for entering into abusive relationships or other dangerous situations. According to former fundamentalist Mandy Nicole, a yoga instructor who lives in the Pacific Northwest, “When women are not taught anything about sex—that it should be pleasurable for them, that their partners should listen to them and care about their needs, that they are allowed to say no, that they should never be coerced, guilted, or forced into having sex—women go into the sexual phase of their lives completely unprepared. It leaves them very vulnerable to being used, manipulated, and abused.” Growing up in an Independent Fundamental Baptist church, Mandy received a purity ring from her father when she was around nine years old. “My mom gave my sister and I the ‘sex talk’ when I was around eight and my sister was about six,” she says. “We learned about sperm and eggs but no information about the mechanics of it all. After that, it was a strictly taboo topic.” Her family did not allow her or her siblings to watch any television or movies depicting sex or even heavy kissing. Books that discussed sex were also prohibited. Eventually, by majoring in women’s and gender studies at Eastern Washington University, she began actively studying purity culture—and is now launching an online publication by and for people who’ve left fundamental evangelicalism and are “navigating life on the outside.”

Sheila O.’s story resonates closely with Mandy’s. In a program called Passport2Purity, she committed to abstinence as a teenager. Feeling very strongly that purity was important to God, she stuck to her abstinence through high school—until she began her first and only serious relationship. When her boyfriend told her they were going to get married, she believed him, and had sex with him. “Then he broke up with me and I was devastated,” she says. “At the time, I felt that I had broken a sacred promise—the most important promise I’d ever made. I felt like I was filthy and tainted. We ended up getting back together a year later and I married him, in part, because I believed I needed to marry the first man I slept with.” In the marriage, she was racked with guilt for enjoying sex. “I felt dirty every time, which inhibited me from being intimate on any real level.” The marriage became abusive and unhealthy, she explains. “I finally left after he got physical with me in front of my daughter.”

For survivors of purity culture, even just trying to date is fraught with fear. “I was afraid to like someone, to trust someone, to offer my heart to someone, unless I had some sort of divine ‘knowing’ that this was the person I would be with forever,” says pastor’s daughter Annie. “Because if I gave a part of myself to that person, physical or otherwise, I was convinced I would never be able to get it back, thus becoming a non-whole person for the rest of my life.” Despite these obstacles, Annie says she doesn’t harbor bitterness or resentment toward her upbringing—she says she’s grateful she was raised to value sex as significant and weighty. But, she says, she also wishes she’d known it wasn’t something to fear.

Another common sentiment from women raised this way is a struggle to turn the sexual switch on when the time comes. After a lifetime of viewing any sexual feeling or desire as evil, suddenly trying to embrace sexual feelings can be difficult. For some, that extends even to clothes and makeup. Many grew up hearing that it was a woman’s job to dress modestly to keep men from sinning by thinking sexual thoughts about them. “A lot of the responsibility was on me,” says Sarah Park, who was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. “If I had improper clothing on, it could cause a boy to do something bad to me.”

“I couldn’t dress up or feel like I looked good—all of that was shameful.”

For Jamie, it’s been a journey even to be comfortable wearing clothes that make her feel attractive. She recalls going on a date in a simple halter dress. “At the last minute, I threw a baggy shirt over it because I felt like it was too flaunty,” she says. “I’d been told, starting with the purity movement, that confidence is wrong. I couldn’t dress up or feel like I looked good—all of that was shameful.”

The past two years have seen a growing online backlash against the messaging of the purity movement. The Twitter hashtag #kissshamegoodbye took flight in 2016, in response to stories in The Washington Post, on NPR, and on Slate.com about Joshua Harris. Harris was beginning a public-facing reevaluation of the impact of I Kissed Dating Goodbye. And in November 2017, he released a TEDx Talk, in which he says he realizes he “misguided and even hurt some people.”

For Schermer Sellers—who ultimately shifted gears professionally, focusing on studying the effects of purity culture and writing the book Sex, God, & The Conservative Church: Erasing Shame From Sexual Intimacy, in 2017—Harris’ talk fell flat. In a moment when he could have turned the spotlight to give voice to the people he hurt, she says, he kept the focus squarely on himself—honing in on the concept of admitting to mistakes. “I feel it’s so important that the people who were affected have a voice to say, ‘This affected me,’ and discuss how this happened, and that it needs to stop,” she says.

When she counsels people who’ve been harmed by the purity movement, Schermer Sellers gives three main pieces of advice. First, she says, get educated. Learn about your own body firsthand. Read. She recommends Our Bodies, Ourselves by the Boston Women’s Health Book Collective and Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Second, she says, it’s important to tell your story and know you’re not alone. Whether it’s sharing with one person, in therapy, or finding a group, Schermer Sellers explains that it helps to know that you’re not crazy. Finally, she says, reclaim your own body. “We get so many messages about what our body should be like,” she explains, “but those messages are for one thing: to push our economy along. Our bodies don’t belong to corporate America.” No matter how your body’s shaped, it’s good—and you can enjoy it for connection and for pleasure and whatever makes your life meaningful to you, she says

.As people wounded by the purity movement begin to heal and move forward, some find deep joy in the thought of passing on a healthier sexual ethic to their own children. “Learning how to raise a daughter of my own—my girl Molly just turned three—has been one of the most challenging experiences of my life, but it has been a literal delight to teach her bodily autonomy,” says Mandy. “Every parent makes mistakes, but she will grow up with the self-esteem and agency I never had, and that makes me proud.”

By Hilary Oliver
Illustration by Qieer Wang

This article originally appeared in the April/May 2018 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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A Sudden Death, A Grieving Daughter, And A Leaky Vagina

From our April/May issue, Sonia Ortiz shares her Astrological Advice For Ladies Looking To Get Laid. Find out what’s in your stars:

Aries 
Mar. 21 to Apr. 19

Mercury retrograde, which ends April 15, has been making you extra volatile and aggro, but the drama eases up when Venus enters lighthearted Gemini on April 24. Perhaps it’s time to ask that special someone out on a fun date? You’ll feel more empathetic and caring come mid-May when Venus dips into the watery sign of Cancer on May 19.

Taurus 

Apr. 20 to May 20

You may experience a horrendous dry spell in early-to-mid April, but you’ll get your groove back when the sun graces your sign on April 19. It’ll be safe to fire up those dating apps since Mercury retrograde will have ended, and you’ll regain your mojo in mid-May when Mercury and the new moon enter your sign, ensuring you have the right intentions.

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

Take things easy until Mercury retrograde ends April 15. Once Venus enters your sign on April 24, a whole new world of suitors will open up to you. However, it’s important to note that you’ll make your best first impressions meeting people IRL. Venus enters Cancer on May 19, forcing you to take a look at your relationships and ditch the casual sexing.

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

Post-retrograde revelations after April 15 could have you shook. A friend has the potential to be more than just a friend, and crushes will be revealed, meaning drama and/or fun can ensue. This situation will continue into May and get real heavy once Venus enters your sign on May 19. Use your words wisely to avoid miscommunication.

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

Thanks to Mercury retrograde, your love life will be as public as a Kardashian spin-off, so beware of hot gossip or misunderstandings. Things stay rocky for the month of May, but fear not! Jupiter in Scorpio trines Neptune in Pisces on May 25, and this lucky and rare aspect will bring about a modicum of peace and, yes, love.

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll be enthusiastic to experiment with your partner, but be wary of any Mercury retrograde mishaps, from injury to pregnancy. You’ll go out of your way to have sex just about anywhere, and you won’t be shy about trying things just once, but be careful! You may take your romping on the road in May if you decide to go on vacay.

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Major flirting can take place anywhere—even in line at the DMV—once Venus enters Gemini on April 24. You’ll be more vocal and open to others, making it an excellent time to date. In May, your boo will want you all to themselves, but you’ll want to make your mark at work. The Jupiter/Neptune trine will bring a solution.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ll finally make peace with exes and decide to move on during this retrograde. Opportunities to meet new people present themselves when the sun moves into Taurus on April 19, but you’ll be moving at a very slow pace. Things change mid-May when Mars enters Aquarius, but check your Scorpionic intensity. You may be looking too far ahead for your own good.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You gotta learn to love yourself before you’ll meet anyone worthwhile. Treat yourself to something amazing while Mercury is in retrograde. You may struggle with partners or dates during May because of fundamental disagreements, which could cause a dry spell. When Mars enters Aquarius on May 16, you’ll look to the future to see how you can make things better.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You’ll reevaluate your relationships during April, and the full moon in Scorpio on April 29 will prompt some hard decisions about who you want in your bedroom. Things lighten up in May, especially if you decide to meet people in social situations. The new moon in Taurus on May 15 will inspire you to have more tangible relationships. Think about taking a social media break.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Venus enters Gemini on April 24, which takes your flirting to a new level. Boundaries are hard to set when you fall in love easily and can’t keep track of everyone you’re seeing. Plus, it can be exhausting. Mars enters your sign on May 16, which will inspire you to spend a long weekend with a new love interest to see where it could lead.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to Mar. 20

Prioritize stimulating your brain over your erogenous zones. You desire deep connections with the people you’re seeing, but wonder if you’re wasting time. Scorpio’s full moon will give you answers. An old flame comes back into the picture in May, and you might be bored enough to give it a go. Mars entering Aquarius will be the spark to light it up.

By Sonia Ortiz
Illustrated by Ada Buchholc

This article originally appeared in the April/May 2018  print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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Once, when I was around fifteen, I was out at my favorite diner with a group of my friends. Our conversation quickly turned to sex, and I found myself halfway through a brownie-Oreo-peanut butter milkshake and in the depths of a heated discussion of how many holes were “down there.” By this time I had friends who had had pregnancy scares, and who had been caught hooking up in school stairways or their parents’ hot tubs. My female friends talked about these things like it was something you had to do, whether they enjoyed their experiences or not. Even after a handful of my friends had started hooking up, there was still a lot we didn’t know about healthy sex and relationships. Looking back, I realize how in the dark we were about our own bodies. Sure, I could rattle off the periodic table of elements at the drop of a hat, but when it came to my own body I had no idea how things worked.

The dismissal of female sexuality and pleasure in sexual education is harmful to girls’ physical and mental well-being. When we don’t make comprehensive information available for young girls about their bodies and sex organs, we cannot guarantee that they are getting responsible and medically accurate information. In fact, only thirteen states require sexual education be medically accurate, which means there is a lot being missed by students about the bodies they inhabit every day. If students aren’t comfortable talking about sex with their parents (who may or may not give accurate information anyway) and they aren’t getting it in school, they are forced to look for answers elsewhere. Often, that leads them to media and pornography — which can reinforce or intensify sexist and heteronormative views. Even some of the most comprehensive sexual education courses still lack information on female sexuality.

Peggy Orenstein believes that teaching consent in school is incredibly important, but teaching female pleasure in sexual education is also important to girls’ health. Orenstein spoke to over 70 young women while researching for her book Girls and Sex. She asked them about their attitudes and expectations of sex, and what she found was that while girls felt more empowered in their lives, they were lacking empowerment when it came to their own pleasure. Orenstein told Fresh Air’s Terry Gross, “They’re supposed to be sexy, they’re supposed to perform sexually for boys, but their own sexual pleasure is unspoken.” The expectation that girls will perform sexually for their partners, but not vice versa opens the door for disrespect and a power imbalance. Orenstein found through these conversations that girls viewed their own sex organs as both “icky and sacred.” Because of that, they were uncomfortable exploring their own bodies.

Teaching girls about sexual pleasure can also aid in teaching about and preventing sexual assault. If girls are unable to advocate for their own pleasure, they are also less likely to feel able to advocate for their own safety. Sexual education puts an emphasis on male ejaculation and subsequently male pleasure — In short, boys have wet dreams, and girls get their periods. Emphasizing male pleasure, especially without teaching about consent, perpetuates rape culture. Painful or uncomfortable sexual encounters are normalized for girls and women. In all kinds of ways, we expect women to be complacent in their discomfort. We expect them to make their male counterparts comfortable or joyful even at their own expense. It’s disrespectful, and frankly, it’s unfair. The consequences of that are detrimental, and the reason so many women identified with stories like babe.net’s Aziz Ansari piece and The New Yorker short story “Cat Person.”  It is also important to chip away at this thought process for boys. Preventing sexual assault also means preventing sexual assaulters. What if we could emphasize how fun and cool sexual exploration can be with consenting partners? Making the pleasure of both partners an equal goal can help create healthier sexual relationships for young people — sexual relationships that are safe and respectful. When talking about consent, it is important to also discuss how positive sex can be with it.

Female sexual pleasure has been controversial since the beginning of time. It was believed that if women tapped into their own pleasure, they might realize they didn’t need men for sex anymore. Since the clitoris was not imperative to reproduction, medical professionals of the 1800s left the organ out of anatomical diagrams. At the time, medical diagrams were mostly drawn by men, who associated the external part of the clitoris with intersex people and lesbians. The clitoris has been added and removed from different editions of anatomy books depending on social concerns about morality. Although the clit has now been discovered in its entire eight-inch glory, the heteronormative emphasis on sex for reproduction has carried into modern education. Many diagrams still leave out external female genitalia, and leave the clitoris out entirely.

Despite sex education being so focused on reproduction and prevention of unwanted pregnancy, the United States has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the industrialized world. In schools that teach abstinence-only education, the rates of STIs and unwanted pregnancy are not reduced, and students are left even more in the dark about their bodies. This emphasis on heterosexual sex for reproduction is especially exclusionary to gay and bisexual girls. The Public Religion Research Institute conducted a study in 2015 that found that only 12% of millenials had been given information on same-sex relationships in sex education.

Sex education can be reformed to focus less on the negative messaging of sex, and more on the positive. There are plenty of reasons to engage in sex or sexual exploration other than reproduction. Sexual stimulation, including masturbation, can help boost mood, relieve stress, and improve self-esteem. Introducing a positive message about sex in sex ed will help improve girls’ self worth, help them better advocate for their needs, and reduce the pressure to have sex before they’re ready.

The problem goes beyond negative body image or girls missing out on orgasms. Without labeling and defining the parts of the vulva, it is not possible to properly teach about disease and pregnancy prevention, sexual assault, or what healthy sex looks like. Girls are entitled to know about their bodies’ abilities. Girls are entitled to respect, pleasure, and healthy sexual relationships. But if we don’t name that — if we make it unspeakable to them — they may not get it.

top photo: Pixabay creative commons

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BUST Magazine has been including a sex-positive erotic story in every issue of the magazine for the past 20 years. Why? Because we believe women deserve sexual pleasure, and should be encouraged to find out what turns them on, rather than always being told  what they need to do in order to turn other people on—the message most women are bombarded with from an early age. 

Called “One-Handed Reads,” these stories are meant to be enjoyed in the privacy of  your own boudoir, with perhaps a toy or two to assist in the fun—consider it “cliterature.” And in this free downloadable book, we’ve compiled a dozen of our most popular One-Handed Reads for your one-handed reading enjoyment. Whether your turn-ons involve hetero-sex or homo-sex; sex in public or sex in private; sex with multiple partners or just one; this stories have something for everyone. 

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This collection of free feminist erotica includes the following exciting stories from the pages of BUST Magazine: 

Field Day

A corporate team-building exercise turns into sexercise. By Ida Jay

Getting Ready

Preparations for a night on the town take a dirty detour. By Cordelia Jack

Raising the Saddle

Sexy cyclists straddle more than just their bike seats. By Fanny Bae

Back Seat Driver

A sultry night gets even hotter when two lovers find each other. By Quinn Campbell

5 Perfect Strangers

A poet finds some carnal companionship on her book tour. By Emme Magdalene

A Big Deck

When her chips are down, a poker player shows her hand, and much more. By Rosalia Zizzo

Girls, Interrupted

A one-night stand turns wild—and a bit weird. By J.L. Gaynor

Three’s a Crowd

A threesome gives one single gal more than she can handle (literally). By Whim Grace

Sleeping Booty

A slumbering sex kitten gets what she’s always wanted. By Charlie Bellecastle

Locked Out

Adventures in ex sex. By Janie Edwards

Cherry Boy

A sexual first-timer gets nervous—but she promises to be gentle with him. By Indigo Skye

Crush Groove

Pubic attraction in a public bathroom. By Alana L. Lopez

Think you can handle all these sexy one-handed reads? Then download the free pdf now!

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To me, masturbation is and has always been exploration, empowerment and entertainment. The first time I masturbated, I was 10 years old. During a sleepover, my sister and cousin and I had watched the French softcore erotic film Emmanuelle on German television. Like most people, I started masturbating with porn I found by coincidence. I started secretly seeking out erotic films on TV, and soon, the internet allowed for access any time of day. Once I got my own laptop in college and all my content became seemingly private, porn became a regular part of masturbation for me. 

Yes, I always knew that mainstream porn is misogynistic and that was a concern, but (because I was old enough to know how) I was able to avoid that type of content online. I never questioned if I should be watching porn; other questions were more interesting. For instance, although I did occasionally fantasize about real people while masturbating, I did not think about my boyfriends until about three years ago. I wondered why my fantasies were 90% about women. Was my 20-year-long exploration of my interest in women triggered by the lesbian porn I had watched in my tweens? Figuring out whether there is a difference between sexual fantasy and sexual orientation was very confusing for many years — I wouldn’t be surprised if the teens watching porn online today feel similarly. I knew somehow that porn could disconnect me from myself; I wanted to keep it in check like a vice, similar to eating sweets or drinking wine. But there were times I overdid watching porn. The tipping point came during holiday break 2016 when my old friend Lilian visited. She told me she had never watched porn and wasn’t interested in it. First, I was shocked and impressed that she solely relied on her own, I guess, fantasies? Then I was shocked by my surprised reaction. So I decided to go one year without porn to see what that’s all about. And truly, it is about so much more than I thought. Here are the key takeaways from my porn hiatus.

1. My fetishes are mine.

What I thought turned me on while watching porn no longer turned me on when I relied solely on my own imagination. Instead of watching porn, I started to think more about my partner at the time and other real people, connecting with actual experiences. I also gradually forgot many pornographic scenarios; it was like my fantasies took over my memory while masturbating. Masturbation became more personal, as opposed to an experience designed by an algorithm to entice “arousal addiction,” meaning we have to continuously search out new kinds of porn to get the same arousal effect. Porn is built around “arousal addiction,” which is why many of us find ourselves looking at stuff we’d not seek out IRL. Only this year I concluded that, at least for now, I am not gay. I still wonder, however, how much of that exploration I owe to porn.

2. Masturbation can involve all the senses.

Sometimes, the body wants to masturbate, but the mind is too tired to create scenarios or images. Other times, the mind wants to masturbate, but the body lacks energy. Other times, emotions are too fucking dense to penetrate when, for instance, feelings are piled up and unresolved internally and they need to be resolved and dealt with before the lightness of masturbation joy. I used to use porn to help overcome these obstacles — and come. But after I stopped using porn I began to feel more nuanced physical, hormonal, mental, and emotional triggers for arousal during masturbation. I might be reminded of a real-life scenario, or I might simply realize that I feel really good in my own body, or notice the way sheets feel on my skin, or enjoy the smell of spring in the air. As I let all my senses take a more active part in masturbation, I discovered endless amounts of stimuli. Exploring these new stimuli further through thoughts and touch, I found myself worshipping not only my body, but also the fact that life was awesome in that moment. My orgasms were no longer a localized physical sensation (what I felt while my eyes, ears and probably one hand were fixed on a computer or phone); I could now feel them throughout my entire body. I already had expansive, rich physical orgasms before I stopped watching porn —  what changed after I stopped watching porn was that I feel connected with the emotional and even spiritual roots of my sexual lust. Spiritual in a sense that I can now sense the energy shift in my body and feel sparkles of life expanding throughout my body. Seriously, who needs Netflix?

3. My relationship radar changed.

After I stopped watching porn, I realized that I can gauge how I feel about someone I’m dating because I either want to think about them while masturbating, or I don’t. When I don’t, that means there could be an obstacle between us and I need to look into that. One time, I realized that I was over someone because I was able to simply think of the physical connection we had without feeling sad about the breakup. Another time, I went through a breakup and I didn’t want to masturbate at all because I’d automatically think of that person and I was afraid of the pain I’d feel. After all, I only had my imagination, and it’s hard to tell the mind, “don’t think of him,” because that’s exactly what the mind will do. One day, I let myself wander into that memory and when I came, I started crying like an obsessed demon. It was the most cathartic moment in my personal masturbation history. Afterwards, I was peaceful and soothed, hugged by a sense of wonder and gratitude. A considerable amount of pain that was attached to that sexual connection had evaporated, and it was a big step forward in getting over the breakup.

4. Sex with my partner became more intimate.

Without porn references automatically popping up in my mind during sex, I was now busy doing the thing I thought of trying out with my partner earlier, right here and now. Knowing what I really like and being in touch with that as a practice makes saying “yes” to what I really want, and saying “no” to what or when I don’t want, simply natural. I have more and better eye contact, and I communicate non-verbally and verbally in my own way, using my own words. When I watched porn regularly, I remember imitating sounds and poses, but they were not top of mind any longer, and faded. Without porn, I had fewer expectations on myself and on my partner when it comes to “sexual performance” (we really need to stop calling it that) as well as body image. Sex became less predictable, and more explorative and playful, even spiritual in one instance; overall, more connected and intimate. Of course, it doesn’t only depend on me. Rumi says, “What you seek is seeking you.” I seem to attract men who also don’t indulge in porn much and I think that makes it easier for us to explore each other through our sexual desires.

Throughout my year without porn, I discovered that masturbation is a channel for some deep psycho-spiritual stuff that I am eager to make space for because it makes me feel very alive. I now understand that masturbation is more than a treat: It’s an intimate connection with myself, it’s healing, it’s state-changing, it’s a tool we as women (and I’d presume also men and nonbinary people) are born with. I honor it more. I can feel why I masturbate: Is it because I want to feel good, or is it because I don’t want to feel or do something? Compulsive masturbation, like three times or more a day, exists with or without porn. However, without the “drug” of porn, I am more likely to recognize when masturbation becomes avoidance coping (meaning I’m using masturbation as a way to avoid dealing with something else), and not self-care. And I am much less likely to fall into that pattern. In fact, it only happened once the entire year, and I realized right away that I was running away from a difficult situation with my then-boyfriend.

This year, I sought out several conversations about masturbation with my 30-something female friends because of the experiment, and I was happy to hear that many of them did not watch porn. They found it boring — and were surprised I had been a regular watcher, being a yogi and all. Well, the practice of self-awareness is an ongoing journey, and everyone reaches their next stage when ready. Now, I know how powerful masturbation can be when I am here, fully connected to my senses and my desires.

Mindful masturbation is more empowering, explorative and entertaining than Saturday afternoon me-time with Pornhub. It is the act of self-love that brings together appreciation for myself, a connection with my intimate desires, needs and fears, and gratitude for life. It can be pleasing, soothing and deeply healing on an emotional level. I used to see it as progressive to talk openly about porn as a natural part of life, but after 365 days without it, it seems to me that porn is taking us a step backwards when it comes to, obviously, equality. But most importantly, it inhibits self-discovery, an intimate connection with our pleasures and pains, and it consequently shapes our intimate relationships with others. The only comparison that I can think of is that watching porn to masturbate is like eating fast food. When you cook your own meals, your senses are stimulated by colors and smells, and after a while, you start experimenting with ingredients and spices that suit and expand your palate.

Try mindful masturbation and do a porn detox for a few months to let your own fantasies unfold and to awaken your senses to serve only you. Maybe you can ask your partner if they want to join in on the experiment, or share your plan and see if they naturally want to follow your lead. I wouldn’t be surprised if after a few months, you —alone or in a partnership — feel the desire to redecorate your bedroom in a way that reflects and serves your burgeoning sensuality, like I did.

top photo via Pexels/Burst

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For those of my ilk, there is no more exciting date on the calendar than Valentine’s Day, a holiday which demands that every couple in America “get it on” in the name of capitalism. I’ve been convinced by the seasonal aisle at Walgreen’s to purchase erotic delights like watermelon-flavored massage oil, fuzzy handcuffs, and The Sexy Dice Game (“lick elbow” — don’t knock it til you try it.). And, but of course, I spend the day eating foods that have been scientifically proven to be aphrodisiacs by women’s magazines and #sponsoredcontent.

As titillated as I get over raw oysters and chocolate, keeping things fresh and exciting year after year can be a challenge — especially when you consider both I and my husband are chefs. There’s considerable pressure not just to bone, but to bone deliciously. Here’s some delectable morsels to bring into your bedroom when you’re ready to saddle on up to the love buffet:

 photo via Flickr Creative Commons/Jules

Chili Cheese Nachos

Mix one jar of Cheez Whiz and a can of chili (no beans!) in a large bowl and microwave for 2 minutes until just warmed through. Put on sexy underwear and a pushup bra to reach peak cleavage, pour the chili cheese mixture between your breasts and garnish with freshly topped scallions (green parts only). Straddle your partner and feed them chips slathered in titty dip. 

Sauerkraut

True intimacy means paying attention to all your partner’s needs, and that includes gut health. Tangy fermented sauerkraut is an excellent source of probiotics, and also provides a significant dosage of vitamins C which helps with the production of sex hormones. Slather your bologna pony with spicy brown mustard, pile on the kraut, lay back and let your partner play the Coney Island Clarinet.

Jalapeños

They look like butt plugs for a reason. 

Avocados

Avocados dangle from the tree in pairs, which is why the Aztecs named them achacuatl, which means “testicle”. It’s usage in pre-Columbian fertility rituals terrified “chaste and moral” Spanish explorers, and was quickly classified as a heretical food by the Roman Catholic church. Stick it to the Pope by mashing a ripe avocado with a touch of freshly squeezed lemon juice and slathering it all over your junk. Garnish with a drizzle of olive oil and a pinch of Fleur de Sel.

Pop Rocks

The old Altoid trick is for teenagers who haven’t mastered the fine art of oral pleasures. Pour two packets of Pop Rocks into you mouth before going to town. Don’t tell your partner you’re doing this — few things are sexier than the element of surprise.

Raw Honey

This sweet and sticky substance has been used since ancient times not just as a sweetener, but also for skincare. Gently heat 4 parts honey to 1 part fresh lemon juice* (you can use an Instant Pot for this), then slather it over stretch marks and cellulite-prone areas and have your partner lick it off over a period of 45 minutes to an hour. The coupling of the honey and hot tongue action will help exfoliate your skin and lighten the appearance of scars.

*Thanks to its antibacterial properties, this mixture is also great for treating open wounds. 

Cranberry Sauce

Some people hesitate to be adventurous with edible delights in the bedroom due to fear of infections. Put a few slices of Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce between your meat flaps for a tasty love sandwich that will protect you from UTIs.

Wasabi

Fiery passion calls for fiery condiments. Using wet palms, roll 2 tablespoons of wasabi into a ball and place in the refrigerator to set — about 10 minutes. Surprise your partner during foreplay by popping it into their mouth and then hold it shut while you drive the skin bus to spicy tuna town.

Fajitas

For all you advanced lovemakers who’ve already mastered the kama sutra, this one’s for you. Grab your partners hips and guide them into the Congress of the Cow position, then place a hot sizzle platter of chicken fajitas on the small of their back. Lay some soft corn tortillas on the base of their neck, then pour 1 ¼ cups salsa between their shoulder blades (fresh is best, but jarred is acceptable in a pinch). Assemble and eat the fajitas while gently gifting your lover your beefy chimichanga.

Published Februay 14, 2018

top photo: Flickr Creative Commons/Erik Forsberg

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There’s a sex scene in Guillermo del Toro’s new Oscar-nominated film. You know the one. The one where our protagonist, a mute custodian played by Sally Hawkins, has sex with the fish man (Doug Jones) she rescued from a secret government facility. If this is your ultimate fantasy, we have some great news for you. 

Many audience members left the movie theater confused, intrigued, and maybe a little bit excited about what fish man equipment actually looks like. Vulture describes the only hint we get in a subsequent scene, when Octavia Spencer’s character asks about the mechanics of it all. Hawkins puts her palms together, and then slowly fans out her fingers. The fish man’s dick is concealed, but comes out when needed.

Fortunately for movie lovers everywhere, we no longer have to rely on imagination: i09 writes that Tumblr user and dildo-maker XenoCat has created a fish dildo inspired by the Shape of Water

Photo via xenocatartifacts.tumblr.com

The sex toy glows under UV light and boasts different textures for the discerning customer.

It makes sense for this film to have inspired a dildo. Besides being unique in its depiction of human on humanoid-fish sex, it’s unique in its depiction of female masturbation. Indiewire reports how Guillermo del Toro was very purposeful in his inclusion of Sally Hawkins’ character rubbing one out during her morning routine. “We are used to either never depicting female sexuality, or depicting it in a glamorized, artificial way,” del Toro said.

You’ll have to wait to include the “Jewel of the Amazon” dildo in your own morning routine, though. It is out of stock, but a limited number will be available for purchase in time for Oscar season. In the meantime, XenoCat has a wide array of exotic, fish- and monster-inspired sex toys to keep you busy. 

Top photo via Fox Searchlight Pictures / The Shape of Water

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